Scruff and Nonsense

[finnglas]

There’s an episode of Sesame Street (on Netflix! you can watch it easily!) where Elmo attends a toy-swap, where you offer up old toys you don’t play with anymore and receive someone else’s toys that are new to you. Cute!

But Elmo, after cheerfully surrendering his old toys, sees that the children who swapped toys with him are playing with his toys “wrong”! They’re imagining entirely different make believe scenarios! They’re pretending the football is a dinosaur egg instead of a rocket ship! Aaahhhhh!!!! And this is so distressing to poor Elmo that he does the unthinkable: He does swapsies-backsies and takes all his toys back!

This being Sesame Street, he learns that you can’t control how other people play pretend, but you can join in if you want to! And if you don’t want to, that’s ok, you can just play pretend your own way by yourself or with someone else who wants to play that way too. You can still be friends with people who play pretend differently than you (and aren’t being mean/harmful/etc, do not bad-faith-read this 🤨).

Anyway this is a post about fandom.

[adelidae]

getting up from bed tips

getting up from bed cheats

getting up from bed codes

getting up from bed ending explained

[lokaror]

i eat your grandads clothes

[whitemacklemore]

Macklemoth

[rederiswrites]

Just watched Adam Conover (of Adam Ruins Everything) make such a solid point that I think we should spread far and wide. Yes, having AI write your emails is lazy, sure, but people love being lazy. We need to really emphasize that sending AI emails (or using AI responses on social media, or publishing AI flyers, or or or) is rude.

It's rude. You're making someone take their time to read something you couldn't bother to write. You're telling them they were so unimportant you couldn't be bothered to actually take the time to say something yourself. And frankly, you're lying about it while you're at it.

It's rude.

[lastvalyrian]

It's not just rude to make me read something you didn't want to write. It is that you expect me to respond to your email written by Claude. You don't even want me to talk to you. You want me to talk to Claude so that you can make Claude respond for you. It is rude to expect me to talk to a chatbot when I wanted to talk to you.

[log6]

I'm not gonna lie the secret to success for a great many people is absolutely stimulant abuse

[luulapants]

Wait hold on what was that

[woozysloth]

just watched the episode of Doctor Who where what Donna needed to activate the Time Lord DNA she's acquired was to get struck by Davros' lightning finger jutsu

[local-lesbian-tree-demon]

they should invent a body that feels normal to be inside of

[shamebats]

"it's just stress" oh thank god, it's just the silent killer that slowly kills you, perfectly harmless, no need to worry

[bluevelvet-room]

nothing but respect for MY pride flag

[ravioliet]

"why can't they just be friends?" not in the homophobic sense, but in the "in your need to center romance in everything you are missing the whole point of the media in question" sense

[iraffiruse]

[tim-official]

see every time i see this status i get angry because i’ve played through literally every scenario in rct1 and there is no place where this is a thing. there is never more than one park per map. and in rct2 you can’t make that happen i the scenario editor either. it is not remotely within the game’s functionality to simulate two discrete parks and these games were coded in assembly for christ sake so it’s not like someone modded it in by adding the line “int const TOTAL_NUM_POSSIBLE_PARKS = 2;”. there is no conceivable way this post is anything close to true and even though i know how writing all this out reflects upon me as a person and even though i know exactly how meaningless and trifling of a takedown attempt this is on some random facebook screencap with hundreds of thousands of notes im going to post it anyway because i’m too petty to have any say in the matter

[yellowocaballero]

“I’m afraid I must call you out of retirement for a final mission.”

Cold ice shot through Tobi’s chest. Fuck.

Did he know? He couldn’t. If he knew, he wouldn’t show it like this. His visit with T&I would be a lot less cheerful, that’s for sure. Was he prodding Tobi, watching for his reaction? Did Sarutobi honestly think he’d slip up? Tobi was incapable of slipping up. He couldn’t tell the truth with a kunai to his throat at this point.

“What sort of mission is it?” Tobi asked excitedly, ripping open the folder. He held the paper up and slowly mouthed the words on the page, fighting to get through the page. Look at him, he filled out his mission reports in crayon and could barely read. “Mission report…assignment duration, promotion or release…pay…oh, ew…assignment…jounin sensei…”

Tobi trailed off.

Distantly, he heard himself say, “Um. Maybe this is a mistake?”

As promised in last post. Kakashi & Obito roleswap. Barely. It's complicated. Please pay no attention to how many roleswaps I have written. Just ignore it. Do me a favor and do not think about it. OK? Thank you.

Snippet from a much longer, much messier document. This part was the very first part writiten and very much a proof of concept. I'm trying to figure out if I should overhaul the thing and turn this into an actual story, so let me know.

Short beginning scene of Tobito's Wild Ride under the cut.

“Tobi. Thank you for coming.”

Obviously, Tobi didn’t bow or kneel. That wasn’t the sort of person Tobi was. He just grinned broadly, waving so broadly that his body swayed with the motion. “Gramps! Hello! Wow, you’ve gotten old since I’ve seen you!”

Sarutobi chuckled, raising a pipe to his mouth. The pipe - either ‘I’m thinking hard’, ‘I want to pretend I’m thinking hard and giving due consideration to your idea when I don’t really care’, or ‘I’ve already decided and I’m pretending that you have a say in this’. What was the point of the last one? This was a literal military dictatorship. Tobi forgot how exhausting this man could be. 

“It has been a while,” Sarutobi said indulgently. “Since…the T&I incident, I believe?”

Tobi giggled, high and childish. “Inoichi-san got sooo mad. But Tobi said he was real, real, real sorry, so I hope he’s not still mad…oh, no.” Tobi gasped, face falling in desolation. “Is Inoichi-san still mad at me? Oh, Tobi can go apologize again -”

“It’s water under the bridge.” Tobi exhaled gustily, wiping the back of his hand against his brow. It wasn’t his fault Inoichi hated him. Apparently his mind was absolutely impenetrable. Something about constant children’s lullabies just playing full blast in his head. Or songs regarding a specific time of day someplace in the world. “I have to apologize, Tobi. I always feel as if I should keep a better eye on you. There’s never enough time in the day for all of the people we care about. Please forgive me for my inattention to you.”

Manipulative old fuck. Tobi panicked, embarrassed by the attention and affection. He waved his hands quickly, almost jumping up and down. “Gramps! It’s okay! Tobi’s not lonely or sad! He still has Sasuke-chan! Sasuke-chan wasn’t brutally murdered, so Tobi’s A-OK!” Tobi had to tell himself that a lot. Every morning after a nightmare, which meant every morning period. “And I met a really nice old lady yesterday and helped her down the street. She gave me an apple sweet. It was delicious! So there’s nothing to forgive, Gramps!”

“I’m glad,” Sarutobi said warmly. Ugh. Tobi knew objectively that Minato-sensei had tried to imitate that tone, but he still liked to convince himself that Sarutobi was mimicking Minato-sensei. That was a good one, he’d have to use it. “Sasuke-kun is actually why I called you here today.” 

That kid. Tobi sighed. “Tobi is sorry that Tobi cannot control Sasuke-chan. I’ve told him that punching Naruto-kun is bad, but he just doesn’t listen…”

“I’m sure you’ll find a method somehow.” Sarutobi pushed a thin file folder across the desk, and Tobi curiously stepped forward and picked it up. He’d know a file like that anywhere. It was a mission assignment folder. “I’m afraid I must call you out of retirement for a final mission.”

Cold ice shot through Tobi’s chest. Fuck.

Did he know? He couldn’t. If he knew, he wouldn’t show it like this. His visit with T&I would be a lot less cheerful, that’s for sure. Was he prodding Tobi, watching for his reaction? Did Sarutobi honestly think he’d slip up? Tobi was incapable of slipping up. He couldn’t tell the truth with a kunai to his throat at this point.

How did Tobi feel about this? Tobi sure as hell knew how Obito felt - desperately wondering if a T&I visit was in his future. Tobi was scared of the missions, sure. But he was a five year old. How would a five year old react to these things? 

Well. Tobi knew how he would have reacted. He would have sighed and rolled his eyes about yet another mission. Pretty impressive when you were burned out of your career at five years old. He blamed the two month graduation for years before he learned of Rin and Kakashi’s hell and eventually concluded that it could have been worse. At least Tobi was paid for his war zone. 

“A mission?” Tobi gushed. He clenched on the folder far too tightly, like a child clutching a wheezing frog. “I’m going on missions again?” He jumped a little, his usual little show of excitement. Kept his energy up. “Does that mean Gramps isn’t mad at me anymore?”

Tobi carefully snuck a glance up from the folder, checking Sarutobi’s expression. Sarutobi’s face was impassive stone, as usual, but he looked a little worn too. “We were never angry with you.”

Tobi fully looked up, tilting his head and frowning. “Nuh-uh. Tobi remembers. Everybody was so mad at Tobi. Just because his hand slipped…it wasn’t Tobi’s fault.”

“We know,” Sarutobi said gently. “Minato didn’t retire you because he was angry with you. He was only looking out for you.”

Well, Tobi didn’t want to be out of fucking retirement. It was objectively insane to put him on any mission. Tobi had gotten sabotaging every attempt to make him a useful member of society down to a fucking art. He had a shitton of inheritance to blow and a nice long civilian life to blow it on. Maybe he was too stubborn about it - Iruka was definitely convinced that he was the second laziest person in the village and sabotaged his assigned jobs on purpose, which Tobi would have resented if it wasn’t absolutely true - but spite was important. Spite woke him up in the morning. 

The only thing that helped him tolerate this stupid village was his hate for it. Ain’t that just the way.

“What sort of mission is it?” Tobi asked excitedly, ripping open the folder. He held the paper up and slowly mouthed the words on the page, fighting to get through the page. Look at him, he filled out his mission reports in crayon and could barely read. “Mission report…assignment duration, promotion or release…pay…oh, ew…assignment…jounin sensei…”

Tobi trailed off.

Distantly, he heard himself say, “Um. Maybe this is a mistake?”

“Trust me. You’re hardly our first choice.” Finally, they agreed on something. “But you’re the only one in this village with a Sharingan, Tobi. You’re the only one who can teach Sasuke how to use his power.”

“Nuh-uh. Um. This is a mistake. Ha ha.” Tobi ripped the paper from the folder, crumpling it into a ball and tossing it over his shoulder. “Because, um, I can’t use my Sharingan. Did Gramps maybe forget that? Ha ha?”

“But you still remember how to use it. Even if you can’t use it yourself, you can still walk Sasuke-kun through using his.” Sarutobi eyed Tobi knowingly, the dim glowing embers of his pipe reflecting a soft light in his eyes. “You were once a genius with the Sharingan, Tobi. They said you were the best since Madara.”

Yeah! Yeah, they did say that, old man! That was the whole fucking problem!

Mention of the Sharingan or Tobi’s old talents always upset him, so this was a great springboard into nipping this in the bud. He’d throw a hissy fit if he had to. Tobi had killer hissy fits. That was how Sasuke was given a seat as head of house in the Clan Council. Tobi’s wail could pierce eardrums and Sasuke had deserved that fucking seat. 

“Tobi doesn’t like the Sharingan anymore!” Tobi exclaimed. “Tobi wants to help Sasuke-chan, Gramps, cross Tobi’s heart! But Tobi doesn’t like the Sharingan and the Sharingan don’t like Tobi. And that’s just the truth.” Tobi crossed his arms, sniffling and scrunching his nose. “And don’t say what you’re gonna say. Tobi knows what’s up. Minato-sensei’s little boy is on that team too, isn’t he?”

He absolutely was. Tobi had speed-read the entire document while he was reading it out loud. But even the remnant of Obito’s genius was still considerable, and Tobi’s moments of keen insight were useful for pushing the enemy into a corner. 

“I thought you might appreciate the chance to look after your sensei’s son,” Sarutobi said mildly, removing a silver lighter from his pocket. Engraved, a gift from Biwako. Was that on purpose? A mind game on Tobi, an unconscious memory on his part, or a purposeful evocation of a memory just for him? Was he trying to remind Tobi of something or corner Obito? Damn this man. “Help him like your sensei helped you.”

The really great thing about Tobi was that he could get away with saying this. It was only to the left of cathartic, but at least it was in the zone. “I’m not stupid, Gramps!” Tobi yelled. The ANBU in the corners twitched, but when Sarutobi’s fingernail clicked on the silver lighter they subsided. “You’re giving Minato-sensei and Kushina-neechan’s little baby and his fox to the last Sharingan because you want the Sharingan to eat the Fox! Why are you doing what you want when you know it won’t work? Tobi’s tried, he can’t - he can’t, Gramps.”

It wasn’t the sort of thing any self-respecting Uchiha would admit. Half of them would kill themselves if they lost their Sharingan. Uchiha Obito, whose Sharingan was the pride and joy of the clan - who was the Uchiha’s Uchiha before Itachi-kun was even a twinkle in his mother’s eye - would never abandon his one point of value. 

And everybody knew how prideful the Uchiha were. There was no Uchiha alive who would pretend to be Tobi. Could you imagine? What Uchiha would humiliate themselves like this with a goofy smile on their face? A regular human being could barely do it. An Uchiha? Forget it. Impossible.

But Kushina-neechan’s favorite shinobi was always the most surprising of all. And Obito cared about that more than all the rest. 

The only ninja who would have ferreted him out was Kakashi. Kakashi and his dopey, stupid smile. His ridiculous porn books and his clumsy pratfalls. His laziness, lateness, and utter underachiever lifestyle. Only Kakashi ever said those words, with a wink and a smile: a true shinobi looked underneath the underneath. So save your energy and watch the clouds with me, Uchiha-kun. No? Maybe next time…

The next time never came. Being a good Uchiha had always meant something, and the useless son of a disgraced clan meant nothing at all. Nothing to anybody but Minato and Kushina and Rin and Obito.

“You’re better than nothing.” In that second, Sarutobi really did look very tired. He didn’t look like he was lying at all. “You’re the best we have, Tobi.”

Tobi was silent. Sarutobi knew it wasn’t much of a compliment. Even somebody like Tobi would know that. 

“As a favor to Sasuke-kun and Naruto-kun,” Sarutobi said, “and as a favor to me. Please give these children the help you can. Don’t worry - I’ll ask the other jounin to pitch in and help.” 

Tobi lowered his voice, and he allowed his tone to grow a little more serious. “I’m not strong. I’m not good at molding chakra and I haven’t really fought anyone in a long time. I can’t protect the children.” 

“We’ll be careful,” Sarutobi allowed. But there was something in his eye… “You may be rusty, but I doubt you’re out of the ring yet. Have a little faith in yourself.” The look in his eyes glinted and grew, and for the first time he stared right at Tobi. “You did hold your own against Uchiha Itachi.”

They stared at each other for a long second, two. A little too late, Tobi laughed and scrubbed the back of his neck. “Silly Gramps! I said a billion times. Tobi hid. I don’t think Itachi-kun thought it was worth it to kill me…I don’t think Itachi-kun ever thought I was a real Uchiha. But we’ve showed him, huh?” Tobi grinned, jabbing a finger at his chest. “Now there’s three whole Uchiha in the whole wide world! One third’s a serial killer, one third’s twelve, and one third is…drumroll please…Tobi! Konoha’s in good hands, ne?”

Tobi smiled at the man who ordered Uchiha Itachi to kill their entire family.

Sarutobi smiled back at the man who was currently pulling the most intricate and improbable lying campaign in a village of ninjas. In Obito’s defense, it was to save his own life. Sarutobi had murdered his family to - well, save the village, but Tobi didn’t have to like it. 

“Thank you for accepting the mission. I trust you’ll do splendidly.”

“Uh. Tobi didn’t -”

“The children ought to be waiting for you in the schoolroom at 1000 hours. You ought to head over - I expect you’re already late.”

Tobi squealed, looking at the unwound watch on his wrist and slapping his head. “Oh no! I’m late, I’m late, I’m late! Bye, Gramps! You promise-promise to get back-up for Tobi, right?”

Pleasantly, Sarutobi said, “I would not trust you alone with those children, no.”

“Yay! Okay, gotta goooo!”

When he left Sarutobi’s office, he was about ten minutes late to his meeting with the children. By the time he arrived at the school he was over an hour late. Lost on the road of life and all that. It didn’t matter - venting about this ridiculousness to Kakashi was way more important than meeting the brats on time.

This would be a disaster. There was no way this would end well. Tobi was a brain damaged, traumatized moron who couldn’t use his one skill and who hadn’t been on active duty since he whoopsie-daisy’d his sword into his best friend’s heart. If Sarutobi didn’t keep up his promise and drag in the other jounin to take up his slack then he’d riot. Did he want Tobi to do work? Tobi? He had resigned from capitalism and the military industrial complex. Pulling him into this shit again - as if he hadn’t suffered enough -

As if Sasuke and Naruto hadn’t. Maybe one of Sarutobi’s stupid-ass motivations was because he knew that only Tobi would be nice to Sasuke and Naruto. Damn Naruto especially. For that, at least…if only as a favor to Minato-sensei…

To make up for it…maybe a little bit of real work would be the least he could do.

Ugh. Hopefully not that much.

Tobi finally touched down at the school, following the Academy hallways to Sasuke’s classroom by route memory. He dropped off Sasuke’s lunch a lot. It embarrassed him so much. It was classic.

Tobi walked into the classroom and allowed a large basket of glitter to fall on top of his head.

A peal of laughter squealed throughout the room, and Tobi opened his eyes to see Uzumaki Naruto clutching his sides and laughing his ass off. Quite rudely, Sasuke had his feet propped up on a desk. That third girl was sitting primly in her seat, terrified. 

“What an idiot! Our new sensei actually fell for - wait.” Naruto straightened, squinting at Tobi. He yelled, jabbing a finger at him. “Hey! Number Two Ramen Fan! What the hell are you doing here?”

Sasuke almost fell out of his seat. He scrambled to his feet, panicked in his special Sasuke way - that was, eyes a little wider than usual. “Tobi? Did I forget my lunch?”

“Um?” Sakura Haruno hunched her shoulders in her seat, picking at the corner of a scroll. “Uchiha Obito’s our sensei. I thought you knew. Did you…not know?”

“Is this a joke?” Sasuke cried. “Who the hell thought this was funny? Tobi couldn’t fight his way out of a paper bag! If they’re bullying us again, I swear to god I’ll strangle whoever -”

“Whoah,” Naruto cried, impressed. “Violent!”

“Everybody’s always bullying Tobi,” Sasuke snapped. “I’m an Uchiha. What sort of Uchiha would I be if I tolerated that?”

Glitter dripped down Tobi’s hair and sprinkled onto his clothing. He smiled, big and bright, and clapped his hands together. Sasuke was groaning, but Naruto and Sakura just leaned in closer - caught in a morbid curiosity, desperate to meet their own fate. Signed and sealed. “Tobi’s first impression of you all is…you’re so funny! Tobi likes you!”

The kids paled. 

[yellowocaballero]

Tobito Naruto Roleswap AU: Orphans Suffer Child Genius Inequality and Solitary Avengers Don't Dance

PRO: DEAD BROTHER

Sasuke chewed his brush. The end of it was highly nibbled. It was his thinking brush.

Very carefully, he added, 

PRO: DEAD BROTHER (FOR VENGEANCE)

This wasn’t working. 

In honor of pride month, here's Sasuke. He is a little angry housewife and a very responsible young man. He spends his non-existent spare time teaching Naruto how to read and enforcing Obito Uchiha's bedtime. He wants to avenge his clan, but he is struggling to fit it into his schedule.

Angst is a young man's job, because a real man of the house has to get into medical school and burn down his house.

20k (SORRY!) of Sasuke being a baby housewife, Naruto coming back to life, and a dead guy's house under the cut. If you liked it then give it a like, but if you'd like other people to see it too then please reblog! It's the only way for more people to enjoy it.

PRO: DEAD BROTHER

Sasuke chewed his brush. The end of it was highly nibbled. It was his thinking brush.

Very carefully, he added, 

PRO: DEAD BROTHER (FOR VENGEANCE)

This wasn’t working. 

Sasuke grabbed a rag and blotted away the ink. Far away, birds trilled and chirped. Sasuke used to have a bird journal, but he hadn’t opened it in a while. He had to focus on this. 

With utmost caution and care, Sasuke filled out the rest of his chart. Mother said that a pro/con list was the best way to make a logical and reasoned decision. Mother always drilled in the importance of rational decision making. She said it would probably be fruitless, but she had to try. 

SOLITARY AVENGER PRO-CON

MISSION: BECOMING STRONG KILLING BROTHER AND AVENGING OUR CLAN

Sasuke drew a big box around that one. 

PRO: WAY OF THE NINJA

WAY OF THE UCHIHA

HE WILL REGRET IT!!!

ITACHI WILL NEVER HURT ANYBODY ELSE EVER AGAIN

VERY STRONG!

There. Extremely compelling. Sasuke could elaborate on a lot of these points, but he felt that they were self-evident. Ninjas who were VERY STRONG! made jounin, and they were really important people. Becoming a very important person was vital for a ten year plan. 

Now for the cons. 

CONS: 

MISSION TO AVENGE CLAN WILL BE LENGTHY: WILL LEAVE TOBI HOME ALONE

NO DISTRACTIONS IN TRAINING TO BECOME SOLITARY AVENGER: WHAT ABOUT TOBI?

Sasuke chewed the end of his brush. He returned to the pros section.

ITACHI WILL NEVER HURT ANYBODY ELSE EVER AGAIN (TOBI WILL BE SAFE)

Sasuke looked at the cons list. 

CONS:

BUSY BEING MAN OF THE HOUSE

PRO: HE WILL REGRET IT!!! Abandoning us

CONS: Way of the Uchiha is Family Comes First

SOLITARY AVENGER?

Sasuke thumped his forehead on the tatami.

*

Sasuke brought the matter to Naruto on their next ramen night. A move of clear desperation.

He slapped the latest draft of the pro/con list on the wood between them. It immediately began soaking up ramen juice, but Sasuke had anticipated that. It was a spare copy. 

Naruto blinked at the piece of paper. While he was distracted, Sasuke loaded more vegetables into his ramen. The moron kept picking them out. It was a miracle he didn’t have scurvy.

On Naruto’s other side, Tobi was talking animatedly with Gai about naming special moves. Sasuke would say that they were in a competition to think of the stupidest name if he didn’t know that they were being dead serious. Ugh. 

Naruto finally looked up, absentmindedly stuffing an egg in his mouth. “Wassiz?”

“We have an assignment.” Sasuke would love to say something like ‘it’s for our assignment’, or ‘remember our assignment?’. If he said ‘it’s for our assignment’ Naruto would have no idea what he was talking about, because Naruto did not remember their assignments. “It’s our ten year plan once we become shinobi. What rank we want, where do we want to be assigned, what do we want our specialty to be. We’re supposed to put in our milestones for our personal lives too, like when we’re supposed to be married and have babies. And you’re sitting down and doing this once we get back to my place.”

Naruto made a noise of great and ultimate comprehension - the Enlightened One with flecks of broth on his lips. He expectantly waited for Sasuke to read the page out loud to him, since he could barely read kanji. Sasuke refused to enable this illiteracy. Brought back down to ground, Naruto resentfully forced himself to read the whole thing through as he studded ever-increasing quantities of ramen in his mouth. 

This was taking too long. “I can’t find a way to incorporate solitary avenger into my ten year plan!” Sasuke jabbed a finger at the paper. “It can’t fit it in there! I was going to become chuunin and leave the village for five years on an intensive training trip where I learn every kind of jutsu. But I can’t leave Tobi that long! There’s supposed to be a solitary journey, where you have lots of trials and fight a lot of bad guys, like probably an entire squadron or something. Maybe you infiltrate a city. But Tobi doesn’t get the solitary avenger thing! And I can’t take him!”

Naruto scratched his chin, struggling to chain two thoughts together. “Gai says if you die then he’ll make sure Tobi doesn’t burn down the house.” Sasuke was reasonably sure he’d die by fifteen, which distressed him for only one reason. “So that’s, like, probably fine!”

“That’s not the only issue!” Sasuke slapped another page on the table. “This is my weekly schedule!”

Naruto obligingly looked over as his chopsticks facilitated a conveyor belt of ramen into his mouth. Sasuke still didn’t know how he spoke perfectly clearly with a mouth full of ramen. Practice, perhaps. “Man, Sasuke, you sure are busy. I do, like, two things a day.”

“We know.” Sasuke tapped the schedule, moving his finger downwards. The information was in a little color-coded table, split by hour. The washi tape along the edge indicated where it went in his binder. 

“I train four hours a day. Because I wake up and train, and then I make breakfast for us in the morning. Then I have to waste six hours a day on stupid school, which is a useless waste of my time.” Naruto mouthed that last bit along with him - did he say it that often? “Then we grocery shop on the way home. Then I do my homework, and I get my real training in. Then I make dinner, and I gotta make lunch the next day. Then I do real studying. Then I play with Tobi. Then I gotta go to bed! If I don’t go to bed early, I can’t get Tobi in for the night either. And on the weekends we do housework and I take care of clan stuff! That’s a lot of paperwork and keeping up with politics, you know!”

Nobody wanted him to do that. Nobody wanted him at the table during the clan head meeting. They actively pretended he wasn’t there, actually. They were not getting away with that. Tobi never let anybody get away with anything. If Tobi could do it, he could. 

Helpfully, Naruto added, “You forgot where you hang out with me!”

“Why do you think I hate hanging out with you?” This did not bother or deter Naruto. He basically expected everybody to hate hanging out with him, and took anybody voluntarily speaking to him as a welcome bonus. Wait. “I mean - you’re factored into dinner time! And study together afterwards too!” Sasuke quickly scribbled down Naruto’s name in the dinner block and studying block. Naruto goggled at his name neatly penned in Sasuke’s calendar. Sasuke was just glad he could read his name. “But do you see the problem?”

Naruto squinted at Sasuke. He had a pretty righteous squint. “...you don’t have time to fix my plumbing?”

After Sasuke finished beating Naruto over the head, he said, “Itachi’s the strongest in Konoha! He’s probably strongest in the Land of Fire! Itachi trained for twelve hours a day, every day! And if a solitary avenger’s gonna beat that, then I gotta be better than him! And how is four hours of training a day gonna beat a genius training twelve hours a day? It’s a major logistical issue!”

Naruto just nodded wisely, as if he ever had anything intelligent to say in his entire life. “That’s orphan problems. Nobody gets the struggle.”

Sasuke thumped his head on the wood, dismayed. “I don’t want anything in common with you.”

“Itachi was so spoiled.” It was a vibrant new criticism of Itachi. “I bet your mom did all that housework and took care of you and stuff. And I bet your dad did all that clan stuff. And you’re super rich so you probably had servants polishing your sandals.” They did have servants, but shut up about it. “Doing good in school was way too hard when I had to spend money on ramen and not books and kunai.” The Uchiha had way too many extra weapons and school supplies and stuff, so Sasuke gave them to Naruto. No big deal. They were just sitting there. It was whatever. “Training for twelve hours and becoming a super badass was really easy for stupid Itachi. But you gotta be Mom and Dad and Clan Guy and Student and, like, my best friend and stuff. Itachi didn’t have to do all’a that. That’s real orphan problems right there. People with two parents don’t know how good they got it!”

It was true. Sasuke hated it when Naruto said things that were both true and stupid, but it was. When Sasuke sat and wrote out his ten year plan, he realized that the life of a solitary avenger was the life of Itachi. But Sasuke just couldn’t fit vengeance into his dinner schedule. That meant he had to pick one or the other. He couldn’t have both. That was the problem.

“It’s not like you don’t got it easy,” Sasuke muttered, stuffed with ramen and vindictiveness. “You don’t have anybody to take care of. You’re not Man of the House. All you have to worry about is yourself.”

For the first time, Naruto shut up. Sasuke sat upright, and he saw that Naruto had buried his face in a bowl of ramen. Naruto could talk and eat ramen at the same time. He only got quiet and ate ramen when…had Sasuke said something mean again?

A hand landed on Naruto’s hair, cheerfully ruffling it. Tobi had swiveled around in his stool, smiling brightly at them both as he scrubbed Naruto’s hair for a little longer than he scrubbed Sasuke’s. 

“Sasuke-chan does a good job looking after Naruto-chan!” Tobi was big into the affirmations. Everything impressed him. Even Sasuke’s really stupid and bad katon. “Maybe Sasuke-chan and Naruto-chan can split up family jobs? So Naruto-chan can learn some responsibility!”

Ugh. Naruto wasn’t family. But the last time he said that Tobi had gotten really upset, so he should just let him say what he wants. 

Naruto thrust a hand in the air, as he actually raised his hand in class. “I can’t do grocery shopping!” Naruto announced. “Everyone sells me rotten food!”

“Naruto-chan’s really good at housework! He scrubs super hard, and the floors always sparkle.” If the chore stood up to somebody being way overenthusiastic, then Naruto did fine. Sasuke didn’t know how Tobi always found something nice to say about Naruto. It was literally Naruto. “If Naruto-chan comes over on the weekends and helps us with housework, maybe Sasuke-chan can teach him some cool moves!”

From Tobi’s other side, Gai laughed in delight. “Teaching young ninja how to carry heavy weights is a valuable lesson! But teaching them how to split the weights is another valuable lesson! And sometimes, the most youthful move of all is to know that nobody can carry a weight if they do not rest!”

Seriously, Naruto said, “Are we doing housework with weights?”

“Why, that’s a great idea!”

Tobi cheered. “I love that idea! Harder housework is funner housework!”

“Hell yeah! I’ve never done housework with anybody before! This is gonna be so cool!”

Nobody understood. Nobody even realized.

Having Naruto around was fine. Sasuke had to work overtime to get his life in order, but that was whatever. That was what happened when you had nobody around to take care of. When you didn’t have anybody, because everybody hated your guts. The first friend Naruto ever made was the only other person who everybody hated as much as they hated Naruto. 

Tobi always wanted to bond. He wanted to do things together, to share. Tobi was always saying that he can do Sasuke’s job too, so give Tobi some of your job? Gai and Naruto would like to help with your job, maybe they can help with your job?

Tobi knew how much they hated him. He wasn’t stupid, he was Tobi. Naruto was stupid, but that was because Naruto liked ignoring stuff. Naruto knew how much they hated him too. 

Didn’t they get it? Sasuke had to be a solitary avenger for Tobi. He had to take revenge. For all the injustices in this stupid world - for all the rotten fruit sold, for all the lonely nights. If he didn’t avenge them, then they’d never be punished.

All they did was punish Tobi for being stupid and Naruto for holding the fox. It wasn’t their faults. It was punishing innocent people who hadn’t done anything wrong, just because they didn’t like them. If Sasuke punished them back, then they would really deserve it. That would be super fair. No - it had to happen. Avengers brought justice. There had to be justice in this world. 

Itachi might come back and hurt Tobi and Sasuke. Finish the job. Sasuke had to kill him before that. Sasuke would kill the final enemy of their family, and his family would be safe. Nothing would hurt them. Sasuke would make sure that nobody will ever hurt them or hurt Tobi or stab him or something. 

Then…then, once he’d killed Itachi.  Killing Itachi would give Sasuke a great power. Itachi said so. Sasuke needed that power.

  If he was ever going to punish Konoha. If he was ever going to avenge his family.

Everybody would be punished. The world will be fair. Sasuke just had to figure out how.

And, uh, not put ‘punish Konoha’ in his ten year plan. That didn’t go there. 

Time to cover his tracks. Sasuke flipped the paper over, starting a new draft of the plan. Very carefully, in the time blocks for ‘personal milestones’ (avenging his family, making the world fair, killing Itachi, punishing Konoha) he wrote ‘taking care of my cousin’.

There. Sasuke dropped the pen, satisfied. 

That was something Itachi could never do. Itachi, with all of his parents and servants and money and village that loved him - that was something Itachi fucked up big time. Itachi used to tell him to be gentle with Tobi, he’s a little different so just be patient, be nice to him like I’m nice to you. Itachi tried to take care of Tobi. Itachi cared about him. Even now, it didn’t even occur to Sasuke that Itachi had been faking it. Itachi wasn’t a liar. 

In that mission, in that way, Itachi was a complete failure. 

Take justice for their family. Punish their real enemies. Find the real problem, eliminate the real problem. Sasuke could do that. Itachi was too stupid to realize the real mission. Sasuke wasn’t. Sasuke would do that. Sasuke would do that and get Tobi to bed on time.

Watch Mr. Not-an-Orphan do that.

*

As usual, Naruto tagged along on the way back home and Gai left to conduct post-ramen training. Gai was a role model of industrious hard work, but Tobi said that Sasuke please shouldn’t become insane until he’s a jounin please. He’d recently taken an apprentice that Sasuke hadn’t met yet, so he had to assume that some set of parents had failed to dodge that kunai.

They sat at a low table in the living room. Naruto struggled his way through his ten year plan (“You can’t just write Hokage!”) as Sasuke studied his textbooks. He referred to his dictionary often. Tobi made up Naruto’s bed in Sasuke’s room and packed both of their bentos for tomorrow. The night lingered softly, and it didn’t matter how far the darkness stretched. 

Sasuke tried to leave to do real training, but Tobi whined about playing together. Naruto was already grabbing the paper. If it was that game, then it was probably fine. Tobi and Naruto didn’t know that the ‘paper moving’ game was a chakra control exercise, but he wasn’t about to tell them. Naruto was still horrible at it, but that never stopped him. He was getting less horrible. Barely. 

Then it was bedtime, and Sasuke had to direct both of them into brushing their teeth and washing their face and getting into bed at a reasonable hour. Tobi complained - something about a ten year old giving him a bedtime - but Sasuke could not be swayed. If Sasuke didn’t get him to bed, then Tobi slept all day. It had to be because he didn’t go to bed at all. Sometimes, if Sasuke woke up in the middle of the night for water, Tobi would be completely gone! This was why his sleep schedule was horrible! And not getting enough sleep was terrible for the brain. 

Naruto and Sasuke quietly talked about a lot of stuff late into the night, like what kinds of food they would sell in their own grocery stall, before they fell asleep. 

The next day was just as stupid as every other day. Sasuke woke up early to train, make food, eat his food, wake up Tobi and Naruto, get food on the table, and rush out the door. He did not stay to eat breakfast with them because he did not want to show up to school with Naruto in tow. Sasuke had to tell Naruto ten times to leave him alone at school. He’d finally stopped sticking to him, but he did not leave him alone. 

Sasuke read his medical textbook underneath the desk, as always. Sasuke got top marks because he was Such A Genius!, so the teacher didn’t care. Naruto could not sit still for more than five minutes at a time, so he got yelled at every five minutes. Nobody in this academy understood education. Teaching Naruto literally anything had to involve letting him get up and run around every fifteen minutes. He was, like, barely capable of it. Sasuke didn’t understand it, but Tobi had listened to Sasuke try to teach Naruto how to read for about five minutes before he suggested it. 

“My adopted sister was the same way,” Tobi said happily. Naruto, sweating a little bit, had finally found the ability to read two pages of a textbook. Even Naruto himself was stunned. “She was the strongest, coolest, most awesome jounin in the whole village! But neechan always did her own thing. She couldn’t fill out paperwork without doing jumping jacks, eating a bunch of sugar, and promising to play a game with me after she finished. Naruto-chan can find his own thing too!”

Jounin were so eccentric. But Naruto was gaping in surprise. Nobody had ever compared him to another ninja before. Especially not in a nice way. “Eh?! Who was your sister, Tobi! Wait! You were adopted?!”

Tobi laughed a little, scratching at his cheek. Sasuke rolled his eyes. He already knew about Tobi’s big sister. Non-Uchiha. Shisui-nii said that didn’t make it fakey, though. “Kind of. Neechan was married to my sensei. Sensei was my legal guardian. That means he did the adult stuff for me, but he wasn’t really Tobi’s dad or anything. Sensei was sensei. But neechan was neechan!”

Very seriously, Sasuke said, “Am I your legal guardian.”

“No, Sasuke-chan, they decided I don’t need one anymore. And you two are wards of Konoha. And you are nine.”

“Who’s your sister!” Naruto yelled. “Do I know her? Why don’t I get to meet her?”

Tobi smiled. It was different from his other smiles. Sasuke knew this one really well. Tobi always smiled when he was sad. “Kushina Uzumaki was my sister. And Kushina-nee and Sensei died in the fox attack. It was really sad.”

Naruto and Sasuke’s jaws dropped.

At the absolute top of his lungs, Naruto yelled, “Uzumaki? That’s my name!”

“We know it’s your stupid name, idiot!”

“There’s a few Uzumakis in Konoha,” Tobi said serenely. This was true. There was a small Uzushio refugee district. None of them knew who the baby orphaned in the fox attack was, though. Naruto was convinced that they were lying to him. Somebody had to know. For once, Sasuke thought Naruto might be right. “But you’re probably related. That’s why you and neechan need to run around so much.”

“Tell me everything about neechan forever!”

“She’s not your sister, Naruto!”

“Naruto-chan can call her that!”

“Why does he get to call her that!”

“You can call her that too, Sasuke! She’s your adopted cousin!”

“You can keep her, Tobi -”

“Was neechan blonde too?!” Naruto halted, horror sweeping over him. “Does neechan think the fox attack was my fault too?! I didn’t do nothing!”

Sasuke couldn’t begin to count the number of times he’d heard that. I didn’t do nothing. I didn’t do nothing. Those words were the only way for Naruto to protect himself. But they didn’t protect him at all.

“No, Naruto,” Tobi said, “she would never blame you. Not in a million years.”

Tobi talked about the dead. He was the only one who did. Konohans didn’t really like talking about dead people, or acknowledging that they existed. They didn’t even like looking at people who reminded them of the dead. They didn’t like people who had too many dead: as if loss could be spread, and grief was contagious. Maybe that was fear of death. 

Tobi wasn’t good with social cues. He didn’t know good or bad things to say. It wasn’t his fault. He didn’t know what he was saying. Tobi just wanted to talk about his dead family, so he did. It made everybody else super uncomfortable, but Tobi didn’t notice. He talked to Sasuke about nee-chan, Sensei, Rin, and Kakashi. He even talked about the baby brother he had lost in the fox attack. He said that it made him feel better. He told Sasuke he could talk about his dead family too. So Sasuke tried to talk about Mom sometimes. It made him sad - it always made him sad - but it didn’t feel bad. 

They put all the blame on Tobi, and they acted like Sasuke was the angel. Look, we don’t hate these two children for having their entire family slaughtered - we’re nice to one of them! The one who deserves it! But Sasuke didn’t know what he did to deserve it.

Their family deserved it. Sasuke heard that all the time. When they thought he wasn’t listening, or when they thought he wouldn’t understand. Sasuke heard them say it, and he saw them think it.

The Uchiha did this to themselves. Driving two of their geniuses crazy - didn’t they learn the first time? If those proud Uchiha had just learned their lesson, then this never would have happened. 

Sasuke hadn’t thought about it like that. Everybody says that Obito Uchiha’s an idiot now because they squeezed too much out of their genius. Tobi wouldn’t have gotten hurt if he was better, and he wouldn’t be so dumb if he wasn’t a genius. Sasuke knew it wasn’t his fault. He knew whose fault it was, and he knew it wasn’t Tobi’s fault. 

Was Itachi a genius driven crazy too? It wasn’t Tobi’s fault his brain got hurt. Was it Itachi’s fault that he went insane?

Those were not the thoughts of an avenger, so Sasuke dismissed them. It didn’t matter, anyway. Tobi got hurt and he was still a good person, because Tobi was a good person. If Itachi got hurt and became an evil murderer, then he was an evil murderer. Getting hurt just showed the world who he really was. That made sense. Getting hurt did that to you. It happened all the time.

School was such a waste of time. And they wouldn’t let him graduate early, even though he totally could, because graduating early turned Uchihas insane. Yeah. Sure. That was the problem. He’d take a medical internship, idiots. This swayed nobody.

He read his book under the table during lunch. During breaks, he stared out the window and thought about what he was going to make for dinner. Girls stood in a corner and whispered to themselves. Girls loved whispering. 

Right before lunch ended, a shaking girl stumbled up towards him. Her hands were clasped together, her face contrasted badly with her hair, and she was shifting on her feet too frequently. Sasuke didn’t know what any of this meant. Were these pain symptoms? Arrhythmia, maybe?

“Umm…Sasuke-kun…” The girl waved a strand of hair around her finger, face scarlet red. “Is that Advanced Statistical Theorems of Chakra Control volume three?”

Sasuke silently reached into his desk and gave her Advanced Statistical Theorems of Chakra Control volume two. Sakura accepted the book happily.

“The first volume’s in my locker, I’ll give it back to you after school!” Sakura said happily. In the corner, Ino buried her face in her hands. Other girls groaned. “Would you like to see my notes?”

“They’re messy.”

“I - I can make them a lot neater, Sasuke-kun!”

Neat notes meant more efficient learning meant better learning. “Sure.”

Sakura ran off. She eagerly showed off her book to her friends. They started berating her. Alright.

Sasuke stared out the window and thought about what he was going to make for dinner. 

Nothing else interesting happened. What a waste of his time.

Well. Something interesting happened to Naruto. He got into some kind of fight in the back of the class again. It was with Kiba this time. It was making memorizing theories of chakra control needed to begin creating medical chakra really difficult, so Sasuke turned around. 

They were yelling at each other. Something about Naruto being stupid, Kiba being dumb, Naruto not being able to read, Kiba smelling like dog, And What’s So Wrong With Smelling Like Dog Huh? Sasuke recognized the sign of imminent fisticuffs. If Naruto got into another fistfight he was going to be expelled.

Sasuke sighed, put his book down, and weaved around desks to the back of the class. Shikamaru and Chouji were already sitting on the row behind them, sharing a bag of chips.

Chouji waved, shy. He blushed when talking to Sasuke too. Whatever. “Hi, Sasuke-kun. What’s up?”

“He’s gonna yell at Naruto,” Shikamaru said. “Watch.”

Sasuke withdrew a kunai. He threw it straight at Naruto. The girls screamed. The kunai went straight into Naruto’s hand.

“Hm,” Shikamaru said.

Naruto pulled out the kunai, indignant beyond measure. Blood went everywhere. “Hey, teme! Watch where you throw that thing!”

Attention successfully diverted and point successfully made, Sasuke started ignoring him again. Kiba was swearing about how crazy Sasuke was, what a cool guy! Everyone in the room was agreeing that anybody who stabbed Naruto was the best. Naruto was shaking his hand, wound already closing up. Kiba was loudly noting this and calling him a freak fox. Sasuke held up another kunai. Naruto did not retaliate. Shaking, trembling, Hinata said that she thought dogs and foxes smelled nice. Ino asked her if she was seriously defending the Nine Tailed Fox. Hinata started crying. 

Meanwhile, Shikamaru was just staring at Sasuke. As if he did not want to be speaking at all, Shikamaru said, “My dad wants your cousin to come over again. Says that he can beat him at Go this time.”

Absolutely unsympathetically, Sasuke said, “He’s not going to beat him at Go.”

“I still don’t get that.” Chouji relentlessly stuffed another fistful of chips in his mouth. They should introduce him to ramen. Naruto might be able to make another friend. Food connected people, probably. “Isn’t your cousin…like, uh?”

“Like what?” Sasuke snapped. “You have something to say?”

“Uh, no, I -”

“If you have something to say, then say it.”

From above them, Naruto called out, “Sasuke, don’t get into another fight! You’ll get expelled this time!”

“I don’t get into fights!” Sasuke snapped. “It’s called defending the honor of the Uchiha!”

Many girls sighed. Shikamaru sighed, for a different reason. 

To Chouji, Shikamaru said, “I don’t get it either. It makes no sense and it’s stupid. Stupid things are such a pain.” Sasuke opened his mouth. “Not calling your cousin stupid.”

Chouji delicately nibbled on a fistful of chips. “What doesn’t make any sense?” 

Shikamaru didn’t say anything. He looked at the ceiling. He visibly debated if something was worth the effort to say - or maybe just worth the effort to explain. If it involved disparaging the honor of the Uchiha, Sasuke sure hoped that he would find it too annoying to say.

Finally, he only said, “Adults are boring. Way too boring. You know what they all say?” Shikamaru yawned. Already tired of this conversation. “Because he’s an Uchiha.”

“What does that even mean?”

“What’s because he’s an Uchiha?”

“Tiresome,” Shikamaru said. “Way too tiresome.”

Well. Sasuke didn’t have time for lazy people. 

Naruto was distracted by his fight by yelling at Sasuke, Sasuke was distracted by his fight by yelling at Naruto, and lunch ended. 

Everybody sucked at training because they didn’t work hard. Naruto and Hinata worked hard but they just sucked. Maybe they were made for each other. As always, the only person who was remotely challenging during spars was Naruto. Not because he was good at dodging. Or good at anything. He just didn’t get tired. Or give up. The teacher always had to call it. They always called it right when Sasuke had the upper hand. It really pissed him off. School was so annoying.

The final annoying thing happened after school ended. He was late getting out because Sakura had a question about action potentials. Sakura was only really capable of making conversation if it was about books or something, but Naruto said that Sasuke was the same way. Sakura eventually succumbed to her nature and sprinted away from him, and when he came outside he saw Naruto mobbed by that little gang of children. This didn’t matter. Sasuke was perfectly happy to ignore everything Naruto ever did. But Pakkun was waiting for him at the gates today, and he was so obviously entertained by Naruto’s struggles against small children that Sasuke had to stop and listen.

“You never listen to a word Jiji says!” Naruto barked. His arms were crossed over his chest, attempting to establish dominance over the six year olds. “I cannot turn into a fox!”

The little girl looked crushed by this. “Not even a good fox?”

“Not any kind of fox!”

“But if a good fox fights the bad fox, then maybe humanity’ll win over foxes forever!” 

Naruto very seriously considered this. “Moegi, you’re onto something. But I still can’t do that!”

“Jiji never tells me anything!” Konohamaru complained. The kid had one volume and it was all whining. Sasuke was glad he wasn’t the man of his house. “He says that I’m too young to hear about it! I’m six, Jiji!”

Udon fiddled with his big and clunky glasses. “Mama says that senpai’s evil.”

“I know!” Konohamaru shouted. “Isn’t it awesome!”

“Okay, okay! Listen up, maggots!” Naruto dramatically brandished a hand, and the children lined up in attack formation. Ebisu, leaning on a tree behind them and clearly catching his breath from chasing after Konohamaru, was visibly jealous of Naruto’s natural leadership skills. “I’ll only say this once!”

Naruto held up one finger. The children obligingly held up one finger. “One! Naruto Uzumaki is a super-cool orphan who was born the day the fox attacked! Not my fault! Nobody controls when they’re born, okay! Believe it!”

As if this was an active part of the lesson, the children chorused, “Nobody controls when they’re born!”

“Two! Because Uzumakis are super cool chakra powerhouses, I was the best baby in the entire stupid village to store the Nine Tailed Fox! Believe it!”

“What does that mean!” Konohamaru yelled. Pakkun barked. 

Naruto held up a third finger. As always, Naruto repeated Tobi’s explanation word-for-word. Kinda. “Third! You know sealing scrolls? Like, when you put a bowl of ramen in a scroll, and you can take the ramen out again later! And it’s still piping hot!” The kids nodded fastidiously. “I’m like a fox sealing scroll! The Fourth Hokage - he’s a good dad thing, not that I would know - saved the village from the Nine Tailed Fox attack by making me, a super cool baby, into a sealing scroll for a fox. Sealing scrolls are not foxes! Believe it!”

“Sealing scrolls are not foxes!”

“And there you have it!” Naruto concluded grandly. He propped his hands on his hips, tremendously proud of himself. “That’s the story of how Naruto Uzumaki saved the village. With the Fourth Hokage’s help, of course. Not bad, huh? I’m a really cool senpai!” Moegi raised her hand. “Yes, Moegi!”

Plainly, Moegi asked, “Then why does my Mommy say you’re a monster?”

“Because people are dumb and don’t understand!” Naruto immediately said. He really needed a better retort for this one. “They don’t get how anything works at all!”

“My mommy’s not stupid,” Moegi said reproachfully. “She says that you’re con-tamey-nated by evil chakra.”

“Sealing scrolls aren’t contaminated by ramen! That’s not how it works at all!”

Udon pushed up his clunky glasses. They slid down immediately. “My uncle says that the fox can see through your eyes and hear us and stuff.”

Heatedly, Konohamaru cried, “Tell the fox he’s really dumb, senpai!”

“The fox can’t do that!” Naruto cried. “Ramen can’t look through a seal, that’s stupid!”

“Ramen can’t see anything, senpai…”

“Tell the fox that he killed my Granny!”

“You never even met your granny!”

Ebisu sighed. Under his breath, he said, “So much for ‘don’t tell your kids’. Maybe that would have worked if nobody in this village ever got drunk.”

Pakkun woofed. Just loud enough for Sasuke to hear, he said, “This would be easier if they heard the real explanation first.” 

Ebisu glanced at Sasuke, then at Pakkun. He took a subtle but very large step away. 

Pakkun woofed again. Sasuke recognized the doggy amusement. “Wassup, Ebisu.”

“Ha ha hello! Is Tobi around?” Ebisu slid even further away. “He isn’t coming, is he?”

Sasuke couldn’t even get mad at the guy. In infinite pity, he said, “Pakkun picks me up when Tobi’s busy.”

“Oh! Wonderful. I mean.” Ebisu coughed. Very aware that he was being rude. Convinced that he was entitled to it. “Well! Tell him I wish him well. And that my new principal is a delight.”

Bodyguarding a six year old and wrangling three six year olds all day was a vacation in comparison to babysitting detail for Tobi. “I dunno what your problem is. Your teammates hang out with him for fun. Maybe you’re the problem.”

Pakkun looked up at Sasuke. “He wasn’t the problem.”

“Was it really funny to annoy him?” Sasuke asked unsympathetically. Ebisu coughed harder. “There you go. That’s weakness, Ebisu. It’s too hard to annoy Gai and Genma. The weak opponent gets cut down.”

“Hell, kid, I hope you haven’t been teaching him that talk. He’s way too impressionable. He’s like a duckling.” Ebisu sighed, looking back at the ferocious kids. “Hate to think what you and Naruto’ve been teaching him. Not my problem. Thank hell.”

Teaching him? Sasuke hoped that he’s been teaching Tobi to do the dishes! But Pakkun just gave Ebisu a particular doggy look. Naruto was still locked in fervent debate with six year olds. “You don’t know why Naruto knows, do you?” 

This story was still so fishy, but Sasuke wasn’t about to let onto that. Sasuke just sighed. “Tobi invites himself to hang out with the Hokage sometimes. Tobi was hanging out with the Hokage when Naruto invited himself to hang out with the Hokage and crawls through the window.” The Hokage was always telling Sasuke that the two were like grandkids to him. He sure acted like it. They both got away with everything, and gave them absolutely nothing. Sasuke didn’t know what kind of honorary grandpa left Tobi and Sasuke all alone like that, but Tobi told him not to say that. “Tobi didn’t know Naruto back then. But he’d heard all that stuff about him. The really nasty ones, that Naruto was literally the fox.”

Ebisu sighed. “Of course he did. That boy believes literally anything you tell him.”

“The fox literally killed his legal guardians and baby brother,” Sasuke snapped. Ebisu held up his hands in a plea for mercy. “He was in Hokage Tower when the fox destroyed it! He has fox trauma! More than a lot of people! And they didn’t even tell him how the Fourth died. Just what they were supposed to tell the rest of the kids - that the Fourth died to save the village from the fox. But he ended up hearing what all the adults think happened.” Nobody was supposed to know about Naruto. But they all did. Everybody only knew the worst things about each other. Sometimes Sasuke thought that was why everybody was so mean to each other. “So Tobi got really scared. And he freaked out, because he was scared, and he didn’t know that we weren’t supposed to say anything. So he said a ton, stuff came out, and the Hokage had to explain that Naruto saved the village and the Hokage likes him. And nobody tells me anything, so I only find out that we’re friends with Naruto now when we’re getting ramen with the loudmouth.”

“The Hokage wasn’t happy.” Pakkun scratched his ear thoughtfully. “Shikaku told him that this one was on him. Acting like the guy’s too stupid to understand anything important. A tower of secrets comes tumbling down eventually.” Pakkun sighed. “Nobody can lie forever. The longer it goes, the worse the fallout’s gonna be.”

“And now we hang out with Naruto,” Sasuke said bitterly. Haunted by pain and regrets. “He eats us out of house and home.”

“I dunno. He’s not that bad.” Pakkun yawned, long canines flashing. “He gives good belly rubs. Better than yours.”

Ebisu didn’t really look sad. He didn’t even look pitying. Good. Sasuke hated pity. He just looked a little thoughtful. “This was soon after the - uh, that, right?” Sasuke scowled at him. There was only one that. “Was Tobi scared a lot back then?”

“Yeah,” Sasuke said, “his entire family was dead and he didn’t know why. He kept getting scared that Itachi would come back when he didn’t even remember who killed everybody. And all he had was an eight year old who couldn’t help him because he was eight.” Pakkun barked. “And dogs. We had dogs. They were good dogs.”

Nobody ever had anything to say to that. Sasuke wasn’t afraid to say it. Nobody liked hearing it, but that didn’t matter. You had to say the stuff that people didn’t like to hear. Who cared about what other people wanted. Who even cared about other people. 

Sasuke didn’t know if Ebisu had anything to say to that either. The kids were cheering and pumping their fists in the air. 

Udon was patting Naruto’s back. “You’re pretty cool for a monster, senpai.”

“Senpai’s an awesome monster!” Konohamaru cheered. “Hey, will you eat my uncle!”

Moegi was patting Naruto on the arm. “Please turn into a fox and eat the evil foxes.”

“Bye, now! Come on, Konohamaru Squad, we got stuff to do!”

Then the kids were sprinting away, and Ebisu had to curse and sprint after them. Pakkun was muttering something about how his pup was very well behaved at that age. 

Naruto watched the kids run off. He didn’t look sad or anything. Naruto never looked sad. He didn’t look thoughtful, either. Naruto didn’t think. He didn’t look angry or frustrated or upset - nothing that Sasuke would ever feel. Nothing that Sasuke felt just watching it. 

Sasuke could walk up and stand next to him. Sasuke was the smartest person he knew, but sometimes he really wished he was smarter. A real genius, and not a fake one. If Sasuke was as good as he needed to be - good at everything - then maybe he’d know what to say. 

“Hey, Sasuke?”

Sasuke grunted. Naruto didn’t turn to look at him. He was just looking far away, into that crowded and pale horizon.

“I’m gonna be Hokage one day. And when I’m Hokage, the first thing I’m gonna do is make a new rule. I mean, the first thing I’m gonna do is end war and stuff. And then make everybody eat ramen forever. But the third thing! The third thing is real Hokage stuff.” Naruto nodded to himself, brimming with every last ounce of conviction that he needed. “My third Hokage thing is that everyone’s gonna have to believe me. I’m gonna tell people the truth. The real truth. And they’ll believe it!” Naruto grinned big and bright. He was already cheering himself up. Just the idea and the promise was enough to perk him back up. “And I’ll be the best Hokage ever!”

That was what it would take. If Naruto wanted people to believe him when he said that he wasn’t a vicious monster, he just had to become Hokage about it. Super possible. That was the only way it would be possible. Nothing less would do. Nothing less would even matter. 

So long as Naruto was less, he would never matter.

“Whatever.” Sasuke turned around and started to leave, leaving Pakkun running along at his heels. “Go home with Pakkun and check on Tobi. I gotta buy groceries.”

“Are we having ramen?!”

“You need real food, Naruto! Ramen has too much sodium!”

“Ramen doesn’t have soda in it!”

“How are you this stupid!”

Sasuke walked home alone. He wasn’t about to feed Tobi rotten vegetables.

*

Two days later, after a very small accident that didn’t completely burn down a building, Tobi towed Sasuke and Naruto to an estate on the other side of the village.

It was a very small accident, if a pretty big fire. Sasuke thought it was fine. Tobi loved fire, and they had more than enough buildings to burn down. Sasuke and Tobi used to burn down old shacks for fun before ANBU made them stop. Sasuke didn’t know what the problem was. But Tobi said that zapping a house every time he practiced a lightning jutsu wasn’t ‘a good use of their houses’, so off they went. To the Hatake place, apparently.

That didn’t make a lot of sense. Tobi hated damaging that estate. He wasn’t delicate with it - Tobi didn’t do delicate - but he hired genin to come and maintain the place about four times a year. The Uchiha compound looked more abandoned than the Hatake estate. Upkeep drained their finances, but the interest from the Hatake accounts covered the expense. The other clan leaders kept asking where a ten year old learned to balance a budget. From books, idiots. 

Naruto hopped off the rooftop - teaching Naruto how to jump between roofs had been a very good use of their houses - and immediately started running around. Sasuke had to yell after him not to damage the paper doors this time, and that meant no slamming! Tobi just happily made a hand signal, summoning the entire pack of dogs. 

They all sniffed out their location immediately, and Sasuke saw them all perk up in excitement. Tobi beamed, saluting the dogs. “Playtime for puppies and Tobi and Sasuke and Naruto! Everyone be back by dinnertime! And can a puppy volunteer to save the house from Naruto?” Bisque sighed. “Thank you, 

Biscuit! Tobi loves you!”

The dogs barked, nosed at Tobi as he enthusiastically petted each one of them, nosed at Sasuke until he gave each and every dog the exact same number of pats, and all ran off to nip at each other’s heels and sniff around. Pakkun said that they could still smell Kakashi and his dad all around the estate. Apparently it was really comforting. Sasuke got it.

“Watching Sasuke accidentally hit one of our houses with lightning gave Tobi a super good idea!” Tobi beckoned Sasuke to a back field of the estate. It was all dirt, with a few tall pillars of dirt standing several feet away from each other. “Uchiha chakra elements are all fire, and Hatake chakra elements were lightning. Like we have special fireproof training areas, Hatake had special lightningproof ones! I trained on them more than Kakashi-kun did.” Tobi propped his hands on his hips, nodding happily. “If Sasuke-kun likes to practice lightning, then we can come here!”

“You trained on them?” Sasuke looked around the field, trying to imagine Tobi zapping dirt pillars with lightning. It wasn’t easy. “Can you teach me jutsus?”

Tobi laughed a little, scrubbing the back of his neck. “I’m not too good at jutsus, Sasuke-kun…”

“But you know them!” Sasuke protested. “You don’t have to mold chakra to teach me about them, right?” Tobi hesitated, hand falling. “I need to learn these things! How am I going to get strong without every advantage I can get, Tobi!”

“Um…I guess I shouldn’t always be a burden, haha.” Tobi’s laugh was a lot more nervous. “How about Sasuke and Tobi study jutsus together? We can learn like friends!”

“Burden? Who was calling you a burden!”

“Sasuke during ramen? Anyway, Tobi likes Tobi’s idea! The Hatake library has a whole big shelf of lightning jutsus. Why doesn’t Sasuke-kun pick one out?”

Sasuke did that? He didn’t do that. Sasuke beat up people who called Tobi a burden or useless. Sasuke wouldn’t…

Sasuke thought hard about everything he said over ramen a few days ago. About how he couldn’t achieve his life dreams because he had to look after Tobi. Tobi had really obviously heard him…

That sounded a lot like he was calling Tobi a burden, wasn’t it?

“I didn’t mean to do that.” Sasuke was really embarrassed. He knew he got snappy and prickly when he was embarrassed. He tried not to do that to Tobi, though. He…tried hard to be nice. “I’m - uh. That wasn’t what I meant.”

“It’s okay. I’m just like that.” Tobi shrugged, as if it didn’t matter one way or another. “Does Sasuke want to pick out some cool jutsu scrolls now?”

“I don’t want to train anymore!” Sasuke yelled, before running away very quickly. 

The traditional-style home was really big, and most of it was locked up with stasis jutsus around the perimeter. It helped save the rice paper and wood from rotting. The rooms that weren’t locked up were just used as storage. Judging by how dusty and old-fashioned it looked, a lot of it was Hatake stuff. Sasuke once found an entire room of just katanas. Samurai were cowardly losers and Sasuke didn’t care about their garbage, cheap, and shitty swords. He didn’t even care that Tobi made him put the black bladed katana back. 

It wasn’t just Hatake stuff. Sasuke found another room stacked with sealing supplies and reference material. Another room had a lot of much newer-looking broken stuff in it, but a lot of scrolls and clothing too. 

Sasuke rattled open a half-remembered room. No jutsu scrolls in here. But he did get a pleasant and nostalgic surprise. Tobi had moved a lot of the clutter in his house into this house when he…realized that Sasuke had moved in, and he had put all of Rin’s medical textbooks in this one. 

Sasuke couldn’t keep all of them in his room, so he had fastidiously picked out his favorite ten textbooks and all the most important reference manuals before giving the rest to Tobi to pack away here. Sasuke immediately crouched over one of the boxes, rifling through all of the old books. Oh, here were the case study scrolls. Those were super interesting. There was a case of medical chakra accidentally causing a woman to grow three new livers! 

Sasuke picked up Fundamentals of Human Anatomy. He brushed his hand over the leather cover, running his fingers over the embossed text. He couldn’t really call it a good memory, but he couldn’t say it was a bad one. Was there a word for a good thing during a bad time? Something that didn’t make you any happier, but made the bad things go away for a little while? A painkiller?

The first two months after that were boring. There was a lot of stuff to do, but the crowded time was so empty. Sasuke tried to train, but Tobi would just follow him out and get in the way. Tobi wanted to play a lot, but Sasuke couldn’t really work up the energy, so Sasuke ended up just putting him in front of the television. They watched flickering films in black and white together. They were boring, but Tobi really liked them. He could watch television all day. But he was really convinced that he knew how to cook things when he really didn’t, and Sasuke didn’t like leaving him alone for a long time. They were living out of the pantry for a while. And their neighbor’s pantry. And their neighbor’s pantry. 

Sasuke was a big reader. Obviously, Tobi wasn’t. The only books in his house were three boxes of old medical textbooks. Sasuke had asked Tobi whose textbooks they were. They definitely weren’t his. 

Tobi had looked confused. “Um…Rin-chan’s? She gave me her books. Then she went away.”

“Who doesn’t,” Sasuke had muttered. 

“Rin-chan’s a medic,” Tobi had told him. He had sounded so proud about it. “Rin-chan saves lives and everything. She works super hard, she’s super cool!”

Sasuke had nothing better to do, so he read the books. They had really distracted him. He had to dig around for a dictionary, but that was distracting too. Sometimes Tobi wanted attention and it was kind of hard, but that was what the television was for. Tobi was just happy if Sasuke was there. 

Like two months later, Tobi finally noticed the books. Or registered them. He had looked all confused again. 

“Sasuke-chan, what are you doing with Rin-chan’s books? They’re kind of difficult, aren’t they?”

Sasuke had rolled his eyes, flipping a page. He had started taking notes. “I’m too busy to play right now. We can watch TV later.”

“Tobi did not ask that?” Tobi had crouched in front of him. Sasuke was lying on his stomach flipping through the book again, armed with his dictionary at his elbow. Tobi just frowned, stiff forehead creasing. A little carefully, he said, “Does Sasuke want to learn medicine?”

“Sure,” Sasuke said. It was the first time he’d said that. It was the first time he’d really realized it. “Why not.”

Tobi hesitated. He looked really sad. Not his usual kind of sad, either. “Sasuke. None of that’s going to fix me.”

“It’s not about that.” Sasuke said it very patiently. He highlighted another row of his notes. The textbooks were really heavily marked up, but Sasuke never wrote in them. “It’s just for fun. If you’re hungry, I can make dinner.”

“Tobi can make dinner…”

He could. Tobi had bounced back, and he kept on trying to take care of Sasuke. He kept saying it was his turn. But Sasuke hated that. He didn’t even really know why. “Your dinners are so bad.”

Tobi liked to ask Sasuke what he was learning, and he listened in interest as long as Sasuke wanted to talk about it. He clearly didn’t understand a word, but he nodded along anyway. Sasuke had him sit still so he could practice naming bones. 

Sasuke was withdrawn from the Academy for the rest of the year. Well, Sasuke withdrew himself. It was almost the start of the year. They made him go back the next year, but that year was spent learning medicine and training and self-studying and learning how to balance a budget. Learning it all. And Naruto was there. 

When he came back, he was so ahead of all the other kids it wasn’t even funny. And everyone decided that he got cool. He had just felt a little socially awkward. He hadn’t talked with a lot of people for a year. Naruto didn’t count.

  Sasuke flipped through the book. Tch. So basic. He had struggled with this?

Through the thin paper walls, Sasuke heard dogs barking. Sasuke cursed, dropping the book and scrambling upwards. He knew that bark. 

Amazingly, nothing was on fire. Naruto hadn’t even punched a hole through any more paper doors. He was just doing the same things as Sasuke and rummaging around through old boxes. What was he doing it for? He wasn't avoiding Tobi. Not that Sasuke was avoiding him. He was just spending his time in a place that Tobi almost never went in. Educationally.

Bisque was barking because he'd found a big batch of dusty dog toys. He was in doggy heaven. Some of them were super chewed up, and Sasuke wondered if they were old puppy toys. Sasuke half expected Naruto to be playing with the dog toys too - he'd seen him do it - but Naruto was just flipping through a book instead. Obviously, it was all pictures. A photo album.

Sasuke squatted down next to Naruto, who was leafing through the pictures with unusual intent. “Don't try to show Tobi any old pictures of him. He hates it.” He really, really hated it. “Why are you going through our stuff?”

Without looking up, Naruto held up a stuffed animal. It was a very lopsided and squishy bear. Probably. It was obviously hand-sewn.

“I'm looking for baby pictures of Mr. Bear,” Naruto said, with blistering and inane confidence. “Cause this is a baby version, see?” Sasuke gave him a disgusted look. “Never mind! I'll explain my genius later.”

Nothing to explain. Sasuke bent his head over the flipping album pages. Mr. Bear sounded kind of familiar. Wasn't that Naruto’s favorite stuffed toy? Ugh, why did Sasuke know Naruto’s baby toys? 

“This is all the Fourth Hokage.” Felt kind of weird to be going through a Hokage’s personal things, but they were Uchiha clan property. “He needs to brush his hair. Hey, stop.”

Naruto stopped. Sasuke flipped a few pages back to the picture he saw. It was of a red-headed woman. She has to be Tobi’s adopted sister. This one caught his eye because she was grinning hugely, and was wearing a really horrible shade of orange. Sasuke ignored the part where she was standing on a freshly killed bear carcass. 

“That's the Uzumaki lady,” the chronically self-obsessed Naruto said. “She has the most pictures in here! I tried to find pictures of Tobi, but there's no team pictures in - hey, watch it!”

Sasuke slid the picture out of the case and held it up next to Naruto’s face. Uchiha had great eye for detail, pattern recognition, and spatial awareness. He was the perfect specimen to notice these things. 

With the utmost authority of the Uchiha, Sasuke said, “You're identical.”

“What! We’re not!” Naruto tugged the picture out of Sasuke’s hand, squinting ferociously at it. “She’s got red hair!” Sasuke covered her hair with his fingers. “Whoah, we’re identical!”

Uchiha genes were very strong. Everyone said so. Tobi said it was because they were inbred, which felt like a bad word so he told Tobi not to say it. Even if the Uzumaki were a huge clan from everywhere who definitely weren't inbred, family resemblances could really get weird like that. Sasuke was identical to his great-whatever Izuna. Who cared about him, though. Even so… 

“It's the smile,” Sasuke decided. “It's that exact same smile. Like she's saying…everyone clap and cheer and tell me how great I am.”

“I don't say that! And lots of people smile like that, anyway!”

It was that smile. More recognizable than anything else about Naruto. When Sasuke thought of Naruto, he was always smiling.

Sasuke flipped back a page to a picture of the Fourth and Kushina on a date. They were both dressed so horribly. Sasuke took out that picture too, holding it up next to Naruto’s face. On second thought, his hair. 

“Whoah!” Naruto cried. “We're identical!”

“No, you're both just blond.” Sasuke gave him the picture so he could squint at it. “How many people are blond. Ino’s hair is really ashy. This is the same color, see? All the Uzumaki I know have red hair.”

Naruto stared at the picture. Sasuke always felt really disconcerted when he couldn't tell what Naruto was thinking. That meant you couldn’t stop any bad ideas. 

Naruto stuffed the picture in his jumpsuit before turning around and grabbing the other stuffed animal. He glared at it hard, as if it was willing to unstitch its mouth and spill its secrets if he just did anything but smile. “I don't care about old boxes and stuff. But Bisque found this toy and thought it was a chew toy. And I was worried he was eating something important so I stole it from him. And then I got really worried, ‘cause this Mr. Bear looks just like my Mr. Bear. It was dropped off with me at the orphanage. So I was like…he's obviously eating some baby's really important toy! But then I was like…that doesn't make any sense! ‘Cause it sucks. Like someone was practicing when they made it.”

“Hey,” Sasuke said. “Tobi’s baby brother died in the fox attack.”

Sasuke and Naruto stared at each other. 

A box clattered, and Sasuke and Naruto jumped. But it was just Bisque, nosing around in a dusty box. He had knocked it over in his enthusiasm, and paperback books were spilling over the floor. Why were they letting dogs chew on all this important old stuff!

Sasuke stood up and started putting the books away. Bisque was randomly barking and pawing at a few books, and Sasuke’s eye was drawn to one. 

The Tale of the Utterly Gutsy Shinobi.The cover was big and bright, like a kid’s book. Tobi said Kushina loved that author. He also said that its author wrote a lot of popular books, but that Tobi was only allowed to read that one. Sasuke checked out the other books, and told Tobi he definitely wasn't allowed to read them. He ended up bargaining them away to Sakura in exchange for her forged restricted library pass. 

Bisque nosed the book over, and Sasuke crouched down to read the back. Bisque started trying to dive into the rest of the box, and Naruto hurriedly rushed over to stop him from chewing up more suspicious memories. 

The back of the book advertised the tale of the most surprising ninja of all, Naruto. Sasuke poked open the cover. There was a dedication inside. 

To three best friends, the gutsiest Shinobi I know. 

On the opposite page, there was a handwritten message. 

I can deliver sometimes, you know! Exactly as you two requested: an audacious hero, a loyal best friend, and an ultra-violent woman. Your kids are gonna love it. Yes, I remembered the happy ending for Tobi. Tell him my other literature ain't too shabby either - teenage boys have needs, you know. 

Cheers,

The world’s goddest father Jiraiya

Sasuke and Naruto looked at each other. 

Sasuke slammed the book shut. “We can't tell Tobi.”

“My dad’s the fourth Hokage?!”

“Obviously. Keep up.” Sasuke was also feeling extremely off-balance from this, but Uchiha showed decorum at all times. He stood up and shoved the book back in the box, shoving the other books back on top of it by the armful. “Hokage’s kids always have bodyguards. They must have kept your identity secret ‘cause the Fourth Hokage had enemies.”

“The Fourth Hokage my dad?!”

“They didn't send you to live in secret with a bodyguard nanny. It’s because they hate you.” This was looking grim. “They told Tobi you died because they didn't want him to know that they put you in an orphanage. Because they hated you.”

“The Fourth Hokage my dad put the fox in me?!” Naruto screeched. “Why did he do that to his own baby!”

“Because you were there?”

“Was it because he hated me?” Naruto seemed moderately perturbed by this. “Damn. I always thought they might like me. So much for that.”

“It could have been because you were there,” Sasuke said aggressively. “Or maybe you just had bad vibes or something. I don't know. Who cares. Ask Tobi if his dead baby brother wasn't fun to be around.”

“What, because Tobi’s dead baby brother is me?!” Naruto stopped short, thinking hard. “But I'm not a baby…”

“Why do we talk.”

“Because we're secret cousins!” Naruto screamed. “Naruto and Sasuke are secretly -”

“We're not secret cousins! If they aren't Uchiha, they aren't related to me!” Secret cousins with Naruto! He would rather literally die! “Listen, Naruto. Do you think people know about this?”

Naruto thought as hard as he could. He seemed increasingly distressed. Maybe he was overheating his brain. “I dunno! People liked the Fourth. His face is on a mountain!” They put every face on a mountain. “If people knew he was my secret dad, then wouldn’t everyone be a lot nicer?!”

“There’s no way the Fourth’s friends didn’t know Kushina-nee was pregnant.” Sasuke physically couldn’t imagine anybody related to Naruto keeping a secret. And bodyguards knew everything about you. “Kushina Uzumaki? Naruto Uzumaki? The old guys in the Uzushio quarter had to know that there was only one pregnant and dead Uzumaki lady. They barely even tried to hide it.” So much for hiding the Hokage’s secret kid away for his own safety. They didn’t change his stupid name. “Nobody in this village can stop themselves from spreading mean rumors about you. Wouldn’t they at least be saying stupid shit about how the Fourth sealed the fox in his baby because his baby had bad vibes?”

“Everyone just says that I killed the Fourth. That it’s all my fault.” When Tobi had heard that, he had gone into a very extensive rant about how Naruto was the baby who had Stepped Up and helped the Fourth. This was how Naruto had gotten the idea that he was a naturally very heroic baby. “If they knew, then they wouldn’t say that. Right? Right, Sasuke?”

“Sure, whatever.” Sasuke crossed his arms and nodded. A conclusion had been reached. “The Fourth’s friends and the important ninja knew. And also random guys. But most people don’t know.” Maybe the people who knew she was pregnant were also told that the baby died in the attack. But…Uzumaki. Uzumaki. Seriously. Not everyone was Tobi. “That means that all of your mom and dad’s friends knew that you were dumped in an orphanage and that everyone hated you, and they didn’t do anything about it. Nobody even told you that they didn’t hate you.” Something extremely offensive occurred to Sasuke. “My mom and Kushina were best friends! Shisui-nii said so! Even Mother didn’t do anything?”

But that explained it. That explained a lot. Why Mother never liked Sasuke spending time with Tobi. Why she hated it when Itachi did what he never did and played with everyone. 

Mother never encouraged Sasuke to hang out with Naruto. Not like Tobi did. She never really said bad things about him like everyone else’s mothers did, but she never said anything good about him either. She hadn’t said anything. And she’d done nothing.

She had felt guilty. 

How could you be so mean just because you felt guilty? If you hated the bad thing you were doing, then just don’t do it! Was it just less work to hate yourself? Why was it so hard to be nice to the nicest people in this horrible village? 

Did they think it wasn’t hard for Naruto and Tobi to be nice? Did they think that they were too stupid to realize that people hated them? They knew! They knew how mean other people were, and they decided to be nice anyway! It wasn’t fair! 

It didn’t have to be unfair! It didn’t have to be like this! But it was unfair, because people just didn’t care if it was fair or not!

Naruto’s face fell. “I don’t get that. I wouldn’t let everyone hate your super-cool baby, Sasuke. Did they hate my mom and dad too?” The train of thought seemed to perk him up. “Hey, then we all got that in common!”

Just to be incredibly nice, Sasuke said, “If everyone secretly hated your mom and dad, then I’m sure they were actually pretty cool.” You couldn’t trust people who other people liked. “We have to pack all of this stuff back up. We’ll tell Tobi that I was teaching you how to read kanji.”

Naruto leapt into action. He didn’t start packing things up - just flipping through the photo album and taking all of the pictures of his parents that he could find. He was stuffing the old photographs in random places in his jumpsuit, as if he was stealing food from a family cookout again. “I can’t wait to tell Tobi. Knowing that his dead baby brother’s -”

“We can’t tell Tobi.” Sasuke snatched the photo album away from Naruto, enraging him. He stuffed it back into another box. “You have to promise not to tell him. You can keep a secret, I’ve seen you do it.”

“What? Why?!” Naruto dived, trying to grab the bear, but Sasuke snatched it up before he could and tossed it into another box. “I’ll tell him that I was so cool as a baby that I could come back from the dead -”

“No! Are you insane? Don’t you dare!” Sasuke swept the books back up and dumped them back into a box, pulling away into the corner. “Tobi barely understands death as it is! Telling him that dead baby brothers can come back to life is just going to give him ideas!”

“It’s not like I actually died -”

“So?! You think that makes a difference? Do you have any idea how long it took to convince him that our family was dead?” Medical textbooks. When Sasuke thought of those days, all he remembered were medical textbooks. The television blaring as Sauke squinted at cramped text in the dim light. “Do you have any idea how many times I had to tell him that Shisui wasn’t coming back? You and your really convoluted deal is just going to confuse him.” 

Naruto clearly didn’t understand. Why would he. He wasn’t there. Nobody had been there. It took two weeks before Gai started coming around, and he was the only one who ever tried. 

At least that made sense now. If this village couldn’t even give their precious Fourth Hokage’s son a hand - if they couldn’t even not be mean to him - then what chance did Sasuke and Tobi Uchiha ever have?

“He got the picture eventually, right! If he doesn’t get it, we’ll just explain it! Wouldn’t he get super excited to hear about this? He’d, like, hold a party -”

“And if Shisui just waltzed back into Konoha, I’d never be able to convince him that people can’t come back from the dead. The guy’s got way too many dead families for that, Naruto!” Sasuke tucked the dog toy box shut, hoisting it up and dumping it in a corner. “If you make me spend hours convincing him that Kakashi’s not coming back for his house, I’m going to fireball you to death.”

“But I don’t like keeping secrets!” Naruto protested. “And I’m not good at it, anyway! What’s the point in not telling people? We can tell Gai! And Ramen Guy and Ramen Girl!” Naruto was clearly already warming to this topic. “If people know that the Fourth Hokage -”

“Get real, Naruto. Nobody’s going to believe you. Everyone knows you lie for attention all the time.” Naruto would do anything for attention. What a loser. “Telling people’s just gonna make ‘em hate you more. Telling Tobi’s just going to upset him. We gotta keep this a secret.”

“But -”

“Shut up, Naruto! I am not doing this again!” Sasuke pushed Naruto, but this time Naruto didn’t push back. He always pushed back, and then Tobi had to fret over them wrestling again. “If you put me and Tobi through that again, I’m never gonna talk to you! And if you run around telling the people who blame you for the Fourth’s death that he’s secretly your dad, then all you’re gonna get is more drunk guys trying to stab you with a broken beer bottle!”

Sasuke realized a little too late that he had just said some pretty harsh stuff. He did that all the time, and Naruto always let him do it. In a lot of ways, Naruto was kind of terrible for Sasuke. Sasuke kept on being way meaner and colder than he meant to be, but Naruto just accepted it all with a smile. Why didn’t he fight back? Didn’t he care if people were nice to him?

He did care. Naruto wouldn’t want people to be nice to him if he didn’t care. So why didn’t he ever ask Sasuke to be nice? Did he just think Sasuke wasn’t capable? Or was he worried Sasuke wouldn’t do it even if he asked? Naruto didn’t worry about anything, since that would involve stringing two thoughts together, but…

“But we’ll tell Tobi someday, right?”

And, just because Sasuke could be nice to Naruto sometimes, he said, “Sure. When the truth doesn’t hurt anyone, then we’ll tell him.”

“Why is telling the truth worse than keeping a secret?” Naruto asked, unimpressed. “Secrets are why we have all these stupid problems. Problems can’t fix themselves, you know!”

“It’s not about fixing,” Sasuke said. “It’s about not making everything a thousand times worse. And things can always get worse. So let’s just go.”

Naruto really was the nicer one. He complained for the next ten minutes, but he stuffed the pictures in the hidden pocket of his jumpsuit anyway. 

Tobi wasn’t in the training field. Sasuke wasn’t surprised - he got distracted really easily, and he was always wandering off. But Sasuke and Naruto didn’t find him rooting through boxes or delighting in a fox den. They saw him sitting on the walkway outside a large room, sliding doors open and allowing a crossbreeze to flow through. Tobi was kicking his heels on the dirt, leaning back and looking up at the sky. Naruto opened his mouth, about to call out to him, but Sasuke quickly shushed him. Tobi was talking to those clouds. 

“You wanted those kids so bad.” Sasuke and Naruto? “I never told you. It’s stupid, but…I hated imagining the father of those kids. The idea of you doing something important without us…it was just too much. Rin. Rin, I wanted to be…” Tobi trailed off, sighing. Sasuke and Naruto gaped at each other. “Tobi’s very sorry. Tobi ruined it before Rin-chan did. Tobi would have messed it all up without Kakashi-kun, anyway…”

The thought of Tobi wanting children made Sasuke dizzy. It didn’t make any sense. Why didn’t it make any sense? It was such a normal thought. Everyone in his class talked about their future kids (except Shikamaru). For some reason, it just felt weird coming from Tobi. Sasuke didn’t know that he had regrets.

Naruto had no such compunctions. Sasuke would have much rather kept eavesdropping, but Naruto decided to step forward and call out. “Tobi! We’re done teaching me kanji!”

Tobi twisted around, blinking at them. Then he smiled, bright and easy and unburdened. That smile was too important to Sasuke. Most of the time he thought he knew why, but sometimes he wasn’t sure. “Sasuke-chan! Naruto-chan! Did you have fun reading?”

“We read lots of stuff and it was super stressful!” Naruto ran forward, throwing himself down next to Tobi. Sasuke tsk’d, following at a far more sedate pace. “Hey, do you want to play squirrels? The trees ‘round here look super good for squirrels! I can last way longer than stupid Sasuke this time!”

Sasuke carefully sat down on Tobi’s other side. He considered the matter deeply. Then he scooched an inch closer to Tobi. “You blow up the branches. You’re gonna blow up a branch and make a tree fall on a roof. Then you’re going to fall and hit your head. Then you’re going to get stupider.”

“I never said I’d do that!”

“You don’t have to say it. That’s what happened last time.”

“Today’s a new day!” Tobi said brightly. He looked down at Sasuke, and offered another grin just for him. “Did Sasuke find a cool new jutsu?”

Sasuke scooched a little closer to Tobi. “Stupid Naruto distracted me.”

“Stop being a jerk!”

A little baffled, Tobi said, “You can still go get one? Tobi can help train -”

“Whatever.”

Tobi blinked at him. Then he smiled again - a little less bright, but somehow warmer. “Sasuke-chan would rather play!”

It wasn’t playing. It was learning how to walk and stick on trees with chakra. Sasuke was super good at it. He outlasted Naruto every time. Not Tobi, though. Sasuke still won a lot: Tobi frequently got distracted and fell anyway. Or he got bored and fell. Or he thought it would be fun to fall, and fell. 

Solitary avengers didn’t play. They didn’t have time for stuff like that. But this was training, wasn’t it? Sasuke could train and hang out with Tobi at the same time. It’s not like he had to pick one. Right?

He wasn’t picking one or the other. Sasuke was picking family. So long as he picked family, he would always be honoring the Uchiha. He wouldn’t be disappointing them. 

Or the only one who mattered. 

“Tch.”

Sasuke scooted a little closer.

*

Tobi wasn’t breathing.

Sasuke remembered the day he realized that Tobi didn’t breathe. He had been seven. Tobi had pretended that Sasuke’s fearsome katon had laid him out, and he was lying on the ground as Sasuke crawled all over him. Shisui was laughing. Itachi was fretting about grass stains in Sasuke’s white shorts. 

Sasuke had felt something off before he realized it. Only subconsciously: feeling it without knowing it. When Sasuke did realize it, he’d screamed and fallen off Tobi. Tobi had scrambled upright so quickly it was like he hadn’t moved at all.

Sasuke had asked Tobi if he was dead. Tobi had just blinked at him. Then he had solemnly replied that he was dead, and that Tobi was an evil zombie back from the dead to haunt little boys. Shisui had to explain that Tobi’s body was super weird, and that the weird chakra in his body breathed for him. The Mokuton, and the Hashirama cells. Sasuke hadn’t realized how amazing they really were. He wouldn’t realize it for a very long time. He’d just never thought about it.

Tobi wasn’t breathing. Sasuke was used to it. It only ever really bothered him at times like this: when Tobi lay in the hospital bed, absolutely unmoving. Unbreathing. He may as well be dead. 

He wasn’t. Sasuke had confirmed it himself ten times. It was just the genjutsu. Sasuke, Kurenai, and three other experts couldn’t break it. Kurenai had said that it would wear out on its own. That wasn’t good enough. It really wasn’t good enough at all. Kurenai said that she was very sorry, but reality was reality. 

Apparently Tobi had barely left Sasuke’s bedside. Sasuke was fine, obviously. It was one stupid little tailed beast. One tail. Naruto was nine tails. Anybody only one ninth as strong as Naruto was literally nothing. Sasuke ate Shukaku for breakfast. Naruto said that Shukaku chewed him up and spat him out, but Sasuke frankly just didn’t agree. Sasuke had regained consciousness very quickly. That was like winning. If you had lost. If you had lost a stupid fucking fight, and other people had to save you.

 As the village rebuilt itself, as every ninja ran around in complete emergency mode, Tobi spent almost all his time in Sasuke’s hospital room.

He shouldn’t have. He really shouldn’t have. He should have been off doing his job as a ninja. He was still insisting that he was retired, but waking up the entire stadium wasn’t the work of a retired ninja. Getting half the civilians out of there wasn’t the work of a retired ninja either. Nobody could have done better. 

Sasuke hadn’t done better. Tobi and Naruto had to save him from that fight with Shukaku. Tobi had figured out his Mokuton for the first time, just at the right moment - using both his Mokuton and his Mangekyo to subdue Shukaku while Naruto talked sense into Gaara. All Sasuke had done was get rescued. Useless.

Tobi shouldn’t have stayed by his hospital bed. If he hadn’t, then…then…

There was a series of soft and polite knocks at the door. Sasuke grunted, and the door swung open as a woman poked her head in. She was wearing a white apron with a Leaf insignia over the heart- a doctor, although Sasuke hadn’t seen her before. And he would have remembered her. Because…

“Can I come in?”

It was embarrassing to admit. But she was probably the most beautiful woman Sasuke had ever seen. Despite himself, he felt his face flushing a little. Her form was petite and slight, but her smile as she walked in was dazzling. 

“How’s he doing?”

Even her voice was lovely. Sasuke coughed, willing his flush away. A good medic would have been able to dilate his capillaries and fix this problem. But Sasuke wasn’t a very good medic at all.

“Completely unchanged.” Somewhat uncharacteristically, Sasuke displayed concern over his fellow man. “How’s everybody else?”

The woman looked a little sad, but calm and in-control. She moved to check Tobi’s temperature. The back of her hand lingered on his forehead. “The genjutsu victims are waking up. Asuma Sarutobi and Kurenai Yuuhi are expected to make full recoveries as well.”

“Good. That’s - that’s good.” Sasuke cleared his throat. Sore throat. Tobi really had all of their teams spending too much time together. “Have they figured out if it was a - a henge or not?”

The woman gave him a sympathetic look. Sasuke abruptly felt like a complete idiot. The last thing he needed was pity. He had no idea that pity from a beautiful woman was so embarrassing. He didn’t pay a lot of attention to women who weren’t Sakura or Tenten. “Do you think it was?”

Sasuke didn’t say anything.

“What would you do,” the woman said, “if it wasn’t?”

Tightly, Sasuke said, “None of your business.”

The woman’s hands glowed green, and she slowly ran her hands over Tobi’s body in a diagnostic. She must have worked with him in the past - new doctors were always shocked and amazed when they felt his chakra networks for the first time, no matter how well they’d been briefed.

“He’s going to be just fine,” the woman said softly. She was looking down at Tobi with a very soft and kind gaze. This must be the nicest woman in the hospital. Sasuke bet that all the nurses called her an angel. “Itachi and Shisui Uchiha just wanted him out of the way.”

Sasuke’s fist clenched. 

“They did end up making a mess on their way out, though…” the woman sighed, and moved towards Sasuke. “You shouldn’t even be up. You woke from your coma only hours ago. Can I check your nervous system?”

Sasuke nodded stiffly. The woman stood in front of him - really close. She smelled like rain, fresh and clean, and her proximity made Sasuke blush even harder. Like this, he could really see her cleavage…

Sasuke agonized over not seeing her cleavage as her hands glowed green and she checked his nervous system. His body was buzzing. It would be way too obvious if he closed his eyes. Like, there would only be one reason why he would be closing his eyes, right? He had to be cool about this. She could definitely tell. This was so embarrassing. He hated women. Sasuke was never talking to any woman other than Sakura and Tenten ever again. And he could take or leave Sakura half the time. 

“There we go,” the woman said. “Now we can talk.”

Horribly, Sasuke only noticed it once she stepped away. The heat and awkwardness and anxiety had masked it. He hadn’t even felt what she was doing - that she was temporarily closing off the signals from his spinal cord to his muscles. 

Sasuke couldn’t move. He couldn’t even open his mouth.

The woman sat down on Tobi’s bed, across from Sasuke. She didn’t look any different, feel any different - a face so kind and gentle. 

They said that Itachi and Shisui wanted Sasuke. That Tobi had interrupted them from - from kidnapping him or something. It sounded ridiculous. Sasuke couldn’t imagine why Itachi - why Shisui would, why he ever would - 

They’d caused a bit of a fuss. This woman hadn’t. She wasn’t even causing a fuss now. 

“Yes. Those boys did a very good job covering my entry. Shisui-kun volunteered to have this conversation with you, but I thought you might be too upset at him. You have no idea how much he missed you two. He wanted to come home for so long. But he couldn’t. Konoha would have killed him as soon as looked at him.” 

This woman was with Itachi. 

The woman sat so daintily, hands crossed in her lap. But when she stared at Sasuke, he felt pinned to the ground. There was something suffocating about those eyes. “Sasuke-kun. I’m the only person in this world who truly knows how you feel.”

No. Nobody knew how he felt. Nobody ever could - 

“You hate this village. You hate how it treats you and your cousin. You hate how it punishes Tobi and Naruto for something that they couldn’t control. This village punishes innocent people - good people, people who never did anything wrong - and they never punish the really bad people. There’s no justice in Konoha. Nothing in this village is fair. Is this untrue, Sasuke? Am I wrong?”

Instinctively, Sasuke wanted to flinch back. To deny it, to shut her down. Nobody who worked with Itachi should understand an avenger. She was right.

“You want to punish Konoha,” the woman said simply. “You want to make the world fair. You want to avenge your family. You want to take vengeance on Konoha. But you need power to do it - power you don’t have.”

The woman leaned forward a little, hands clasped neatly in her lap. Her eyes were arresting - large and deep and dead. “What will you do for the power to avenge your family, Sasuke?”

Anything. He’d do anything. Anything but sell out to Itachi’s friends!

“I’ll be honest with you, alright? I’m from another village. I didn’t come to hurt you or any of your friends. I really just wanted to talk to you, Sasuke. I wanted to make you an offer.” The woman straightened, shoulders straight but soft. “In my village, you’ll find the power that you’re looking for. We’ll teach you how to take revenge on Konoha - to avenge your clan. And when you’re ready to face Itachi…he’s a member of this village too. He’s been waiting for you, you know.”

Sasuke could barely breathe. His breaths were being regulated carefully. This woman’s talent was that precise. He was frantically trying to undo what she had done, but his own grip was far too clumsy and imprecise. It was as if she could see a hundred times better than him - that a hundred more doors were opened. She had a scalpel and Sasuke had his bare fingers. Her skill as a medic outclassed him so much. Sasuke hadn’t been outclassed like this since…since…

“I won’t push you. It’s your choice. I just wanted to give you the option. I know that’s one thing Konoha has never afforded you. The power you’re searching for…I want you to have it. All you have to do is take it.” The woman sighed, standing up. “You have until tonight. Unfortunately, I can’t stick around and wait for you. But my friend here will be available.” She held up her arm, and a small black snake poked its diamond head out of her sleeve. Its pink tongue flashed in and out, and its scales were as black as night. “You’ll be seeing him around. If you want to leave tonight, then just tell him. He’ll get you out of Konoha safely and securely.” 

Realization struck like lightning. A snake summons. Those huge snakes in the Forest of Death, that giant snake that almost killed them. It was the same snake. Small, medium, giant. This woman had sent those snakes. 

“Aren’t they cute? Don’t be fooled by their appearance. They’re complete sweethearts.” She ran one finger along the top of the snake’s head, making it writhe happily. “You know that you can’t defeat Itachi as you are now. You’ll have to defeat Shisui too, you know. You’re even further from matching Shisui. As you are now…it’s impossible.” She raised an eyebrow at him - soft and expectant. “If you’re serious about taking revenge on Konoha. If you truly care about creating a fair and just world. If you want to carve out the rot in the world with your blade of justice. Then I don’t think you can afford to turn down our offer. Do you?”

The woman looked at Tobi one final time, long and slow, before sighing. She extended her arm, letting the snake slither out of her sleeve and disappear into the bed. 

“I believe in you, Sasuke-kun,” the woman said. “You’re a responsible boy.”

Sasuke couldn't move. He couldn’t move when the woman left, and he couldn’t move five minutes after she left. He couldn’t regain usage of any of his limbs until the ten minute mark, and it took another five minutes to completely align his body back into shape.

Sauke didn’t report the woman. They would ask him why she wanted to speak to him, and Sasuke couldn’t say. 

Was that his choice? Had he already made his decision? If he wasn’t interested - if the idea was truly anathema to him - wouldn’t he have reported her immediately?

Sasuke fixed Tobi’s sheets and left the hospital.

He wandered the streets of Konoha in a daze. Everything was hyper-real, and everything was fake. Colors were bright and blurry. Sounds echoed, rising and falling. Gossiping, yelling, laughing. Tomatoes for sale. Can you believe she said that? Mommy, look! Mommy, you aren’t looking.

That little girl didn’t seem real at all. Six, maybe seven. She ducked between stalls and carts, pigtails flying in the wind, as her mother cursed and chased after her. Mommy! Those words were the ultimate illusion. 

Sasuke turned his Sharingan on, bathing the world in red. Everybody slowed, but nothing changed. The little girl’s back was to him. She ran further and further away. Her mother could only chase her. Stop it! Get back here!

Sasuke didn’t have a mom. A simple and stupid thought. Mom was dead - that was Sasuke’s one and only ultimate reality. If that was true, then hadn’t Mom been the illusion in the first place? They were all dead. Hadn’t that been the bedrock of Sasuke’s world?

Shisui. Sasuke had to kill Shisui too. Shisui was dead: a bedrock of Sasuke’s world. Shisui worked with Itachi who had to die: the only truth of Sasuke’s world.

This woman worked with Itachi, who had to die. This woman, who could give him power. Did that mean he didn’t have to kill Shisui? His favorite cousin, his brother’s best friend?

Tobi had loved Shisui. He had trusted him. If Sasuke was dead, if Shisui had survived - he would have done a way better job taking care of Tobi than Sasuke. Sasuke had always thought so. When he was eight and helpless and wanted a real adult. Shisui’s not coming over to play. Shisui’s dead, remember?

Kill who he needed to kill. Avenge who he needed to avenge. Fix what he needed to fix. Make everything okay again. Make everybody safe. 

Because there were people to keep safe, it was impossible. Sasuke’s precious people were dragging him down. If he was doing it for them…it was alright, wasn’t it?

At some point, Sasuke had sat down on a bench near the back gate. His feet had taken him far away. He just sat there, elbows on his knees and staring at the dusky ground. Night was encroaching in increments, and his time was catching up.

He’d already decided. It hadn’t been a decision at all. Sasuke didn’t care if that woman was probably from Sound. She was suspicious and vague and there had to be a catch to this, but Sasuke didn’t care. If there was a chance, if there was a slim hope of ever catching up to Itachi - 

Then it was more hope than he’d had a month ago. Sasuke had lost hope, and he’d barely even noticed. He said he was prioritizing. As if messing around with Team 7 was more important than his vengeance. 

Stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid. It all felt so stupid now. Itachi had come after them anyway. That feeling of safety and security, willfully blind to the constant danger they lived in - he had forgotten. Stupid. Itachi could have come after them at any moment. 

Medical textbooks. Awake, long into the night. Sasuke put his futon next to Tobi’s and stayed awake all night because he thought Itachi was going to come back and finish the job. Itachi was going to come back and Sasuke was going to watch Tobi die like he watched Mother and Father die. And there would be nothing he could do about it. He had been eight. Powerless. 

To never feel like that again…that was Sasuke’s mission. Knowing that your family was safe, because you could protect them from the things that wanted to hurt them. There was always something ready to hurt them. Just out of reach, lingering in the dark. 

Power. Power was protection from that feeling - the feeling he could not bear. 

This was vengeance, right? This was a pursuit of…

“Naruto!”

Sasuke looked up. Naruto was running full speed towards him like a flying kunai, and the lagging Sakura calling his name did nothing to deter him. Sasuke instinctively dropped down and hit the ground, letting Naruto tackle empty air and bang his head on the wooden walls. 

Naruto bounced off like he was rubber, landing on the ground next to Sasuke. Sasuke straightened and began trying to kick him as he scrambled to his feet. 

Sakura finally landed in front of them, panting heavily as she bent over and propped her hands on her knees. “Why did we have to sprint,” Sakura wheezed, “all the way here -”

“Because Sasuke-teme’s gonna do something stupid!” Naruto hollered. At the top of his lungs. Sasuke and Sakura frantically began shushing him. “I know that face of yours, Sasuke!”

“You don’t know anything!” Sasuke sat back down on the bench, turning pointedly away from Naruto. The boy was making his ears bleed more than usual. “And what did you know about my face if you were across the village, moron.”

“The people at the hospital said that you’ve been gone since lunch! You didn’t leave the hospital for two days, and now you’re gone for six hours?” Six hours. It had been six hours? “So you gotta be doing something stupid. Am I right or what?”

“I was taking a walk.” Naruto and Sakura made disturbingly identical ‘a six hour walk?’ faces, but he ignored them. “Go away, I want to be alone.”

Promptly, Naruto said, “You always wanna be alone. But I don’t care about that!”

Sakura pre-empted Sasuke blasting a katon at Naruto’s head. “What Naruto means is that he got worried about you. We both are.” Sakura was always saying that: what Naruto meant, what Sasuke meant, what Tobi-sensei meant. Then she’d say something that they hadn’t said at all, but probably should have said. “You almost died in that fight against the One Tail. Just to wake up to that horrible news, to Sensei…it’s okay if you’re having a hard time, Sasuke. Anybody would.”

“I’m not anybody,” Sasuke snapped. Sakura didn’t look upset or hurt when he snapped at her anymore. Somewhere along the way she had started yelling back at him. Tobi said that he was so happy that all three of his students liked yelling at each other now. He was always joking when you thought he was being sincere, and sincere when you thought he was joking. “I’m fine. Go do something useful and check in on Sensei. Just leave me alone.”

Sakura crossed her arms. There was that unimpressed face again. It was impossible to make that girl happy. “And what useful thing are you doing?”

“I’m going.”

The words surprised them all, even Sasuke. Especially Sasuke. He should have lied. Showing any inch of weakness to these two was practically giving them a mile. Brace yourself for the oncoming nagging. But nothing was going to change his mind. 

Naruto’s eyes bugged out of his head. Sakura didn’t look happy either, but she didn’t look surprised at all. Sasuke knew that she had already guessed. 

“You’re going after Itachi,” Sakura said. Sasuke didn’t look at her. “That’s the stupidest thing I’ve heard in the last twenty minutes.” Life with Naruto was depressing. “Three jounin and six chuunin tried to stop Itachi and Shisui Uchiha from leaving the village. Most of them lasted minutes. Shisui Uchiha dropped them as soon as he looked at them. You think that a fresh genin is going to stand a chance just because you’re mad at them?”

Sasuke squeezed his hands together. “I’ve found a way.”

For the first time, Naruto sobered. His expression was heavy, and Sasuke found himself refusing to meet his eyes. “That way is really stupid, isn’t it?”

“You don’t know that.”

“If it wasn’t stupid,” Naruto said, “then you’d just say it. But you know it’s stupid and sketchy. I bet it’s something super stupid. Like, you’re gonna find ultimate power underneath a rock or something, and it’ll make you badass enough to fight Itachi.” Sasuke shifted. “Seriously, Sasuke?! That’s so sketchy!”

“And what do you want me to do, Naruto?” Sasuke stood up, and he realized too late that his breath was coming a little heavier. Something had wound him up too tight, and he felt full to bursting. “Sit around and wait until Itachi and Shisui come back? Let them walk all over us? I’m never going to avenge my clan like this! Real training, real strength, is more important than all of our stupid D-ranks!”

Sakura stepped forward. She was growing upset too. “And what kind of training can’t you get in Konoha? Don’t act like we’re holding you back!”

“You are holding me back!” Sasuke’s breath was heaving too deeply. Naruto and Sakura - his words were hurting them far too much. But what did he care? Why was that important? “Everybody’s been holding me back from the start! Jumping through Konoha’s stupid hoops, heading the Uchiha, having to be the man of the house all the time, leading this team -”

“Um,” Sakura said, “I lead this team.”

“It’s definitely me, dattebayo.”

“We aren’t getting into this freaking argument again, Naruto -”

“Shut up! I need to go where there’s real power. That’s responsibility, that’s taking care of us. Konoha’s the problem. Cross-team D-ranks are the problem.”

“Are we the problem?” Naruto asked.

Before Sasuke could think better of it, he said, “No. Of course not.”

“Is Tobi-sensei the problem?”

“No! It’s not his - he’s the one I need to do this for. He’s already in the hospital because he was trying to protect me. If I don’t protect my family, then nobody will!”

They could only guess that Itachi and Shisui were trying to kidnap Sasuke. Nobody knew why - why now, why so publicly. Tobi was the one who stood between them and Sasuke. And because of it…

A little uncertainly, Sakura said, “Sasuke, the outside wall of that hospital room is gone. Sensei smashed through it with a tree. I’m not sure he needs…”

“You can’t change my mind.” Naruto indignantly opened his mouth, but Sasuke just shook his head. “I’m done playing around. I’m going to become strong, and then I’m gonna kill the last two Uchihas.” Sasuke squeezed his fist. “Nobody’s going to get in the way of my strength. If I have to go elsewhere for power, then that’s what I’ll do. If you try to stop me, then I’ll stop you!”

Sakura and Naruto looked at each other.

They didn’t even think about it. It was the exchange of an instant. Sasuke didn’t understand why. He couldn’t even understand how – how they could possibly understand. After all this time, Sasuke still didn’t understand Naruto at all. 

Then Naruto and Sakura nodded at each other, light and firm. Sakura smiled, and Naruto grinned.

“Give me ten. No, twenty.” Sakura began ticking off points on her fingers - as if she was planning out how their teams would divide up work for the latest stupid teamwork-building mission, or as if she was listing off all the paperwork that Tobi had to submit. He plugged his ears and pretended he couldn’t hear her. “My go-bag’s all stocked, but I better pack up my weapon stores too. And seal up my books! And write goodbye notes to my parents and Ino. And check Naruto’s bag and make sure it’s packed right.”

Automatically, Sasuke said, “I already did that. What.”

“Are you stupid? We’re coming with you!” Naruto grinned, jabbing a thumb at his chest. Everything he did was so loud and large. He was always trying to catch your attention. “Face it, Sasuke! You’re never getting rid of me!”

“I already knew that. What.”

“What kind of guy lets his teammate take a super-dangerous mission by himself? I’m not some kind of crappy ninja like that, you know! How am I supposed to watch you run off crying like this?”

“I’m not crying!” 

“You are,” Naruto said. “I can tell. In your heart, you’re crying. So why would I let you cry by yourself? Best friends don’t do that!”

“You’d be abandoning your village,” Sasuke said incredulously. Sakura had to know that, even if Naruto didn’t. “You get how that’s a crime, right? You’d be failures as shinobi!”

But Sakura just glared at him, propping her hands on her hips. “Why do you never pay attention to anything, Sasuke? Listen to Sensei! So what if abandoning our village would make us failures? I’d be a bigger failure if I let you run off and get impaled by psychos! And don’t ask me why, because you know perfectly well that those who break the rules are trash - ”

Naruto broke in, grinning and light. “But those who abandon their teammates -”

“Are worse than trash,” Sasuke said.

He had to. What else was there to say? The bedrock of Sasuke’s world: its one and only truth. Truer than death, stronger than life. When the dead came back to life, and when the weak were stronger than you could have ever imagined - that would always be true.

“Yosh! What youthful bonds of friendship and teamwork!”

“More like youthful attempts to commit treason.”

“I think it’s quite heart-warming, Neiji-kun! Perhaps you and I could -”

“And yell about it?”

“I don’t know,” Tenten said, “I think he’s onto something this time.”

Shit.

Team 7 slowly turned around. 

Team 3 had gotten the jump on them again. They were way less smug about it than usual, but Sasuke definitely recognized the specific assortment of ‘Team 7’s being insane and making it our problem again’. Blatantly unfair. Sasuke didn’t remember this being their problem.

Sakura jumped in the air. Naruto began whistling. Sasuke tsk’d and looked away, hoping that he was playing it cool. “Gai-sensei!” Sakura cried, voice creaking a little. She was the best in their group at undercover work, but only because Naruto sucked. And Sasuke - uh, he hadn’t practiced it enough yet.  “What are you guys doing here? At the outskirts of town?”

“We’re going on vacation!” Naruto announced. Deeply unhelpfully. “Uh. A surprise one!”

“Unauthorized surprise vacation,” Sasuke said grimly. “To the beach.”

Rock Lee turned to Neiji again. He was still wrapped in bandages, and Sasuke was pretty sure that he shouldn’t be up and walking around. Rock Lee didn’t tend to pay attention to what he should be doing, what other people wanted him to do, what was the socially acceptable thing to do, etc. “The beach! Neiji, perhaps we could -”

“Hinata-sama came and got us,” Neiji said crisply, ignoring Rock Lee completely. It literally never deterred him. “Something about Naruto and Sasuke yelling at the top of their lungs about committing treason. Why she couldn’t try and talk some sense into you, I have no idea.”

Sakura muttered something about stalkers, which was pretty rich of her. 

Naruto looked a little crushed. “I thought she really heard me last time. She’s the only one so afraid of the fox that they can barely talk to me…”

“It’s not the fox,” Sakura said. 

“Then what is it?”

That girl again! What did Naruto need another best friend for?! “Who cares about Hinata!”

Neiji glared at him. Sasuke tsk’d in apology.

“Sasuke-kun, it is time to learn the most important lesson of your young life so far! In lieu of your own indisposed sensei, I shall provide this message.” Gai stepped forward, crossing his arms. He even seemed a little serious. Gai was almost never serious…maybe there was some treason going on… “Should you train for the next five - nay, ten years! Will you ever be able to match the quality and quantity of young Naruto’s shadow clones?”

Sasuke scowled. They’d already had the very valuable lesson about how Sasuke wasn’t quite the ultimate best at absolutely everything, and how that was technically acceptable. “No.”

“And could you use Sakura’s chakra muscle circulation technique as flawlessly as she can?”

“I could if I tried hard enough -”

“And would that time not be better spent in pursuit of training your own strengths? Should you neglect training your own Sharingan, or your own admirable academic studies as a medic, only to reach a basic proficiency in what others could master? No! Most importantly! Would you want Sakura and Naruto to spend their limited available training hours on learning how to heal, when your hard work could be put to use saving their own lives?”

If anybody could do what Sasuke did, then what was the point of Sasuke?

“You are well acquainted with the limited hours in each ninja’s day. With the many responsibilities that any young person must take on! Do you take on those responsibilities because you are truly the only one who can? Or do you shoulder the burden so others don’t have to?” Gai nodded seriously. Despite the severity of his words, his eyes sparked with a ferocious gleam. “Young Sasuke. When you relieve others of their burdens, their shoulders are freed to take on your own. When three individuals play to their own strengths, an invincible team emerges. Do you truly believe that any number of solitary victories could ever outweigh the scope of success you may accomplish in a team?”

No. People were a burden. Ramen broth staining a ten year old student’s carefully penned schedule. The practical impossibility of a solitary avenger. I guess I shouldn’t always be a burden.

Sasuke hadn’t known how to say it. He still didn’t. Tobi had never been a burden. 

If Sasuke hadn’t cooked food for him, Sasuke wouldn’t have eaten at all. If Sasuke hadn’t gotten him out of bed, Sasuke would have never gotten out of bed himself. If Sasuke didn’t force him to get to bed on time, then Sasuke would have stacked late nights of training on top of each other like a sliding tower of coins. There would be no playing. No ramen. No friends. He’d do nothing but train, and he’d live for nothing but the mission, and he could be just like Itachi. 

The failure, Itachi Uchiha. The loser who was too stupid to realize the real mission. The ninja without a ninja way. The cause of all his own weaknesses. A deceptive illusion of strength. 

Naruto, smiling as the world called him a monster. Tobi, who lost his family three times over and had fun every day. Sakura, giggling over boys and screaming at bugs and casually lobbing a two ton boulder across a training field. 

The only burden was Itachi. Only that past held him back. 

Sakura raised her hand. Why did she always feel the need to do that. “Gai-sensei, are you encouraging the treason thing…?”

Neiji scowled. Naruto and Sakura frequently told Sasuke that Sasuke’s scowl was way better than stupid Neiji’s. Sasuke didn’t know why they thought he felt insecure about this. “Don’t be ridiculous. We’ll hunt down Itachi and Shisui Uchiha in an authorized manner. I bet the Jounin Commander is putting together a task force already. They won’t leave Sensei off the roster.”

“Sensei’s beat Itachi Uchiha in many fights!” Rock Lee enthused to Team 7. Gai nodded, self-satisfied. “Taijutsu is a particular weakness of his! Ergo, Sakura-chan and I should be the perfect counterpoints!”

Tenten lightly elbowed Rock Lee. “The elite jounin are the perfect counterpoints. We’re all just genin. But I think we can find a way to lend a hand. Didn’t the Team 3 and Team 7 team-up crush the competition in the Forest of Death?”

They had. It had been a massacre. Team 8 and Team 10 had to team up just to survive. And their teamwork was alright, but their few double missions were nothing in comparison to the Team 3 and Team 7 grit. They were stuck with each other all the time.

Sasuke privately believed that Team 7 had carried that match-up. Tobi used to throw them into the Forest of Death for a few days and let them fight their way out. They were veterans. Neiji had been kind of helpful with the giant snake, though. 

“The strength of our combined teams cannot be understated! We have fueled each other with strength unimaginable!” Rock Lee pulled Cool Student Pose No. 9. Naruto enthusiastically mirrored him. Sakura hit him on the head. They couldn’t afford to let that habit stick. “I have provided Sasuke-kun with many hours of healing practice, and Sasuke-kun has saved me many hours of recuperation! Naruto-kun’s clones are the perfect target practice for Tenten, and Naruto has almost learned how to dodge attacks! Of course, Sakura-chan and I are siblings in the refined art of taijutsu!”

Sakura giggled, flipping her hair. “It is pretty refined and ladylike, isn’t it?” She paused a beat. “Gai-sensei increased my weights another fifty pounds, by the way.” 

“Yosh! One day I shall catch up to you, Sakura-chan! You’re an inspiration!” 

“None of you people have ever been a good use of my time,” Neiji felt the need to establish. 

Sasuke crossed his arms. “Tobi-sensei fixed your relationship with Hinata.”

“What does that have to do with this.”

“Tobi-sensei got emotional when she hugged you after your tournament match.”

“That’s not relevant.”

Rock Lee pumped a fist in the air. “Emotional strength is just as important as physical strength, Neiji-kun!”

 Gai softened a little bit. It was strange to see - his fire just as strong as ever, but a different kind of warm. “Tobi has been a source of strength since we were children. As a rival and as a friend.” Neiji and Tenten grimaced. They still thought Tobi’s presence in their lives was a dark curse, but they believed that about most of their lives. “Tobi reminds me to always look underneath the underneath. Even if it means we must investigate the deepest crevasses of our own souls - a light shines in our darkness. Underneath the winters of our hearts, a ninja will always find their own springtime!” Gai grinned, giving him a very youthful thumbs-up. “Your light shines on, Sasuke-kun! Never withhold it from a world that needs it!”

“You are so embarrassing,” Neiji said.

Tenten moaned into her hands. “Sensei, why are you so cringey…”

Even Rock Lee looked disappointed. “That was a little sentimental, Sensei.”

“That was super lame, Gai-sensei,” Sakura said, wiping her eyes. Naruto was sniffling. “I guess - um, I guess we don’t have to desert our village and commit treason to kill an S ranked mission nin. If you’re going to be lame about it. Right, Sasuke?”

Sasuke sighed, sticking his hands in his pocket. “I’m too tired to cook.” Naruto perked up. Ugh. “Because it’s an emergency, Naruto can take the money from the takeout fund box and buy Ichiraku’s. Sakura, can you grab Sensei’s pack and bring it to the hospital room? I’m gonna go straight there.” He probably shouldn’t - he really shouldn’t - but Sasuke couldn’t think of a good reason why not. “How many people are we buying for, Gai-sensei?”

Instantly, Tenten said, “Six. Because somebody is marching his ass right back to the hospital -”

“Tenten-chan, I was honorably discharged -”

“And make sure that he didn’t refracture his tibia getting into that fight with Neiji an hour ago!” Tenten turned to Sasuke as Neiji made a very bad attempt at looking innocent. “Will you do that immersive healing thing you invented on him again? Gai-sensei says it’s doing a really good job healing the microfractures.”

Sasuke sighed. “I’m going to be your personal doctor in five years, aren’t I.”

At that moment, Sasuke was only thinking about how desperately Rock Lee was going to need the help. He didn’t realize it until he’d already said it - until everybody else had already broken into chatter, and Naruto had already started yelling about everybody’s ramen orders. 

In five years, Rock Lee was going to need an expert doctor to fix the shit he was doing to his body. And Sasuke would have to be here. Five years from now - ten, fifteen. His friends would need him. Just as much as they needed him now. 

Sasuke’s hand lashed out, and he grabbed the sleeve of Naruto’s jumpsuit. Naruto stumbled over his feet, finally shutting up about ramen just as everybody else began to move away. Hopefully they were too focused on new inanities to listen. 

As quietly as he could, Sasuke said, “When Tobi wakes up. You have something to tell him, right?”

Naruto turned gigantic and betrayed eyes on him. “I’ll buy him new chips! They were just gonna expire while he was in a coma -”

“Tobi’s baby brother. You have something to say about that.” Sasuke halted hard, working his jaw. “He needs some half-decent family coming back to life.”

Naruto blinked at him. Then he beamed, so bright and white in the darkening light. Sasuke could never hope to match that smile. “Does that finally make us secret cousins?”

“No.”

“But being best friends and secret cousins is way cooler than just being best friends!”

“I’m happy with just best friends,” Sasuke conceded. 

Naruto was so stupid. All he got was one little concession, and he still grinned the whole way back home.

And if Sasuke heard the hiss of a black snake within the far bushes - he was a little bit too busy looking at that brilliant smile, and he didn’t look backwards at all. 

*

“Wasn’t that just too precious?!”

Kakashi deactivated the Sharingan, blinking twice. Rin’s Rinnegan was still activated - still enraptured by the scene as she merrily kicked her legs. Kakashi was standing on the branch next to her, one hand against the tree, somewhat like a normal person. 

“I get the appeal now, Hound! I really do! They’re just too sweet! Don’t you love how earnest children are?”

Children and Gai, apparently. “We still don’t have the time.” Rin really liked to keep herself busy. Kakashi was still surprised that she joined this mission herself. Kakashi didn’t think he was that bad at recruitment missions. “It’s not too late to get Sasuke.”

Frankly, Kakashi thought they could have nabbed him if they had worked a little harder at it. He knew Sasuke fairly well at this point, and he was still shocked that it took about five minutes of a beautiful woman encouraging murder to get him halfway out the treasonous door. If Rin had managed the last few hours differently, he’d already be in Ame. If she had wanted, he’d already be in Ame. But Rin had been content to sit on a tree branch and watch this one play out. 

Rin hummed as the circles in her eye pulsed. They were a little hypnotizing, but that was why Kakashi tried not to look at it for too long. Yahiko had once ‘joked around’ and ‘encouraged’ Kakashi to stare into his activated eye without blinking. The vertigo had been tremendous. Konan encouraged him to throw up on Yahiko’s shoes. “Oh, that’s alright. I’m almost more interested to see where he goes from here.”

“Sasuke Uchiha is a lot like me, isn’t he?” Rin sighed happily. As the medic of Team 7, Sasuke had fielded those accusations. But he didn’t really seem to mind. “Just you wait, Hound. He’s smart enough. He’s already seen into the Konoha rot. He knows how evil the world is. All that’s left is doing something about it. We’ll give him the weapons to tear down the world. Isn’t that just like being senseis!”

Down below, Naruto and Sasuke had begun tussling again. Sakura was still exchanging weights with Rock Lee and renewing her desperate plea to give him a better haircut. “I would rather kill myself.”

“That’s not a very funny joke!”

“Wasn’t a joke.”

Dealing with those children would be way too much work. Kakashi could only imagine the migraines, stress, and heroic self-sacrifices. Not worth the effort. Not much was.

Even so, and strangely enough. Sometimes Kakashi looked at that team and felt like it wouldn’t be so bad. That it wouldn’t be bad at all. 

“You were able to plant everything?”

Fantastic. A distraction from the foreign and unsettling beast. “Yup. Seals all in place. Making them look like the Flying Thunder God’s seal was a good touch.”

Rin beamed. “I wanted to honor Sensei! He was always leaving those seals around everywhere. And aren’t they just too nostalgic to completely erase?”

Playing on Konoha’s collective grief for the Fourth Hokage to plant bombs all over Konoha. Classic Rin. Kakashi had stolen some files too, but those would be chalked up to Itachi and Shisui. They would believe that the attempt to kidnap Sasuke was a distraction from the real mission of stealing the files. It was, but that wasn’t the point. 

“I won’t let anybody give one to Tobi.” It likely wouldn’t be a problem, but sentimentality was a rot within everybody. “Shisui and Itachi are waiting for us at the rendezvous point. They want to know if you’re satisfied.”

Rin blinked, letting the Rinnegan pulse strangely, before blinking and covering it up again. “I’m quite satisfied. Wasn’t it awesome when Tobi hit them with that tree? He just remembered he could use Mokuton, and look what he’s doing with it! Tobi looked so cool. Shisui did a good job keeping his hands off him. He says that the prison genjutsu’s very innocuous. He’ll wake up in a few days just fine.”

“Shisui seems to be enjoying his new friend.”

Enjoying was a strong word for it. He’d certainly adapted to it. Kakashi had to use the Mangekyo and help him train the Gobi for months before he could access its chakra at will. Rin had her hands full stopping him from going crazy. His seal was weak - a little purposefully, a little because they didn’t really have any decent sealing masters on hand.  If Sensei was still around…ah, well.

Rin sighed. “I told him he would. After all that drama about this mission, too.” Kakashi tilted his head. “It’s not my fault. He’s so adorable when he’s begging for something.”

He had been begging for Tobi and Sasuke’s lives. That was what he’d been begging for. Rin had lied to him about the mission (“I want to see what he’ll do!”) and let him believe until the last minute that they were actually there to kidnap Sasuke and Tobi. Rin didn’t know why he’d heard kidnapping and started going on about murder, but maybe Shisui thought this place was a hellpit or something that strangled the soul out of its victims. Who knows. 

Rin had wanted to see if Shisui would obey the order or not. He’d been kind of maniacal about it, but he had been ready to do it. Itachi had either told Shisui that they had to, or that under no circumstances should they ever do it. It didn’t matter. Rin was very nice and told Shisui that she had decided to go with his wishes and leave Sasuke and Tobi in the village. Shisui was very grateful. Maybe he knew - but what did that matter?

Rin kept lightly chattering away beside him, even as Kakashi checked out a little. She really hadn’t thought that shoving chakra rods into the Kazekage’s skull and having Yahiko puppet it around would work so well! Konoha and Suna still hadn’t realized that the Third hadn’t taken the Kazekage down with him, and that the Kazekage had been dead for months. Everybody thought that the Kazekage and a few other (genjutsu’d) elders had secretly colluded with Sound to launch the attack. It was taking all of the heat for the failed invasion. The relationship between those two historical allies was extremely ruined. Rin was thrilled. So long as she was happy. 

Suna was about to enter a desperate economic position, and Ame was about to become its savior. Less ostentatious than a Kiri alliance. The alliances were stacking up, but Kakashi didn’t know the details and he didn’t really care to. That was Yahiko’s job. Last time he checked, Yahiko had just signed a treaty with Waterfall. He said it was time to step it up. So don’t you think it’s time to step up the jinchuuriki hunting, Hound? I have a big plan for overhauling the Akatsuki. It’s going to be great. Pity Sasuke wasn’t able to join. Oh, but I would have hated to break apart that cute team. 

“I’m going to check in on Tobi.”

Rin looked up at him. “You’d just be watching him sleep.”

Yes, and Kakashi tried not to do that. It was not a good use of his time. It might be a little weird as well, but he wasn’t sure. Definitely weirder than the normal stalking. “This was the first time you’ve seen him in years. How was it?”

Rin smiled, small and unrooted, and for a flash of a second she looked like the girl Kakashi used to know. “You didn’t say he grew up to be so handsome.”

“It was implied,” Kakashi said lightly. “He thinks the scars make him ugly.”

“How could he think that? The scars make him our teammate. If it matters to him, I wish I could offer to heal them…” Maybe give him an eye back. Rin had been aching to give him a spare Sharingan. Even just a normal eye, if he wanted. Anything he wanted. “The genjutsu makes him look so peaceful. He was beautiful like that. I really think he deserves better than all of this violence.”

You look beautiful like that. Didn’t Kakashi say that to her once? Those days were cloudy and smeared. He could check with his eye, but he avoided doing things like that. The eye held Obito’s own memories as well. Kakashi tried to avoid those too. He wasn’t very successful. 

Your teammates love you, Obito. Forever and ever. Kakashi and Rin and Sensei love you very much. Rin’s long and pale legs. Kakashi and Tobi remembered that moment in its dual perfect clarity. Kakashi hoped that he revisited it. It’s like a home video. When you couldn’t speak, memories of better days could always do the talking.

Lightly, Kakashi said, “At this rate, Tobi’s going to have exactly what he deserves very soon.”

Rin brightened, and she smiled broadly at him. It was always an odd counterpoint to those heavy eyes. “At this rate, our victory is guaranteed! Let’s keep fighting for world peace!”

Kakashi lightly pumped a fist. “Go! Our friendship making campaign!”

“That’s the spirit, Kakashi!”

Of course, the goal was to have every village under Yahiko’s ultimate command. Who else could they trust to end conflict? Only the greatest pacifist in the world deserved to become the Emperor of the continent. 

Every village but Konoha. Whose demise will be slow and painful. It was going to destroy itself, and the greed of the powerful would self-cannibalize. It was going to stab a kunai through its own eye, and Rin was going to be very, very correct. And a very good pacifist, because she hadn’t done a single thing. 

It did it to itself. 

Far below, Sensei’s son was loudly recounting his coolest tales of victory to the supportive audience of Gai’s student. Kakashi could practically see him glowing. For the first time, Naruto felt as if Team 7 had real friends. People who agreed to fight your enemies had to be the very best friends of all. Maybe they were all best friends. And his very best friend had just admitted that they were best friends. Naruto must feel like an entirely different person. Or maybe just that the definition of Naruto Uzumaki had expanded into the strangest and happiest places.  

The plan was going smoothly. Excitingly, too. But Kakashi couldn’t shake this strange feeling. It was sideways and foreign, but it was lodged deep in the crevices of his own mind. His own involuntary convictions. Maybe just the winter of his heart.

Something very surprising was going to happen. 

Eh. Not his problem.

Probably.

[highonawindyhill]

[zteph-deactivated20200818]

this wins over other pro-gay commercials because you had no idea he was gay and then you can’t tell which one is his husband

they are showing them as people

not as gays and straights

[fejes-deactivated20180123]

fuckin love this commercial

[vikingserket]

can we just talk abotu the fact that the husbands arent even bringing the drinks over theyre just standing there next to the drinks and chatting

fuckin useless husbands

[burairium-deactivated20130819]

they are showing anyone can be useless. Even gay people

they are saying that it doesn’t matter if you are gay or straight. You can still be a useless person

[cyrilthewolf]

this post got better

[natnormalatall]

roald dahl was antisemitic and misogynistic. george orwell was openly homophobic. edgar allan poe married his 13 year old cousin. dr seuss cheated on his wife (and was racist as well as antisemitic!). hp lovecraft was racist as fuck. anyways they’re fucking dead it’s not like you’re enabling their behaviors in the afterlife or something. then again I think they bleed into the books so uh keep an eye out for that

the difference between these old white guys and jk rowling is that the former group is all dead. jk rowling is alive and using your money to oppress trans people

[partywithponies]

Strange racists and homophobes on the internet seem to have access to an alternate way cooler version of TV than me. "every white character on TV is in an interracial relationship" "every show has a gay couple in it" "main characters keep having to secretly be bisexual and nonbinary" "every show has gratuitous full frontal nudity" like damn promise?? What channel???

[briannyssey]

dude star wars is so good and/or bad and/or mediocre sometimes, depending

[zenaidasden]

Ohh so that's why they called that one show Andor

[capriciousarsonist]

ah, the two genders, Girl and Orb

[sailorfailures]

[spacefinch]

[pokemonheritageposts]

Pokemon Heritage Post