nipple salad

Hi I'm Abi I'm very tired

[she-keeps-me-sapphic]

i feel like pansexuality is really ignored even inside the community, so here’s to pan girls. you are great and cute and pretty and lovely and one of my bffs is pan so i can Scientifically Confirm™ that pan girls are amazing. i mean it. pan girls are genuinely bright and astonishing and beautiful. i love pan girls.

[rochejii]

My friend’s snapchat makes me want to throw my phone out the window

[nateural-deactivated20250921]

That’s only 9 carrots.

[trevenanl-deactivated20200913]

You ever tried to hold 14 goddamn full size carrots in one hand

[tastefullyoffensive]

[celtic-pyro-deactivated20230725]

“This is fine,”

[pepperandpals]

[prokopetz]

Little-known downsides of immortality:

Tearing your favourite article of clothing and discovering that it’s irreplaceable because the technique of its manufacture has been lost

Realising you’ve thought of the perfect comeback to someone who’s been dead for three hundred years

Not being able to eat your favourite dish anymore because the source of some critical ingredient has gone extinct

Having strong opinions about sports that are no longer played

Getting a song from the 13th Century stuck in your head and being unable to get it out because you don’t remember how it ends and you’re the only person on Earth who knows it

Having that perfect pun you’ve been waiting forever for a chance to use stop working due to linguistic drift

[jaidefinichongg]

[constantpains]

@lumpofmoss

[dezemberzwolf]

Hacker voice: I’m in

[fgrobichiko]

(ten tinier hacker voices:“I’m in” “I’m in” “I’m in” “I’m in” “I’m in” “I’m in” “I’m in” “I’m in” “I’m in” “I’m in” )

[roachpatrol]

i should make a low-effort cookbook

like you get those ‘i hate to cook! 101: easy meals for the kitchen novice!’ and it still wants you to make a three-cheese spinach casserole

mine would be like

did you know you can put chocolate chips on a spoonful of peanut butter and obtain the perfect snack

did you know if you crack some eggs into your pasta sauce and stir there’s more protein in it so you can go longer without having to make another goddamn meal

did you know you can mix a cup of cooked rice to any condensed soup instead of water and now you have dinner and breakfast

also put cheese on it

put cheese on fucking everything

and finally here’s a list of things you can microwave in a short enough time that you won’t walk out of the kitchen, go back to bed, fall asleep for four hours, and totally forget you attempted a lunch

[isozyme]

frozen pizza is expensive but!  biscuits in a can + last dregs of jar of tomato sauce + some shredded mozzarella cheese = EIGHT MINIPIZZAS

dump all your chinese delivery into a hot pan and crack two eggs into it, stir, now it is soft and good

if you add a kraft single to mac and cheese from the box it’s magically more delicious (and if you also add hot sauce then it’s spicy)

nachos: chips + shredded cheese + salsa + rummage in fridge in case there’s other things?  and then under the broiler for a minute or two.  if it’s hot it counts as a meal!  works good on stale chips.

an incomplete list of vegetables that won’t instantly rot on you: anything frozen, cauliflower, cherry tomatoes (they get wrinkly but u can still eat them), carrots, onions…i throw away a lot of veggies that have gone soft :(

i love parchment paper.  $4 for a roll but lay it down on ur baking sheet and know you’ll never have to scrub cheese or cookie crumbs off it again.  perfect for cooking with low spoons.  nothing sticks to it!

[ursavorpalis]

also: mug cakes also also: if you cook rice you might as well dump some canned tomatos and canned beans in it. TADA NUTRITIONALLY COMPLETE MEALS in the list of foods that last: apples. apples can last an entire fucking winter. also also also: cottage cheese + bell peppers + crackers = what I ate for dinner for like a year

[leahazel]

1. You cook the rice in a pot. No spices, no nothing, just water oil and rice. 

2. Just before it’s ready, when there’s about a pinkie fingernail’s worth of water on the top, add in a tablespoon of peanut butter. 

3. Stir. Cook the rest of the way. 

4. It’s a meal! It has carbs and protein, it’s filling, it tastes good and it looks and feels like a legitimate dish, which is great for lifting the spirits a bit. 

5. If you feel fancy, add a teaspoon of honey or a handful of crushed peanuts. 

[hagar-972]

Alt., mix the rice with lentils. Cereal (rice, wheat) + legume (lentils, beans) = complete protein. Most people’s bodies will accept that in lieu of animal products.

Since no-one explained how to cook rice: (1) put bit of oil in pot, heat up on medium flame, (2) add 1-1.5 cup rice, mix up and add a bit of salt (you may need to reduce flame), (3) while you’re doing that, boil water in an electric pot, (4) add 2 cup water for each 1 cup rice; reduce flame a few seconds before you do that and mind the steam won’t hit you, (5) cover and set a 20min timer.

Pasta: (1) boil water, lots of water (covered pot goes fast; you can also use an electric pot for a shortcut and bring to a full boil on the stove - experiment), (2) up to 100 gr pasta per 1L water will work, but the more water per pasta the better, (3) reduce flame to medium (light bubbling), add pasta, set time to 10min, (4) check and add time as necessary - you may not need to.

Egg or bean noodled cook faster than pasta - like, half the time.

Easiest pasta sauce: 20-50gr of butter, melt; 1-2tbs lemon juice, homogenize; dump in pasta (and possibly peas, boiled from frozen). Taken 5min or under and will liven up pasta that’s been sitting in the fridge.

Easiest cream sauce: 1 standard (250ml) cream carton, 1 tsp shredded cheese (keeps well in freezer) or more, 1 tbs cottage cheese, spices to taste. Heat in a small pot on a small-to-medium flame while stirring constantly (if it’s too hot to stick a finger in, it’s too hot). Takes maybe 5-10min. Will keep in fridge up to 1 week.

Rice freezes well. Pasta doesn’t. Plain pasta (and most noodles) will last for up to a month in the fridge, though, and just dump it in the pan with some ketchup/tomato paste(+oil + water) and you’re good.

…nobody said that dry onion lasts? Dry onion lasts. Fried onion freezes well and keeps forever. So does diced garlic. If you like ‘em but worried about them going bad/don’t always have the time or spoons to deal with ‘em, there you go.

Fresh bread freezes well. Keep emergency bread in your freezer, sliced. It’ll thaw in the fridge/on the counter overnight, or you can stick a slice as-is in the toaster (just turn it up 1 notch relative to your usual preference).

Potatoes in their peel are the single most nutritious food. (You can, actually, survive on mashed potatoes.) A boiled potato will stay good in the fridge for a couple days. Boil partway (should still somewhat resist a fork), turn over/toaster oven on 150C (350F) or higher while you do the rest, slice potato(s), spread like deck of cards, brush oil over (with the sort of silicone brush one uses for eggs - costs next to nothing and you’ll be glad you got it), bit of salt, stick into oven and come back 20-40min later. Will re-heat well.

All of the following are good in eggs, just (1) dump them in the pan before the eggs, (2) the more you fluff up the eggs the betters: cubed semi-boiled potatoes, sliced/cubed tomatoes, tinned garbanzo beans (<-legume), tinned/frozen corn. Tinned and frozen stuff lasts forever. A pre-boiled potato and a couple eggs will save your ass on a cold, miserable morning.

3 shortbread cookies + 2 glasses of milk = 500kcal balanced dinner. Or breakfast.

1 cup cooked pasta + couple fluffed up eggs + shredded cheese (from frozen) to taste, in a stove-top pan or in the oven for ~20min = full meal.

Black lentils, cooked, will last nicely in the fridge - and unlike other legumes, they don’t need a pre-soak and only take 20min to cook. ½ bowl + 3 tbs oil + 2 tsp lemon juice + ¼ onion = dinner so nutritious you won’t believe it.

Cottage cheese and honey. No really. You only need a couple tsp honey for 250gr cottage tub.

1tbs peanut butter (flat as you can make it) + 3 tbs soy + 2 tbs maple/honey + 1 tsp vinegar = marinade for ~500gr of whatever. Takes ~5min to mix, 20min-2hr to soak, 5-10min to fry (non-stick pan and you don’t need oil). This + pot of rice (<-make while chicken/meat soaks) = lunch for a week. (Or dinner, if dinner’s your main meal.)

A tin of mayonnaise will last for months in the fridge. Hardboiled eggs last a nice while, too. 3 hardboiled eggs, chopped + 1tbs mayo + 1/3 onion chopped = 5min of work and egg salad for a few highly nutritious meals.

Ever make yourself hot chocolate? Make it with milk instead of water, for fuck’s sake. A large cup of hot chocolate is a legit small meal.

[m-winnike]

Buy broccoli and green beans frozen. For a couple dollars you can get a big enough bag of either to get at least 8-10 servings out of it and it keep for at least 6 months if you keep the bag closed. Buy a jar of chopped garlic in olive oil as well. That’ll keep in your fridge for months and adding a little bit to a handful of broccoli or green beans and sauteing(lightly browning them in a pan or pot on the stove) them together until everything is warm is a cheap, easy way to have a flavorful snack or meal. 

Also, ramen, drop an egg and a handful of some kind of frozen veggie(the previously mentioned ones or even some mixed carrots and peas) it adds a lot of nutritional value to your ramen, makes it so much more filling, and makes it have way better flavor than plain ramen. 

Buy a jar of Better than Bouillon. Amazon has them for as cheep as $2.99 a jar and one jar has enough in it to make a couple gallons of broth. Just one teaspoon of this stuff added to 1 cup of water will give you a deliciously broth for soup. Pick your flavor and drop whatever veggies or noodles you’ve got leftover in the fridge and you’ve got dinner. It’s also great to add to the water you’re cooking your rice in to give it some flavor as well. 

Don’t buy boxed Kraft mac and cheese. It may seem like an easy approach but there is a cheaper approach. A 3 lb bag of macaroni noodles is only a couple dollars and you can get a 1 lb bag of the powdered cheese just like in Kraft for $10 on Amazon. I bought a bag of cheese powder that size and it lasted me more than a year and I made mac and cheese once a week. You can also mix it with milk and broccoli and you’ve got a great dinner of broccoli cheese soup. 

My biggest tip for saving money on food is to make things that will freeze well. Say you make a pot of spaghetti. You could get 5 or 6 servings out of a full pot easily, if not more, but you’ll get tired of spaghetti before it’s gone. Stick servings in plastic baggies(which are fine to rinse and reuse!) and freeze them! Then you’ll be able to take out just the amount to eat for a meal and have some back up meals for when you’re loaded down with work, homework, etc and have no time to make a meal. 

[cynicalcrow]

I… Really, reeeeally wish I’d seen this about 5 months ago. So rebloggin now so I can find it again.

[tastefullyoffensive]

[latewithstarbutts]

A more accurate description of Pokémon Go teams.

[tawny]

100% spot on tbh

[pokemonphdalison]

For some reason it never occurred to me that the nose would be good at smelling. Like I always just thought it was adorable. Wow. Imagine Weedle drug sniffing dogs in tiny police vests.

[pokecology]

police weedles gonna find your weed.

[gummifrogart]

[poiplefunguy]

weedles are gonna leave you weedless

[highlandvalley]

[scurrilizzie]

i legitimately cannot stop laughing

[hekacute-deactivated20141230]

Put a pancake on a girl’s head when she’s asleep to keep her warm and safe. 

[blazepress]

[itsvondell-deactivated20180104]

you can take one man’s trash to another man’s treasure but you can’t make it drink

[stack--trace]

Fun fact: the blending of idioms or cliches is called a malaphor.

My personal favorite is “We’ll burn that bridge when we get to it.”

[chromalogue]

I’m rather fond of “It’s not rocket surgery” and “not the sharpest egg in the attic,” but my all-time favourite is, “…until the cows freeze over.”

[suspected-spinozist]

My favorite ever pronoun story has to be one of my German professor’s. He fondly remembers being mugged by a gang of teenagers in Dresden, who used Sie (formal you) the entire time.  

[lord-kitschener]

#0% surprised 100% delighted

[gothicprep]

“support the troops” has become a really bizarre unquestioned thing in america where you can’t say ANYTHING about the military whether it be pointing out that they have no business in half the countries they’re stationed in to the fact that this particular breed of patriotism is used to sell everything from war to professional football

[elonmuskisabitch]

fallout: new vegas fancast: danny devito as caesar

My conquest of the Mojave will be a glorious triumph, marking the transition of the Legion from a basically nomadic tribe to a genuine empire. Just as my namesake campaigned in Gaul before he crossed the Rubicon, so have I campaigned, and will cross the Colorado.