suicide kids @anangelkissfromabove - Tumblr Blog

tears over beers

tw: crude language, mild homophobia, homophobic jokes, mentions of smoking, mentions of alcohol, abandonment, angst, mlm, not a happy ending :3

words:4809

The incident happened many weeks ago now. Everything just seemed so much different from before. Being kicked out by his mum and having to live inside the community centre just instated that more. he’d not even spent one day with the new crowd of people he’d have to spend 6 weeks with before something had gone wrong. he felt so lost, everyone else had something but he didn’t. for gods sake the little creep simon had something cool to boast about if he chose to. but not Nathan, he was just boring old him. He lit a cigarette as he sat outside in the cold, it was pretty dark seeing as the early hour. He looked off at the lake, taking slow drags of his cigarette, the smoke burning the back of his throat as he inhaled, ash falling onto his jeans with each drag. His head was full of shit thoughts, thoughts about his mum leaving him again to “save” her relationship, having nobody want to talk to him. Not even his friends that he’d known since school. He had tried to get along with the people from community service, he thought kelly was nice, or maybe he just wanted to get with her? He wasn't sure, however he’d never really been able to differentiate between the two. Curtis was alright,he could have a laugh with him, he didn’t really care for Alisha. I mean she was nice and all but, he didn’t care. Simon on the other hand, hated that little prick, he was quiet too quiet and that freaked him out.

He snapped out of his thoughts as the tinge of ash from the cigarette began to burn his lips, pulling it away and stubbing it out onto the pavement below his feet. He checked his phone. no missed calls. no new messages. nothing. He sighed, shoving it back into his jacket pocket and slouching back onto the bench. his fingers grazing over the edge of the wood as he contemplated everything. he thought of begging his mum to let him go home, to let him stay, to leave jeremy and live like the old times, the good times. he ultimately decided to forget about, deciding he had now way of changing her mind. he took a second before standing up and stretching, he spotted someone walk past and gave a small awkward smile before heading back into the community center, through a small window in the back. he truly hated having to sneak about just for comfort and a roof under his head. he could use a shower and a fucking shit, but he wasn’t going to get that here. It just wasn’t home.

As seven rolled around he knew that he’d soon be getting some company. Simon was never late, but punctual. always arriving early, before everyone else, bedsides nathan of course. he leaned against the wall of the locker room, looking through his ipod at all the different playlists he owned, knowing how awkward it would be to be alone with that freak. he never knew how to talk to him, how to not make fun of him, but god he couldn’t help it. all his words seemed so offensive . Simon had never laughed at his jokes, just looked offended. He closed his eyes and let his head rest against the cold tiled wall, and before he knew it he heard a door opening. He let out a soft sigh, opening his eyes and watching as Simon walked in, placed his bag down and opened his locker. not noticing Nathan. It didn't take long for him to get all his things put away, before starting to change into his orange community service jumpsuit. Nathan groaned, annoyed that he hadn’t been noticed yet “jesus! I'm in here, you know!” At his words Simon jolted slightly, peaking behind his locker door and staring at Nathan “sorry, i thought nobody was here yet” he mumbled looking away awkwardly and pulling his jumper back on. Nathan stood up, stretching slightly and scoffing as he walked past Simon, “yeah right, course you didn’t” he teased giving him a dirty look as he walked out of the locker room.

Nobody else had arrived yet,Nathan checked his phone 8:03am he’d still have another hour before anyone else would bother to show up. an awkward hour spent with an awkward guy. He rolled his eyes, watching as Simon walked past and outside, he didn’t care that he’d already started working. He was no way in hell going to spend time with him alone, besides he was hungry. he got up and searched his pockets for some change, finding nothing but an old receipt and some fluff. he sighed resting his head against the vending machine before leaning back and kicking it, once, twice and three times to no avail. with one last kick and nothing dropping, he leaned his head back and sighed, before spotting Simon. “barry! have you got some change? i uh” he paused turning around, “used all mine, stupid fucking thing won’t work” his voice came out in a frustrated sigh. Simon gave a small nod back, ignoring the obvious that his name was in fact not ‘barry’ and walking over. He pulled out a small handful of coins, checked them in his hand and looked up at Nathan, "I have three pound fifty” before he could get a reply, Nathan had already snatched the coins into his own hand and shoved them into the machine. eagerly grabbing what he’d paid for and patting Simon on the shoulder before walking past him. not one thank you said or even muttered, Nathan never said thank you.

He sat down once more, stuffing his face with the crisps he’d paid for with Simon's money. A smug grin on his face as he enjoyed himself. Once more Simon was awkwardly standing by Nathan, "I don’t think anyone else is showing up” he mumbled. Nathan's heart dropped at his words, looking up and raising his eyebrows as he tried to think of an excuse for why they wouldn’t be in. god he wouldn’t be able to survive a day with him. He couldn't even say he had to go home, he had no home to go to. He pulled his phone out, checking to see if he’d had any messages from the others, none. so he brushed it off, maybe they were just late? and continued to eat his crisps. Chewing loudly as he spoke, “they’re just late, Jesus” he looked up, mouth full of food “you got a crush on them or what?”. Simon shook his head, his face red with embarrassment as he stuttered out a short reply “no?”.

Over the next few minutes Nathan sat awkwardly in silence, and Simon lingered by his side watching the doors as if anticipating the arrival of the others. the only sound being nathan’s loud eating and occasional burps. his phone began to ring, desperate to get out of the awkward moment he answered, “kelly, the kellster! why aren’t you here yet. i’ve been fucking stuck with the freak for like two hours..” he tilted his head as he spoke, his voice hushed but tinged with utter annoyance. her voice crackled over the line, audible for nathan, yet simon could only hear the hum of her words. “oh come on! please..” he sighed ultimately giving up on begging for her to come in, and hanging up the phone muttering to himself “for fucks sake” before looking up at simon. his hands were shoved into his pockets, standing just as awkwardly as he always did. “are you just gonna stand there?” he groaned, stretching in his chair and scrunching up the crisp packet. simon shook his head looking back at nathan with his awkwardly shy face, “no, we need to do our it community service” he mumbled playing with a tissue in his pocket as he spoke. nathan stood, rolling his eyes and giving simon a dirty look, he passed the crisp packet to him and walked off with a smug grin.

It didn’t take long for Nathan to get bored of doing nothing. He'd been sitting outside smoking as he watched Simon do his community service for him. Such a wanker, he thought to himself, pulling at a strand of his curls as simon walked over with a rubbish bag. placing it down next to Nathan before speaking, “do you want to get lunch with me?” Nathan looked up, raising his eyebrows, “are you asking me out on a date?” he scoffed blowing smoke as he spoke. quickly shaking his head simon mumbled out a response, “no? i just thought we could get some lunch”. Nathan gave a small grin, before fixing his face and feigning a shocked expression. “i am not your toy boy!” before he could speak again, his stomach growled earning a small smile from simon. “i’ll pay” he spoke softly, watching as Nathan sighed and stood up, “don’t think i like you because of this” he muttered under his breath, walking off without another word.

The walk was awkward, Nathan's face stayed glued to scrolling through nothing on his phone, while Simon tried to spot a place for lunch. He stopped by a small local all day breakfast,it looked pretty run down. graffiti on the side and a few bin bags resting by the door. Nathan stopped by his side, “you’re really taking me to this shithole?” he groaned, he was truly quite hungry, having only eaten the crisps and a small chocolate bar in the past few days and didn’t actually care about where he ate. Yet he couldn’t help but try and make simon feel bad just once more. He pushed open the door and pulled his jacket on tighter as he took as seat on one of the cracking leather chairs, expectantly looking up at simon. simon took a seat himself, pulling out the menu and skimming through it “are you getting something?” he mumbled looking around for a waiter, nathan took the menu. his eyes scanning over the food until they landed on a particularly shit looking burger, sighing he pointed it out “that” before leaning back in the chair and stretching as he waited for his meal.

It took a while to finally be dished out to them, half cold half warm. the perfect microwaved temperature. Nathan looked at his plate, lifting up the bun of the burger before letting it flop back down. Once more he didn’t bother with a thank you, just took a large bite and chewed greedily as Simon ate his own. The majority of the meal was as silent as could be. just the loud obnoxious sounds of Nathan's mouth, and the soft chews of Simon's filing the small place. After finishing their meals Nathan stood, stretching and letting out a groan as he walked off. Simon watched, wondering if Nathan was just going to leave. yet he knew Nathan wouldn’t, he hoped so anyway. He got up and paid, grabbed his things before heading to the bathroom where Nathan leaned against the wall texting someone on his phone. He looked up lazily, spotting Simon “are you watching me?” he mocked rolling his eyes, "I knew you had a thing for me, just can’t get enough of this?” his hands gesture to his body, tilting his head as he spoke in that same arrogance he seemed to wear with pride. simon’s gaze diverted away, looking at the mirror instead of nathan, shaking his head and walking to the sink to wash his hands for no apparent reason, seeing as he hadn’t even used the bathroom. “no i just wondered if you’d left” nathan leaned off the wall, stuffing his hands into his jean pockets, grinning as he watched simon wash his hands “awe you’re worried about me now?” his eyes searched simon’s face, biting his lip slightly as he watched simon shy away. he couldn’t help it, embarrassing others was much easier then being embarrassed, and he’d sure had his fair share of embarrassment.

They both left in silence, Nathan taking the lead as he began walking in the direction of the community center. hands still stuffed into his pockets as his hair bounced with each step. Simon watched him for a moment, before walking behind him, hoping maybe he’d stop and wait for him. But he knew that wasn’t going to happen. He sped up a slight, soon catching up and walking by nathan’s side. he earned a look, one of great annoyance. Nathan had always seemed to walk at a slight angle, maybe it was his height or could he have one slightly longer leg than the other? Due to this his shoulder seemed to accidentally brush against Simon's. He instantly straightened his posture, looking at Simon with a rude expression before rolling his eyes. Simon played it off, pretending not to have noticed, but that small accidental gesture made him want to smile. As awkward as the first walk was, the walk back seemed to be even more. No words spoken, a few side glances and even stubble eye rolls from Nathan. Nobody had shown up in the time they were gone, leaving Nathan alone with Simon for longer than he could ever want. The rest of the day seemed to be the most awkward, Nathan could merely scroll through his ipod in hopes it would pass the time, yet it didn’t seem to change much. as they finished up and headed to the locker room Nathan changed and stood awkwardly, not wanting to leave as he had nowhere to go. but not wanting Simon to notice him stay. Simon was soon finished, grabbing his bag and locking his locker before looking over at Nathan, who looked away trying to act as if he was still busy getting his things. “see you tomorrow” he smiled, his hand clutching the strap of his bag. nathan nodded, an uninterested look painting his face as he expectantly waited for him to leave, “are you waiting for me or something?” he mumbled pushing his locker closed and raising an eyebrow. he hoped to god simon wasn’t, there was no way in hell he’d walk with simon. he had no reason, no home no nothing. so where would he even pretend to go? simon shook his head in response, his smile fading, as he turned around putting his headphones on. he’d tried to make nathan feel less awkward, as he himself felt as though nathan felt forced to be there with him. he brushed off the feeling, heading out of the locker room and looking behind him. nathan wasn’t following. maybe he was busy? he could have someone picking him up simon thought to himself as he walked out of the building.

nathan sat inside the locker room for while after simon had left, still scrolling over his ipod as he slouched in the bench his head resting against the dirty tiled wall. still no calls, no texts. nothing. he rolled his eyes sitting up straighter and stretching. he was so alone. he’d never really complained about being by himself, that was just the way life went. But now, being by himself in the worst possible place he could be. without friends, with nobody to text or call. nobody to see. no money to spend and no food to eat. He dragged himself to the mezzanine level, sitting down on his shitty, thin foam mattress. sighing to himself as he pulled out his last little bits of tobacco from inside his cigarette tin. a carefully rolled his last cigarette, face dull and cold as he stared off the mezzanine level. god he felt disgusting, so messy. not just physically but mentally. he felt so drained, so alone. He had nobody, not even his own mother. and god knows his father is a lost cause. he might the cigarette, taking a drag before laying back on his shitty thin mattress. he once more scrolled through his messages, nothing. god he’d even appreciate a text from simon at this point. but he knew that wasn’t going to happen, for Simon really had no reason to text him. i mean it’s not like nathan had ever tried to show some kind of care towards the poor boy. alas he put his phone down, taking one last drag of his cigarette before pinching the burning end between his index and his thumb and putting it back into his tin. He lay back, closing his eyes and letting himself fall asleep.

he woke up as the brightness of the sun shone through the undoubtedly large windows of community centre.his head banging and his back aching like there was no tomorrow. he sat up, pulling his legs together and looking off the mezzanine. of course nobody was there, why would they be? so he stood, stretching as he took himself to the bathroom to relieve himself. his feet stuck to the pissed stained floor as he pushed open one of the stalls, quickly using the bathroom before he heard a noise. he first brushed it off, putting himself back and pushing open stall door to stare off into the mirror. and then it hit him. “shit” he groaned, quickly heading out of the bathroom and peaking out into the hallway. there he was. that fucking creep. nathan sighed, running a hand through his hair, and muttering to himself “fucking hell”. as of yet, nobody had found out his little secret. that he was in fact; homeless. well at least he hoped, that with Kelly's unhelpful telepathy. simon hadn’t seemed to see him, just walked over to the door that lead to the locker room. nathan grinned, feeling a slight relief wash over him. he took himself back up to the mezzanine, pulling his jeans back on and grabbing his phone, ipod, jacket and shoes. throwing them on before heading out of the building and walking around the block. he walked once, then twice. every few minutes checking his phone. still no texts. not even his mum, not kelly or curtis. he took himself back to the only place he could, the wertham fucking community center. he pushed the door open, walking in with his familiar arrogance and heading to the locker room. simon was there, of course. nathan pretended to have not seen him, grabbed his jumpsuit and began to undress. having been listening to music and scrolling through his blog, simon had been sat on the small bench inside the locker room. he’d initially thought he’d heard something when he’d first got there, but brushed it off. nathan was soon finished. he slammed is locked closed before ‘noticing’ simon. “Were you watching me?” he teased rolling his eyes as he watched simon pull his headphones out. “no,” he spoke softly, looking up at nathan as he let his headphone fall onto his shoulders “i was updating my blog”. nathan noticed his phone. he smirked leaning down and grabbing it. “aha!” he grinned scrolling through the pages of pictures until he came across a picture of himself. his face fell, his cheeks turning a slight red as he looked at simon with an annoyed but almost confused expression. simon immediately looked up, realising what he’d seen. he reached out trying to grab his phone. “when did..” he looks at the picture once more, his face turning to disgust as he passed the phone back to simon wipping his hands off on his thighs, “i don’t even want to know what you’ve done with that” he scoffs walking off and muttering “fucking puff”. and with that he was once again gone.

He paced around the outside of the community center for a while before sitting on the grass behind it. wondering where the others were, if they’d shown up, if they two had seen the pictures Simon had posted. He took his last half cigarette, lighting it and taking a long annoyed drag. He pulled out his phone, looking to see his messages. and finally there was one.

“hey. simon said u was pissed off, u out?”

he rolled his eyes, of course the one time he needed to be alone. she finally wanted to see him. before he could reply, he saw kelly walk over, cigarette in her hand and smile on her face. “you alright?” she spoke her accent muffled slightly as she leaned to sit down. he gave a small nod, pulling his cigarette away from his lips and feigning a smile “yeah im grand” he mumbled, yet his voice told another story. kelly looked over, and sighed “youre a cunt to simon like,” she stopped to take a drag of her cigarette, speaking as she blew out smoke into his direction “he ain’t done nothing to you”. the smoke stung nathan’s eyes a slight, but he looked away and scoffed, “yeah, right. that kid is a fucking creep” he earned himself a slap on the shoulder and looked over at her. his expression softening slightly as he feigned pain, “ow!” he let out a soft chuckle before looking at his dirty shoes. kelly looked out at the community centre, “you know, he’s only trying to be nice like. he’s a good bloke” she mumbled knowning nathan likely wouldn’t listen, “said he saw you, earlier like. guess i’m not the only one who knows now” at that nathan looked over, one eyebrow slightly perched up, “knows what? that i’m a fuck up. well done” he rolls his eyes. “If you want to know everything so badly, then yeah I'm not okay. but i’m sure you already knew that..” he mumbled “seeing as you can’t keep your fucking head out of mine.” Kelly scoffed, putting out her cigarette and standing up, rolling her eyes. “you know what, fuck you, yeah?” Nathan only nodded in response, his cigarette now burning the tips of his fingers as he watched her walk away. And then he was alone, finally. Though it never truly felt as though he was. His head was so full of thoughts, why wont she call me back? Why does he have a picture of me? What the fuck have I ever done wrong? Why can't I just be like them? He sighed putting out his ciggerette before heading back inside the community centre.

The whole day felt awkward as ever, he felt so ashamed for making Kelly upset. For practically shouting at her, for pushing her away. As they all wrapped up for the day dressing back into their normal clothes rather than the stupid jumpsuit, Nathan broke the awkward silence “do you want to go for a drink?” he didn't direct it to anyone just smirked with his familiar cockiness at the group. Kelly rolled her eyes, closing her locker and walking off. Alisha scoffed and muttered “uhm why would i want to have a drink with you?” before rolling her eyes and pulling on Curtis' sleeve, who only gave a small smirk back to Nathan as they walked off. Nathan's face fell slightly, feeling let down. Simon noticed this and smiled “I’ll go for a drink with you” his eyes searching Nathan's face, almost as if testing his reaction to see if he'd just spew hate back at him. Nathan looked over, making a face before sighing “if you're buying them then, whatever” his voice was tinged with annoyance yet there was a slight tone of surprise. He grabbed his jacket, throwing it on, his brain shouting at him to be rude or to make a joke. But he truly could even be bothered to try anything. Simon waited, his bag over his shoulder as he leaned against the tiled wall. He let Nathan walk first, then soon followed after him. The air was cold, and painted with the smell of smoke, not only from the generally polluted air, but Nathan's own cigarette. Simon rarely went out with people, sometimes he'd go out, and see people. To sit in pubs and watch people enjoy interactions he'd never had experienced himself. To watch as people enjoyed dates, even wishing he was one the participants. And this to him, felt like the closest thing he'd ever get. As they reached the pub Nathan looked back, almost as if to check he hadn’t been abandoned once more. before pushing open the door and rushing to the bar top to order himself something, not waiting for Simon.

simon of course paid for the drinks, nathan getting himself rather drunk very quickly. almost as if wanting to drown out the reality that he; nathan young, was practically on a date with the same guy he’d called a faggot many times. Simon was slow with his, only sipping it a few times as he watched Nathan order more and more, “you drink like a girl” he teased wiping his mouth before drinking the last of his glass, Simon just looked away and sipped. He watched as others danced, did their own things. Others who seemed so much more happy than he’d ever been, yet they’d never notice him. Nathan looked over at Simon, noticing his eyes following a group of dancing people. He scoffed and grinned, speaking once more his voice slurred and almost incoherent “you perv! knew you were a panty sniffer” he giggled looking at Simon's glass before taking it and finishing it off. Simon watched a small pout on his lips “I am not a pervert.” he muttered, to which Nathan only grinned and leaned back. “What was that barry?” simon let out a sigh and took his empty glass back, grasping it as he spoke “i said im not a pervert and my name isn’t barry, it’s simon” he watched Nathan's face falter for a moment, and then spoke again, “i’ve told you that, countless times. not even just me! Kelly told you that. I thought you’d at least listen to her seeing as she can hear your thoughts and knows you like her” then he stood, letting go of the glass and walking. Nathan took a moment to process Simon's words in his drunk state. soon standing and following after him, muttering “barry” under his breath. He stumbled out of the pub, using his hand to help himself stand straight against the door as he clutched the growing pain in his side. “Barry, wait!” he called out, knowing Simon wasn’t too far. Simon looked back and sighed, his expression changing as he noticed Nathan struggle to stay standing. “what?” he called out, his voice seemingly back to normal, Nathan let out a small smile and rolled his eyes teasingly at Simon. “I don't hate you or whatever you think” his face fell, suddenly looking ashamed as he spoke “and Kelly's alright, but i’m not in love with her” his hand moved from his aching side, to wipe his face as he tried to sober himself a little more. Simon stood, watching as he waited for Nathan to finish his words. Sighing he leaned against the wall and looked up as he spoke once more, “i like you, but i don’t like that. and I'm scared of it?” he coughs trying to stop his eyes from tearing as the mix of cold air and emotions hit him, “you’re weird and, im supposed to be the ladies man, im supposed to be the one getting all the chicks and getting laid all the time” Simon didn’t speak, just kept watching his face slightly confused yet he looked a tad nervous. Nathan rolled his eyes and groaned, "I can't be gay that’s not who i am? i don’t think that’s what i am” his eyes searched Simon's face, looking for anything that meant he was actually listening. “I'm shit at everything, I don't think anyone likes me. i mean fuck why would you? i’m an arse to you, i want you to like me though” Simon sighed and looked away, his anger lost entirely. “I don't hate you, but I don't like you particularly either” he mumbled “i want to be your friend, we can be friends” his words felt as though they burnt a hole into Nathan's chest, only in stating his pain more. His face turned red and he scoffed, “yeah that’s, that’s what i said” he spoke trying his best not to sound disappointed. “i’m not gay” his eyes met simon’s once more. seeing the uncomfortable gaze that he was met with, he sighed and tried to lean off the wall, "I have to go home, i uh yeah” he smiled awkwardly stumbling off.

“See you at community service tomorrow” Simon called out, his voice hoarse from confusion.

Yet Nathan only looked back, tears staining his face as he stumbled his way back to the place he called home.