I feel like a fraud. I regularly do disability advocacy and have done multiple presentations some in front of hundreds of listeners about intellectual and developmental disabilities (which autism is included under), but I still can’t advocate for myself when it counts. I frequently need to seek emergency care either for my physical disabilities or severe mental illness. When this happens I am completely reliant on AAC. This isn’t a bad thing as it means I’m able to communicate, but it makes medical care so much more difficult. But even with AAC I struggle to communicate with doctors. And I am overly compliant with them to the point of causing myself harm. For example not fighting back when people say I need to go to psychiatric inpatient even though I know they are unable to provide me adequate care as an autistic person and usually further traumatize me. Or not pushing back against an unsafe discharge where I was having constant tremors that temporarily improved with medication but returned immediately when I got home. I talk a big game about how people with developmental disabilities need autonomy and deserve to be listened to. But I can’t even speak up for myself. Logically I know this isn’t my fault and a part of my disability, but I feel very ashamed that I can’t do the thing people listen to me for in my real life when the consequences are immediate.








