i wish i (could've) loved you

kris 💙 20 💙 sideblog for mental illness 💙 aromanticism 💙 aesthetic

[margomoment]

Me: (minding my own business)

OCD: what if you hurt that person? What if you've wanted to hurt someone this whole time you just don't do it beca-.....

Me:

[lyricallymnded]

one million ways // icon for hire

[eliamatrell]

when mitski said “it’s like i’m sending out messages in bottles, but very picky and stubborn and selfish in that i only want the right person to receive it. i want to connect, but i also want to be left alone.”

[lyricallymnded]

don’t wait up // john floreani

[askanaroace]

Hello! I wondering what does aplatonic mean exactly. Does it mean you don't get squishes? Or that you don't want/need friends? Or that you don't want to be in a QPR? I've seen several definitions for that word so I'm confused...

I don’t know who started passing around this mis-definition, but thanks for asking to get it cleared up! It is definitely A Thing™ right now that people are re-defining words when the word they needed already existed. D:

Aplatonic means that you do not really form platonic relationships/feel the desire to form platonic relationships. An aplatonic person commonly has acquaintances and family (including non-related people they come to see as family), though this isn’t a strict part of aplatonic’s definition. So, simply by definition of aplatonic, no, we don’t really get squishes, but that’s not the standard definition.

Someone who doesn’t desire a queerplatonic relationship is someone who experiences “nonamory” (which is not the limiting definition of nonamory but a big part of it).

I have a tag here which I’ve gotten pretty in depth on what aplatonic means (mostly, I’ve reblogged people who’ve been aplatonic longer than I and were more involved in aplatonic’s coining and evolution - as well as reblogged the original post where someone brought up being aplatonic). There’s some good reads!

And here’s a good post on nonamory! I should go find some more to queue up, though.

I hope this clears it up? Let me know if you have more questions!

x

[arovolutionary]

An aromantic writing challenge?

Would anyone be up for something like that? Tentatively calling it “Aromantic Writing Month” or “AroWriMo” in my head. Was thinking it could be one month a year, and people could suggest/vote on prompts/themes in the lead up.

Sort of feeling like February could be a good month, since it’s pretty much the most amatonormative month of the year. But it could be any other month, or more regular than that?

Not sure how to start something like that, nor do I have all the details worked out, but I think it could be really fun, and a way to get aro rep and themes out there! And get our fix of the (good) aro rep a lot of us crave. I was thinking we could either have one (quite broad) theme for everyone to approach, or a few different prompts/themes that people can either choose or be assigned. Not sure if it should be like NaNoWriMo in that all the writing should occur in the month, or just be shared/posted then - obviously people have differing abilities/time. Format wise, people could have fun with it. Short stories, poems, novels, comics, songs, fan works, narrative games - any kind of writing pretty much, so long as it includes aro themes and/or characters.

Anyone up for this? Any suggestions/advice on how to get this started? Any other thoughts?

[asjfjldfjkldslkjdfskl]

illustrated some words by Halina Poświatowska, tr. by Maya Peretz, from “I Am Dazed by the Beauty of my Body”

[aromantics-anonymous]

watching euphoria is such a ride, it makes me a little self-conscious ngl

firstly with Rue lying to everyone so she could cover up her addiction. the second i saw that i got second hand anxiety, remembering all my lies so i could keep self-harming and starving myself :/

then the fights with her mum, or how she lashed out at her friend for defending her when she couldn't speak in public

then the part where the drug dealer refuses to sell her drugs (anymore) and she's so desperate she starts insulting him in any way she can think of. that also left a bitter taste in my mouth

idk, maybe it's just projecting, but i can definitely see myself in rue (in the worst way). it's just, weird. to see those behaviours in 2nd person. in a way, i guess i understand the reason why my brother hates my mood swings a bit better

[twoseatsaway]

Potentially Dating Someone??

Sharing in case someone relates.

I’m thinking of asking someone out? The thing is, I don’t feel romantic/sexual attraction for them; I can kind of see potential for a relationship with that dynamic. But I keep going back and forth about it because I know I don’t feel for them in that way. Potential isn’t the same as the present. Additionally, I’ve spoken to them several times about how I experience attraction and about my gender and they are completely understanding and even relate. And I feel safe around them.

Has anyone else who’s aroace or just ace been in this situation? Wanting to try based on potential, but not actually feeling that way about them? I want to try because I think it could be worth it. I’m still trying to figure myself out.

[aromantics-anonymous]

i think you should go for it. especially if they understand and respect your identities. you could end up realising you like being in relationships. or you might figure out it's not for you, period

but regardless, you'll still figure out things about yourself & how to navigate relationships

[surrealist-lyricist]

No Care - Daughter

[cryptid-corpse]

[liquidlikecats]

If you're aro and loveless,

It's okay. Love isn't fundamental, it isn't something you need to be human or to be valid. It's okay if you don't love at all.

[aromantics-anonymous]

so for the longest time, even before i knew what aplatonicism was, i felt it was my responsibility to try to force myself to have "normal" relationships and attachments to people

i'd say part of that is because of my lack of identity. or, better said, it's close sibling: feeling like, because you're nobody, you could be anybody

so, i felt like, because i could be anybody, it was my responsibility to be the Healthiest and Most Normal i could be

but, after discovering aplatonicism and trying to think about the question "why would you identify as a mental health problem??", i think i finally have my answer

a little backstory: i believe that my aplatonicism (aka it might be different for others), is definitely strongly influenced by my dismissive avoidant attachment style. and while most people with this attachment don't see it as a bad thing, i know it has unhealthy elements to is, such as:

• isolation and difficulty asking for help

• difficulty trusting people

• difficulty opening up

• dislike looking inward / analysing their feelings

as well as many others. those symptoms, i do want to change, because they affect me negatively. in fact, for the most part, i am at least on the right track to changing them

what i don't want to change, however, is the way i feel, or better said, don't feel, about people

because the only cons to that is i feel alienated sometimes and confused some others

whereas the pros are incredible:

• i don't depend on other people for who i am

• i don't need them to talk to me for me to feel well

• i don't get (m)any feelings about others that could distract me from my life (as positive feelings can cause distractions too)

and i'm sure there's others that i'm forgetting

tl;dr: i ID as aplatonic because i am it causes more positive feelings than negative ones. oh and because aplatonicism, in and of itself, isn't a mental illness /symptom, at least in my opinion (it doesn't causes problems for my functioning, it doesn't make me feel bad, etc)

[aromantics-anonymous]

Man, I feel that. Sharing personal information and that it doesn't bring me closer. Though, for me, I didn't have a qualm or care about the information in the first place. I have no self reservarion.

personally, i stopped caring about it after some point too. i got bored of having to go through to motions to get friends, so i just greet them with the weirdest stuff from the beginning now 😂

[alto-tenure]

Aplatonic/greyplatonic/etc people: How is platonic attraction defined? Does it just apply to QPRs, or does it apply to all platonic relationships?

I think I might be greyplatonic.

But I’ve always been an extrovert. I love getting attention, I derive happiness from conversation and I enjoy supporting my friends and care about them but I’m really not sure if that’s platonic love, and if I can still be aplatonic spec. But I’ve never really formed deep friendships with anyone (aside from one toxic person) and I’m terrified that if I’m somewhere on the aplatonic spectrum, where does that leave me as a person?

I don’t really want any sort of intimate relationships, even if they aren’t romantic. I haven’t sought that out from anyone, and I never really form close bonds with the people I consider my friends.

Just admitting that my thoughts about the sheer possibility of being greypl is scary, but it might just be the truth. I don’t know.

[arrtypo]

I’ve always defined platonic attraction, for me personally, to mean ‘feeling a pull towards others that makes me want to be their friend’. About the whole ‘qpr or all platonic relationships’ deal, that’s actually something that’s being discussed and I won’t get into the nuances here. I’ll only speak from ‘platonic conceptualised as friendship’ perspective.

It doesn’t matter what your personality is because aplatonism is a label for anyone who can identify with ‘not feeling that pull’, whatever that might mean for different people. If you feel it helps you understand yourself and how you navigate relationships, it’s there for you to try out.

Being (gray)aplatonic for me is… I can meet someone I get along with, or who I wouldn’t mind seeing again. But I’d rarely make an effort to guarantee a future interaction, to start a relationship. If we see each other again, cool. but if we never, cool. I’ll still appreciate (or forget, depends) the memory of us hanging out.

I have meaningful platonic relationships but I wouldn’t really call them deep or founded on platonic love. I’m not confident in my ability to be committed, intimate, or emotionally open; those things scare me. Couple that with my asocial tendencies and, yeah.

Identifying as aplatonic has actually helped me. I’ve hated myself in the past for not ‘performing’ friendship like everyone else seems to. Being aplatonic has made me accept me for me; helped me understand my boundaries; and the ways I, well, navigate relationships. 

In the context of the aro community, where friendship, squishes and platonic love are often treasured, I can cling to the aplatonic label with a sense of security about my aromanticism.

That’s what it’s like for me. I’m not immune to loneliness, and it’s still a conscious effort to text friends, but I like being aplatonic.

[aromantics-anonymous]

for me, i'd say it's the "connection" you feel to your friends, which makes them different than acquaintances

personally, i like getting attention and going out with friends, and i enjoy helping them too, but not for them. i'm friends with people and go out because it's something different to do, and i enjoy diversity. and i help them because i like psychology and analysing people

basically, to me, it doesn't matter much who i hang out with, as long as i can talk with them and have fun. whether i just met them, or i've known them for years, it's still the same feeling to me

i'd say that you could definitely be apl OP, and there's nothing wrong with that. i get how it could be scary, but there's also advantages to being aplatonic, though you'll have to find them for yourself

[aromantics-anonymous]

how am i supposed to form relationships with people if i don't feel any different towards them after i share a secret? my trusted sources claim that they feel:

• relief

• trust

• validation

when a person they care about finds out more about them (and has a positive reaction to it)

but, besides basic safety concerns (aka w/e that person is homophobic/transphobic), sharing things doesn't bring me closer to people ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

closeness machine broke ig

[biglesbian22]

I’m sorry but this aplatonic nonsense.. just say you don’t have friends

[oneshortdamnfuse]

Aplatonic is a term that is meant for aromantic and asexual people who have difficulty forming relationships in general. It was introduced by someone who believed their difficulty in forming relationships stems from abuse they experienced, and that they struggled to “love” their friends. (source) 

Aplatonic is especially important for aromantic asexuals to use within the context of aromantic asexual spaces. In our spaces, platonic relationships are greatly emphasized and aromantic asexuals who don’t easily form friendships may feel even more isolated than before. 

Aplatonic is different from not having friends. It has very little to do with the amount of friends you have actually. It has to do with how people feel towards their friends and acquaintances, people finding relationships unfulfilling, and/or people not feeling anything significant towards friends. 

Aplatonic is an important term for asexual and aromantic people whose neurodivergence, mental illness, and/or experiences with abuse make it difficult for them to form relationships with other people. It’s really not okay for you to comment on this, and decide for people what to use and not to use.

#u don’t have to categorize every little thing that makes you who you are #just say ya have a shit personality or you’re a loner or its hard for you to talk to ppl

It’s not your job to tell people how they should “categorize” their experiences. It’s ableist to tell people who are neurodivergent, mentally ill, and/or survivors that they have a “shit personality.” People use these terms to talk about their experiences in terms they understand.

Neurodivergent people, mentally ill people, and/or survivors sometimes do not want to use the same terms that people who hate them use to describe their experiences. Using “aplatonic” may be more empowering to them than having to refer to themselves as loners with “shit personalities.”

I experience mental health problems and I’ve dealt with abuse that has had a visible impact on my personality. Both of these things make it difficult for me to form relationships sometimes. I don’t personally find the term “aplatonic” useful, but I can see how it may be useful to other people. 

I’m not going to tell people what they should or should not use just because I might not find it useful to me. That would be a pretty damn selfish thing for me to do, because their personal journey to understanding themselves and being okay with themselves is not about me… and it’s not about you either. 

The only one with a shit personality here is you, who feels the need to target marginalized people to score exclusionary points. Congratulations. You’ve accomplished literally nothing but perpetuating ableist garbage that disempowers people within asexual and aromantic spaces.