To the friends I haven’t been there for
One of you will read this now, and the others won’t receive this message until much later.
I am truly sorry, and I hope you can forgive me.
Due to mistakes from both parties, my relationship began to spiral downhill sometime last year,
And as hard as we’re trying to make it better....
it’s getting worse.
I know he doesn’t do it on purpose. I know he cares for me. But I feel like a belonging. He doesn’t trust me. I can’t go anywhere. I don’t have friends. I can’t text, call, nothing. I wanted a day to myself today and he said I was acting suspicious. I don’t want to be at home with him unless I can have a drink and fall asleep because it ends in fighting until I start apologizing because that’s the person I’ve always been.
I’m not strong. I’m not perfect. I made some really fucked up decisions. And I’ve tried to make up for them but I can’t. I can continue to try to explain it as I had a bad run of depression and gained a self destructive streak from it, but it doesn’t matter. Nothing I do or say matters.
But he doesn’t leave. He gets angrier and angrier, isolating us from our friends and burning all the bridges he can. God forbid I go see my family, that’s the worst. And I feel like I can’t escape because he’s made me dependant on him.
I feel trapped. I’m unhappy. I Just want to be happy again. I want to have friends and be trusted again. Not worry if every decision i make is going to turn into every mistake I’ve ever made being thrown back in my face.
So for the one friend who might see this, know that I wish I could talk to you. I wish I could get out of this and have a friend again....but I can’t. Soon. I will tell you all this soon, and I miss you so much, but I just can’t right now and I’m sorry.
I hope you’ll forgive me when I’m finally free.
