Summary: The super-angsty Twilight-inspired widower arc fix-it no one asked for!
Pairing: Dean x Castiel (mentions of Sam x Eileen)
Warnings: (Temporary) main character death, SO MUCH ANGST, mental health issues, hallucinations, self-destructive behaviour, bad language, semi canon compliant but ignores most of the finale cause fuck that shit
Words: 6,262
Dedication: 🎁 For my incredible friend Ambra. Happy birthday, my love! 🎈💜 @astudyinfreewill
(A/N: if the start of this fic (the only bit that is actually supposed to be canon-compliant) doesn't properly match the finale it's because i refuse to watch that utter trash again so i've written it from memory 🙃 fuck u andrew dabb 🙃)
Dean Winchester had never expected to make it to thirty, let alone forty-one, but somehow, against all odds, he was still here. Somehow, against all odds, he and his brother had saved the world again. Defeated Chuck – literally God – and watched the freakin’ kid they raised become the new God, and bring all their friends back from the dead.
Well, almost all of them.
Dean tries to be happy with what they have. He tries to be happy now that he’s free, but every day his heart grows heavier.
He misses Cas; there’s no denying it. He may not talk about it – something that clearly worries Sam – but he misses the angel more than he ever has before. Perhaps that’s why it’s so much harder for him to speak about it this time. Or perhaps it’s the fact that there is something different about it now, something that makes Dean feel as though there’s no way he can get Cas back. It feels final this time and he has so many regrets about the things he left unsaid.
He still hasn’t told Sam what happened, how Cas had–
But Dean can’t bring himself to broach the topic. Every now and then Sam will make a passing comment about Cas – trying to be subtle, urging Dean to reveal more – but Dean will just swallow hard and bottle up his feelings like he always has, avoiding the question and quickly excusing himself to the privacy of his own room to break down in.
It’s not too long before they go back to hunting; Sam is more eager than ever, but Dean’s heart isn’t in it anymore. He feels old – much older than he is – and tired. He’s lost too much.
(And he feels guilty. Guilty, after all Cas had told him about how everything he did was for love and how he wasn’t a blunt instrument made only for killing, that now he’s finally free he’s gone straight back to hunting. He feels guilty when he catches himself thinking maybe it is all I’m good at.)
i got up at 2 am to get some snacks at the convenience store down the street and opened my door to find you trying to sleep on the floor of the hallway because your roommate has his fiancée over so i guess i’ll lend you my couch for the night AU
my stupid cat sneaked out on the balcony and into your open window and he has this habit of destroying furniture and pissing everywhere so i followed him inside and you came home earlier than i expected and found me in the middle of your living room but i swear i’m not a burglar ok
you left your USB flash drive in the library computer and i had to go through your files to figure out who you are and i ended up reading the entirety of this book you’re working on and wow you’re actually really good????
i was trying to read in the park and your stray football fucking knocked me unconscious
this really cute guy rented the apartment over the bakery/flower shop/store i work at and i keep trying to find excuses to be outside when he comes home
it’s 3 am and you’re blasting off classic rock at full volume and your music taste might be awesome but sOME PEOPLE ARE TRYING TO FUCKING SLEEP YOU SHITHEAD
my best mate somehow fucked up my tv and tonight is the season premiere of this show i really really like and no livestream will work on my computer so will you please let me watch it on your tv i promise i’ll go back to my flat once it’s over
look i’m glad you have a healthy sex life and all but will you please try not to pierce a whole through my ceiling with your bed thanks
2. “Don’t look at me like that I didn’t ask to be the savior in the prophecy!”
3. “I won’t apologize. I did what I had to do to protect my family.”
4. “This wasn’t the plan!”
5. “You sure do spend a lot of time out here.”
6. “Stop it! I can’t just forget what you said! Nothing is the same between us stop acting like it is! How am I just supposed to go back to acting like normal after last night?”
7. “I swear to god if you ruin this for me-” “I know, I know, you’ll kill me, no one will ever find my body, blah blah blah.”
8. “If it weren’t for you maybe none of this ever would have happened! Did you ever think of that? Maybe mom would still be alive!”
9. “I just wish things could have turned out differently between us, you know?”
Send me requests either using the prompts from this list or send me the plot for something you want me to write. These prompts are not mine and have been taken from multiple sources.
Angst:
1. “stay alive, please.”
2. “seeing you with someone else really makes me sick to my stomach.”
3. “I love you, I wouldn’t let anyone hurt you.”
4. “holding everything in doesn’t help, you know?”
5. “Wake up, please wake up.”
6. “you’re bleeding.”
7. “I can’t breathe”
8. “don’t let go.”
9. “I’m right here, I’m not leaving, okay.”
10. “it hurts.”
11. “Just, hold on.”
12. “i’m going to take care of you, okay?”
13. “you can’t die. Please don’t die.”
14. “I’m not good enough for you.”
15. “don’t move, they hit your head really hard.”
16. “it’s just a nightmare. I’ve got you.”
Fluff:
17. “I remember kissing you, why do I remember kissing you?”
18. “are you that desperate?” “for you, yes.”
19. “these days spent apart will only make us stronger, love.”
20. “please just kiss me already”
21. “I think I’m in love with you”
22. “it’s freezing, come here.”
23. “we’re not just friends and you fucking know it.”
24. “I want to marry you.”
25. “apparently everyone has a bet going that we get together.”
26. “I can’t sleep. Can I stay here?”
27. “how much did you drink?”
28. “there’s only one bed.”
29. “is that my shirt?”
30. “steal the blankets again and I’ll put my cold feet on you.”
31. “you’re in love with her.”
32. “how much of that did you hear?”
33. “kiss me.” “what?” “just kiss me”
34. “you’re cuddly”
35. “you want to tell me about it?”
36. “hey, don’t listen to them.”
37. “can you brush my hair?”
38. “I love you. So, so, sososo much.”
39. “come, let’s dance, please?”
40. “you talk to much.”
41. “your lips look cold.”
42. “my tie is too tight.”
43. “i’m not jealous.”
44. “just pretend to be my date.”
45. “let’s just cuddle forever.”
46. “i’m in desperate need of a hug.”
47. “I need to feel you close to me.”
48. “I took your hoodie, and you’re not getting it back.”
49. “if I could, I would kiss away all your scars.”
50. “when was the last time you ate something?”
51. “ah-ah-ah. You’re sick. You need to stay in bed.”
52. “i’ve seen the way you look at me when you think I don’t notice.”
53. “I can’t let you sleep on the floor. Here, get in bed with me.”
54. “why did you choose me?”
55. “i’ve missed this.”
56. “i’ve loved you for years.”
57. “I can’t stop thinking about you.”
58. “I could kiss you right now.”
59. “I love you, but stop talking.”
60. “i’d hurt anyone who ever left a scar on you.”
61. “you’re cute when your half asleep.”
62. “you look amazing tonight.”
63. “it’s late. Shouldn’t you be asleep.”
64. “who cares about what they think.”
65. “ssh. Stop fussing. I’m just braiding your hair.”
66. “here, let’s share the blanket.”
67. “wait, don’t pull away… not yet.”
Smut/suggestive:
68. “fuck buddies are fine right?” “yeah totally”
69. “do you want coffee? Tea? Or me?”
70. “I know what I want, when I want it. So get over here.”
71. “i’m yours, in every way you’ll have me.”
72. “you might not like me, but you definitely want me.”
73. “you’re mine, do you understand? You belong to me.”
74. “c’mere, you can sit in my lap until I’m done working.”
75. “you know you always look so much better when I mark you up.”
76. “you’d better be quiet if you don’t want to get caught.”
77. “the only way you’re getting off is on my thigh.”
78. “are you sure? Once we start, I might not be able to stop.”
79. “you better shut that pretty little mouth before I put it to work, doll.”
80. “no, I’m supposed to be making you feel good.”
81. “your lips make me wonder what the rest of you would taste like.”
82. “it’s been a long day, why don’t we help each other unwind.”
83. “get on your knees. Now.”
84. “make me.”
Random:
85. “children shouldn’t play with guns.” “who said I was playing?”
86. “i find peace in the rain.”
87. “I dare you.”
88. “truth or dare?”
Prompts:
89. Dancing in the rain.
90. Early morning cuddles.
91. Needing to hide from bad guys.
92. There’s people chasing us and I pulled you into the alley with me and wow your close.
93. Kissing in the rain and getting soaked.
94. I need a date for this wedding.
95. Spin the bottle.
96. Having a bad day and the other noticing.
97. Taking care of the other when sick/injured.
AUs - send me a plot you want for these:
98. Soulmate AU
99. College AU
100. Bodyguard AU
101. CEO/Boss AU
102. Coffee shop AU
103. Doctor AU
104. Teacher AU
I want to write. I have ideas. I open document. I type four of the worst sentences ever created in the english language. I daydream the rest of the scene. I close document.
Summary: Dean doesn't cope well with Castiel's death.
Pairing: Dean x Castiel
Warnings: (Temporary) Main Character Death, Internalized Biphobia, LOTS OF ANGST, Spoilers for up to 15.19 - ignores the dumpster fire that was 15.20
Words: 5,221
(A/N: I wrote this pre-finale because I was terrified about what would happen in it, turns out I was right to be. I'm heartbroken. Supernatural really said 'fuck the LGBTQ community', huh?)
(Read on AO3)
“I love you.”
Dean stood, rooted to the spot, in utter shock. Cas loved him? Cas loved him? His head was spinning and, honestly, he had no idea what was going on. His best friend was sobbing in front of him and confessing his love while Death was literally banging on the door. There was too much happening and Dean's brain was not working fast enough to process it. Cas' gaze flickered to something behind Dean and he turned to see a dark, gloopy-looking portal had opened.
On the other side of the room, the clumsy warding Cas had applied finally gave out and the door burst open to reveal Billie standing there, scythe at the ready. Dean looked back to Cas in panic, knowing this would be his last chance to say something, anything, to the angel.
“Cas, I–” he began, but Cas stopped him with a hand on his shoulder.
“Goodbye, Dean,” he said, and before Dean knew what was happening, he was thrown to the floor.
In a flash, The Empty was on Cas – and Billie – devouring them in a flurry of darkness, and Dean was left alone, in the silence of the bunker, with nothing left of his best friend but a bloody handprint on his jacket.
The world was ending, but Dean couldn’t bring himself to get up. His world had been ripped from him, and he had never even gotten the chance to tell Cas how much he had meant to him. Ten years Dean had wasted, hiding his feelings for the angel, when he could have just been happy. A sob ripped its way free from his throat, and once they started, Dean found he couldn’t stop them.
~
Dean awoke with a start, shaking and sweaty, with tearstained cheeks. He had not meant to fall asleep; he had not slept more than a handful of hours since they had returned to the bunker, after stripping Chuck of his powers, as every time he allowed himself to drift off he was greeted by the same nightmare. He wondered if he would ever be free of the memory, of the pain and regret he felt at the words he had left unsaid, despite the fact he had nothing to lose by finally speaking them out loud.
“I need a beer,” he muttered to himself.
In the kitchen he found Sam, on a video call to Eileen, which he promptly ended once he looked up and saw the state Dean was in.
They sat in the war room together, Dean on the floor, leant against the wall, and Sam at the table. They drank to their newfound freedom, to the people they had saved; to the friends they had lost along the way. But no matter how much Dean drank, he couldn’t stop thinking about Cas, the look on his face as the Empty swallowed him, the words he had uttered to summon it–
“What really happened, Dean? With Cas?” Sam asked suddenly, shaking Dean from his spiralling thoughts. “Jack told me about the deal; Cas was only supposed to be taken when he felt true happiness. I know there’s something you’re not telling me.”
Concern was written all over his brother’s features and Dean was just the right mix of tired and drunk and fucking heartbroken that he didn’t even try to stop the words from spilling out of his mouth. “He said he loved me,” he muttered, looking up at Sam with glassy eyes.
“Oh,” was all the younger man said. No hint of confusion, or surprise - or disgust, Dean noted - just understanding.
How can he just accept that? Dean thought, My entire world has been shattered and he says ‘oh’? How does he not have questions?
Dean had questions – so many questions – but there was one that he had been simultaneously desperate and terrified to ask, ever since Cas had said those words; a question to which he was sure that whatever the answer was, it would break him.
“But what did he mean?”
Sam looked at him, one eyebrow raised in confusion, an invitation for Dean to continue.
“Angels… They don’t feel things like humans,” Dean stated, trying to keep his voice even. “So, what did he actually mean when he told me he loved me?”
“It’s been a long time since Cas was like the rest of the angels, Dean,” Sam said patiently, placing his beer down on the table and looking at Dean seriously. “I’m pretty sure he meant exactly what you think he did.”
Perhaps Dean should have expected that to be the answer – Cas had, after all, said that Dean’s love was 'the one thing he knew he could never have’ – but he had been so deeply in denial that Sam’s answer still shocked him. Shocked him, and broke him, like he knew it would; he had let Cas die thinking his love wasn’t returned because, for all these years, he had been scared of what people might think. Scared of disappointing a father he could never gain the approval of anyway. Scared of losing the adoration of his little brother - but the look on Sam’s face made it very clear that he had had nothing to fear.
“You- you knew?” Dean asked, his voice breaking slightly as he held back the tears threatening to fall.
“It was obvious,” Sam replied simply, a sad smile gracing his features, before adding. “You mean to say, you didn’t?”
Dean pressed his palms against his eyes and shook his head, unable to form any more words as sobs wracked his body.
~
Sam looked down at Dean, sprawled on the floor, whisky bottle still in hand. He had sat on the floor most of the night with Dean as he cried, and drank, and cried some more; he had held his brother as he sobbed into Sam’s shoulder, soaking his shirt through with tears. They weren’t usually huggers, but Dean wasn’t usually a crier either – a lot had changed over the last few days.
Sam had watched as the broken man eventually passed out from sheer exhaustion. He hadn’t wanted to move him for fear of waking him up, knowing the state Dean was in he would never sleep by choice, so Sam grabbed some pillows from his room and placed them under Dean’s head.
He thought back to his call with Eileen earlier, when he had explained to her everything that had gone down. He was desperate to see her but he didn’t know what Dean would do if left on his own right now, so had told Eileen he needed to be there for Dean and Eileen had understood, of course. She had assured Sam that she was fine and he could take all the time he needed to look after his brother, and Sam loved her even more for her compassion.
In the days that followed, Sam pottered around the bunker attempting to restore some of its power with spells from the books Rowena had left him. He managed to get the monster radar and alarm system back online and was pretty pleased with himself for that.
Dean was like a zombie, only sleeping when he absolutely couldn’t stay awake or when he drank himself unconscious. Sometimes he started crying over the weirdest things, things Sam never would have even related to Cas. Before, Dean would have tried to hide his pain from his brother, considering it a weakness, but it seemed to Sam as though this sadness was so vast he simply didn’t care anymore.
~
Cas did not know how time worked in The Empty, but he thought it had taken Billie a long time to die. The infection seemed to spread through her body far slower in The Empty’s domain than it had when they had both been on Earth; possibly the creature’s punishment for her unforgivable betrayal. Cas had watched, frozen in place, as her body finally gave out and she dropped to the floor, immediately sinking into a pool of darkness, leaving only her scythe behind.
And then The Empty had turned on him. “I’m so happy I will finally be able to go back to sleep,” it told him. It had been wearing Meg’s face previously, but as it spoke, its form quickly shifted to that of the man Cas had given his life for. “But first, I think you deserve a bit of pain,” as it spoke, The Empty twisted Cas’ insides until he was screaming in agony. “Was it worth it?” The Empty snarled through Dean’s face. “Sacrificing yourself for one man who doesn’t even care about you? Giving up a millennia for a human who will be gone in the blink of an eye… Or sooner than that, even. What you did made no difference; you probably bought him a day, at most. He can’t stop God.”
On and on this went, the taunting, the torture, the constant talk of Dean’s death while the creature wore his face. Cas had no idea how long he had been there, it could have been hours, could have been days – time meant nothing in The Empty. The more The Empty talked, the more Cas started to believe what it was saying. He didn’t regret giving up his life for Dean but maybe, maybe if he had found another way to save him from Billie, he could still be there to protect him, keep him safe from Chuck - help him win.
I shouldn’t have left him.
The Empty threw Cas across the endless stretch of nothingness and Cas collided with something solid.
Curious, he thought, Surely I’m the only thing here?
Another wave of intense pain hit him and he clenched his fists, trying his best to contain the screams threatening to burst out of him. In a brief painless moment, while The Empty taunted him more about Dean’s inevitable death, Cas looked at the item he had collided with.
Billie’s scythe. Suddenly, Cas had an idea. A stupid, crazy idea, but what did he have left to lose? Surely he was dead either way? Picking the scythe up, he turned to face The Empty.
“That won’t kill me,” The Empty cackled, flicking its finger and sending a jolt of pain up Cas’ spine.
Cas gripped the scythe tighter as he grit his teeth, riding out the pain.
“I… don’t need… to kill you,” Cas growled, lifting the scythe towards himself.
Realization dawned on the creature’s version of Dean’s face.
“No,” it screeched. “We had a deal!” It dived towards Cas, sending an intense wave of pain through the angel as it did, but it wasn’t enough to stop him.
With all the strength he could muster he cut into his throat and let his grace drain from him.
There was an explosion of light and Cas felt himself being thrown backwards, through some invisible barrier, as if hitting the surface of water. And then, he finally fell asleep.
~
Dean had been dreaming, for the first time in days, of something other than The Empty taking Cas. Barn walls were shaking around him, light bulbs shattering above his head, and a figure approached with the bluest eyes he had ever seen.
I’m the one who gripped you tight and raised you from perdition.
Dean was ripped from his slumber by an alarm blaring throughout the bunker, Cas’ words still playing in his mind. Dean stretched as he stood up from the kitchen chair he had accidentally fallen asleep in; that dream had been the closest he had found to peace since Cas had been taken from him, yet even in the dream he had not been able to shake the sense of loss and regret.
Dean was unsure how long it had been since they had defeated God – it could have been days or weeks – and he hadn’t left the bunker since they’d returned to it. He knew Sam was worried about him; his random meltdowns over the smallest of things were so out of character it was unsurprising, but he simply didn’t know how to be normal after what had happened.
Dean groaned, reaching for the bottle of painkillers sitting on the kitchen counter as the alarm finally stopped and Sam rounded the corner.
“What was that about?” Dean growled, popping a painkiller in his mouth and downing it with a swig of whisky from the near-empty bottle on the table.
Sam shot him a judgmental look, but didn’t comment on it. “Massive energy spike in Illinois, not sure what it could be but I’m heading to check it out,” Sam said breathlessly, and from the panicked look in his eyes Dean could tell this was something big.
“Okay, give me a minute to get ready,” Dean said, attempting a grin. From the look Sam shot him in return, he didn’t get close.
“I didn’t think you’d want to come,” Sam responded, his eyebrows knitted together in confusion and concern. “You haven’t left the bunker in days…”
“Is that all it’s been?” Dean asked quietly. “Seems like an eternity…" He trailed off as his thoughts wandered back to tear-filled blue eyes and heartfelt confessions. He shut his eyes, willing the pain to go away but knowing it wouldn't. "Anyway," he continued as if nothing had happened. "If it’s that big, you’ll need help and it’s probably time for me to get back to what I do best. Killing things.”
Dean knew he was being less than convincing, but he was hoping Sam would just go along with it.
“I thought that wasn’t who you were?” Sam said softly, and Dean held back a sob as he thought of Cas’ words.
You think that hate and anger, that's what drives you – that’s who you are. It's not. And everyone who knows you sees it.
“Let’s just– Can we just get going, please?” Dean begged, and Sam nodded sadly.
“Meet you by the car in ten,” he said.
~
When they reached the location the monster radar had given them, the sun was setting, its golden rays peeking over the horizon as they exited the car and trudged across the field towards the location pinpointed on their GPS. When Dean finally saw where they were heading to, a sense of dread crept over him. He ran ahead slightly, just to make sure this really was what he thought it was.
Straight ahead of them, framed by the setting sun, was a large barn.
“What the hell is this?” Dean growled, angry, but not sure at whom.
“What?” Sam asked, stopping a few meters behind his brother, worried all of a sudden. “Dean, are you okay?”
“This barn!” He shouted as he gestured towards it. “This goddamn barn, Sammy!” He turned on the spot and fixed Sam with a look that made his heart break a little, before falling to his knees.
“Dean!” Sam shouted, running towards the older man and sinking to the ground next to him. “What’s wrong?”
Tears streamed down his brother’s face as he gripped at Sam’s jacket. “It’s the barn, Sammy. It’s the barn!”
“The barn?” Sam questioned, completely and utterly lost.
“It’s where I met Cas, the first time, after he freed me from Hell. This is where we met.”
Shit, Sam thought, There’s no way that’s a coincidence.
Dean noticed the panic on Sam’s face and tried to calm himself down.
“This is a trap, isn’t it?” He sniffed, rubbing aggressively at his eyes with the sleeve of his jacket. “It’s gotta be.”
“Yeah,” Sam said, helping Dean back up. “This is definitely not normal.”
~
They entered the barn, slowly, carefully, with their guns drawn and their torches raised. The walls were still covered with the warding Dean and Bobby had painted all those years ago, and there, lying in the center of the devil’s trap they had sprayed on the floor, was a body.
“Is that–?” Sam began, before Dean let out a breathless cry.
“Cas?!”
He rushed towards the lifeless body immediately, ignoring Sam’s shouts for him to wait. Collapsing on the floor next to Cas, Dean cradled the other man in his arms. He looked unharmed apart from some dried blood on his neck, and Dean let out a loud gasp when he realised Cas was breathing, slow and rhythmically.
“Sammy!” Dean tried to shout, but it came out as more of a sob. “He’s alive.”
Sam was still standing by the entrance to the barn, his gun still raised as if he expected an enemy to jump out at any minute which was, of course, a logical assumption.
“Let’s get out of here, Dean,” Sam shouted, worry evident in his voice. “We don’t know who else could be out here, just grab Cas and let’s go.”
Dean gently gathered the angel in his arms and followed Sam out the barn, and back to the Impala. Surprisingly, they saw no-one on their way back to the car, a fact which only caused the boys to grow more suspicious.
“It’s definitely him, right?” Sam asked, as Dean placed Cas in the back seat before throwing Sam his keys.
“I’m as sure as I can be,” Dean replied. “We can do all the normal tests when he’s awake but… I think it’s really him, Sammy. There's just something about him... It... smells like him.”
“Smells like him?” Sam smirked, as Dean got into the back seat and laid Cas’ head gently in his lap.
“Shut up.”
~
A couple of hours into the drive, just about when Dean had started to get really worried about Cas not waking up yet, the other man began to stir.
“Dean?” He said, in a voice even raspier than normal, as he gazed up at Dean in amazement.
“Cas,” Dean choked out, running his hand through the angel’s hair, brushing it from his forehead. “Is it really you?”
“Yes,” Cas replied, a pained expression on his face. “But I–”
“Don’t talk,” Dean said, concern lacing his voice. “It looks like you mighta been injured. We’ll be back at the bunker soon enough and Sam’ll have a look at you.”
Cas looked like he wanted to argue but did as Dean asked and stayed quiet.
When they got back to the bunker, Dean helped Cas to his room and left Sam to do the normal tests, and take a look over him with some of Rowena’s spells. Dean waited in the corridor outside, pacing to start with but after a while he sank to the floor, leaning his head back against the wall.
Cas was alive. He couldn't quite believe this was happening, he had been so sure that this time the angel had been gone for good, but somehow he had managed to pull off one last miracle.
Somehow, he had managed to save Dean one last time.
~
Sam exited Cas’ room about thirty minutes later, a worried look on his face.
“Well?” Dean asked impatiently, jumping up from where he had been sitting on the floor.
“It’s definitely Cas,” Sam told him. “And he’s doing okay... but I think you’d better go talk to him, Dean.”
This did absolutely nothing to ease the knots in Dean’s stomach but he approached the door nonetheless, eager to see for himself that Cas was okay.
When he entered Cas’ room he found the other man sitting up in bed, a white t-shirt on his upper half and blankets pooled around his waist. He looked different without his usual attire, more approachable - more human. There was a small mark on his neck, where the dried blood Dean had seen earlier had clearly been cleaned away from, and a cut on his arm where, Dean assumed, Sam had done the silver test.
“Dean,” Cas said, and he sounded much better than he had when he had last spoken on the drive back to the bunker.
“Cas,” Dean answered shakily, trying to control the mix of emotions that had been building in him ever since he saw Cas’ body lying in that barn. Sam had told Dean he needed to talk to Cas but Cas didn’t seem to be offering up any information as to what they needed to talk about, so Dean took the initiative and asked, “How did you escape?”
Cas’ eyes flitted down to stare at his hands and Dean thought he looked almost ashamed…? He said nothing for several minutes, but Dean waited uncharacteristically patiently.
“Dean,” Cas began eventually. “I know I’ve not been of much use to you recently, since I lost most of my powers–”
“That’s not true, Cas,” Dean immediately interrupted, suddenly feeling sick with guilt about how he had treated Cas over the last few years.
Cas gave him a look and continued. “So it may upset you to know… that I am now human,” Dean looked at Cas, wide-eyed and confused, so Cas elaborated. “The Empty is where angels go when they die,” he explained slowly. “Apart from I wasn’t dead, I had just been taken by The Empty. It wanted to put me into an endless sleep, same as with my deceased brothers and sisters – what I had experienced the last time I died, before Jack woke me up... But Billie’s scythe was there and I thought - it was stupid really – I thought that, as I was technically still alive, if I was no longer an angel The Empty wouldn’t want me… So–”
“You cut out your grace?” Dean finished, his mouth agape in abject horror as his eyes fixed on the small cut on Cas' neck and he finally put two and two together.
“And The Empty ejected me,” Cas nodded. Dean's heart pounded in his chest as panic and guilt spread through him, he had caused this. “I am sorry, Dean; I didn’t think it through. I was just trying to get back to you all – to help – but now I realise what little help I’ll be. Even now Chuck's gone - even just as a hunter - if I wasn’t of use to you with my significantly reduced powers, what good will I be to you as a human?”
“Is that what you think?” Dean asked fiercely, swallowing down bile as he thought about all the things he had said to Cas to make him feel this way. “Cas, I don’t care. I don’t care whether you have your powers or not. I just care about you. These last few days, I’ve been a mess. I thought you were gone for good and I couldn't cope. Seriously, man, I’m just so, so glad you’re back,” Dean was close to tears at this point so he trailed off, not wanting to start blubbering in front of Cas like he had been in front of Sam the past few days. Cas shot Dean a small smile as Dean gestured awkwardly towards the door, “I’m jus’ gonna… leave you to get some rest for now,” Dean was sure that Cas would need some, and he was hoping that now Cas was back he would finally be able to get some peace himself.
“Thank you, Dean,” Cas croaked, as he shut the door gently, and Dean got the impression he was being thanked for more than just leaving Cas to sleep.
~
For days, Dean had been acting weirdly around Castiel; unable to find the courage to mention the words spoken before The Empty had claimed him, waiting for the other man to bring it up first, but knowing he would not. Why would he, when he believed his feelings to be unrequited?
Three days after Cas had returned to the bunker, Sam pulled Dean aside and told him he was finally going to visit Eileen.
“You need to sort this out while I’m gone,” his brother told him quietly, gesturing to where Cas sat across the room, reading one of Rowena’s old books on astral projection.
“Sort what out?” Dean replied, trying to act innocent.
“Don’t pull that shit with me, Dean,” Sam growled, eyes flicking briefly back to Cas to check the other man hadn’t heard him. “I saw how you were after Cas died,” Sam muttered, and Dean felt a jolt of pain go through his heart at Sam’s words – even though Cas was back, it still hurt Dean to think about the time they had spent apart. Sam raised an eyebrow at him, clearly noticing the change in Dean’s demeanour. “There you go,” he said matter-of-factly. “I saw how you reacted to him being gone, and the words he said to you before. Don’t pretend like they weren’t said, just because you’re scared,” Dean opened his mouth to protest but Sam just kept talking. “I know you’re scared, Dean, don’t try to deny it. I know it’s hard to admit what you’re feeling, but you have to know that I will always support you? That I always have?” Dean’s eyes widened at this and Sam’s features softened slightly. “You’re not as subtle as you think, Dean. I’ve known for a while.”
Dean wasn’t sure if Sam was talking about Cas specifically, or if he meant on a wider scale, but he was too overwhelmed to say anything in reply. Overwhelmed with love for his baby brother, overwhelmed that someone he cared about so much accepted him for who he truly was.
“Dean,” Sam continued, placing a hand on Dean’s shoulder comfortingly. “You’re my brother, you raised me. I will always look up to you, and love you for who you are. I just want you to be able to accept this part of yourself, because it has never changed how I view you. None of our friends – our family – will see you any differently for who you love, surely you know that? Me, Jodie, Donna, Eileen – we all just want you to be happy. So please, Dean, just sort this out. I know it’s hard for you, but just let yourself be happy. Let Cas be happy.”
Dean didn’t know what to say, but he knew Sam was right – and deep down he had known Sam would support him, of course he would – but that didn’t make it any less scary. Teary-eyed, he looked at Sam and nodded.
“Thank you, Sammy,” he said shakily as his brother pulled him into a hug. “I’ll do it, I’ll make this right.”
Sam beamed at him as he pulled away.
“I’ll see you day after tomorrow,” he told Dean quietly, before raising his voice to shout a goodbye to Cas.
Cas looked up from his book and waved as Sam exited the bunker, a bright smile on the former angel’s face, and Dean’s heart skipped a beat.
He knew he wanted to see that smile every day for the rest of his life, and he knew how to make that happen.
He just had to be brave.
Let Cas be happy, he told himself.
~
“Cas,” Dean said, sitting down at the table, opposite the man. “I think we need to talk.”
Cas looked up from his book, his eyes wide. “If this is about what I said before I, uh, left–” he began but Dean interrupted him.
“It is,” he stated, placing his hands on his knees under the table, so Cas wouldn't be able to see how much they were shaking. “I need to know – did you mean it? Did you mean it how I think you meant it?”
“You still doubt you deserve love?” Cas questioned in reply, placing his book down on the table and leaning forward in his seat.
“Don’t dodge my question with all your cryptic shit,” Dean snapped, but there was no real heat behind it. “Just tell me if you meant what I thought you meant.”
“You know I did,” he said seriously, looking Dean right in the eye.
“Okay,” Dean said with a deep breath. “I just didn’t know if we were on the same page, y’know, with you being an angel. I didn’t know if it meant something different to you.”
“I’m not an angel anymore, Dean. And I meant it- I still mean it. I love you.”
It was no less overwhelming the second time Cas said it. Dean felt his heartbeat speed up and his palms grow sweaty – was he really going to do this? After years of shame and guilt and fear, was he finally going to let himself be free? Let himself be happy?
Dean slowly stood and made his way around the table so he was standing next to where Castiel sat. Cas looked up at him, confusion gracing his beautiful features before he stood too. It felt as though his bright eyes were boring into Dean's very soul.
Cas was so close, his face just inches away from Dean’s. They had stood this close many times before during the ten years they had known each other, but never before with the knowledge that Dean held now. His eyes flicked down to Cas’ lips and back up again, all it would take would be leaning in just slightly…
“Dean,” Cas murmured, and he was so close Dean could feel Cas' breath against his lips.
“Cas,” Dean breathed out, reaching up to cup the other man’s cheek, “I’ve felt this way for so long, Cas, but I was just so used to hiding it. I was so full of shame - of fear. I buried this feeling so deep that when you told me you loved me I just– I didn’t know how to react. But now I know, Cas. I just want the chance to make you happy," Dean took a deep breath, preparing himself to admit something he had spent years living in fear of. "I hope you can forgive me for everything I've said, everything I've done in the past to make you feel unappreciated. There's a lot I wish I could take back - a lot I should have said instead - but I wanna try my best to make it up to you. I'm sorry I didn't have the courage to say this sooner, Cas... But I love you,” Cas’ eyes widened, as though standing there, mere inches away from Dean, with Dean’s hand pressed to his cheek, he had still not expected to hear him utter those words. “I’m sorry I made you think that my love – that I – was something you couldn’t have, but I want you to know, Cas, I’m yours. If you still want me, I’m yours. Always have been.”
“Dean,” Cas whispered, his hand coming up to cup the back of Dean’s neck gently, tears of happiness glistening in his eyes. “I’ve never wanted anything more in my life.”
And with that, at last, Cas pressed his lips to Dean’s, and Dean didn’t feel scared any more.
He was finally happy.
Finally free.
~
From the place where he stood, invisible, in the corner of the room, Jack smiled. He had promised not to meddle in human affairs, and he had kept his word, but he had needed to see this through to the end. Just to make sure that these two people he cared about so much got the happiness they deserved. Now that Cas was human, he and Dean would be able to grow old together, and when they died both their souls would be able to ascend to Jack’s new Heaven, where they could all be together as a family, once again.
***
(A/N Thanks so much for reading, this was my first Spn fic in like five years so I really hope you enjoyed and thought they were in character enough. I know Dean was insanely angsty but I just hated how unbothered he seemed to be by Cas' death. And I don't know if logically Death's scythe should have killed Cas even though he was already in The Empty but I don't really care tbh, my fic makes more sense than those last couple of episodes the CW tried to feed us...)
An Archive of Our Own, a project of the Organization for Transformative Works
me? writing spn fic in the year of our Lord 2020, after missing 3 seasons, on literally the day the series finale is going to air?? more likely than you think!!!
at this point i am too nervous to speculate on what’s gonna happen in the finale - if/how cas will come back and/or if dean will reciprocate - so instead, i just wrote something i know i can fathom: dean coming to terms with a few truths about himself, and letting go of a breath he’s been holding - and we’ve been holding with him - for 15 years. hope you enjoy the results of my stress-fueled frantic writing!! <3
warnings: temporary major character death (obviously), internalized homophobia/biphobia, negative self-talk (again, obviously… it IS dean)
You said I could have anything I wanted, but I
just couldn’t say it out loud.
*
They win.
They win the battle. Life, restored to Earth, just like that, as if it never stopped. As if only a few hours ago, a stray dog didn’t seem like a miracle, a beacon of hope in a world gone empty. All that grief, all that loss – it only exists in their heads now. Life is back. They’ve won the battle.
And they’ve won the war – the war against God himself, and damn if it isn’t a mindfuck just to say it – just to think it. A war that had been going on before they were even born, a war they were supposed to both start and end, but not on their terms, never on their terms. Destiny versus agency. Fate versus choice. Duty versus love.
But against all hope, against all common sense, against everyone who’s ever bet on the other guy, well — they’ve won the war: they’ve won their free will back. Their lives are theirs again, only theirs, to do as they wish with.
They win.
The heroes save the day, and ride off into the literal sunset on their metaphorical horses.
They win. They win. They win.
Then why does Dean feel like he’s lost everything?
fan fic authors be like yes i know this will flop however i simply have too much love for this character and my very niche headcanons for them. and i think that is so fuckin sexy of us
kianamaiart
gummygunk
origamiaround
