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Oh ok so it turns out ive been borrowing grief from the future ! it turns out ive been preparing to lose the things i love rather than basking in the light of them while they last. Maybe i should nt do that
I hate linguistic anthropology. Why? One of the most influential experiments in linguistic anthropology involved teaching a chimp asl. One of the most influential linguistics is named Noam Chomsky. You know what the chimpās name was?
Nim Chimpsky.
Fucking monkey pun.
And this is in textbooks, in documentaries, everywhere. And everyone just IGNORES THIS GOD AWFUL PUN cause of how important the experiment was. But
BUT LOOK AT THIS SHIT. FUCKING NIM CHIMPSKY. I HATE THIS WHOLE FIELD.
Thereās a group of very important genes that determine if your body develops in the right shape/organizationā¦ they are called the hedgehog genes, because fruit fly geneticists are all ridiculous. Ā The different hedgehog genes are all named after different hedgehogs. Ā And then someone decided to get clever and name oneĀ āsonic hedgehogā because this is just what fruitfly geneticists do.
Well sonic hedgehog controls brain development, and now actual doctors are stuck in the position of explaining to grieving parents that their childās lethal birth defects or life-threatening tumors are caused by aĀ āsonic hedgehog mutationā.
And this is why no one will invite the fruit fly people to parties.
Biogeochemical scientists, upon discovering the complex mechanisms that govern the storage and use of molecular iron on our planet, decided to call this cycleĀ āthe ferrous wheelā. Ā We groaned about that for at least five solid minutes.
Particle physicists went out of their way to call a particle a WIMP (weakly interacting matter particle) just because its weak so now you have physicists saying stuff like āone of the candidates for dark matter are wimpsā
"i think i did good!" you said, little happy twitches on your fingers.
your friend, who had been waiting outside the halls for a while, looked at you. a bit annoyed, of course, she had left barely a few minutes into the exam - she was extra sure that the failing mark would be as big as her workout hours. still, she assured you that of course you did well on your exam; you had been studying since forever, spent hours on end trying to remember every formula, every theorem, every single little thing that could be included.
even then, a small portion of your mind wandered back to the room still filled with students - he was still there, looking at his paper and you couldn't help but wonder if all you did was wrong. he was smart by default, you on the other hand had burnt out way too quickly.
"i gotta run," your friend said while taking all the things she had on the floor with her and reaching for a small kiss on the cheek, "say bye to the others for me".Ā
you nodded, still smiling.
you waited for the rest of your friends, all still inside and doing their best to score at least a passing mark; it wasn't like you didn't have any faith in them but you tried your best to help them, yet none of them was interested enough in their academic life.
so after a bit, the three of them came out.
"i'm so gonna fail this class."
"i think i'll get a passing mark if god likes me a little bit."
"you also put 43 on the two-b, right?"
all of you headed to the bus stop.
you hadn't seen taehyun yet and while you thought you did well on your exam,Ā it bothered you that he still hadn't come out. maybe you didn't do that great? maybe it was harder than you thought but your mind simplified it way too much? why didn't he, ace-of-the-class taehyun, come out?
"yeah but if you think about it, they were missing one..." your friends were still discussing one of the points, but you couldn't bring yourself to pay enough attention. your brain went over all the points on the exam, revising them and comparing them with the mock test.
"it couldn't be 43, it's way too much, i got 16 and it's more reasonable than 43," chaehyun said a bit annoyed, locking eyes with you. a bit puzzled you tried to wire back into the conversation.
"i got that in the mock test and i'm pretty sure it was right," you replied, sunghoon backing it up with a nod. "i could be wrong though, i'll check it once i get home."
"there was a mock test?" she asked, looking rather pale.
the small chat about the test was cut once the four of you spotted the bus. just in time, you saw how taehyun and his friends made it to the stop.
this part, you thought to yourself, was the worst part of taking an exam this late in the afternoon; not only your unitmates but also everyone from the other class-units were waiting for the bus to arrive (and every other student taking late classes, college was just something else).
"i don't know, it wasn't that hard," you overheard him say to his friends, smile latching onto his every word, "still, i think i'll tune in on some soccer match or something, i don't know."
of course.
"don't you have to complete that thing in math, tho?" one of his friends asked, laughing around, "i was right next to you in that lecture and i couldn't understand a thing."
you took another step, hearing beomgyu and sunghoon say something about setting a study session.
"it's not hard, i'll do it maybe this weekend? scratch that, make it monday," he said, "i'll relax tonight, and tomorrow too,"
"you've been relaxing all year, shut up."
you finally stepped on the bus, now almost filled to capacity and saw the single seat in front of your friends empty; beomgyu was just behind you, and you thought that maybe he needed to be closer to your friends than you did, so you took the nearest one empty, still away from your friends.
taehyun and the rest of his group were all seated behind you, and you couldn't help but try to block what they said; this wouldn't help one bit. not him saying all these subjects were easy, when you spent days on end sheltered inside your dorm room with papers sprawled on your desk; nights awake memorizing, revising, writing and taking notes over and over again; the times you cried because your brain just could hold anything; the thoughts of how badly you were wired and how dumb you must be to not understand anything - you couldn't help but think about how you were putting your heart and soul on only two subjects because you were too stupid to make the full course.Ā
and he just talked about how easy college was.
about how this test was just about paying attention to lectures and class.
about how math was just about thinking a bit.
about how dumb you must be to not understand simple physics.
about how chemistry was just logic.
about-
"bye, sweetie!" chaehyun said, getting off the bus with beomgyu. right, they were going to the movies to wind off the stress from the test.
sunghoon waved them goodbye before gesturing you to take the seat next to him. you took the chance to get away from the group of boys behind you before anyone could take the seat.
"you know you're not dumb, right?" he murmured just as your backpack was in place.
of course he could tell.
"let's not," you said, still smiling, "i'm happy, so let's not."
he, however, didn't let this one slide - you could tell, as his eyes drifted to your back where you knew taehyun was (you heard him laugh, you heard his friends call his name, you heard them still), that he knew exactly what you were thinking. "you're not dumb,"
you left out a sigh, preparing yourself for the conversation ahead - the way home was still long.
"i know," you said, not believing it, but using it as a way to cut short his lecture about self-worth and self-love and all that bullshit, "you're not dumb either."
he chuckled, and by his face you could tell the wasn't buying it nor enjoying your response, "he doesn't define your worth nor your intelligence nor whether or not you should feel guilty about meeting your basic necessities," sunghoon didn't stop, just made sure you were still listening, "you were on the top five of your class when you graduated highschool, you're one of the smartest, most hardworking people i know and just because he doesn't do shit to achieve academic praise doesn't mean you're less than him."
oh, but you knew this wasn't true. taehyun was smart; smarter than the average and you, of course, were just average. "he was top of his class," you muttered, "he wasn't just 'in the top five', he was the top of his class - he was number one, valedictorian worthy, ribbon deserving," you didn't stop there, just made sure sunghoon looked you in the eye, "i was straight a, he was straight a+ - my worth is defined by how much i can get, his by how much there is to get."
sunghoon looked rather mad, pissed at your words and the way you talked, and yet he kept running his mouth as if you hadn't told him all you had to say.
"he's math smart," he said, "yes, he's math smart and so what? he's the perfect engineer, he's cut for this, he choose what he's good at, he's probably gonna be valedictorian by the time he graduates college and you're still going to be 'only the top five' but do you know why?" he paused, sorted his mind and continued, "you could be at the top if only you had chosen what you were good at."
"i'm not-"
"you taught yourself three languages and can speak them naturally, you can deduce a dialect and mimic it just by hearing it once, you can manage grammar rules, you can write an essay in four different languages perfectly," he was getting pissed and you could tell, "all that effortlessly, and now you're putting hard work on math-based subjects. do you know how smart you are? you're language gifted just like he is with math, and now you're putting your heart and soul on something that some can only dream of."
"that's-"
"i don't give a shit about whatever you say about taehyun, he's not even half-deserving of all the praise you are; you choose this knowing it would be hard, he chose it because it's the only thing he's good at."
you looked at him, now mad about his words, as if he was insulting you instead of him; as if it wasn't about making you feel better, "it won't change anything," you said as the bus came to a stop.Ā
he sighed, defeated once again after having the same conversation over and over. the next twenty minutes were filled with silence; him looking out the window, you playing with a loose strand on your shirt. (taehyun had stopped laughing, now chatting softly with one of his friends once most of them had gotten off on their stops - it's not like you cared).
once the main square came into sight and the streets appeared to be busier you knew you were just in the middle of the city, the stop only a couple of meters away and the both of you got on your feet, following everyone who needed to get off there. just as he was going down the steps, you called him out "i know you wanted to make me feel better, thank you."
he didn't look any happier, only waving goodbye and you took that as an accepted apology. he gestured to an empty seat on the back of the bus for you to take and you did, taehyun changing for one near the middle now that almost every seat was empty.
you thought about everything as your own stop was approaching, about kang taehyun, his friends and your own. about the privileges he had, about him and the wealth behind him, about your own family breaking their spine to fund your studies. you thought how you were gonna tell your parents that you failed the past math exam.
your stop came, and as you were leaving the bus, you locked eyes with him.
thinking about how when you experience a lot of shame in your formative years (indirectly, directly, as abuse or just as an extant part of your environment) it becomes really difficult to be perceived by other people in general. the mere concept of someone watching me do anything, whether it's a totally normal activity or something unfamiliar of embarrassing, whether I'm working in an excel spreadsheet or being horny on main, it just makes my skin crawl and my brain turn to static because I cannot convince myself that it's okay to be seen and experienced. because to exist is to be ashamed and embarrassed of myself, whether I'm failing at something or not, because my instinctive reaction to anyone commenting on ANYTHING I'm doing is to crawl into a hole and die. it's such a bizarre and dehumanizing feeling to just not be able to exist without constantly thinking about how you are being Perceived. ceaseless watcher give me a god damn break.
When the setlist came out and "The Alchemy" was on it, I posted that I wondered if the song might actually be literary alchemy. Now that the new album is out and I've seen the lyrics, I have to say I don't think it is. I have a few thoughts, though. Here are the lyrics.
This happens once every few lifetimes
These chemicals hit me like white wine
What if I told you I'm back?
The hospital was a drag
Worst sleep that I ever had
I circled you on a map
I haven't come around in so long
But I'm coming back so strong
[Chorus]
So when I touch down
Call the amateurs and cut 'em from the team
Ditch the clowns, get the crown
Baby, I'm the one to beat
'Cause the sign on your heart
Said it's still reserved for me
Honestly, who are we to fight thŠµ alchemy?
[Verse 2]
Hey, you, what if I told you we'rŠµ cool?
That child's play back in school
Is forgiven under my rule
I haven't come around in so long
But I'm making a comeback to where I belong
[Chorus]
So when I touch down
Call the amateurs and cut 'em from the team
Ditch the clowns, get the crown
Baby, I'm the one to beat
'Cause the sign on your heart
Said it's still reserved for me
Honestly, who are we to fight the alchemy?
These blokes warm the benches
We've been on a winning streak
He jokes that it's heroin, but this time with an "E"
'Cause the sign on your heart
Said it's still reserved for me
Honestly, who are we to fight the alchemy?
[Bridge]
Shirts off and your friends lift you up over their heads
Beer stickin' to the floor, cheers chanted 'cause they said
"There was no chance trying to be the greatest in the league"
Where's the trophy? He just comes runnin' over to me
[Chorus]
Touchdown
Call the amateurs and cut 'em from the team
Ditch the clowns, get the crown
Baby, I'm the one to beat
'Cause the sign on your heart
Said it's still reserved for me
Honestly, who are we to fight the alchemy?
These blokes warm the benches
We've been on a winning streak
He jokes that it's heroin, but this time with an "E"
'Cause the sign on your heart
Said it's still reserved for me
Honestly, who are we to fight the alchemy?
[Outro]
This happens once every few lifetimes
These chemicals hit me like white wine
The words "the alchemy" appear several times, but always in the same phrase, "who are we to fight the alchemy?" Why use that somewhat esoteric word rather than just "chemistry" or "destiny," both also three syllables? The short answer is that I think she wants to be more indirect, mysterious, but that her intended meaning is pretty close to "destiny."
What Is Alchemy?
There have been some pretty wild takes on this in the TTPD discourse--and maybe some of them even align with what Swift thinks. But if you want to go back to the original meaning of alchemy in the Western tradition, Michael Maier's diagram on the creation of the Philosopher's Stone is a good place to start (Atalanta fugiens, Emblem 21).
The alchemist (on the left) joins together the Male Principle of the Work, who corresponds to fire and air, sun, red king, heart, etc., and the Female Principle of the Work, who corresponds to earth and water, moon, white queen, mind, etc. The Male and Female are opposites. Their reconciliation and joining creates the Philosopher's Stone, a red or red-purple stone. The alchemist then projects that Stone onto base metals to convert them to gold.
(The popular idea of alchemy is that the alchemist bends over and boils a chunk of lead in his cauldron and converts it directly to gold, omitting the creation of the Philosopher's Stone entirely.)
In any case, the key idea is that the alchemist is in charge; the Male and Female Principles are passive in the process. It seems that that idea survives in Swift's line "Who are we to fight the alchemy?" In other words, she and her partner are destined to be together by forces beyond their control.
She could have simply said ""fight destiny"--or "fight our destiny," to keep the same number of syllables. But she didn't. What else does she get from using the word "alchemy"? Most fundamentally, alchemy is transformation. If she knows that, then the song is suggesting that the lovers coming together is transforming them, elevating them to gold.
I'm sure this is a coincidence, but in the two lines before "Who are we to fight the alchemy," Swift's lover is marked as heart.
Cause the sign on your heart
Said it's still reserved for me
As noted above, "heart" is a defining characteristic of the Male Principle of the Work. She doesn't define herself as "mind," though, at least not in this song. (You could read her reference to knowing Aristotle, in "So High School," that way.)
Another coincidental alchemy reference is in the line "ditch the clowns, get the crown." The Male Principle is often called the Red King (and the Female Principle the White Queen). You could read this line as her telling her partner to get the crown of the Red King. Or, you could just say it's a reference to the Super Bowl.
Trismosin, Splendor Solis.
If you believe that the song is about Travis Kelce, then the Kansas City Chiefs' colours being red and gold work wonderfully well with alchemy: red, the colour of the Philosopher's Stone, and gold, the objective of the alchemical process.
I think Taylor and Joe's relationship boiled down to the fact they were incompatible on a lot of fronts. Physical attraction isn't enough to hold a relationship together. He seems to be an introvert who doesn't want the Hollywood lifestyle and invasive attention that comes with it, and he's struggling with his mental health probably more than anyone realises. But Taylor obviously knew at the time and seemed to show scant support making it about her, that's she's the one who's suffering because he's depressed. It's also basically calling him selfish etc. Yes, it's hard on the people around you when you're struggling with depression but to write a song criticizing your partner for having depression is shitty. She could have wrote a song which was well balanced and sympathetic and nuanced showing both sides the impatience and pain you feel at not being able to help them, how they tire you but you hold on cos you love them and they need you. Instead it's just all about her how he should be grateful he has her and he needs to snap out of it and fast. Depression doesn't work like that. No wonder he didn't marry her. Because he could see she had no sympathy or understanding for his suffering at all.
Well said, anon. Itās important to know how to treat your partner if they struggle with depression and Taylorās writing proves that she wasnāt able to act in an appropriate manner. Sheās very self centred and rarely thinks about his perspective.
Youāre right. They seem too different. She loves the fame while heās an introvert that doesnāt care for the cameras. Heās also much more private than her and thatās ok.
Importantly, their principles differ quite significantly. Taylor credited Joe with encouraging her to be an activist because it was something that was important to him. However, on her own, Taylor doesnāt care about activism and ābeing on the right side of historyā. This is a key difference in their characters and ultimately makes them incompatible.
Disappointed but not really surprised. TTPD is now a double album, a bloated mess that rambles on with no end in sight. This really needed an editor to trim it to the good parts, but she's surrounded herself with yes-men so that's never gonna happen. Both the music and lyrics are nothing to write home about, with exceptions that are few and far between.
The focus on MH is jarring, as well as her teenage mindset at her grown up age of 34. Get it together girl. Wanting what is forbidden, quite obviously cheating on JA, at least emotionally, the determination to stick with MH even though he's an asshole because he's a bad boy and the one who got away that she's apparently been fantasizing about for years - just *barf*. At least I'm relieved it's not a JA slander album as many fans on this hellsite were convinced it was. (I'm sure they'll twist the MH songs to be about him, somehow, of course, but idc about that. Live and let live in delusion, and all that.) The London boy is sleeping soundly. Or, he would be if strangers weren't sending him and his family/friends death threats for no longer dating another person they don't actually now.
She let the rabid stans attack Joe for so long and used the speculation for album promo but all she revealed was - he had mental health issues that inconvenienced her as she wasn't the center of all his attention (she's the queen, as she states in one of her songs) and he wouldn't marry her (he wasted her youth - as if she hadn't wasted his, and as if he weren't younger, with less financial or social power - I don't know what she's moaning about, no one forced her to stay if she was unhappy). The resolution of their relationship was mutual, and, in the long run, benefited him much more. After seeing her behaviour in 2023/24 I can just say he dodged a bullet and I hope he finds peace and someone who actually loves him, not just a warped idea of love, like she seems to have.
The first half of the album is her throwing a tantrum because people wouldn't let her fuck the nasty man in peace. The other half is better, though, with more thought out lyrics, but the original feels like she published rambling diary entries that should've stayed private. I don't know what she thought she did - well, she thought she wrote poetry, as per the album title, but she, in fact, did not - but I guess she knows people will eat up whatever shit she throws out. I saw Sheffield wrote a glowing review for RS, and a lot of people on here bending into pretzels in order to praise her genius songwriting and to find some "proof" that Joe is an asshole and that he cheated and that Taylor is a precious, innocent, helpless baby girl who just keeps getting hurt. Boohoo.
And that song about Kim - really? Just get over it, it's been years. Gloating how North is a fan and will listen to hate songs about her mother? Not cool. She's such a mean girl. Cassandra was unnecessary too, but it's way less in your face so I can let it slide... but c'mon. 2016 wasn't as catastrophic as she and her fans made it out to be, and she's just been milking it ever since to rile up the stans (she's said sth about or alluded to it on every album since rep) and wall herself off from any criticism, even when it's really warranted. I guess she doesn't realize this shit will lead to an even bigger crash and burn, and one she might not so easily come back from.
Oh, and not the billionaire pushing the million versions of the album with the exclusive songs and then just putting them all on streaming right away? The way she bamboozled the precious fans she so loves. :)
In conclusion, she's lost her marbles and this is just a product of a mid-30s woman never having had to actually grow up and mature so every tiny thing that happens to her is the end of the world. She is consumed by the mythology she created of herself, and her fans, as well as people she surrounds herself with, keep blowing smoke up her ass - she's now invincible, the best ever, the most powerful, the mastermind, the queen of everything; but also never at fault and always the victim in every single situation.
It's a 5/10 album at my most generous, and maybe her and I are parting ways. Being 4 years younger than her, I cannot believe how pubescent and petulant she sounds and how she is refusing to grapple with things and grow. But, she seems more into business than craft these days and she knows what buttons to push to get people to give her money and praise her. So, good luck to her, but I have a feeling it won't be too long before I'm reading articles about her fall from grace, and that one might just be the final nail in her coffin.
P.S. I needed to get this out, put my thoughts down, but I'll probably delete it at some point, I don't actually want it staining my blog aesthetics.
In some ways this album feels so extremely taylor because of how raw and illustrative it is with the powerful imagery and metaphors, but in other ways it feels so sterile and unfamiliar and ... cold. There's a general "sameness" to all of the songs - which isn't to say they all sound the same - but sonically, structurally, they are all very very similar. It's hard to explain how it's both the most vulnerable and most distant album she's released. It's an autopsy of her emotions and her relationship but she somehow feels incredibly far away. None of this is either good or bad, just me trying to grasp how this album makes me feel
while itās a good album (the ball is still rolling and is yet to settle on a court), quite literally none of the songs live upto the ātortured poetsā title. there are songs on debut a la Taylor Swift (2006) that are more along the lines of tortured poetry and maybe this is because taylor swift is a billionaire and she sings like she knows she has a billion dollars, there is grief, doom in her songwriting but there is Not the hopelessness of the tortured poet!
My brain is on fire same I canāt sleep and am thinking of this:
The way she writes about marriage/family/commitment through these different situations across the album is soooooooooo interesting.
You have a very intense first experience of it in āThe Manuscript,ā where it is first dangled in front of her/the narratorās young, impressionable self as shorthand for real love in a situation that ended up being smoke and mirrors. Sheās being told everything she wants to hear by someone who basically thinks itās just foreplay. In the end, when itās clear that the other person has no intention of actually making a life with her, it makes her feel used, but she forces herself to recalibrate and become the girl she thinks he and all the other hes want her to be. Easy breezy cool. But thereās a sense of loss in realizing those hopes were merely banter to the other.
You have the āgrown upā version of it alluded to in āSo Long, Londonā and āHow Did It End?ā, the years of putting in work to save a relationship and the ādeflation of our dreaming leaving [her] bereft and reelingā leading to them ācalling it all off.ā The implication is clearly that they built a home together with plans for next steps at a point in time, but the commitment is shattered. (Obviously to me it sounds like marriage.) Sheās bitter at spending her āprimeā years with someone who ultimately didnāt want to be there, even if he couldnāt or wouldnāt admit it himself.
She felt like she did everything she was supposed to, but they were learning the right steps to different dances at as it were. Those dreams were at one point shared, but in the end they werenāt right for each other and she admits that, though bitterly (āI founded the club sheās heard great things aboutā eg the years she put in for him to help him grow up will end up benefiting his new lover, ābut Iām not the one,ā āyouāll find someone,ā etc.). Mixed in with all this of her resentment of him wasting her youth (sacrificing herself at the altar), and his resentment of her for reasons less defined, and insinuations of betrayal in the shadows. The fantasy of the whole package disappears into the ether, yet she still has no answers as to how they got there.
Then in comes the wolf in sheepās clothing in many of the rest of the songs, the one who promises her all those things sheās dreamed of since she was a kid instantly. After years of moulding herself to other menās desires, someone comes in and tells her exactly what she wants to hear at the most vulnerable time of her life, as though the universe is answering her prayers, like some sort of cosmic payback for all sheās suffered, and itās the most intoxicating drug of all. Sheās gone from her wish for a family life feeling like sheās in a way being used for her body, to it being used as a chain to a relationship gone sour, to having someone put a metaphorical ring on her finger and tell her he wants to have babies with her, fuck those other guys.
In her grief and stupor, itās too good to be true, which is exactly why she falls for it. But of course, itās all an illusion, because this wolf is an amalgamation of the worst of all the men who came before him. He tells her everything she wants to hear not to make her dreams come true, but to make his. He takes the worst parts of these scenarios to make his move: heāll stand by her, heāll commit, heāll do it out in the open under the spotlightās glare (all things desperately lacking in her last relationship), but after he beds her he stabs her in the back in private and leaves her. He got what he wanted at the expense of her losing everything she wanted, this time as her world caved in seemingly for good. She feels like she gave up everything she thought she might have had for a chance that this is where the universe has been point her all along, only to be left broken for good (you represent the loss of my life as I knew it).
Then there are two sort of codas to this. In āBut Daddy I Love Himā we get a sassier reimagining of āLove Story,ā where the girl with the scarlet letter is mouthy and crass and tells everyone to go fuck themselves for cursing her in the first place, choosing her love above all else. And no, those haters canāt come to her wedding. Her daddy may have come around, but they sure canāt. Finally it seems someone is choosing her and will someday give her these things, and sheāll be able to show all the naysayers. (Also interestingly one of the more fictionally-veiled songs which ends happily vs the diaristic ones that donāt.)
Then of course thereās āSo High School,ā our first glimpse into what the future holds. Probably the only unabashedly happy (nayā¦ electric?) song on the album, itās all about reclaiming the buzz of youth (which is a whole other post) with a new lover. āAre you gonna marry, kiss or kill me? Itās just a game but really, Iām betting on all three for us two.ā Itās, er, a direct nod to a certain now-infamous interview, but again, sheās staking her claim on her future, if not certain then at least hopeful again. This time the prospect doesnāt come with a ābut.ā Itās not, weāll be pushing strollers but actually youāre too young. Itās not, we had these dreams for our future but actually I canāt move forward. Itās not, Iām going to promise you a ring and a baby but only until my needs are met and then Iām out. Itās, I know what I wanted and Iām not leaving, and thanks to that now she stays too.
The album dealt with the theme not at all in the way I expected, but is absolutely fascinating.
oh shit here we go again @a7yya5 - Tumblr Blog | Tumgag
