Apologies if you’ve already shared this, but could you tell us more about growing up in a cult?
Oh ho ho, I can for sure share!
It's not as crazy as like, a death cult or sacrifice the virgin to the old gods sort of deal, but I did grow up mormon. And it's become very clear in the last few years that mormonism is a cult. It's just hard to see it when you're inside, especially when you're born into it.
There's all the usual stuff that goes around, about special underwear, not being allowed to drink caffeine (until one day it was actually Allowed, but only for soda, coffee is still bad) and massive stigma about LGBTQ+ people. So I guess I'll just make a list of things I experienced/believed up until my early 20s
-Growing up as a kid in the church, we were taught hymns in primary school on sundays, such as 'I love to see the temple' which includes the lyrics 'I’ll prepare myself while I am young; This is my sacred duty' and Follow the Prophet, which basically tells us to listen to the prophet always and never question him
-Speaking of the temple, it's taught from an early age that if you do not get married in the mormon temple, when you die, you will not be with your family in heaven
-I was baptized at 8 years old. Because the belief is that when you turn 8, that's when sinning starts to actually count
-Baptisms for the dead! An actual practice this religion does. It involves people standing in for people who have died and being baptized. Because if you die without being baptized, you will never be allowed into heaven. So it is the 'duty' of the living members to stand in as a vessel for souls waiting to enter the top kingdom of heaven (there are multiple levels, I'll explain in a moment). The age to do this duty?
Twelve. 12 years old. And they say it's not a 'forced duty' but as a 12 year old, I never got the impression that I was allowed to say no. So, I went to the temple with other 12 to 16 year olds and was told to completely undress, put on the thin underwear given to me by the temple lady and the thick white jumpsuit that never fit quite right. Then, I lined up with the others and one by one, we would go into this room with basically a massive tub held up by gold oxen, and a grown man I sometimes knew, sometimes didn't, would put his hand on my middle back while I stood in the water and he would pray over me, using the names of the dead and then dunk me over and over again. This would happen about ten to fifteen times before I was done.
At the time, it seemed like an honor, even if it felt like nails scrapping across my skin just being in that place. And to even be 'allowed' to do this, each person who went in had to have a temple recommend. Which meant being an underage girl (girl at the time) alone in a room with a grown man, who would ask questions like 'Are you being holy? Are you following the commandments? Have you ever watched porn? Have you had sex with a boy?'
This interview process happened yearly, sometimes more for other things. Keep in mind, these were not trained professionals. These were just Some Guy that was selected to a leadership position. One of my bishops was a dentist. And he was in charge of asking us underage kids about our sexual health.
-Levels of heaven. There are 3 and as a kid, it was explained to me as seeing the lowest level like a tire swing, the middle one a basic playground park, and the top level an amusement park with all the best rides. If you weren't sealed to your family, if you weren't baptized, if you have never even heard of the church, you would never get into the highest level.
Hell was simply called Outer Darkness. Cause hell is a bad word, we don't use that word
-I was often scolded for choosing to participate in high school theater, because there would be performances on Sundays. Not by my mom! By random fucking people in the church. These same people basically shunned me the summer I did a temporary pink streak in my hair. Legit, they would ignore me in the halls, in the classrooms, in the chapel. While my hair had a light pink strip, I was scum.
-Sex and talk about relationships in general were a forbidden topic. The only times it was ever addressed was in the form of warning teenagers that if we so much as touched the opposite sex, then our own bodies would betray us into committing such terrible acts like 'petting' or WORSE. (What was this worse? well /cough cough/ you know). Dating was not allowed until 16 and even then, it had to be group dates. Every time, until you were 18.
-Once you turn...I think 14? I can't remember now, you would participate in events and I am completely blanking on the general term for it, but one of them was reenacting the 'Mormon Trek'. It was a way to remember the pain our ancestors in the church experienced on their journey to utah. So, we were forced to wear pioneer clothes and drag literal wagons for miles. Rain, heat, didn't matter. The year I did it, we had a small group of mostly girls and our two boys 'died' halfway through, leaving us to pull that stupid cart through rain and mud for the last several miles. In fucking missouri of all places. I was so covered in ticks afterwards I wanted to claw my skin off.
Wanna know why they don't do it anymore? Kids DIED. Of literal heatstroke. So they don't do it anymore
-Tithing. 10% of your money. Every month. If you don't pay it, you're not allowed to participate in several elements of church. When I was a teen, my family was so poor that we relied on food from the church. Awful, tasteless food that was meant to be emergency rations, the kind that pack on fat. And still, my family paid that 10%. We struggled and went without and STILL often do. And my asshole spawner will still pay anywhere from 8,000 to 10,000 A MONTH in tithing. Sorry kids, you can't participate in the school trip because we simply must put that money towards the church. Sorry kids, we're going to make you feel like actual scum if you dare to get sick because we can't afford to take you to the doctor.
-It is a literal, actual belief in the mormon church that people with dark skin were cursed by god. Because two 'evil' brothers of one of the 'og' mormon prophets tried to kill him, so god turned their skin black and forced them to be in exile, and all POC are descended from them.
-When I attended BYU, the students would all be divided into different 'wards' for sunday church. We then would have church in random school buildings, where of course, there was no 'reverence'. I remember being super upset at how rowdy the other kids would act. The leaders too would encourage dating among the members, like handing out free ice cream coupons that were only good if you had a date. Because the timeline of mormons is 'Graduate high school, go on a mission (mandatory if you were a boy), come back to college and be married within four years. Ideally sooner.
-The asshole spawner used to go on and on about how there was no point in planning for the future, because (and I quote, these are NOT my words) 'The Mexicans, the blacks and the gays are going to cause a war, there will be so much death, so much suffering and that is the only way to bring the Second Coming'. The Second Coming being when basically the world ends and all those who are 'worthy' get to go to heaven and everyone else dies and goes to outer darkness.
Which sounds like an absolutely insane take. But he would quote the bible, the book of mormon, teachings I had heard my whole life. So looking back, I guess it isn't surprising that I was suicidal in my late teens and twenties. I legit expected the world to end before I turned 30.
There's a lot of other stuff, but I've honestly blocked a lot of it from my mind. It got to the point where just walking into a church building would throw me into a full panic attack. The judgement, the staring, the pretend care from other members. Walking in late to church every sunday because my disabled brothers simply could not move fast enough in the morning would always bring the silent stares and the disapproval from everyone else. If I questioned things, if I dared to try and say that I didn't want to be a mother because I was terrified that my kids would disabled like my brothers, I was scolded and told that it was my duty to be a mother. My patriarchal blessing (which is a thing you get at 18) told me my life's purpose was to get married, have a ton of kids, work in family history and bring the gospel to other people. And if my kids turned out to be disabled like my brothers, it would be fine because that meant that they had a 'secure spot in heaven'. Same as my brothers. Never mind all the pain and struggle that came from all their medical issues, no, the important thing was that they were born, but keep them out of sight, they make other people in the church uncomfortable.
That's it. That was the entire point of me being on earth. According to some random, white old man.
I think one of the biggest turning points for me though was when it was announced that anyone who actively performed 'homosexual sins' would never be allowed to be a member. And if they had kids, if they had a partner with kids, whatever the case, those kids would also never be allowed to be members unless their disowned their parents.
And that hit my sense of justice like a fucking hammer. So, I haven't considered myself a mormon in well over 10 years at this point. There's a lot more to the bullshit that the church pulls, including the amount of money they take from their members under the guise of 'charity and supporting the church's needs'. Yeah, I'm sure that massive mall in Salt Lake City built entirely off of church funds was needed. Or the fact that no one EVER talked about how Joseph Smith had 40 WIVES. INCLUDING A 14 YEAR OLD GIRL and SEVERAL mother and daughter combos. No, cause that would've made for an awkward sunday school lesson.
The church prides itself on it's community. But what so many of those members don't realize is that the point of it is to create a sense of isolation from the rest of the world. The rest of the world is evil and filled with sin, but in the church you are SAFE, you are LOVED.
As long as you do exactly as you're told and never question anything that the old white men tell you.
Fuck the mormon church. I have spent the last 10 years unlearning all of the toxic bullshit that was forced on me. And I'm still not completely free of it. I don't know if I ever will be. I don't believe in god anymore. And even if there is one, I don't want his bullshit heaven anyway.
