Rating "Biblically Accurate" Angels on Biblical Accuracy
I joked about doing this a little while ago but I got pissed off about this again and now I'm going to make you suffer with me.
The biblically accurate angels trend was very fun for a second, because finally people are acknowledging the weird angels in the Bible! Hell yeah! And then it promptly stopped being fun. Cause holy shit, nobody bothers to actually research these things. And I am phenomenally pedantic.
So first of all, let's get this out of the way. What do the vast majority of angels look like according to the Bible?
JUST GUYS. REGULAR DUDES.
Verses like Hebrews 13:2 make it clear that to most people around the time(s) the Bible was written, God's messengers just looked like normal ass people. Some verses describe them looking like Cool Guys (Daniel 10:6), but often people have to be informed that the guys they're talking to are angels.
They're also described, like, hovering, and sometimes people can't see them. So that's cool too. But no mentions of wings.
But what about the fucking cool angels?! We're getting to them.
There are three types of divine creatures (?) apart from standard angels that get biblical descriptions. These are ophanim, cherubim, and seraphim. Everybody in the biblically accurate angels crowd apparently things cherubim are boring, so we're gonna focus on the wheely boys and the wingy boys. Also these memes are so common that I can't find actual sources for most of the art that's been spammed in the memes, sorry.
FIRST - THE WEIRD EYE WHEELS
oKAY, so our only description of these guys (?) is Ezekiel 1:15-21, in which they aren't actually described as being creatures or angels or sentient at all, but rather seem to be a part of God's throne. So scratch all of the sentience and saying "be not afraid" etc etc cause that's not canon.
5/10 - TOO MUCH WHEEL. WHY BABY?
The ophanim are only described as two wheels, not a bunch of them. The wheels also don't seem to move relative to each other at all, so this fun armillary sphere shit needs to go in the trash. Also, why is there a baby? On the plus side, they get points for having eyes on the wheels and no wings.
2/10 - WHY THE FUCK IS IT A MASHUP
Y'all, the six wings thing is a different angel for fuck's sake. Stop just adding six wings to everything and calling it biblically accurate. This one also suffers the opposite problem of the first, instead of too many wheels it's too few. Why only one wheel? Is he missing a wheel? And why are those floating eyeballs there?
We actually have a couple of (conflicting) descriptions of these guys, so I'm gonna go with Isaiah 6:2 because fuck the book of Revelations. But if people add eyes to the wings, I'll give them a pass, because that is a valid interpretation.
Y'all, seraphim have bodies. They have faces. And feet/genitals (I choose to interpret the line about feet as being about genitals because it's both funnier and cooler looking). I demand to see this guy's feet.
The eyes, as I said, will get a pass, although I wouldn't describe those as being "full of eyes within." However, I count at least 5 pairs of wings, which is far too many.
1/10 - YOU HAVE TO BE FUCKING KIDDING
I know this is just a meme, but like, for fuck's sake. Where is this angel's body? Where are his feet???? Why does he have so many damn wings? Why is there a ball covered in eyes in the middle of him?
Honestly I'm just exhausted. Can we get a real angel again?