The Yeast Factory

Literature, politics, culture, fermentation, and the arts.

[yeastfactory]

Movie Ideas #13

Untitled Ice Road Truckers Kids Movie: Benny, on a disasterous trip to find Santa Clause, is saved by one magical ice road trucker trying to get his shipment of baby butt wipes to the Yukon.

The Origin Of Stan: Following the work of his great great grandfather, Stan Darwin uses laborious genetics research to evolve himself a bigger penis.

No Regrets: When his father becomes sick, a young man has to choose between running the family’s movie studio or following his dream of becoming a fry cook.

[yeastfactory]

EnerGel NeedleTip 7.0

Boy, if a medieval scribe had my EnerGel NeedleTip 7.0 pen, he would copy those scrolls so fast that the other scribes would really respect him. But those ink cartridges don't last so long so he would probably only finish about half a scroll before it runs out. I guess I could travel back in time again and give him a new one, but if all he's got to barter are some brown robes and a wooden flute he carved, then fuck him. Those pens ain't cheap, y'know?

[yeastfactory]

Youth-Oriented Marketing

Stop cancer once and for all with this awareness raising (in a big picture sort of way) ‘I Heart Boobies’ wristband! It will surely have big breasted females and males alike saying “Damn, I want to check my breasts for cancerous lumps.” Fresh! Chicks 'dig' a guy whose awareness of cancer is related to whether or not uninhibited malignant tumor growth is attached to a rockin’ pair of hooters that make any guy gawk and howl, “Damn, I want you to not die so I can see those thang thangs go womp womp womp when you walk.” Out-of-sight! Breast cancer is no joke. Did you know 100% of women have breasts? And all of those breasts could easily be infected by cancer, unless we act fast and buy now. Heart a boobie today! Similar Items ‘Don’t Drink And Drive, You’ll Spill Your Beer’ Bumper Sticker Making A Duck Face “The Grapes of Wrath” By John Steinbeck

[yeastfactory]

Movie Ideas #12

Buzzkill: A guy named Buzz kills people, insects, and various wildlife.

The Long Weave: A disillusioned rug salesman wonders if there's more to life than boring, old rugs. He is depressed. That is, until he discovers the existence of Persian rugs.

Charles: A biopic about Charles Darwin and his quest to evolutionize himself a larger wang.

[yeastfactory]

Whoever wrote this really has an axe to grind. They carved their message onto the desk but the blade was so dull that I can’t read shit.

[yeastfactory]

Mr. President

When I shook the President of the United States's hand that cold Saturday morning, I wondered if the president, like me, holds his balls while he is sleeping and if I had, in a way, cupped the leader of the free world's nuts. I told my grand kids that story and they didn't like it.

[yeastfactory]

Movie Ideas #11

Fouling Out: An estranged father tries to reconnect with his troublemaker son by using basketball to teach life lessons, like avoiding gang life through a solid mid-range game and how to tell a girl you like her by unleashing a sick crossover.

Big Girl: This is about a girl with a thyroid disorder and, boy, is she big!

The Secret World Of Tyler Benton: Every evening, 9-year-old orphan Tyler Benton escapes into the world of internet porn.

[yeastfactory]

For sale: baby shoes, never worn. Also for sale, baby carcass.

[yeastfactory]

Interview Questions

Tell us about yourself.

Do you have a college degree?

Mother always said I should go to college, but I never lived up to her expectations. I started a successful business, Petro’s Pizza Palace, but she didn’t care. Idiot Petro, you’re an idiot, she would say, you’re nothing but a pizza farmer. But now she’s dead. Is your mother dead?

Why is US Representative Earl Blumenauer a disgrace to the humble state of Oregon?

If you were US Representative Earl Blumenauer, eating at Petro's Pizza Palace, would you be too much of a hot-shot to get your picture taken for the Spicy Marinara Hall Of Fame? Even after I explained how proud Mother would be in heaven if she knew I made a famous guy pizza?

Do you have experience using Adobe Photoshop?

If we gave you a photo of US Representative Earl Blumenauer, would you be able to make it look like fecal matter is dribbling from his mouth?

Where do you see yourself in five years?

Can you see yourself serving Earl Blumenauer a plate of cheesy sticks filled with razor blades?

Do you think Mother talks about me a lot with her angel friends?

Oh, here’s a fun one: How would you weigh an elephant without a scale?

Do you have any questions for me?

[yeastfactory]

Movie Ideas #10

The Crab Caretaker: Goodlooking volunteer firefighter Matt Richards can’t seem to land a girlfriend after he reveals to them he has crabs--in a fish tank! He also has untreatable genital warts.

Spilled Milk: Famous celebrities detail their favorite milk spilling techniques. The world’s professional milk spillers discuss how they learned the craft of knocking over glasses, pitchers, and other containers filled with delicious cow nectar.

Noah Sparber: This guy goes to my school. Follow him with a camera. Bet he does sneaky shit at night.

[yeastfactory]

I want my children to grow on a planet without war, a planet without prejudice, a planet called Zorp.

Excerpt from Jack Welch’s autobiography

[yeastfactory]

Movie Ideas #9

Love Is A Four Letter Word: A no-nonsense teacher encourages her students in learning how to count.

The Mysterious Life Of Max Harris: Family members and coworkers of Max Harris are unaware that he is an accomplished Magic The Gathering player.

Annie Hall 2: The same thing as Annie Hall except Woody Allen’s character is now a neurotic muscular retard.

[yeastfactory]

I can’t imagine a world without war because I got into a car accident and the part of my brain that imagines stuff got smooshed.

Excerpt from Jack Welch’s autobiography

[yeastfactory]

Movie Ideas #8

Childhood Cherry: On the verge of death, a man remembers his life and how it was influenced heavily by this one cancer-inducing cherry that he ate off the ground without even washing it.

Suitcase Full Of Lies: A no-nonsense businessman carries a briefcase for work, yes, but carries a second secret briefcase full of index cards with straight-up wrong facts.

The Green Freak: A nerd gets a handjob from a prostitute that’s wearing Hulk Hands.

[yeastfactory]

Growing up, I thought my dad was invincible, but, after he had that stroke, he just looked so weak and frail. It’s scary to think that if one little stroke can do that to him, just imagine what I can do with a hammer.

Excerpt from Jack Welch’s autobiography

[yeastfactory]

You Solar Energy Guys Are Going To Look Awfully Foolish When The Sun Blows Up

Boy oh boy you solar energy guys are gonna look like the biggest dummies on the alternative energy block when your precious sun inevitably blows up leaving you solar ranchers back in the stone age. You know why birds are so popular? It’s not because they’ve invested in solar energy companies. Nope—wind power, baby. Go ahead, strap as many solar cells as you can to an eagle’s wings, it won’t fly.

Everyone's just gonna go ahead and mark days off the calendar until your supreme alternative-fuel-source-diety the sun blows up. Wind can’t blow up. Oh, but it can blow alright. Have you ever tried blowing a bird up? Can’t do it. Wind just blows and blows, providing us with clean energy but you turned your back on its majestic, untrappable beauty.

Scientists don’t even know what controls the wind but it sure as shit isn’t running out any time soon. Hell, how does a condor fly? It’s so big, right? That’s the power of wind, my friend. That’s the power of wind.

[yeastfactory]

Movie Ideas #7

Peeling Off USA: Expert skidmark maker Jason Winners tries to peel off one long skid mark from Los Angeles to New York.

Lady Dalton: Lady Dalton travels to Savannah to settle the affairs of her recently-deceased husband. Her husband? Confederate President Davis! Things are about to get very interesting...

The Spectacular Spiderman: Peter Parker is bitten by a spider and grows a bunch of hairy arms and these weird glowing red eyes. He is shunned by his peers and Uncle Ben tries to smother him with a pillow. Peter commits suicide by hanging himself with his own disgusting web threads.