I grew up in a household where this was very much the definition of “apology”: the unspoken understanding was that once mom had decided you’d screwed up, then somebody was going to abase and abuse you, and it was much easier – and faster– if you did it to yourself than if you let her do it.
So yeah, I totally understand how one arrives at this habit, and I totally understand how it can feel very very wrong to not to do this. When performing self-hatred is the only thing that keeps you safe, then your brain learns to freak right the fuck out when you fail to do it.
The problem is, you learn this habit when you spend time with someone who doesn’t give a shit about you (or your needs, or your feelings, or your pain). Often, you learn it from someone who actively wants to hurt you. But the rest of the world isn’t like that. Once you get out of that situation (and yeah, let me emphatically second the movement to get out of that situation as quickly as you are safely able to do so), you are surrounded by people who do give a shit, and who very much do not want to hurt you. Friends and partners, especially, but (and this is one of those things that’s hard to swallow), even random people at the bus stop care, at least somewhat, about helping and comforting complete strangers. Humans are pack animals, and distressing other people causes us distress.
So when I say, “Yeah, yeah, I’m worthless garbage, I get it,” that makes the alarm bells in my brain shut off, (which, God, do I need ways to make the alarm bells in my brain shut off) …
and it also feels accurate (you can only perform self-hatred for so long before it sinks in)….
but it’s a completely different experience to the sane, reasonable, decent person who hears it. To them, it sounds like they, personally, individually, have completely obliterated my self-esteem, and that makes them, in turn, feel awful about themself. Because no reasonable decent person wants you to feel like garbage.
So yeah, as much better as the degrading-myself feels to me, I’m not smoothing over the issue; I’m exacerbating it. I’m giving them a no-win situation, in which they either have to feel terrible about themself for hurting me, or they have to never bring up anything that bothers them, ever, in any way.
And it doesn’t matter that I was trying to smooth things over, nor that I didn’t want to make them feel awful. The fact of the matter is that I did make them feel awful, and I did put them in a no-win situation. And that’s not who I want to be.
What’s the alternative? I would love to have some feedback from people who are better at this, and had better training, than I. But my template is something like
Hey, {person}. I’m sorry about {Thing I Did}. I {brief explanation of why I Did The Thing}, but {reason why the Thing I Did was bad, actually}.
(If relevant) {Proposal for how I can undo / mitigate the harm I did} (OR) {Query about whether I can undo/mitigate the harm I did}
(If relevant) {Explanation of my needs / concerns / important points that are still relevant to the conversation}
{Explanation of what I’m going to do differently next time} (OR) {Request for help to make a better plan for next time}
{Expression of affection},
Signature
Hey, love. I’m sorry I snapped at you. I was feeling overwhelmed, but it wasn’t fair to take it out on you like that. When we both have spoons, I’d like to brainstorm ways I can let you know when I’m over-stimulated, so I can catch this spiral before I lose control. I love you, and I’m sorry. Raina
Hey. I’m sorry for teasing you about your book, the other night. I was just trying to play around, but it’s not playing if it’s hurting someone. I should have paid more attention to what you were saying.
I wanted to let you know that I really do think your idea is awesome, and I hope you do write it. Is there anything I can do to help that happen?
If you’d be comfortable, I would like to hear more about what you’re OK with joking about, and what you’d like me to stay away from, so I can do a better job in the future. But either way, I’ll try to be more cognizant of what I’m saying and how it affects people.
Hey, Alan. I wanted to apologize for my attitude in the meeting the other day. I was feeling super-defensive, and it made me react badly, and without even really listening to your proposal. I should have handled that better.
Looking over your suggestions again, I still have concerns about x, y, and z, but I really like what your idea could do for a, b, and c. I’m wondering about maybe, instead of making a change to this report, if we should just make a whole new one? That would let us get a and b, but not affect y and z.
It’s also possible I’m misunderstanding the impact on x and y, so if so, feel free to tell me what I’m missing. If you think that would be easier in a call or a meeting than in an email, feel free to throw something on my calendar.
Again, I’m sorry about my initial reaction. In the future, I’ll be better about making sure to understand the full proposal before I respond.
I wanted to apologize for how I handled our conversation when you pointed out my misgendering Tanya. I was raised to apologize in this really self-abasing manner, and that’s what feels like the most sincere type of apology to me, but looking back on how it went, I’m guessing that made you really uncomfortable.
I reached out to apologize to Tanya, but I wanted to say thank you for holding your ground when I lashed out, and thank you for caring about me and trusting me enough to correct me in the first place.
I’m working on changing my habits when I’m called out, but I’ve still got a ways to go. If you want to talk about it more, I’m in a better place now to have a conversation. Otherwise, I’ll just keep working to get better.
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