ok im so glad im not the only one going insane over this. have my absolute bonkers analysis of the timeline as a treat.
ok, to begin: we don’t know how long the Chilli Wars lasted or when they occurred, but it’s possible to work it out. if we assume that Goondis, Mike Soup and Joblet are around the same age— a nice round 50, since they’re all war vets and one of them has a child (also Ernie said that he almost bought a timeshare in the O-Nion before the war and you have to be at least 18 to do that). if we subtract 50 from 1989, when the Hotdaga begins (scroll down to figure out how i got THAT), we get 1939. Now, Goondis has a medical degree, but we don’t know WHEN he got it, so it’s entirely possible that he was studying medicine during or after the war. The average age for military enlistment is 18-24, so let’s say Mike, Ernie, and Joblet were about 19 when they joined the army, putting that at around 1958.
Now, Garce would have had to be alive during the war, since his mother (Merga) died before it ended (he must have been around five or six if we go off Joblet’s flashback). He’s in his young adulthood according to the Hotdaga wiki, so let’s say he’s about 23 in 1989, meaning he was born in 1966. If we add this to the date we know Merga died, this would mean the wars ended in around 1971/2. THIS MEANS THAT THE CHILLI WARS ***CANONICALLY*** LASTED AT LEAST 13 YEARS.
Ok here’s the actual timeline
Approx. 1937-1938: Papa Crab reveals his Crab Joust Prophecy to Murry and Gina. We know that this is the approximate start, since Papa Crab states “Let’s eat the remains of Amelia Earhart for dinner”— Amelia Earhart disappeared in 1937, and doing some simple maths, that’s around the amount of time it would take for her decaying body to be consumed.
Approx. 1939: Mike, Ernie, and Joblet are born.
Approx. 1957: Twin hot dog sisters, Pam and Rebecca, are born. Dan is born. I’m approximating this to be their age as they get married in 1985, and the average marriage age is 28.
Approx. 1958: Mike, Ernie, and Joblet join the military.
Approx. 1965: In adherence with hot dog culture, eight-year-old Pam, Rebecca, and Dan are told the Hot Dog Prophecy. The Hot Dog Prophecy states that there will be born a hot dog who shall survive a crab joust, fall into a Hawaiian volcano, and forge their soul into the Gauntlet of Ultimate Power, or GUP.
Approx. 1966: Garce is born.
Approx. 1972: Ernie and Mike Soup assassinate Pope Chilli IX, blowing up a civilian transport in the process and killing Merga. The treaty of Ver-Soy is signed.
AT SOME POINT AFTER THIS, ERNIE TRAVELS TO TOMAT-0, WHERE HE IS HYPNOTISED BY JOBLET. NOT SURE WHEN.
1978: Rebecca and Dan meet in Studio 54
1985: Rebecca and Dan are married in Rochester, New York, by the Sausage Priest.
I DON’T KNOW WHEN EXACTLY, BUT AT SOME POINT BEFORE 1989, PAM HYPNOTISED GINA AND MURRY. THERE ISN’T ENOUGH INFO FOR ME TO FIGURE OUT WHEN THOUGH.
Approx. 1989 (most people have kids at around age 31 and Brandon is an infant at the start of S1 so I’m assuming he was just born): Pam pretends to be Rebecca to kill Dan in a staged auto accident, then shoots him in the head. He survives this, and finds Rebecca on a tropical island, where she reveals that she has given birth to a son named Brandon, and that it was truly PAM who attempted to murder to kill Dan, at which point Pam reveals herself and challenges Dan to a crab joust.
great! all of this is cool and great. this is canon that accurate through ALL timelines. however, the timeline splits in half during the crab joust, since if there was only ONE timeline, Brandon eating himself would’ve caused a grandfather paradox.
Approx. 1989: Pam murders Dan in front of Brandon, which makes her more powerful, and changes Brandon’s life forever.
Approx. 1989: Pam murders Dan in front of Brandon, which makes her more powerful.
Sometime in the future, after the early 1990’s: After years of studying the ways of the hot dog witches, Brandon approaches Dr Lisa Bratwurst and her assistant Gene Who Is French Fries to transport him back in time with the help of The Machine. Dr Bratwurst explains that the government, now run by witches, has pulled her funding just before she could finish her project— all she needed was the Quantum Relish. Brandon reveals that he has the Quantum Relish, and together with Gene, he travels to Approx. 1989 to avert the crab joust.
Approx. 1989-2: Big Brandon and Gene arrive back in time in order to stop the crab joust and do so successfully. He lifts the hypnotic spell from Murry and Gina and commands them to feed Pam to a racoon, and they carry her away. Big Brandon eats Baby Brandon, who gets big mad, and possesses the racoon that was going to eat Pam. They hatch a plan to kill the Hot Dog Clan and forge the Gauntlet of Ultimate Power (or GUP) for the Dark Master.
Pam creates dozens (if not hundreds!!) of holograms with fake memories planted in their minds, incepting these fake memories into people’s heads. One of these holograms is Gebra, Gene’s sister, who invites him to her wedding (as a ploy for Pam to forge the GUP), and our heroes travel the States collecting Gene’s band members to play at the wedding.
Technically, the hologram timeline isn’t real, however there’s very strong canonical evidence that Pam sort of made it real through witch magic?? Mainly through offhand comments about the Risky Fixin’s. They play ‘Plupple Honeymoon’ on Earth Radio, and Pam mentions that their lyrics were carved into the moon- so they do seem to be real. This lends evidence to the fact that Pam MADE THE HOLOGRAMS REAL EVEN THOUGH THEYRE TECHNICALLY NOT, meaning that they didn’t exist until approximately 1989, at which point they started existing, and after 1989, they had always existed before that point.
I’m going to treat their timeline as real, because canon does.
All we definitely know about the Hologram timeline is that the Risky Fixin’s formed in the early 1990’s while they were all in nursing school. I don’t know if he means the 1990’s from the original timeline, but I’m going to assume so, since that’s where (when) he’s from. Does this mean that they’re real in the original timeline AND the hologram timeline? Who knows! Feel free to speculate, because the concept is fucking terrifying. Either way, we have to use the early 1990’s as a jumping-off point, since it’s the only canon date from the hologram timeline.
Early 50’s: Maizey and Gebra are born. Decided on the 1950’s because they get married in 1989, and they give me the vibes of mid-thirty-year-olds.
Early 1970’s: Gene, Melba Dill, and Steven Rootbeer are born.
Approx. 1989-2: The hologram timeline and the first divergent timeline join into one timeline.
Early 1990’s: Sweet Gene and the Risky Fixin’s form while they’re in nursing school. Most freshman nursing students are 18-19 years old, so let’s say that’s around the age they were when the band was born. However, since the Hotdaga takes place in around 1989, Pam must’ve either,
(a) TAKEN THE FUCKING RISKY FIXIN’S AND MOVED THEM A GOOD TWENTY YEARS BACK IN TIME, PUTTING GENE’S BIRTHDAY IN THE 50’S SO THAT THE BAND COULD FORM IN THE 70’S AND EXIST IN THE PAST TO BE ABLE TO PLAY AT MAIZEY AND GEBRA’S WEDDING,
(b) Fucked up when replacing Gene’s memory, or
(c) The ludicrous possibility that I got the timeline wrong (or Shane didn’t think it through).
Approx. 1989-1990: The events of seasons 3-5 occur.
(someone at @wearewatcher please ask Shane how close i am to the Truth)