back on my fuckass bullshit again ranting abt Eva Stratt and Ryland Grace (part 1 | part 2)
thinking more about Stratt and Grace's confrontation in chapter 23, with Stratt's words being so incredibly hurtful to Grace, vitriol of how he's a coward and he always has been, she knew it, she always did. that's why he quit academia, that's why he teaches middle schoolers, that's why he has no relationships—he avoids risk. the words are almost hateful, cutting to the bone because—he is, he is a coward (at least in that moment). i say almost hateful though, because i entirely think she doesn't actually means them, nor do i think she believes them.
while Stratt's right that Grace is cowardly (as all humans are), and acting very cowardly and selfish in the moment, at the same time, her accusations are incredibly unfair to him (and as we are from Grace's perspective and sympathetic to him, we understandably hate her for a while), because he didn't abandon his promising career in academia purely because people didn't like his theory, but was ran out of it (he's infamous for it, as seen by Lokken's reaction upon their introduction in chapter 8). he doesn't teach purely to be worshipped as the "cool teacher" but because he genuinely cares about his students (so much so that he pushes himself onto Project Hail Mary in chapter 4, when he realizes the world that will be left to them, sealing his fate in turn). and most importantly, he's not a coward! just wholly and irrevocably human! with the capacity to be both cowardly and brave—which he is! brave, i mean. he uprooted his entire life to live on Stratt's Vat, to continue to study astrophage, while cognitively knowing its incredibly destructive power—which is why he is on said Stratt's Vat—to traverse the unknown and potentially dangerous aspects of this situation, this harbinger of apocalypse, which is brave, or at least, a risk, which according to Stratt's verbal flaying of him, he avoids like the plague in his cowardice. and yeah, it is his calling, he literally has a PhD in molecular biology and specializes in the field of speculative extraterrestrial biology to the point where he could have led the field, so like, yeah, you'd be pretty stoked to hone in on that (when he first got onto the carrier he was literally like "I'd spent a blissful week doing nothing but science") especially after a successful(-ish) dip of your toes back into the field (being the first one to discover how astrophage breeds while like. "racing" against a bunch of other top tier scientists), butttt it's STILL a massive leap of faith, a great unknown, uncertainty he plunges into—so he is brave! and has braveness within himself! even before that, again in chapter 4 when he reinserts himself into the project despite running away from involving himself initially and having to be dragged into it, despite being slapped in the face by his beloved fuck-water-hypothesis seemingly being "proven" wrong (technically not proven wrong, just not proven right). he has backbone, he can and does stand in the face of adversity, he can and does take risks (he shows it the entire time he's actually in space on the Hail Mary, despite not knowing the cowardice that led him there. acting brave because he thought he was brave. because he is.)
as for the relationships comment... 1) sometimes shit ain't about that! #aroacerylandgrace 🙂↕️🙂↕️, and 2) god forbid a man has commitment issues ESPECIALLY CAUSE HE HAS THE WORST IMPOSTER SYNDROME EVER!!! like if you're told your one original theory that you believe in is bs all your life and you're stupid for thinking it and it makes you lose any semblance of your job, YOU WOULD ALSO HAVE FUCKASS IMPOSTER SYNDROME FROM HELL. AND THAT FUCKASS IMPOSTER SYNDROME FROM HELL WOULD 1) MAYBE PREVENT YOU FROM GETTING INTO RELATIONSHIPS CUZ YOU THINK YOU'RE NOT GOOD ENOUGH. AND 2) MAYBE, JUST MAYBE, PREVENT YOU FROM WANTING TO GO ON A CRUCIAL RISKY MISSION TO SAVE HUMANITY. I'M JUST SAYIN.
which is also NOT HELPED when Stratt paints it earlier in the chapter that Grace was only kept around to be the tertiary scientist since he just so happened to have the coma resistant gene, as if he's expendable and useless otherwise, a lesser scientist than all the others, that he was just the most convenient person available (as if he wasn't the "leading astrophage authority." as if he hadn't done the work, and made the discoveries over other people. yes, it's luck, it's being at the right place, right time, right opportunity, but that's with most big scientific discoveries, but then you have to be knowledgeable enough, good enough to continue down the vein you've just so luckily discovered).
and while, yes, it is absolute blessing in this post-explosion situation that he just so happened to have the coma gene AND the knowledge required to go as an emergency tertiary scientist, i don't think that's the "only reason" that he's been kept around. because, for one thing, she doesn't even know that he's coma resistant until the flashback in chapter 15, when he's already established as her "science lapdog," present at all the meetings (even meeting Lokken and Redell, which he didn't really need to be there other than "science talk" and because Stratt wanted him there) and major discoveries, and also the only person who she allows backtalk from (chapter 13, Grace tells Stratt that she can't just always excuse her assholery just because she needs to save the world, to which she acquiescences; chapter 6, she asks Grace of whether To Coma or Not To Coma; chapter 8, it seems like Grace's input ultimately pushes Stratt to accept Lokken's centrifuge solution; even back to chapter 4 when he stood up to her, forcing himself onto the project for his children. etc etc). he is seen as her number two (and rumored lover) for a reason, even before they knew that he could go on the trip. i think she so blasé and somewhat belittling about it ("do you think i kept you on the project for so long because i needed a junior high school teacher around?") to try to push him away and keep him at a distance once she realizes she needs to send him to die (if she puts it as pragmatic, she doesn't have to admit that she's fond of him).
BUT ANYWAYS, in the chapter 23 confrontation, she knows she's being unfair, that he's not what she's saying, that she's being harsh. but she's so, so angry, for reasons as i talked about in my previous rants and because he's prioritizing himself over the world, but ALSO because she believed in him, and he betrayed her trust in him. he may have started as a cowardly man (he does literally run from her when she first tried recruits him, she has to basically kidnap him from his apartment), or at least unwilling to take risks, comfortable in life (and isn't that so beautiful? to be wholly and irrevocably in love with living despite it not always being sunshine and roses? or at least, isn't that so human? to cling to living despite the misery?) but he grows as a person over the course of the project, he's one of the science leads, basically the science administrator, able to take the reins, put himself out there, Stratt's number 2, her right hand man. by the end of it, i don't think she thought he was a coward anymore if she ever did ('cause he's not). i think Stratt believed in him, respected him, genuinely believed that he could do the mission, that he would do the mission (for the children, for humanity). the soldier and the kidnapping plan and imprisonment and memory drug were just insurance—a last resort because Stratt never does anything without contingencies.
and his refusal, his betrayal—of who she thought he was, that he really was just a scared little selfish man (human) rather than who she believed could step up to the mission, who she relied upon, anchored in his vulnerability in his awkward charm, shatters the illusion, puts him in a new light. he's not the person she thought he was, not even able to have the fucking backbone to fucking look at her and tell her the fucking truth behind his refusal instead of some weak bullshit excuse about the children (are the children not enough for you to sacrifice your life for hope of their future, Grace?), the truth that he's just scared, scared of dying, scared of fucking up and killing all of humanity, like she's never been scared of holding the fate of the world, of having to hold it up as the apocalypse closes in, of the fast-approaching but inevitable guillotine that will befall on her at the closing of Project Hail Mary as everyone comes to criticize and blame and flog her as the only person who attempted to do something to save their souls. a fate that he's leaving her to continue to shoulder, when she thought he understood her as her equal, that he could lighten just this one load, that they both were on the same page, with the same devotion to the project and salvation of humanity. but no.
her rage, her vitriol, spitting you're a coward and you always will be—it's not just because he decided to be selfish, prioritizing himself over the world, but a deep hurt in the souring of a belief in someone as you're disappointed by their humanity, by their faults. when you realize your heroes are human too. especially because she thought he'd understand, he'd give himself, sacrifice himself as she has (as she would if the need arised and she had the necessary coma gene to do it. she would).
and anyways, it's easier to kill someone when you're both hatefully angry at each other, acidic words flying.
i hate them
