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@angrynfragile
introducing myself
hello hi
I’m an active ED blog and i follow everyone who follows me. I’ve been struggling with ED for about two years and recently I got diagnosed with depression (which explained a lot of shit in my behavior). I am a 19 year old russian lady and I study linguistics.
this blog is just my safe space and i do not wish to romanticize the shit i’m dealing with, so don’t get me wrong. overall i’m a pretty funny person lol and i love everyone except myself
IT’S OK IF YOU ATE LIKE SHIT TODAY!!!
SOME FOOD IS BETTER THAN NO FUCKING FOOD AT ALL AND I’M PROUD OF YOU FOR EATING EVEN WHEN IT’S DIFFICULT AS FUCK!!!
ED Problems and Habits
* Can’t stop touching my body/can’t stop pinching my fat
* Sucking in your stomach when you’re around people so they don’t see your fat
* Lying too much bc of food
* Body checking in every mirror that you pass
* Also ignoring your body in the mirror so you don’t cry
* Spending all day looking at thinspo instead of fulfilling your responsibilities
* Distancing yourself from everybody
* Having unrealistic expectations and goals for yourself
I feel attacked
* Rubbing your collarbones, ribs, hip bones
* Checking for any difference in your thigh gap
* Trying not to gag while drinking green tea
* Exercising whenever you have a moment of privacy
* Watching Netflix/napping to avoid eating
* Running to the bathroom was lax kicks in
* Curled up in bed crying because of hunger pains
* Doing that thing with your hand around your wrist/arm to see if you can touch fingers together yet
* Waiting until everyone falls asleep to do silent workouts in peace w/out getting caught
*Running to the school bathroom to purge when you’re forced to eat during a fast
* Punishing yourself for having the basic human need of the nutrients that come in food
* C O U N T I N G C A L O R I E S
* Bad sleep habits
* Constantly measuring/weighing yourself
*Sucking in your stomach while trying on clothes to see how much better you’d look in them if you were skinny
* Doing that thing with your hands around your thigh to see how far up you can get your fingers to touch
* Passing out from over-exercising
* Hiding in the school bathroom to keep from being forced to eat
* Over-estimating your calories
* Always thinking about the next time you can measure/weigh yourself
* Being extremely dizzy when you stand up but have to walk it off and act normal so no one suspects anything
* Trying to hide your Tumblr account
* Drinking too much water or not enough
* Always feeling dehydrated for some reason
* Not being able to poop
* Weird stomach noises at the worst times
* Headaches
* Shaking
* Cold. All. The. Time
* Forcing yourself to take the stairs every time you’re given the opportunity, no matter how little you’ve eaten
* Isolating yourself in your room all day
* Going to the grocery store, looking through every aisle, gazing at all the food only to leave with nothing
* Developing not only a fear but an utter disgust for certain foods (etc. meat or even all animal products)
* Leaving class every hour to pee and fill your water bottle up
* Hate seeing/feeling your stomach touch your thighs when you sit down to pee
* Basing your own worth and others’ based off their weight/size
* Can’t go to the bathroom without lifting up shirt to check stomach and ribs in the mirror
* Chewing gum to simply stay focused
* Sleep schedule run amok because you’re so demotivated to anything but the bare minimum these days due to your malnutrition, plus sleeping is a good loophole to avoid eating
* Having no friends because you don’t want to go out with them for food
* Spending copious amounts of money on food only to binge on it and feel even worse, plus now you’re broke
* Taking a body check every day even though there’s no difference
* Purposely weighing yourself at inopportune times to trigger yourself just bc you’re “curious”
* Knowing the measurements of every part of your body, even your toes
* Losing your personality to your eating disorder
honestly didn’t even realize that i did 90% of these things because of my ed… huh
I feel exposed
wow.
I do almost all of those things 😶
Here I am, once again,feeling lost now and then….
shit
Fuuuck
How do you fall back in love with life?
clean your room. clean space, uncluttered space, space that doesn’t have miasma clinging to it can work wonders. clean the dishes. sweep. take out the trash. peel the clothes off the floor and wash them, and then actually fold/hang them. take a long shower. scrub behind your knees. brush your teeth. (this can be utterly exhausting, but try to get it done in a day, if you can. the end result is worth it.)
pull out your notebook. it doesn’t need to be a new notebook, but preferably one that you don’t usually write in, or that you haven’t touched in a while. fuck moleskins. the yellow legal pad will work fine. sit in your room, or in the park, or in the library, and write a list. count clouds. describe all the colors that you see, and note patterns that arise. sketch the cracks in the walls. note the shape light makes when it enters a space. talk about what the air tastes like, smells like. what sounds are there? even the white nose, break that down: air planes, fans, cicadas, anything. remind yourself that you are sitting in the middle of a space brimming with detail. remind yourself that you are not in nothingness and emptiness. your world is fathomless. it has potential.
drink cold water and try to eat something that isn’t processed. it does not need to be fancy. buy yourself an apple with the change between your couch cushions. eat it outside. if you’re someone who walks, walk somewhere afterwards, just to stretch your legs. take your fucking meds. remember that its a good thing that you are inside your body. your body is a fantastic and endlessly intricate machine, and even though society has smacked a bunch of poisonous ideas on it, that doesn’t change its inherent worth and splendor. take care of it.
read a novel. underline your favorite lines, and write phrases that twist your heart inside your chest on the back of your hand with an ink pen. read a novel like it’s poetry. read poetry, something decadent but unpretentious. watch a movie you haven’t seen before. if there are free art galleries near you, walk through one. take your time. let yourself bask. if there are patterns in what makes your soul ache, write those patterns down – marbles arches or soot crumbling bricks or dandelions or descriptions of dresses or whatever it is, write them down.
your chosen family is important. remember, they picked you as much as you picked them. the love has no obligation. it is given freely and it is given from a place of compassion. you are not a burden. if you need to breathe, take a minute by yourself and just exist, but remember to go back to your people. when they need you, listen and be gracious. always be gracious. the universe sometimes remembers things like that.
listen to new music. link jump on youtube or related artist jump on spotify or ask the chap beside you in the cafe what their favorite band is, and listen to that. listen to something that you don’t usually listen to. we tend to tie up a lot of memory with music. we are falling in love again. the soundtrack needs to be specific to that.
allow yourself to indulge in romantics. press flowers in old books. play movies with subtitles and mouth the words. dance in your room. wear something that makes you feel good, even if you wouldn’t wear it in public. write your chosen family letters, even if you hand deliver them. write poetry, even awful poetry. revel in its awfulness. eat dark chocolate and when your chosen family want to go out, try to go out with them sometimes, even if its just to the market.
reblogging for myself because life has been beating me down lately
Same gonna use the shit out of this post this week ^
who knew that treating my depression will result in me not having binges anymore lol
ed things i'm scared of
that the weight loss will take much longer than i thought, because my fitbit is over-calculating my calories burned in a day
that i won't ever have the legs i want, because of how they're built
that i'll mess up even before i reach my ugw, and maybe won't ever get there
that my ugw won't be enough, and i'll need to keep losing weight
that i will gain weight once i reach my ugw, because my metabolism will be fucked
that no one will even care that i lost weight, because I'll still be ugly
this shit s u c k s
my exact thoughts
thank you anorexia for addicting me to cigarettes and weed 🙏🏻😍
Thanks dad
So today my dad told me: “You don’t seem to eat very much… but you’re not skinny so I guess that’s okay”
That’s exactly the problem with eating disorders. They are not taking seriously until you’re dangerously underweight
oh I so wish I had an ana-buddy.. just someone chill who would tell me how their day went and what they ate;;;;; sadly whenever I end up talking with someone they turn it into a competition and I have to leave
I guess that’s why I like reading other people’s posts, them sharing their experiences helps me not feel so lonely!
so the whole weight loss thing is still going, so no worries, I’m as sick as ever ^^’
the problem with me is that I’m all alone during the weekends and I end up binging like a mothefucker and destroy all my progress made through the week.
I feel like I should normalise my eating pattern. I only eat one meal in the morning and never touch anything after that. when I do, I consider it a binge and just lose self-control. just.. overall, it’s not a good way to approach food (lol you don’t say)
so I’m thinking of.. eating more. having a snack in the afternoon. today I had an orange 🍊
it’s scary and it’ll take time for me to get used to. so hopefully my body will get used to it to and I won’t gain any real weight.
sigh.. fuck my metabolism.
Me, when my ed makes me fast for 7 days straight:
self care for when you hit rock bottom
i fucking hate self care posts made by neurotypicals so here’s one from someone who Actually Gets It
-can’t shower or take a bath? me either. dry shampoo can make your hair look and feel cleaner, and baby wipes or makeup wipes work great to get the top layer of grime off your skin.
-can’t wash your sheets and make your bed? i feel you. push your blankets out of the way and shake the crumbs off your sheet. it will at least be a bit more comfortable.
-can’t even change out of your dirty pajamas? been there. hit yourself with some febreeze and a lint roller. if you can, brush your hair. if you can’t, hair ties and bobby pins are fantastic.
-can’t make anything to eat? same. if you can, there’s no shame in ordering food. in fact, it’s probably better you eat something rather than go hungry. if you can’t, try and find something that comes pre-made or takes minimal effort to make. at the very least, drink some water.
can’t respond to messages or reach out for help? yeah, i get that. set an alarm for a few hours from now and respond to any messages you need to once you’ve given yourself time to prepare. if they’re Important Messages that need Professional Responses, you can find fill-in-the-blank format rough drafts on google. as far as personal messages go, don’t feel bad for sending a mass “I’m sorry, I’m in a personal emergency right now. I’ll get back to you as soon as I can.” response to everyone.
-can’t even sleep because it’s so bad? asmr videos always knock me out, personally, but i also watch a lot of bob ross. just try to find something quiet and soothing to use as background noise and take your mind off it, or at least give you a more peaceful environment to think about it.
-can’t go for a walk/drive? try opening the blinds or curtains. you’re still exposing yourself to the outside world. baby steps. (i also play animal crossing or sims; it may be virtual but fuck it. i went on a walk.)
-can’t go into work/school? let people know. let your coworkers or classmates know it’s an emergency and you can’t make it. give yourself up to two days, but then you have to go back. ask to have your work emailed to you so you know what you missed.
-can’t brush your teeth and wash your face? makeup or baby wipes and gum or mouthwash. don’t let yourself physically rot bc you’re rotting emotionally.
-remember that you’ve been here before. if you survived then you can survive now. that’s what this is about- survival. you don’t have to be living your Best Life. right now, it’s more than enough that you’re alive.
This is the only self car masterpost I’ve ever seen that is feasible for severe depressive episodes
Wwwwwoooowww needed this
Excuse me is this my ed talking?
sorry for not posting lol I feel like this website is detrimental to my health
anyway I did a fast yesterday and kinda binged today? I didn’t really binge it was more like I ate more than expected.
it’s gotten easier to control what you eat though. I will fast tomorrow again
