Reduce Me To Dust

Star (she/her) AVPD blog 22 | ace lesbian I also have social anxiety disorder/depression

[avoidant-star]

Intro post:

Hey- my name is Star, I’m 22 years old and I’ve recently been diagnosed with Avoidant Personality Disorder.

I started this blog to hopefully connect with other people with AVPD and personality disorders as a whole, esp Cluster C.

I’m sure I’ll end up venting on here, and it’d be nice to have people who actually understand.

I also want to educate people on what it actually feels like to navigate the world as someone with this personality disorder- understanding leads to empathy, and I think we could all use a little bit more of that.

Finally, I want to use this to highlight the differences between my social anxiety and my AVPD traits- because AVPD is horribly understudied due to people thinking it’s basically just SAD and that needs to change.

—

My diagnoses include:

- Depression (both PDD and MDD, but I typically think of this as one set of symptoms/talk about is as just “depression”)

- Seasonal Affective Disorder

- Social Anxiety Disorder

- Avoidant Personality Disorder

The four do effect each other and how I perceive the world; so it’s important to note

—

Anyways, if you have a personality disorder, please interact with this blog. I feel so lonely and I know there’s other people out there

—

[avoidant-star]

I’ve been struggling lately more and more with my chronic suicidal ideation.

I’ve recently started watching a TV show and they did a reveal where it’s shown that one of the characters killed themself, and it really made me realize truly how long I’ve been suicidal.

It’s been probably a bit over a decade.

And it’s such a thing that is completely taboo for other people’s comfort- and I understand. But I wish I had someone to talk to, literally anyone.

There’s a good bit(?) by this comedian where he “jokes” that when his car breaks down, he thinks to himself, “well I have three options. Get a new car, take the bus, or kill myself.” And it’s funny because it’s true.

It’s always in the back of my mind, it’s always Plan B- and part of me always longs for it. A much bigger part of me is a coward who’s terrified of death and believes in ghosts just a bit too much to risk being stuck as one forever. But it’s still there.

A major AVPD symptom is feeling like your suicide is an inevitability, even without any active plan. And god, it’s so real it hurts.

[peanutgallerymemes]

real actually, i desperately need a reason

[avoidant-star]

In case anyone was wondering; if you’re answering truthfully, you USUALLY can’t score high on any PD test

Disorder I have:

Last year/1 month ago/Today

Hovering around the 70% symptom range

Vs, Disorders I don’t have:

Also note how the biggest symptoms from the other tests are: isolation, feelings of emptiness

Aka; AVPD symptoms

Explains too that while my traits are still low on DPD/SPD, the fact that it’s around 30% makes sense bc those are highly comirbid with/easy to get mixed up with AVPD

[avpdpossum]

the “i can’t seem to connect with other people, i must be fundamentally broken or not trying hard enough” -> “turns out there’s nothing wrong with me, i’m just autistic” -> “all the autistic people i know get along so well together and i still can’t connect with any of them, maybe i really am just fundamentally broken” -> “why didn’t anyone tell me avpd exists, this explains everything” pipeline is so real.

if your social skills are dogshit even compared to other socially anxious autistics, i see you. i am you. it’s fucking rough out here but at least we’re in these trenches together.

[squishranger]

man i just dont know why im so afraid all the time (<- has the disorder that makes you afraid all the time)

[avpdculture]

AvPD culture is an endless loop of feeling like everyone's judging or just weirded out by your every word so you mostly stay quiet and not intervend in the conversation but then the group starts asking why you don't share your opinions and just walking behind quietly listening so you try to speak up but every word you say seems to be once again wrong and weird and filthy and everyone's staring and perceiving and you shut up but then after some time they ask why you're silent again and

~

[questioning-human]

I am not avoidant I am ignored.

Although I don’t mind being ignored by people who do not matter, sometimes it hurts. When I got admitted to the mental hospital I started to cry really loud because the pain in my mind was too unbearable, I couldn’t take it. This group of girls (including my roomate) started laughing at me.

Usually I react with anger, but I couldn’t help but repeat these thoughts that humanity is so cruel , that we as a species deserve to go extinct, that none of this matters , and we should all die. I still believe this. It doesn’t bother me all that much, but when I’m in a situation that makes my brain go on fire, it’s like i need the extinction to happen now.

I am ignored all the time, maybe it’s in my mind, I’m not sure. I’m ignored mentally. Not physically. If that makes any sort of sense. I’m never asked by people other than (some) my family , if I’m okay. It really isn’t other people’s responsibilities how I am, it still would be nice . But at the same time I get uncomfortable once talked to.

If it’s someone I’m 100% comfortable with and know, I don’t mine. Most people it’s a no and I’ll just keep it short and simple. Even my childhood best friend I’ve been uncomfortable talking to. It’s just not okay for me. I don’t feel good when I talk to people. I never get any positive emotions after talking to most people. I just feel like it’s unproductive and I just cannot deal with it.

I feel like no one wants to go to know me, but at the same time I don’t want anyone to know me. Oh , the hypocrisy, I know.

The more I think about it the more I realize things. I realize that I like the idea of people knowing me, wanting to get to know me, or perusing me. But I don’t really want that. I like having a couple of people to talk to. But I don’t like everyday chatting , or calling, or hanging out. I just don’t. I would rather hang out with my mom or brother. I don’t need to talk to people all the time. My mom (who I suspect is a schizoid) tells me when she needs to stop talking and be alone, and I do the same. It’s just how we are. And I get along with her the most out of everyone . I relate to her a lot. That’s what I wish everyone understood. I’m not mad, I just need time to myself. And although I’m in my room isolated for most of the time, I don’t think it is bad for me. I think the opposite actually.

[avoidrant]

playing a game of: am i depressed or having an avoidant episode? or depressed because im having an episode? or maybe im depressed and that’s causing me to have an episode? or maybe —

[avbpd-muffin]

I'm trying my best to reach out to others. To be open. To be honest. But I'm so tired and I don't wanna do anything but isolate. I wanna go away somewhere and never turn back. Change my name. Change everything.

But no matter how many things I change about myself, I feel like I'll never be happy. This really... makes life unbearable at times, to put it lightly. I'm going out of my way to type this post out. It doesn't do much to help, other than add a trace of my thoughts. I hope it will in the long run, but... I don't know.

I just can't help but wonder what the hell I've done to deserve to feel like this my whole fucking life? Or at the very least a decade and a half. I must have done something absolutely despicable for this to be my life. I'm just tortured even when nothing is happening and FUCK.

It's hard to even word what I'm feeling. I just feel like opening a new post and just keymashing. Is there any end to this feeling? For how much longer do I have to endure this? Five years? Ten? Twenty??

Fuck. Fuuuuck.