Where Did I Hide My Nuts

My name is Squirrely Nutkin and this is my blog. I update daily Monday through Friday. It might make more sense if you start at the beginning. Facebook Page: Squirrely J. Nutkin Twitter Account: @SquirrelyNutkin For Anonymous Questions Email Barfy: [email protected] Archive

[witabushytail]

Listen Barfy, I would love to help you clean up the bathroom that someone nearly lost their life in. But, my island is the only thing propping up the Animal Crossing economy, and I will not let these villagers suffer in a world where they can’t buy 600 gold roses at a time.

[witabushytail]

Listen Barfy, would you rather have a baby jungle gym or a hole in the ground that will eventually be a rad hot tub once I get the permits?  Going to need a fast answer here.  I rented this from the neighbors and I need to get it back over there before they notice.

[witabushytail]

Cuddle reassured me he is qualified to train me to use the backhoe I rented to complete some yard work I have been putting off.  He didn’t show me any training licenses, but he did show me all the candy he won from the crane game at the supermarket.

[witabushytail]

Hey Pookie, I got all of the Cheetos dust out of the camera.  We should probably start taking photographs about my life again.

[witabushytail]

Alright Ms. Medium Lamb, before we start your quarterly performance review I want to say that as your boss boss I have to rely a lot on reports from your boss, Miss. Baby.  No need to get anxious now. Miss. Baby has said a lot of good things about you.  Apparently you are "Dependable and easily found" as well as "Chewy and hard to dismember."

[witabushytail]

As a father, Barfy is very lost when it comes to new technology.  Fortunately for him, I run a seminar on how to stay connected with his children while maintaining the guise that he is cool.  He is currently my star pupil in "Snapchats: How to make people look at your face more than they ever wanted to."

[witabushytail]

The majestic red tree squirrel once again emerges from his hibernation drey to frolic in the summer weather and find out why his Netflix stopped working in the middle of his The Walking Dead marathon.

[witabushytail]

Maybe if Cadbury eggs were legal year round, I wouldn't have to meet up with weirdos I find on craigslist and have to talk about how cool the 80's were while paying through the nose to get my creamy goodness on.

[witabushytail]

Alright Ms. Medium Lamb, this is where you will be doing most of your work here at Witabushytail Inc.  You're going to want to be very thorough with your reports because your boss Miss Baby can be pretty volatile when upset.  As you can see she has also recently developed purposeful hand control so give her a wide berth so you don't end up like Junior Intern Mr. Jumps.

[witabushytail]

Recently, we all piled into the closet when Baby had a code white and we got locked in there.  After a couple of hours we decided to do a hibernation cycle instead of getting to know each other better.  It all went well except it was Pookie's first cycle and he couldn't find his Rip Van Winkle button so he was awake for most of it.

[witabushytail]

I know the narrative is confusing Baby, so let me break it down for you.  Jack Nicholson and his family are taking a vacation at a secluded hotel to relieve Jack's stress about finishing his novella. Luckily, the hotel is full of zany occupants, who occasionally pop out and play pranks to keep the mood light.

[witabushytail]

It is just the worst when you dedicate your life to a cause and hear that people still don't recognize the difference you are making in their lives.  For example, Squirrely looked up online that it is widely considered a myth that people swallow on average three spiders a year despite my relentless nocturnal efforts and immaculate records that prove the contrary.  

[witabushytail]

Don't you see Papa, this is very close to having me shovel the driveway for all those cashews you paid up front.  In fact, I am pretty sure this snow sculpture of me shoveling snow is worth more to you since it can get the job done much faster. And that also explains why I built it in the middle of the driveway.

[witabushytail]

As an act of kindness, I have contracted myself to make a series of snow statues for the city of Cleveland.  I aim to appease the winter gods that have stricken this great city with a case of the "I am going to drop a nut if I have to shovel this driveway again."  Nothing says ease up like a city covered in snow squirrels.

[witabushytail]

Pookie, what could possibly be more interesting than being knee deep in Pop-Tarts after the great Pop-Tart Famine of 2014.  If it isn't a 36 count variety pack in that car seat, I am going to be very surprised.

[witabushytail]

Thanks to Pookie's quick thinking and my strong leadership we have survived the night.  Once it became apparent that our paltry 50 pop-tart supply would not last us until morning, Pookie instated a draconian cube rationing system that saved us all.  Unfortunately, the proceeding rioting resulted in a smashed netflix remote and time is now kept by when the opening theme to Supernatural plays.  With any luck, Mama and Papa will be back within the next 12 wayward sons.

[witabushytail]

It has been three hours since Mama and Papa ran out of the house.  I assumed they were excited to be on their way to pick up the four meat lovers pizza's I ordered online, but they still haven't returned.  I also never mentioned the pizza order so I have begun to lose hope.  Luckily, we have the standard survival pack of Pop-Tarts and Netflix to see us through these dark times.