does kuro really think i can hold off the little sanity left in me to save enough astrite for upcoming characters? (yes i will skip both jinhsi and changli T_T)
barely clutching to my 3.3k astrites and 40 character banner pity. help me. 😀😀😀😀
i'm currently trying to build him in 5-pc Moonlit Clouds. i'm just a bit in a pickle bcuz my Fusion Inferno Rider gives him like 28% Crit Rate T_T. I can't find any replacement of 4-Cost Moonlit Clouds with Crit Rate Mains. on that note, I'll just focus building up his Forte lmao.
A/N: Had an idea while I was sick and I ran with it.
Warnings: Jiyan x fem! reader, angst with no happy ending, not really proofread I got tired
WC: 2444
--
Everyone around you always talked about timing when it came to love. “If you find the right person you will make it work no matter what!” “There is no such thing as the wrong time.” “If you really wanted to, you would have.” It was so easy for them to say. So easy for them to say, you think as your fist tightens into a ball and your knuckles turn white. The item in your fist protrudes into your skin and the irregular edges pinch at the thinner edge of your palms but the pain is nothing compared to the aching in your heart that shows no signs of dulling.
You unravel your fist and stare at the item again. It was a necklace Jiyan gifted to you on your first anniversary together. You remember how surprised you were staring at the J-shaped gold pendant decorated with tiny emerald pieces. The shock on your face as you tried to form sentences only to look like a dying fish had Jiyan chuckling loudly, a sound you so dearly loved to hear.
“Jiyan…I…what-“
“Do you like it?”
He softly asks as you hold the necklace box in your hands. He notes how your hands shake slightly, as if afraid of the weight that the gift holds. One of his slender hands holds onto your occupied hand and he gently squeezes them.
“I- of course I do! But-“
“As long as you like it, my love.”
You gulp as you pry your eyes away from the glimmering necklace and look into his golden ones.
“Jiyan this is too much…and it’s just our first anniversary you can’t-“
“Nothing is too much when it comes to you. Nothing.”
You sense the determination and sheer amount of love he has for you. His voice is firm and resolute as if he’s sure he wants you right now and forever. That there is no one except you in this lifetime and more.
Tears blur your vision and you clench your teeth so tightly that you can feel them aching into your gums. The necklace falls from your palm and hits the floor with a loud thud as you bring your hands to your face and sob heavily. It wasn’t supposed to end like this. You didn’t want it to end like this. What choice did you have?
Jiyan was the perfect man. He truly really was. A well-versed medic and general with a gentle personality who knew when and where to display his power. He was observant; no detail ever slipped his eye and he made sure everyone and everything was taken care of. That is exactly what made you fall in love with him so deeply. You swore this man had no flaw -he was so well-rounded that nothing about him was a problem to you. Sure, he was stubborn and cared more for his troops and others than himself, but don’t we all? Aren’t we all like that for the ones we love?
Yet when days turned into months, and months into years you realised that perhaps, just perhaps, the downside to meeting such a perfect man was that you were fated to never have him close to you. That when duty called and the lives of civilians were at stake you had to sacrifice your relationship so he could keep everyone safe. The sacrifice of your love was crucial so the army troops were not selfishly sacrificed.
The first few times it was fine. You didn’t mind having to part ways with him because it was part of the package -it was part of dating General Jiyan. You knew what you signed up for and you were ok with it. You were prepared to be lonely because you had been single before, so what was so hard about having a man but just not having him by your side? At least you had a companion, one so beyond your league you still wondered what you did to be blessed with him. You were his and he was yours.
But there is only so much burden a heart can hold. Some nights you couldn’t sleep when your aching heart haunted you instead of a good night’s rest. Some nights your anxiety ran wild as you thought of all possible worst-case scenarios of Jiyan getting hurt or worse…finding out he’s dead. Some nights you stayed awake wondering why you hadn’t received a reply from him when days and even weeks had passed. Other nights you stayed up sobbing into your arms, wondering when you would get to walk around with Jiyan in the city and have fun like all these other couples did. The bed was so cold and empty without him.
However you persisted. When those long nights passed and your tears dried, you washed your face, sucked it up and went to work. You had a duty to fulfill and the world didn’t care how painful it was to practically never see the man who owned your heart. You didn’t hold Jiyan accountable, you knew he didn’t do it on purpose. His long letters to you detailed how much he loved you and missed you and how sorry he was for missing the second anniversary or your new promotion or how he couldn’t make it back in time for the new years and other holidays where families celebrated together…you forgave and you forgave.
Until your third anniversary came around. He had told you he would be there for the day as work had lightened up. He told you he had a surprise for you and that he wanted you to dress your best and meet him at a specific spot. You remember how giddy you felt reading that letter, kicking your feet like a teenager in love and screeching with each word he wrote. Finally! Some quality time with my man!
If only you knew.
He didn’t show up on the promised night. You waited and waited but there was no sign of Jiyan. The sun rested and the moon rose yet the love of your life wasn’t here. You stood there awkwardly, dressed head to toe like a supermodel compared to the civillians as they eyed you while walking past. Some grandmothers even offered to take you home, wondering what a maiden like you was doing alone dressed like this in such a place. The embarrassment turned into tears that bubbled in your eyes and eventually, you stormed home out of humiliation and frustration. Enough was enough.
The doorbell rang at 11 pm that night. You had changed out of your attire and gotten ready for bed. With a heavy heart, you went to open the door only to find the man responsible for your heartache standing there. You remember the way your tear-stained face turned into one of fury as you stared at him, angry and infuriated.
“Leave.”
There were several million things you wanted to say but that’s all you manage to squeak out. Jiyan stands there with an exhausted face as he looks at you, his heart breaking as he hears the coldness in your voice. You try to shut the door on him but his muscular arm blocks you from doing so.
“My love please-“
“Do not even use that term on me right now, General Jiyan.”
His Adam's apple bobs as he harshly swallows. He knew he messed up big time but he wanted you to listen to his side of the story.
“Something came up. I swear I didn’t do it on purpose. I was going to come to the city but there was an emergency I had to resolve. Unfortunately it took much longer than I expected, for which I apologise.”
You scoff. You had spent this whole time crying and just when you had managed to calm down, of course he had to reignite the tears again. You angrily wipe your tears as you point your finger at him.
“Every single time you couldn’t come to see me, I forgave you. I forgave you for missing holidays, my new promotion, all important milestones in our relationship…I forgave and I forgave and I forgave!”
With each word you speak, your tone gets harsher and louder. Your finger trembles as you jab it into his chest continuously. You were fuming from how much he had neglected you all this time. Jiyan frowns in sadness as he watches you express your anger.
“The one time,” you say shakily, “the one time I had my hopes up for us, the one time I went all out as you requested me to do so… you just had to get me excited and happy only for you to shatter everything into pieces, didn’t you?!”
Hot tears roll down your eyes as you continue to yell at him. He tries to move away from the door and step inside your house but you prohibit him.
“Don’t even think about coming inside Jiyan.”
“Please, listen to me.”
“There is nothing left to listen to! Do you not understand?!”
Sobs wreck your body as you cry even harder. Your head hurts from all the tears you shed today and your eyes show no signs of stopping anytime soon. He extends his arm forward to comfort you but you swat it away.
“I don’t want anything to do with you anymore Jiyan. This…,” you point back and forth at the two of you, “is not working between us.” His eyes widen and waver at your words, unable to believe you would say such a thing.
“If…if you need more time, or a break away from me I totally understand but please,” his voice quietens as he continues, “please don’t leave me.” You can hear the pain in his words and it makes you cry harder but you shake your head.
“Don’t make this difficult for me. You can barely come back to the city to visit your mother let alone come visit me. You have spent most of your life on the battlefield and it’s the only place you ever will be. You don’t have time for me Jiyan, admit it. Admit it that you cannot give me the time and attention I need.”
Your voice breaks by the end of it. You never imagined there would be a day you would have to break up with this man. You truly thought you both would be together for eternity, that no matter what came your way, no matter what obstacles you faced, no matter how difficult things got for both of you, you always thought you both would be together through it all.
Yet that was never meant to be the case.
Jiyan forcefully swallows and stares at the ground for a moment, contemplating something as tears fill his eyes. Then with great sorrow, he looks up at you and awkwardly smiles. You cannot stop crying as you gaze into his eyes, hiccuping through your tears while trying to say something. You wanted to comfort him but that would make your decision harder.
“If…if you ever find yourself wishing for me again, my love…please know that my doors are always open for you.”
You wail like a widow upon hearing those words.
“I am sorry…I am sorry for doing this Jiyan…but this is for the best.”
Your throat burns from how aggressively you’ve cried so far. You shake your head, not wanting to deal with this anymore. The longer he stayed the more difficult he would make it for you to stay true to your words. You close your eyes and take a deep breath before giving your verdict.
“Leave Jiyan. Go. I hope you find your happiness elsewhere.”
His gaze lingers on you for a little longer as he takes in the last of you. You can see him trace your features mentally, etching every curve and crevice of you into his memory to last for a lifetime. Then with a heavy heart, he turns around and walks a few steps before stopping. He looks sideways, just enough for you to see his side profile but not enough for you to see the heartbreak that is visible on his face.
“I will never find happiness in anyone but you.”
Without turning back he walks away, leaving you in fresh tears as his grieving voice rings in your head. You watch him leave until he disappears from your line of sight. A gust of wind shuts your door close, closing off not just your encounter but also your relationship with him.
The flashbacks force you to open your puffy eyes and you slouch against the wall slowly as you slump to the floor. You can’t help but tug on the hairs on your scalp as everything hurts and burns. The necklace he gifted you lays by your feet and you stare at it for a while before hesitantly picking it up while crying. Anger surges through your body and you throw the necklace across the room, screaming in agony as you do so.
You want to hate him for making you feel like this, for taking your heart so lovingly and crushing into nothingness but the logical part of you knows it’s not his fault. You know he would never willingly hurt you and you know he didn’t want to make you feel like this. Yet sometimes as human beings our actions speak louder than words; no matter how many paragraphs of sickly sweet love letters someone writes, no matter how much someone says they will be there for you through thick and thin, their behaviour will speak volumes.
Simply put, he couldn’t love you the way you deserved to be loved and nothing could fix that, not even his letters and gifts to you. And even after two months of breaking up with him, you find it hard to find closure over your broken relationship. You stay there on the floor as you continue to cry your lungs out, letting yourself be a mess. In the distance, your phone screen lights up from an unknown number. You are too occupied in your grief to pay attention to the messages.
[sent 23:07] I…I know you’ve blocked me from reaching you so forgive me for finding another way
[sent 23:11] The battle was tough and I fear I don’t have much time left
[sent 23:13] But if I had to choose this life again
[sent 23:15] And I had to choose to love you again
tw: crack, mentions of death, spoilers if you squint
Mortefi was a new researcher in the Huaxu Academy, young and fresh in the age of 18. his intellegence and skills had made him easily rise in the high seats, making those who had worked for much longer become his admirers or jealous yappers.
there was one thing that was absolute. Mortefi has his own moody room. a small, tinted window cubicle that he can pour out his annoyance into. his overwhelming emotions that can be kept at bay on his own. the cubicle was soundproof— a bit small for liking, yet it fit right into the young researcher's newly furnished office.
you were in the Academy a few years before he came by. a young apprentice from the previous leader of the Tacetite Weaponry. now, with Mortefi in-charge, a few of your colleagues hurriedly left the team. being replaced with new ones that were trying to get past Mortefi's ways of thinking, just like you.
there was an unspoken rule behind Mortefi's back. your colleagues had forcibly sacrificed you as the main speaker to bridge the team to the young leader. saying that they either speak too politely for the young man to grasp what they try to portray, yet you knew they just couldn't bother to keep up with Mortefi's skills. his graceful, albeit blunt remarks that undeniably improved the Academy's growth—
“are you listening to me?”
“oh,” you blinked, “well.. er.. what was it again? I apologize.”
Mortefi sighs, gesturing to the digital screen filled with numerous numbers and weapon models. “I said that this is not even up to the standards of weaponry against Tacet Discords,” he closes the tab, “one use on these weapons, then it's gone. below average designs if I must say,”
you involuntarily let out a sigh of relief, that design was not yours. he wasn't disappointed with you (yet). the constricted way your body felt easing into relaxation.
“you seem glad,” Mortefi noted, fixing his glasses, “why is that?”
“nothing,” you quickly replied, clearing your throat, “should I inform the team to spur another set of designs?”
“you should,” Mortefi hums. his body flickering the familiar shades of crimson bolts. “children can come up with better ideas. why can't they?”
a beat of silence... then he shakes his head, a resigned sigh slipping past his lips.
“nevermind, I'll come to them myself.” the young man says, his body rapidly being surrounded in crimson red. the scales on his body spreading like wildfire on his skin.
“wait, Mortefi..” you involuntarily gulped, blocking the exit to his office, “you should go to the cubicle first.”
“I'm fine,” he insisted, the bolts undeniably becoming brighter. almost hurting your eyes, “I just need to talk with them,”
“you know they won't.” you said, wincing at your own remark, “...you knew this whole time.”
if possible, the bolts grew brighter. his annoyance easily slipping into his calm facade.
“Mortefi-”
knock knock!
“meeting with all the researchers today in five. see ya,” a man outside the door drawls, their footsteps fading quickly.
you turn back to Mortefi, feeling a slight panic in your chest as he became more.. annoyed. his breaths heavy and fists clenched on his sides.
while the meeting was crucial, it was also a display show for each top researches. the spotlight undeniably on the new recruit (aka Mortefi) who easily climbed the ranks. by his current state, you knew he would just get more agitated. despite the fact you knew Mortefi wouldn't outright lash out in front of everyone.
just to be cautious, you gestured your arms around his frame. not touching him, yet coaxing his body to move towards the cubicle.
“come on.. Mortefi,” you spoke softly, hushed— amidst the crackling sound of bolts and growls, “please..”
his body naturally followed, mind occupied elsewhere. the young researcher simply let you guide him. the familiarity of your presence made him walk towards the cubicle without much protest.
you send an encouraging smile his way, one foot stepping inside the cubicle. your arms still outstretched coaxing him.
that.. was your first mistake.
you hadn't known the cubicle wasn't just a mere room. how could it be plain when it was made for Mortefi, and the man also customized it himself to be sentient-like? a speaking machinery room, a robot.
as soon as the sensors of the cubicle detect his agitation. metal arms reached out, accidentally dragging your feet along with Mortefi's as it scraped against the floors with a squeak, pushing your legs as your body was jerked inside the room. the door immediately shutting close.
“what the-!”
you almost yelled, yet you saw how calm Mortefi's expression was despite the bolts still on his form. his dry reaction making you annoyed.
“get me out,” you huffed, crossing your arms. the room was more cramped with two people now. and Mortefi's bolts licking your skin didn't help, it wasn't painful— just adding more to the uncomfortable feeling of the moment.
“it won't,” he replies, leaning against the glass wall, “not until I calm down,”
you deadpan, “then calm down.”
....second.. mistake.
Mortefi's annoyance grew brighter, you almost had to shut your eyes close.
“hey, I'm as pissed as you right now!”
“then why order me?” he huffs, rolling his eyes, “you're not good at comforting people.”
you could almost felt a tick mark growing, “I'm older than you— speak with some respect, at least!”
Mortefi turns away, nails digging to his skin as he attempts to ignore you. trying to soothe his emotions and keep them at bay. your presence not helping his annoyed state.
“aren't you some smart, young man?” you said, still tying to find your way out, “just hack the device.”
he continues to ignore your presence. eyes shut. the flames rapidly changing from wild to tame. then, he couldn't calm down anymore. his flames growing as a colleague dialed him, taunting.
“hey newbie, still stuck in some emo phase aren't ya? being late by a few minutes, you really want the spotlight huh? teenagers these days... tsk tsk.”
that was it, that was the last straw.
your body instinctively scrambled back. the corner of your eyes seeing the scorch marks on the cubicle walls. a sign of history.
and maybe, somewhere along the line... you're bound to become part of Mortefi's past. his breathing becoming more ragged as the flames became blinding.
“M..Mortefi, wait-!”
boom!
the world soon became black. your vision seeing red before passing out.
it was the first time the durable cubicle broke. your body slumping on the floor with a thud.
whether or not you're dead... eh, that's for a much more calm Mortefi to handle.
"But we do. We are not that stupid." He sighs. "And if they are still adamant, then we take payment in advance and get the job done. It doesn't matter if both of them die."
((I caved in and bought the pioneer podcast for his weapon 😭 I have an S1/W1/N1/first waveband of Calcharo and I really wanted to do justice in building him when there are no crit f2p weapons.
Also the Tempest Memphis in my world can suck a d×£& because despite having good main stats, one of the sub stats always rolls into HP or Def 😭))
nah cuz fr HDJDHFH wouldve bought it too if i wasnt broke
i was building pity on the weapon banner for mortefi- then i just realized late you can just get a free 5(?) star weapon when you reach lvl 45. 😭 oh well-
also i bought those 2 boxes for 5** golden echoes in the illusive realm event..
(( the "free" 5* golden echoes that you get are usually really bad. :/ I notice that quite a bit because the pioneer podcast channel gives you quite a bit of them.))
((aaww yeah.. those 2 gold echoes are the reason i don't have any more extras 💀. the only echoes i have now are those that are equipped. atp im going to use those same echoes to build other ones LMAO.))
((I caved in and bought the pioneer podcast for his weapon 😭 I have an S1/W1/N1/first waveband of Calcharo and I really wanted to do justice in building him when there are no crit f2p weapons.
Also the Tempest Memphis in my world can suck a d×£& because despite having good main stats, one of the sub stats always rolls into HP or Def 😭))
nah cuz fr HDJDHFH wouldve bought it too if i wasnt broke
i was building pity on the weapon banner for mortefi- then i just realized late you can just get a free 5(?) star weapon when you reach lvl 45. 😭 oh well-
also i bought those 2 boxes for 5** golden echoes in the illusive realm event..