☆Mars☆

Trans Boy ⭐️ 18 ⭐️ Gay

[4-st4r-b0y]

☆ Intro Time ☆

☆ Name - Rowan Mars (Rowan is first name, Mars is middle) ☆ Age - 18 ☆ Gender - Trans Male Genderqueer ☆ Pronouns - He/it ☆ Sexuality - Pan but like. Men ☆ Nationality - American ☆ Neurodivergent as fuck but undiagnosed ☆ Diagnosed with a bunch of physical issues though ☆ Archaeology major ☆ Interests/Fandoms under the cut

☆ Interests - Music (punk, emo, rock, EDM, sea shanties, folk, indie, metal, weird shit, swing, jazz...any music tbh), Musicals, Reading, Skating (Skateboarding), Minecraft, Space, stars, animals, Art sometimes ☆ TV I like - Game of Thrones, The Hobbit, The LOTR, Spiderman, DC, Marvel, Yellowjackets, Criminal Minds, Transformers, DC, Batman, Indiana Jones, Expedition Unknown, She-Ra, Nimona, Skins UK, Superman, Young Justice, Heathers, HTTYD, Bluey, Studio Ghibli, Logan Lucky, Hazbin Hotel ☆ Anime I like - MHA, Norigami, Death Note, Black Butler, Demon Slayer, Fruits Basket, Ouran High School Host Club, Toradora, Fruits Basket ☆ Musicals I like - EPIC, Hamilton, Heathers, Hadestown, Mean Girls ☆ Games I like - COD, Minecraft, Unpacking, FNAF, Sims 4, Animal Crossing, Little Big Snake, Traffic Rider, Fragen, Gacha Life 2 ☆ Books I like - Little Thieves, Vita Nostra, A Walk Across America, Throne of Glass, The Witcher, The Hobbit, Hatchet, White Fang, The Call of the Wild, Watership Down, Narnia, The Cruel Prince, The Hunger Games, The Novice, Percy Jackson

☆ Tag System - ☆ GAY AS HELL ☆ - Mlm/Gay/Sexuality posts ☆ TRANS AS HELL ☆ - Trans/Gender posts ☆ NEURODIVERGENT AS HELL ☆ - Neurodivergent/Neurodiverse/mental health posts ☆ HEALTH AS HELL ☆ - chronic pain and physical health posts ☆ REBLOGGED AS HELL ☆ - reblogs ☆ WE BE VIBING ☆ - Music posts ☆ WE BE READING ☆ - Book posts ☆ WE BE WATCHING ☆ - Tv posts ☆ WE BE MAKING ☆ - Art posts ☆ WE BE COOKING ☆ - Cooking posts ☆ HELL YEAH GRASS ☆ - Nature posts ☆ HELL YEAH FASHION ☆ - Clothing posts ☆ HELL YEAH POLITICS ☆ - political posts ☆ HELL YEAH EXERCISE ☆ - exercise-workout-y posts ☆ HELL YEAH BOXES - Userbox posts posts ☆ SO MANY FUCKING STARS ☆ - Space posts ☆ SO MANY FUCKING WORDS ☆ - Ramble posts ☆ SO MANY FUCKING PIXELS ☆ - Game posts ☆ SO MANY FUCKING WHEELS ☆ - Skating posts ☆ SO MANY FUCKING THINGS ☆ - Animal, history, everything else posts

[4-st4r-b0y]

One thing ive noticed abt how my brain works is that when faced with ANY amount of extreme stress or even just a decision that cant be directly addressed/has a complex route to approaching and no set plan for either side, my brain just immediately defaults to 'off myself'.

Like. Thinking about transitioning but also realizing that its not safe enough to do so and I dont have the physcial or financial means to do so at the moment and doing so would risk my family hating me and losing potential romantic partners or friends? If I kill myself it'll be simpler.

Thinking about having to do the entire complex process of getting diagnosed with dysautonomia, EDS, etc again to even begin to think of potentially getting disability recognition or accommodation? If I kill myself then I don't have to worry about the chronic pain at all

Coming out of a depressive, manic, euphoric, hypomanic episode and being aware of how unstable my mental health is and how fast it can turn against me? Thinking of the hallucinations and delusions? Thinking of the lack of psychiatric care I have available, the lack of trust I have in the system, the potential negative affects of getting treatment? If I kill myself, I won't have mental health to be unstable

Literally any hard thing just becomes 'kill myself'. And its like half-hearted, but its not entirely a joke/half-joking. The ideation is there and strong.

I dunno. It's just exhausting

[4-st4r-b0y]

Im so good at this ai thing

[4-st4r-b0y]

Im the first one BUT i could also be the second one very easily

[4-st4r-b0y]

Two life plans be like

1: University A

Be studious in school, make a few friends, socially transition, maybe a bf, on campus job, go hiking on weekends, potentially study abroad, get my BA degree, immediately follow up with a MA program

2: University B

Study but also party, hook up with people, transition after school/only with a few people, off campus job, go partying on weekends, graduate with my BA and wild life stories, maybe take a gap year after graduation before getting my MA

Pacific Northwest vs East Coast plans lol

Prob gonna end up with plan 1

[homunculus-argument]

Haiku:

A crow caws nonsense

Complicated underwear

Fingers in my ears

[4-st4r-b0y]

Haiku inspired by yours:

The wind speaks a song

Wonderfully confusing

Opening my heart

[4-st4r-b0y]

I just want to live my life being gay and stupid but alas. I am cursed with The Burdens

[4-st4r-b0y]

Oh silly me for thinking my DOCTOR telling me I have a condition was an OFFICIAL DIAGNOSIS because apparently the healthcare system plays on made up PAPERWORK RULES and I'm a liar since its not in my 'official file'

[4-st4r-b0y]

hey man, i saw your vent posts and I want you to know you aren't the only one going through this shit. You are allowed to be angry and devastated, you're allowed to be unhappy and wish to be cis and to be non-disabled, you're allowed to be dysphoric no matter what fucking ANYONE says to you. Your feelings are important, they're real, and they are nothing to be ashamed of.

You absolutely deserve better, you deserve a life that you fall in love with living. And it IS hard. But that's not your fault. It is not your fault that the world hates trans people. And, this is a very hot take, but it's also not your job to fix it.

What I mean by that is, just because you're queer and disabled doesn't mean you have to be an advocate for others like you. It's fucking exhausting and soul-crushing effort. Not everyone has the ability to do so, and it shouldn't be considered shameful. It's not a failure on your part, and you do not need to be shitting sunshine and rainbows to be an activist either. If it isn't for you, it isn't for you, and that is 100% okay. Not everyone SHOULD, especially if it damages your health, mental or physical, to do so.

Your only job, as a living, breathing being, is to know you ARE loved and wanted by others. Even on days when it is hard, there is always at least one other living being that loves that you are here. That's it.

Those of us who advocate, do so on the behalf of those who do not or can not. We love that you're here. Because we love that you're here, we fight to make a world that is kinder to you. A world that makes it safe for you to be your entire self, including your disabilities, neurodivergency, and queerness, not despite them.

sorry if this is obnoxious, i just really resonated with your vent. I thought I was going to be dead at 12. Then again at 16. Again at 20. 22. I'm 26 now, and I don't know what I'm gonna do with my life. I'm ND, disabled, and an intersex transmasc. All I know is that the suffering I've faced because of all these things isn't something I want others to experience. So I keep fighting.

I love you, I don't know you but I love you, I know it doesn't help much but i'll fight for you. because you and everyone else like you deserves a better world and better lives. i love you.

I- Holy shit. I don't know what I expected to wake up to but it wasn't this. Damn. I don't even know what to say in response to this honestly.

Thank you. Like. So much. I really do appreciate everything you said. I didn't expect anyone to react to my vents, especially with this much agreement and compassion and understanding. It feels really nice to know there's other people out there who get it, honestly.

I do want to advocate in some way, I just can't right now. Physically, mentally, emotionally. And I feel really shitty about that, especially when people expect me to advocate simply for being the way I am. In the future, maybe I will. But to you, and everyone else who advocates for those that cant: thank you. Truly.

You aren't obnoxious for the ask. I really, truly appreciate everything you said. It helps to know that other people understand. Helps me feel less alone and less guilty. And I love you too. You deserve all the good things. I hope I can join you in the fight some day.

Just. Thank you.

[4-st4r-b0y]

AND ANOTHER THING

Below cut: vent about being mentally ill + wanting to not be + opinions around the psych system

I'm not proud of my mental state. At least not enough to be a 'Mental Health Advocate / Warrior / Whatever the fuck'. And I'm not going to be. I'm alive, but that's it. That's literally all I have to say for myself right now. I don't want to be this and if I could be not this I would switch without hesitation.

I'm not mentally stable or secure. I either have a mood or a personality disorder or both (leading suspects are BPD, Bipolar 2, OCD, or schizoaffective disorder). I have anxiety and depression for sure. I have family trauma and social trauma and probably C-PTSD. I have 2 ruined relationships that were unhealthy because I was too attached to see the treatment I was receiving but too unattached to meet my partners needs.

I feel insane sometimes because I have hallucinations and delusions and paranoia and while I know they aren't real how the fuck am I supposed to feel about seeing eyes in the walls. I have intrusive thoughts and Hypersexuality that I LOATHE myself for. I have SH scars and I scratch and bite and pull my hair when it gets bad. I've had addictions and eating disorders I pulled myself out of with sheer spite. have anger control issues and the smallest thing can make me want to scream and ram my head into a wall and while I'm good at controlling it and keeping it interal, the fact that I even want to is terrifying. I have at least passive ideation 90% of the time.

And I'm undiagnosed. And to get diagnosed I have to talk to a psychiatrist. And I'm very anti-psych. I do not trust therapists to not shove me in an institution the second I tell them about the worse common parts of my daily life. I am scared to risk getting misdiagnosed or mistreated. I run a high risk of having the wrong medication prescribed, or having a bad reaction, and that genuinely terrifies me. But I also want medication and treatment to at least have a chance at being normal.

Im not quirky. Im not cool. Im not a soldier. Im not an inspiration. Im tired. Im angry. Im scared. I don't think I'll live to see 25, I doubt I'll make it to 23. I want to give up so often because this sucks. I want to smoke and drink just to make the day end faster and sometimes I don't care if I wake up. I usually dont.

I'm not proud to be who I am. If I could be anyone else, I'd switch in a second. And I'm sick and tired of people thinking they have a right to tell me I should feel otherwise.

[4-st4r-b0y]

And yknow what I'm not done venting. The same as earlier also applies to me being queer / trans.

Below cut: vent about being trans male + experiences around being female / trans male + wanting to be born cis male

If I could wake up in a body I actually felt at home in? If I could wake up as a cis guy? If there was any way for me to do that? I'd do it in a literal heartbeat. Drawbacks? I don't care. Let me wake up and grow up as a cis dude.

And I've had. So many people tell me that makes me a bad trans ally, that I'm promoting sexism. I've had people tell me I should be proud to be trans, be happy that I have this journey and experience and community to be apart of. And on one hand: sure. But on the other hand: fuck no.

I grew up as a girl. I was socialized as one. I've had experiences because of that socialization that left me with trauma and issues I'm still sorting out. I have dysmorphia, dysphoria, insecurities from being the way that I am vs the way that I wish I could be or could have been. And I have experiences with transphobia, homophobia, and transandrophobia specifically that I also would have avoided at all costs if I could.

I would trade my entire past for the chance to be born again as a boy. I would have been able to avoid so much trauma, so much nonsense. I don't know exactly how things would've been different, but I know damn well they would've been at least a little bit better.

And I'm tired of having to act like my dysphoria magically disappears when I get called my correct name or pronouns. It doesn't. I still hate mirrors and changing some days. Which has only served to make my mental health WORSE on bad days.

Yes, the community has some truly great people. Shitty people? Yes. But great ones too. It can be welcominging and loving as hell. You can find an actual support system. But I'd rather not have to rely on stranger's support because a fundamental part of me goes against society. I'd rather not have to worry about every relationship being just another person using me to either satisfy a fetish or try and turn me cis again.

There's joy, sure. But there's also so much doubt and anxiety and hurt and anger and missed experiences and envy and yearning and it's hard. Its so hard sometimes. And I'd trade it all in a second if I could. And I need people to be okay with a trans person not wanting to be trans all the time. Because it can really suck.

[4-st4r-b0y]

Can I just vent for a second?

Below cut: vent about being disabled + not proud of being disabled + wanting to not be disabled if given a choice

I'm genuinely just so tired of talking to people, trying to talk about my experiences and my situations, and every response being a contradiction or argument to what I'm telling them. Its just...exhausting

Like recently I was talking to a few friends, and I was like, yeah, if I could choose to be, you know, in a different body, and not be disabled like this, I'd do that in a second.

And they were like, "Oh! But aren't you supposed to be like an advocate? And you know, disability warrior type stuff, and not wanna do that? Wouldn't you want to be disabled because of the experiences and benefits?"

And I was just like, what the fuck does that mean? if I could wake up in a body that didn't hurt every time I moved, would choose that in a second. This is exhausting, I'm not a warrior, I'm just someone who got fucked by life and has to deal with the consequences. It's not glorious or grand that I am disabled. It's not quirky or cool personality trait that every part of me will hurt if I do anything that I like to do for more than 5 minutes. It's not something I'm proud of.

I have chronic pain and joint pain and all of these conditions that I can't get rid of and will never be able to get rid of and will probably just make my quality of life deteriorate as I get older.

It's not a good thing and it doesn't benefit me in any way. I'm not proud of it and I'm so tired of people being like "Oh, but you should be proud of it, you know? You're so strong. You're so good at, you know, maintaining your life and doing things despite it."

Like, yeah, because I have to be. The other option is just to give up and die, and you know, I've thought of that. It's tempting, but I can't just give up. That's not very disability warrior of me now, is it? I'm just, I'm so tired and it's just...it sucks. I'm not even mad, well I am, but... I'm just so tired.

It's not as impressive as people seem to think it is to wake up every day, ad wonder how much pain you'll be in, or how many insults you'll get tossed at you just for existing outside of what people consider the norm. I can't just force my body to do things without being in pain, or to do the things that come along with being disabled and therefore unable to do. Those things are not anything that I am proud of.

You can be proud to be disabled, you can be a disability warrior and extremely proud of where you are and stuff. That's fine, that's great, I'm happy for you. But don't expect everybody to be.

And if somebody is venting or tired and they tell you that they're not proud, don't tell them that they should be because it's not always fun community building stuff. Not everyone wants to be a warrior. I sure as hell don't. I'm not one. I'm just someone who has no other choice but to keep going because the alternative is give up. Sometimes it's just hurts and is tiring and...anyway. Yeah.

Tl;Dr: Not every disabled person would willingly choose to be disabled. It sucks sometimes. Not everyone wants to be a disability warrior. Let people be tired and angry without telling them to be proud of being disabled.

[4-st4r-b0y]

Going to the BEACH today!!

[4-st4r-b0y]

Hello. Opinion please

Did a redraw of an art i did like two years ago. Do we like the old or new one better?

Which one

old (left)

new (right)

Voting ended onMar 7

[4-st4r-b0y]

that random ass anti-transmasc anon hate you got was abhorrent and completely unprovoked, wishing u well brother (from one trans man w scoliosis to another 🤝)

(also your soup recipe looks very good)

thank you!! Im choosing to ignore anon hate and instead focus on my soup of joy and whimsy. (Also trans men w/ scoliosis solidarity ima start a support group for us 🤝)

(And it is very good i am thriving soup wise)

[4-st4r-b0y]

trans "men" like you are the reason nobody takes masculinity seriously. you make a mockery of real men and just pretend to be one for the benefits like selfish bitches

...i? Made? Soup?

[4-st4r-b0y]

hi. Tomato soup modification recipe be upon you

Canned tomato soup (condensed preferably)

Milk (any kind)

Garlic (fresh or powder)

Ground paprika

Oregano (dried or fresh) + Parsley (dried or fresh) OR Italian seasoning OR both

Like 5-10 cherry/grape tomatoes OR 1/2-1 roma/beefsteak/etc. Tomato (cut smaller ones in half, cut bigger ones into slices or cubes. Dont gotta, just makes it easier)

Black pepper

Salt

Put tomato soup can in bowl. Add milk. Heat up in microwave or on stove. Let sit for about a minute. Add various herbs and spices to taste. Then toss in your tomatoes and up the heat / put back in microwave for a couple minutes. Stir. Squash the tomatoes. Low heat for a couple minutes / back in microwave for a min. Stir / heat until desired consistency.

If you want thicker: add flour or cornstarch. Thinner: add more milk or some water. You can blend it or strain out the tomatoes if you dont want chunks

There ya go. Use with grilled cheese, tortillas, chips, bread, or just as soup. Enjoy

^ made on stove