aspec blog

kat // aroace and (?)agender // she/they // aspec and general queer content // main @pugz-in-da-rug

[beelas-bees-art]

happy pride month!

[sawed-on-shotgun]

Im glad they made up romance for stories and music but can you imagine how scary it would be to deal with all that for real

[sheila-fernandez]

When asexual individuals engage in physiological intimacy, the motivation differs from that of allosexual (non-asexual) people.

Sensual Touch: Many asexuals enjoy non-sexual, tactile intimacy such as cuddling, holding hands, and kissing.

Responsive Desire: A physical relationship might happen because the asexual partner chooses to engage in sex to fulfill their partner’s needs, out of curiosity, or simply because they enjoy the physical pleasure of the sensations without needing a sexual target.

Masturbation: Many asexuals experience libido (a physical urge for release) and handle it as a purely biological necessity through solitary release, often disassociated from partnering.

Understanding Attraction vs. Drive

Scientific studies highlight that asexual people can physically produce all the typical bodily markers of sexual arousal—such as vaginal pulse amplitude or erections—when shown erotic materials, even though their subjective reports of feeling attracted to the stimuli are significantly lower. This demonstrates that the body's mechanical response can occur independently of sexual attraction.

[augustisautistic]

Before I knew I was aromantic, I said something to my mom that was akin to "I don't want to be in a romantic relationship, but I'd love to have some really close friends that I could hold hands with in public and cuddle with while watching TV and fall asleep next to and tell them that I love them" and my mom just looked at me and went "... I don't think that's a thing" and I thought "well I'm going to make it a thing"

[romance-evil-aro]

"can i identify as aro even if-" you can do whatever you want forever👍

[tenitchyfingers]

“We chose the term “asexual” to describe ourselves because both “celibate” and “anti-sexual” have connotations we wished to avoid: the first implies that one has sacrificed sexuality for some higher good, the second that sexuality is degrading or somehow inherently bad. “Asexual”, as we use it, does not mean “without sex” but “relating sexually to no one”. This does not, of course, exclude masturbation but implies that if one has sexual feelings they do not require another person for their expression. Asexuality is, simply, self-contained sexuality.”

— The Asexual Manifesto, Lisa Orlando and Barbara Getz, 1972

[capricorn-0mnikorn]

Note the date, people:

That’s 1972

29 years before AVEN was started online,

and 47 years before the present.

And that’s only the date that Manifesto was written, so asexuals as members of a community must have existed at least some time before that.

So, no: we are not just Tumblr trenders. Get out of here with that.

[queerhumanbeing]

supporting my asexual friends and foes by rebbloging this

[freyjawriter24]

It’s 50 years this month since the first version of the Asexual Manifesto was written. Aces have been writing about our experiences under this name for at least half a century. We are not an internet fad.

[briarwoodtree]

i don't know who needs to hear this but sometimes you don't need a partner you just need more friends who aren't complete pieces of shit

[nonbinarystarlord-deactivated20]

whenever i see a post about someone wondering how an  asexual and a sexual can be in a healthy relationship there’s always someone being applauded for saying well asexuals can have sex too or just because someone’s asexual doesn’t mean they won’t have sex but i have never, not once, EVER seen someone say well hey, some sexuals don’t have sex. you can have a full relationship without sex. just throwing it out there

[applesandbannas747]

Everyone in the notes saying polyamory and open relationships are great fixes for this too are missing the point. Ace people can have sex—and, yes, some enjoy sex. Yes, open relationships can be loving and healthy for ace people too. But ultimately you’re saying asexuality needs to be fixed by access to sex somehow. To quote op ‘you can have a full relationship without sex’. Your suggestion to find sex outside of the relationship with an ace partner completely misses that point.

[answrs]

sorry but you’re not hiding this in the tags:

#it may be surprising to learn this. but allos can choose to be celibate. famously there are entire religious orders where this is a thing #and a catholic nun who stays celibate her whole life can in fact still have a very full and meaningful life with important relationships #it’s not the end of the fucking world #there are people who don’t drive too. there are people who have never seen a mountain. there are people who don’t play video games. #human experience is too wide to be like ohh if you never do This One Thing then you are sufferinggg like chill maybe

[microwavedasphalt]

i just saw the phrase loveless marriage and i was gonna be like “oh thats so based actually” until i realized it was meant to be a bad thing ✌️💔

[sphxxshthealien]

when i say “aros can still date” i mean that as in “aros can do whatever the fuck they want and it doesn’t have to make sense to you”

but some of y’all say “aros can still date” to mean “aros are still able to fit your standards of an acceptable person despite their abnormality” and i do not fuck with that

[aspecpplarebeautiful]

Got a question for the Aro people! If anyone has a hunch if I could be Aromantic. I am in a committed relationship. I feel drawn to my partner, but mostly still bodily. And I have a safe feeling around him. However any romantic gestures kind of fly over my head, or don't interest me as much. I am not repulsed by it, but rather confused. For example, gifting flowers are seen as romantic, however I question what the h*ck I do with flowers when I receive them. I also feel really bad whenever he is trying to be romantic, I often don't know what to do and sit there a bit awkwardly.

Yeah, I think figuring out if you're alloromantic or not can be a bit tricky sometimes. Romance has a bit of an ineffable quality to it. And it's very individualized, what is seen as romantic or not tends to depends very much on the individual and their personal interpretation of romance.

Romantic feelings tends to be scenario or situation based, there are scenarios/situations the person finds romantic, and would like to experience, and they would like to experience them with the person they're romantically attracted to. This is why when you ask an alloromantic person what romantic attraction feels like, they'll often start describing scenarios. So for example surprising someone with flowers is a romantic situation for some people, or it can be things like growing old together, sharing a first kiss, falling asleep looking at them, etc.

If all of this sounds very alien to you, and you don't have your own scenarios you see as romantic that you think about doing with the person you're attracted to, that could be a sign of being aromantic. Aromantic identity also isn't necessarily anti-romance, some aromantic people may still choose to be in romantic relationships, participate in romantic scenarios, etc. and even enjoy it, but just aren't feeling those specific romantic feelings about it.

Something else that might help you with questioning can be both reading up on aromantic experiences (Arocalypse is a great resource for this, it's an aro-themed forum and they have threads on things like how you figured out you were aro, they also have a good faq.) but also alloromantic experiences. Very often alloromantic culture operates on an assumption that everyone is experiencing the same feelings, so those feelings are very rarely elaborated on. Seeing people describing their feelings can make it a lot easier to see where you might fit on that spectrum.

Hopefully this gives you some direction and some things to think about, but if you have more questions, feel free to send in another ask. And any other aros who have their own thoughts/observations they'd like to share, please do!

All the best, Anon!

[deadinthename]

Sigh

[sleep-deprived-lesbian]

growing up as a cis girl the patriarchy told me “you’re a girl because of the way you were born, there is nothing you can do about this, you have no say in your gender” and i hated being a girl because it wasn’t my choice it was a prison and the trans community told me “you’re a girl because you say so, your view of yourself is the most important thing, if you change your mind that would be ok” and it made me proud to be a girl and feel empowered in my gender and i wasn’t trapped anymore and then terfs come along and tell me “you’re a girl because of the way you were born, there is nothing you can do about this, you have no say in your gender (but like in a woke way)” and they somehow expect me to be on their side?

[sleep-deprived-lesbian]

if you respond with some terf shit im blocking you lmao

[loltaku-braindead]

I’m so happy someone wrote this because I feel the same was as a cis girl. I felt pressured to be feminine and went full nlog because I felt too ugly and fat to be “feminine” and I was in an academic setting where it’s a nono. Then the trans community was so proud of their femininity it made me feel gratitude for being born a woman. Trans youtubers empowered me to buy my first skirts and dresses and I no longer felt “stupid” for doing it. I took another colleague that felt “stupid” for being feminine dress-shopping once and we’ve been friends ever since and she now dresses up all the time and tries to feel cute and feminine and I’m so happy to see her like that. The trans community destigmatized being feminine for cis women more than any girlboss feminism I’ve seen and we owe it to trans women.

[cocklessboy]

A trans woman was the one to make me realize I was a trans man. I’d always thought all girls hated being girls, that being born female was a terrible curse we all just had to endure. And then I met a trans women who was so, so fucking excited to be able to wear skirts and cute tops and makeup at last, after years of fighting for the right to get on HRT. I saw the pure joy she felt as she did a little twirl in a skirt and I realised being female isn’t bad. It’s not bad at all. I’m just not female. And I can experience that joy, too. And then I got my HRT and my voice dropped and I got hairy and I learned what it was to be happy with your gender. It took seeing a joyful trans woman twirling in a skirt for that to happen for me.

Thank you trans women.

[fuchsimeon]

I feel like this also might be relevant.

I’m trans but there is a special joy I experience when cis people experience what gender euphoria feels like, how fun it is to adjust your expession even if you identify with the gender you were assigned at birth. Cis people unlocking gender+ is so good because it shows how the trans experience can enrich lives and just… spread joy and happiness <3. Stuff like this makes me happy

And in a great mobius double reacharound in return cis people dressing/expressing themselves by not confirming to gender stereotypes also helps trans people who can’t pass or don’t want to including butch/masc trans lesbians and femme/girly trans men <3

[nibblemon]

[ID: A screenshot of a twitter thread by @/JoCat105 which reads: “the understanding of “trans people don’t need to ‘pass’ to be considered the gender they are” made me realize that wait a minute if trans people don’t need to pass, cis people don’t either right? and that has helped me explore myself so much without fear of not being a “real” man

i guess what I’m saying is kind of thank you for all the trans folks who encourage being who you are in spite of what society tells you. I know it’s not the same with cis people, but it’s at least helped me feel more comfortable in my own skin. yall are good role models” /End ID]

[aranock]

It makes me deeply sad when cis people put their resentment at their own gender onto trans people who experience euphoria for having the same gender. I love getting to see cis people doing the exact opposite of that. I think everyone benefits from examining their gender and finding what makes them euphoric, from realizing there are no rules and seeing that not as a destruction of their experiences but as an oppurtunity to construct a more healthy self conception. If being a woman doesnt require resenting being a woman, is that not permission to free yourself from the resentment, a freedom to love yourself and your gender with reckless abandon? I hope more cis people can learn this lesson. I know its one I have imparted to people in my life, and benefitted from when I received it.

[tbposting]

I cannot begin to express how beneficial it has been to my comfort and happiness in my own gender to know and speak to and see and hear and be in the presence of trans people.

Nobody showed me how to love or enjoy my masculinity until trans men did. I didn’t even know that “enjoying” it was an option! *gestures at gender* You mean this fucking thing is more than just a set of imposed requirements I get to feel bad about failing to live up to? I didn’t realize until later how fucking lonely it had felt to be a man who had been assigned his gender without being taught how to think about it.

I owe a debt of gratitude to trans people, to trans writers, to trans artists and activists, because their experiences helped me finally see myself as a man for more than just the amino acid accidents in my cells.

Trans people and trans thought has helped liberate me from oppression in my own gender, I don’t know a world where I don’t have a moral duty to push for their liberation in kind.

[partywithponies]

I love vague labels that make people go "but that's confusing" or "but that could mean anything" Good. Keep guessing lol

[partywithponies]

"Queer doesn't actually tell me anything" who says I wanted to tell you anything. Who even are you.

[kristianasquill]

You know what? Forget the discourse. This is no longer my hill to die on.

You wanna ship canonically aspec characters because “aro/ace people can still date/have sex”? Okay, then. LET’S DO IT.  I wanna see an aromantic character with an alloromantic love interest. I wanna see that confession of undying love and the moment when the aro character says they will never feel the same way—not romantically.

I wanna see the asexual character with their allosexual partner. I wanna see that moment when the ace characters tries sex with their partner for the first time because they want to make them happy only to realize that they are 100% sex repulsed.

I wanna see the two demiromantics who don’t even know if what they feel is romantic attraction, but they adore each other and just want to make healthy snacks together and destroy each other at Mario Kart.

I wanna see the two aces who love sensual affection and are figuring out what they define as sexual or not.

I wanna see the romance + sex neutral aroace who happily and consensually does whatever makes their partner happy…but their partner still struggles with feeling undesired. 

Oh, babe. You thought shipping an aspec character would be just like shipping an allo character? 

[h3xt0r]

We need more ships where it's romantic for one half and platonic for the other and both parties are aware and ok with this

[arowitharrows]

tbh I really dislike how aphobia tends to be discussed whenever there's some kind of incident that makes it visible to general society. The most common response seems to be some variation of "why would anyone hate asexual/aromantic people, they aren't even doing anything" and it just always sits wrong with me. It paints such a passive picture of our existence and feels like a comment influenced by the level of invisibility that aspec people have in society. Why would you be annoyed by someone who is practically invisible? Just go back to ignoring their existence, it's easy!

But despite the invisibility, aspec people are actually doing quite a lot of things that will piss off queerphobic, right-wing and religious people (and hell, even left-wing people). And the most obvious point is that we are actively not performing heterosexuality the way they want us to. People who's entire world view is "cis men and women should be in monogamous, heterosexual marriage and have (white) babies" are not going to lean back and say "oh but those asexuals and aromantics are fine". They will also hate our guts, and they will come up with all sorts of reasons, including insinuating we're all secretly into bestiality, or mentally ill, or not human, or attention seeking children. It's just plain old queerphobia, and like all queerphobia, there's no inherent logic to it which you can worm your way out of by "not doing anything".

And like, there's a lot more that aspec people do which people hate. Raising awareness about amatonormativity? People feel attacked, they hate it. Asexual people having sex? Or not having sex? People hate it! Aromantic people being in (seemingly) romantic relationships? People fucking hate it! Aromantic people having sex? Ohh people hate that!!

I guess the existence of aphobia can be confusing when you haven't spent much time thinking about asexuality and aromanticism, but in the end, these are identities that aren't heteronormative and they will be hit with the same or similar bigotry as any other queer identity. I just get tired of this response after seeing it recycled for 10 years without ever seeming to go any further.