hello, fan of Trollhunters! What do you think, why Walter fell in love with Barbara? I mean, it's obvious why she was flirting with him (she was a single woman, and she does not know anything about trolls). But he? They are different species! Her son was his enemy! What reason? What do you think?
Well I’m not quite sure myself, but I think he might fell in love with her because no one ever loved him before, because who would? We don’t know much of his past, but he was one of changelings under Gunmar’s control and it doesn’t seem like neither of GummGumms or other changelings are behaving them well, not to mention Strickler himself was a total jerk. I don’t think Strickler had any human girlfriend neither, because he was probably doing work for Gunmar most of his time. So I think at first Strickler was just using Barbara to manipulate Jim, but when she started to show that she enjoys his company and likes him, he suddenly felt needed. That was strange new thing to him, because no one ever really needed him - changelings are replaceable. He was surprised by that pleasant feeling of being loved. And besides, Barbara is actually pretty adorable herself, soooo…
reminder that toby lost his two best friends possibly in the space of less than a few hours. since the time in the episode is hard to tell it could’ve even been less than an hour… and he knows how dangerous the darklands are, he’s probably going to be constantly stressed out until they can find a way to get to jim, on top of mourning aaarrrgghh. basically i have a lot of sympathy for toby and jim’s choice to go into the darklands right after aaarrrgghh died was a very poor one
how can you be happy in a body that no longer brings you happiness? is happiness rooted to the body? it can't be far removed--we are essentially our bodies; they are so fundamental to shaping who we consider to be us.
what i don't consider to be me:
angry, scary, dangerous, mean. male.
i don't consider the things attributed to me because of my male-presenting body to be me. when i am passionate about something and i raise my voice i am not yelling to be scary or in anger. when i'm angry i don't want to be feared, i don't want to cause distress. i'm just looking at you, i'm not thinking about all your insecurities.
years of my life spent raised female are meaningless to people who interact with me. i am not comfortable around groups of men, sometimes just a single dude is stressful.
i don't experience misogynist microviolence: is this good or bad? good, essentially in that i will never be victim to the male gaze again. bad, in that i will never know that feeling as intensely as female-bodied people will: my fear is from empathy, from past knowledge, from conditioning, but not from experience. this reinforces my own dysphoria.
i don't want to be seen as male. i don't want that privilege. its history is disgusting, dripping with rank, vile fluids and permeated with the emotional trauma of millions of humans. it legacy is of violence, domination, conquest, suffering. taking taking taking owning owning owning
i needed someone to articulate this to me before i made permanent mistakes.
my chest will never be the same again. it hurts, it's ugly. my nipples used to be big; not small and perky like i thought they should. they are hard and sensitive now, but small and perky. i feel mangled and i look scarred. how can i love this? how can i be okay with this?
i think sometimes i'll never be okay. i've always felt outside the norm. there is no place for people like me. there is a system that labels us for the sake of discarding most of us and it functions not like how you would picture a "system". there is not a group of people who influence everyone else, no illuminati, no omnipotent cog that runs the show. it is you and me: we are the system and we perpetuate it. i don't think it's possible to escape. i must have a binary gender. i must perform to someone else's standards. i must participate.
i'll go to the woods and i will try to survive. nature doesn't give a shit if i am whatever is male or female. nature is going to kick my ass hard and good.
i'll never be okay but i don't want to die. i think of how painful that would be and i could never hurt someone i love like that. self love is not enough to save me; how sad is that?
i wrote this whole thing and i still don't know: is happiness from love of yourself? how do you do that?
