I see a lot of posts saying "teach boys about consent".
While that is true, a lot of parents will do that and fail to see how their own actions are the problem.
If you've spanked him, he's less likely to understand consent.
If you've forced him to sit on Santa's lap, he's less likely to understand consent.
If you've forced him to give hugs and kisses to family members, he's less likely to understand consent.
If you've grabbed him in order to force him to sit still, he's less likely to understand consent.
If you've labeled him as "too sensitive" for not wanting to be touched, he's less likely to understand consent.
If you've assumed he's okay with something because he technically allowed it even though he felt pressured, he's less likely to understand consent.
If you're only going to criticize his actions but not your own, it won't work.
I am a firm believer that it's not just what he experiences in his life, but what he witnesses too. Okay so you don't do any of those to him but you do those things to his sisters? His cousins? His mom? He is learning consent is for him hut not for women.
One of my sisters has young children, both of whom are some flavor of neurodivergent. She is too, and as a result she often lost patience quickly with some of their quirks. The biggest offender is that her kids are extremely wary around anyone they deem to be a stranger, making social connection very difficult for all participants.
When I first met her daughter, she was 3 or 4, and was extremely reluctant to come and meet me. My sister began to shame and push and pull her towards me and I stopped her. I said "don't force her, don't teach her that she has to let men she doesn't know touch her, she doesn't need to hug me"
My sister froze in place, processed it for a moment, and let her daughter go. She went back to hiding behind mom. We continued our conversation and her son slowly approached me, hugged me, and climbed up onto the chair I was in to sit beside me and partially in my lap. After a few minutes, her daughter joined him. She didn't hug me, but she came over to touch and talk to me.
My sister was speechless. Her kids DON'T do that. I've heard many complaints from many family members about how antisocial they are. All I did was stick up for their right to offer or withdraw consent- and really just her daughter's, as her son had met me pre-covid and had already gotten over the hurdle at 2 years old, but her daughter was born during covid and thus it made her severe distrust of strangers even worse.
Now her kids are in elementary school and making friends easily and I regularly get stories from her about how she witnesses them connect with other socially withdrawn kids and stand up for both themselves and their quieter friends. She took my advice to heart and started allowing them to voice whether they consented to something and now her little boy will approach a crying kid on the playground and say something like "do you want to play, or do you want me to just sit with you, or do you want to be alone?" and then actually listen to what the other kid tells him.
My niece has an incredibly traumatized boy in her class who escaped war with his family, and he doesn't talk to anyone. But he visibly relaxes when my niece goes to sit next to him when he's too scared and curled up in the classroom's Quiet Corner. She reads to him and shows him her toys and holds his hand on field trips and yells at anyone who is mean to him. I'm told she's the only person who can approach or touch him without causing a meltdown besides his family, and it started because the first time she sat with him she asked if it was okay if she did so and she waited several minutes for him to nod before she sat down.
But they still avoid the family members that forced them to interact even when they were uncomfortable. I still hear those complaints, hundreds of miles away, and the jealousy that I've only met the kids a few times but they talk incessantly about me. If I call one of my family members and the kids are over, I can hear them in the background trying to talk to me if they figure out it's me on the other line.
Anyway. Long story short I didn't have to advocate for my nephew the way I did my niece, but advocating for my niece in front of the both of them dramatically changed the way both of them were taught to manage social interaction. Consent isn't just about teaching the boy. It's also making sure he sees that consent being practiced with everyone.
