Love is Not Always Enough
To my anxiously-attached sweethearts, this is for you. To anyone who's in an "opposites attract" relationship and struggling, this is for you.
I secretly loved romance movies and novels growing up- not that I'd ever be caught dead admitting this in front of my sister- I'd sooner admit I'm a furry lol. But you know which love stories I always despised from the depths of my heart? The ones where the two leads love each other so deeply, and are such. genuinely. good. people. And they look so good together??? And yet, they don't end up together... simply because they "wanted different things from life," ugh.
I can't put into words how much I always hated those endings. It was just a heart-wrenching conclusion to a perfect romance. I wanted to punch the TV screen every time, but now that I'm in my first (and beautiful) relationship of 2 years I'm finally tasting this bitter truth from the other side.
Love can hold two people together through the absolute worst that this giant green-and-blue rock has to offer us. But love doesn't equal compatibility. Attraction, love, friendship, commitment, loyalty, compromise, respect, none of these will be enough for a happy relationship if you don't ALIGN in your values, life path, communication, and wants. One by one a crisis will emerge, grow in complexity, and a resolution will become increasingly impossible to reach. You'll start to wonder why you didn't break up earlier, how you don't agree on the most important things. You'll feel helpless and compelled to let them go even as your inner child refuses to.
Opposites can attract but don't necessarily belong together. Your person might make you the happiest you've ever been, but they won't necessarily keep you happy in the long-term. I know, it's an ugly sentence, feel free to cancel me. But it won't change the truth that you're crying in the bathroom every weekend wondering why your person doesn't get you. Sometimes it's just impractical.
If I speak about my boyfriend, he's changed a lot since we met. In a good way for him (I'm proud of his self-improvement journey), but not always in a good way for us. As we're growing, we're moving further apart in what we want out of life. Our relationship needs and goals are becoming increasingly contrasted. He doesn't care much for romance or da horny, while I don't care much for philosophy and spirituality. I want more time with him, do more things with him, he needs less time and less activities. He's avoidant and independent, I'm anxious and clingy. He's the tsundere boyfriend, I'm the uwu girlfriend lmao. Hell yeah we're cute like that, but it's not all sparkles and chocolates.
Do we still love each other? Incredibly so. Some days it feels like the kind of mature love that wrinkly 80 year old grandpas and grandmas have hehe. He's a wonderful person down to the bone, respects me, and looks out for me. We've worked through many arguments and challenges together, stuck together till the end. We both know finding another "wifey" or "hubby" like each other will be rare to come across.
But none of that changes the possibility that maybe we're too different. That I feel like I'm dating a monk who evil laughs and gives me a wise lecture once a day, and he feels like he's dating a 10 year old girl who demands attention and headpats and cries once a day lol. Maybe we're not compatible enough and won't be able to live the rest of our lives making compromises and trying to slowly inch the war in our personal favor. As time progresses it feels like communication is becoming harder, not easier. Love may not be enough to keep us happy, as much as I hate to admit it. Unless we can find common values and allied desires again, grow together again... this relationship is something I'll eventually have to reconsider.
But here's the good part.
If you truly have a decent human being with you, there's always a possibility that things will work out for you. Love is a choice you make everyday, a conscious decision and patient WORK. If they're willing to do it for you and you're willing to do it for them, maybe no matter how unusual and bizarre your match... it will just click.
You can't fit a square into a triangle shaped hole. But if you're ready to cut some corners, maybe it's possible?
So take your time but make it productive. You don't need to end things in a heated screaming match or drag on a dead relationship for infinity. Start the difficult conversations, share the burden of communication, remember to be respectful, and however hurtful, accept your partner's words as their truth. Ask them if they can fight for you. And only stay if the answer is "yes", because that's the only right answer in a world where you deserve happiness.
And the most important pieces of advice I can give you:
1. Work on your flaws and communication skills, you're imperfect too and can't force your partner to change for you. You can both only agree to be better than your codependency/neurosis/defense mechanisms/past trauma, whatever brings a rift in your relationship.
2. There is more to life than romance. You were there before he/she came along, and you'll be there even after them, so remember to put yourself first too, have hobbies and opinions and a whole life outside of your relationship. Self care and autonomy takes the cake, and the attraction you'll feel when you're two separate ppl, not one enmeshed mess, is just the cherry on top.
3. Humor is magic. Sprinkle it on everything. There's a time for taking issues and life seriously, and there's a time for laughing about the things that go wrong between you two somedays. Push aside your anger and be light in your step. Apologize like you expect to be apologized to.
3. Accept it with a smile when the universe tells you that it's just not possible. Fill your heart with utter joy at having made this journey with them, at having come this far and learned so much. They were one of your best friends who you'll never forget. And let go of your hold on them... stepping into a better life.
Having written this, I'm feeling a lot better. I'll go tell my grumpy cat bf I love him now, because I'm here to work on us yet another day.
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