Buck is such an interesting character because it's like he's always actively trying to think... but also avoid having that heureka moment.
On some level he already knows he won't like the end result of the equation he's subconsciously been working on. What Eddie really means to him. Because it might hurt. So Buck's procrastinating, gaslighting himself. Basically doing anything he can do to avoid opening that scary little box in his mind palace, the one with the right answers.
He doesn't really want to understand his feelings for Eddie. He just keeps telling himself they're totally normal, friendly feelings, and hey Eddie is a handsome man, so it's just natural that it's difficult to stop looking at Eddie!!!
So sweep, sweep, goes Buck and explains his reactions under the rug. He keeps telling himself he doesn't need to investigate these feelings because these totally aren't the droids he's looking for. Nope.
So he avoids those discoveries. Sleeps on them. (Unlike Eddie, who couldn't stay asleep and found that box in his mind palace way earlier. And promptly started dying on the inside. "Shit, I actually love him, and he's probably straight. He's only dating women. He says he's an ally. Yeah, he's straight isn't he. FML. Guess I've got to move on.")
Still, Buck also can't really stop himself from gravitating towards Eddie. He just keeps telling himself that it's because Eddie is his bestie, and of course he cares about his best friend!!
But still... When Buck was coming out to Eddie, he was hyper vigilant of Eddie's reactions.
And when Eddie said nothing had to change between them... it stung. It somehow felt... hurtful, disappointing, to get that reaction, even though Buck pretended it did not hurt.
But maybe for a moment... There had been some vague idea of hope, gathering.
But Buck has perfected the art of explaining his emotions away. So once again he quickly swept those feelings; anticipation, disappointment, pain, all of it... under a rug. Came up with alternative reasons for feeling that stuff.
And then he ran to his next bandaid. And kept clinging to it like it was a life-raft in a storm, the only thing stopping him from drowning.
But the problem is... Procrastination and distraction techniques only work for some time. That rug? It's getting awfully bulky. Lots of stuff swept under it over the years. At some point... He'll trip over it. And can no longer pretend that stuff isn't there.
I think that's happening now. Or perhaps already did. Either way, Buck's head is spinning.
"Okayyyy eyes strictly ahead, I can't just ogle my best friend! Damn do I kinda want to though... But that's fine, it's totally normal that I want to look! It doesn't mean anything, I'm just bi, and Eddie's like a 10, of course I want to look.
...But I can't, he's my friend. ...Omg WHYYY isn't he wearing pants?! Who just opens a door not wearing pants? Eddie, apparently. Is this what Eddie always does when he's home alone?! Just runs around not wearing clothes?
Oh my god... did I interrupt something...? Okay, don't open that door. Nope. No! NO!
Can I. uhh. Tell him to put on pants or will that make it more awkward?
Fuck, and he's so chill, does he even remember that I'm bi?! Of course he does. But he's straight and cool with me being bi. And confident in his body. So of course he doesn't even care that he's putting on a show for me. Omg. I actually can't tell him to put on pants now. That would just make it weird. And it's not weird. It's not! We're just mates, chilling. No dress code."
"Oh... He's really moving, isn't he. Then I won't see him that often.
Of course I won't, El Paso isn't that close. How many miles is it, to El Paso? Oh. Fuck. So many... How often will Eddie be able to visit? How often can I visit? When do we have the time, the money, to travel that distance? Oh. Probably not that often.
Oh... I think I'm losing Eddie. This is what happened to Red. This is the start. We'll see less and less often. Eddie will find new friends. Maybe a girlfriend, a wife. Maybe he'll even have another kid, kids.
We'll end up drifting apart, bit by bit. This is it. I'm losing him. I'm losing him."
