first post for context / see the tag 'open relationship au' for more snippets or the masterlist so kindly put together by @tafkarfanfic. mhl awards part four out of four!
MHL Awards, 2015
Ilya is at the hotel bar.
He doesn't really remember getting there, but he figures he must have taken the elevator down from Shane's room.
After he left him there.
Alone, locked in the bathroom, probably having a panic attack because Ilya is a fucking moron who doesn't know when to stop pushing. But he can't go back now. Shane doesn't want him to and Ilya figures he should listen, even though it may be too little too late.
The bar sounds like a good idea, anyway. Ilya doesn't want to be sober right now.
The party is still going strong, the faint sounds of it echoing down the hall. There are no other players at the bar; probably if any of them have left the party and not gone straight to their rooms, they've gone to places more fun than this.
Well, Ilya isn't really looking for fun right now. He just wants to stop thinking about the way Shane couldn't even look at him when he told him to go.
There's a group of men at the other end of the bar but Ilya pays them no attention while he orders his drink. Not until he hears one of them say, "Is that Ilya Rozanov?"
Another responds, loud and unaware in the way drunk people often are, "Holy shit, it is!"
Ilya feels his face go stiff. He leans against the bar, briefly debating whether he should just leave - he usually likes meeting fans, but this is the last thing he needs right now, when his heart feels like it's breaking apart with every beat, bleeding all over the pretty marble floor.
But he stays put, allowing the group to approach him. He even manages a neutral expression before he turns around, slipping it on like a mask.
It promptly falls, because in the middle of the group of men in pastel polo shirts and khaki shorts, face twisted like he's sucking on a lemon, is fucking Brian.
Ilya stares. He doesn't even try not to, because every tiny bit of his energy is now being spent on not hauling the asshole in by the collar and punching his lights out.
"Holy shit, dude," the loud guy says. "I told you guys, I fucking knew the MHL awards were being held here." He holds out his hand and Ilya takes it on autopilot. "I'm a huge fan, Mr. Rozanov. I mean obviously fuck the Raiders, but you're a fucking legend!"
Ilya nods politely. His eyes are dragged back to Brian, who looks kind of like he wants to murder his friend.
"We're from Montreal," another guy explains and right, Ilya isn't supposed to know that. "The Raiders are great-"
"Fucking take that back, Todd!"
"-Charlie's just dedicated to the home team."
"Best fucking team in sports," Charlie crows. "And best fucking center - I mean - fuck."
Ilya does smile at that, small but sincere. "Is fine. Hollander is a good player, they don't give MVP to just anyone."
"That's fucking right!"
Charlie would have made a good hockey player, Ilya thinks. He already has the vocabulary for it.
"Shit, man," Todd says. "Never thought I'd hear Ilya Rozanov say anything nice about Shane Hollander."
This is Ilya's cue to say something sarcastic or shitty, to play into the rivalry for the fans. He can't bring himself to do it, can't even find the words that usually come so easily.
"It's true." He shrugs. "I respect Hollander, he's the only one who can keep up with me. We came up together, we are alone at the top. The game would be less fun without him."
There's a lump in his throat as he finishes speaking and Ilya clears his throat, hoping they didn't hear it. Nothing he said was a lie but it's such a small fraction of the truth, it almost hurts to say.
"Fuck," Charlie says, sniffling. "That was beautiful, dude."
"Is he here?" another guy in the group asks, silent until now. His polo is an unfortunate lime green. "Hollander, I mean. I would actually give my first born to shake his hand."
Todd laughs. "I'm sure Heather would love to hear that."
Lime green polo shakes his head. "She'd agree, man. He's her hallpass, I think she'd just ask him to help her make a new one."
"I'm going out for a smoke," Brian announces, sudden and loud.
He sounds drunk, too, and Ilya feels briefly satisfied that he's probably been drowning his sorrows all day while Shane ignores his sad bids for attention.
But Ilya is in the same boat now, isn't he? He's also been rejected by Shane, only he won't be given the thousandth chance he doesn't deserve to come crawling back into his good graces.
The satisfaction evaporates in an instant, leaving a hollow pit in Ilya's stomach. That can't be how this ends, can it?
"Sorry about him," Todd says as soon as Brian is gone. "He's not a hockey fan, you know."
Ilya waves a hand, distracted. "Is okay. I have to go back to the party."
They all grab his hand to shake it before he leaves, but thankfully none of them ask for pictures. Probably they'd be drawn and quartered once they returned to Montreal if they did.
The party is in a banquet hall, a long corridor away from the bar. Ilya has no intention of going back; he's got his eyes on a small exit to the smoking area outside.
Brian is alone there, leaning against the wall and huffing on his cigarette like it owes him money. His head snaps up when he sees Ilya and his shoulders stiffen as he immediately draws himself to his full height.
"Come to gloat?" he scoffs. "Cute stunt you pulled earlier, not that it changes anything."
Ilya considers him coolly. The anger simmering in his veins is overwhelming and it's a conscious effort to keep his arms still at his side. Every time he thinks of Shane up in that penthouse, his incredulous why would you want me?, a fresh wave of anger pours over him, tinting his vision a hazy red.
Ilya isn't a violent man - not off the ice - but he supposes there are exceptions to everything.
The only thing keeping him from starting a fight now is knowing Shane wouldn't want him to.
"If you say so," he says mildly.
Brian glares at him. "I do say so. Shane wants a regular hookup and you're convenient, that doesn't mean shit. You think he'd actually want you for anything more?"
It lands like a blow to the chest and Ilya clenches his jaw, desperate not to let it show. To let Brian know the vulnerable spot he discovered by accident, the raw wound at the center of him.
"You know what I think?" he says. "I think you don't believe that. I think you're talking bullshit because you're scared."
Brian goes pale. He chucks the cigarette away, takes half a step towards Ilya. He seems to catch himself a moment later, maybe realizing that there is no scenario in which he could win a physical fight against Ilya.
"You don't know shit," he bites out, red faced. "You know where I'll be while you're rotting away in fucking Russia? With Shane, at his cottage."
Ilya's heart drops.
It must show, because Brian grins, smug and vicious. "That's right. And you know what else? Next week, I'm meeting his parents."
"You're lying," Ilya says reflexively. A child's response.
"We're getting more serious," Brian continues blithely. "Closing the relationship. Glad you had fun today, because it was the last time you're touching him."
He must be lying, because Shane would have told Ilya. Nothing that happened earlier today or tonight suggested the relationship was headed anywhere except towards total collapse.
But even if it is all a lie, Brian doesn't know what happened between them. He doesn't know Shane threw Ilya out of his room. So maybe he's lying to fake confidence in their relationship but if he knew the full story, would he even feel the need?
Ilya isn't so sure.
"It would ruin him," he tells Brian, because that much he is sure of. "You know this, yes? Staying with you, it would kill his heart."
For a moment, doubt flickers across Brian's face. It's replaced almost immediately by hot fury and then he's reeling back, swinging for Ilya's face.
Ilya dodges easily. Raises his fist, punches back.
(It's self-defense, Hollander. No judging.)
It's not even a particularly hard punch but there is blood on Brian's lips and he clutches his cheek, staring at Ilya wide-eyed and pale.
"Have a nice night," Ilya says.
Brian says nothing in response, still looking shocked.
Ilya leaves. As he's headed for the elevator, he checks his phone.
It's nuts how common it is to not allow children to be angry, even (especially) in households where adults are angry all the time. As a child I knew my own anger was unacceptable--not just expressing it outwardly but feeling it at all. So now as an adult my immediate reaction to my own anger is often to feel guilt instead of like. Noticing when someone is being rude or unfair or my boundaries are being violated or whatever. fucked up.
Heated Rivalry Open Relationship AU chapters (updated 27 June)
If you want updates when there is a new chapter, click on the three dots in the upper right and select “Follow this post”!
A few weeks ago @perlukafarinn posted "I love an AU where Ilya seduces Shane away from an asshole boyfriend and I really want one where the boyfriend suggests opening the relationship and that's how Shane and Ilya first start fucking." And lo, the #OpenRelationshipAU was born, and lots of people have been getting very excited about the chapters @perlukafarinn has been posting.
This finding document covers JUST the story. (There are now more than 40 posts in the tag and a lot of it is discussion.) I'm putting in a logline and a quote from each post.
The Idea/Outline Post
Snippet:
Boyfriend is out and Shane is not (for obvious reasons) and while this doesn’t necessarily make for an unhealthy relationship Boyfriend is, as established, an asshole. He’s not shy about reminding Shane of how lucky he is that he puts up with the secrecy and how impossible it would be for Shane to find someone else in his situation.
They’ve also been together since they were teenagers so Boyfriend is the only guy Shane has ever been with and the only one who knows Shane is gay, which also means that Shane has no one to talk to about any misgivings he might have about the relationship.
The story is the same as in canon from Ilya’s perspective until the CCM commercial when he hits on Shane in the shower and Shane, visibly into Ilya and fighting with himself internally, tells him he can’t because he has a boyfriend. Then he panics about what he just told Ilya but Ilya promises not to tell anyone - they have the same secret, after all. Sure he’s disappointed but he can always find other people to fuck (that hollow feeling in his chest feels like a lot more than just disappointment but Ilya ignores that).
After the cut: chapter by chapter, both in posting order and in timeline order. I'll update this as the story continues.
Posting Order
All-Stars 2011
It’s Ilya’s turn to roll his eyes. Enough of this beating around the bush, he decides. “So you are still with…?”
He lets the sentence hang between them unfinished. Hollander will catch on quickly; their last off-ice conversation about his secret boyfriend is still fresh in Ilya’s memory despite the months that have passed. He has no doubt this is even more true for Hollander.
2007: Shane meets Brian at a party
Shane’s never been to a college party before but some of his older teammates on his U18 team insisted he come along. They want to teach him how to loosen up, and Shane’s not sure if they mean it as a favor or if they want to see him embarrass himself.
The party is loud and uncomfortable, and everyone keeps insisting that Shane drink. Brian finds him there, alone in the crowd, lost and a little bit miserable, teammates scattered around in the wind.
2012: Ilya takes Shane back to his place for a chat after a Boston/Montreal game
“Cheer the fuck up,” Ilya calls, grinning when Hollander startles at his voice. “You should be used to losing to me by now.”
“Which one of us won the Calder, again?” Hollander asks, pocketing his phone.
Ilya’s grin widens. He thinks he must be one of the only people in the world who knows what a bitch Shane Hollander can be. What a privilege.
2012: Ilya tells Sveta about "Jane" and "her" shitty boyfriend
It was her third short-lived relationship of the year. Sveta suffers from an unfortunate combination of high standards and terrible taste in men. It makes Ilya think of Hollander, who has the same trash taste but none of Sveta’s good judgment.
Maybe Ilya could use her advice.
2013: Shane visits Ilya's place again after a game that Svetlana attended
It gets to a point where they’re texting almost daily. It’s almost like they’re friends, which is what gives Ilya the courage to suggest they hang out after a game again.
Hollander accepts. They play video games and talk shit, and it’s fun, even though it’s not what Ilya’s been chasing Hollander for since they did that CCM commercial. At one point Ilya brings up Hollander’s boyfriend, only to get roundly shut down, and well. Message received.
2014: Brian tells Shane he wants to open up the relationship
Shane is determined for tonight to go well. He got food delivered from Brian’s favorite restaurant and picked up a bottle of his favorite wine to pair it with. He even busted out the candles. He’s not the best boyfriend, he knows, but he can at least show Brian that he’s trying.
MLH Awards 2014 part 1
Ilya spent the past week trying not to read into it but right now, he can’t remember why. Obviously, Hollander came to his senses and dumped his loser boyfriend, and he’s finally going to take Ilya up on his offer to fuck. It’s the only thing that makes sense.
Maybe Ilya is a little bit blinded by his winner’s high. But he’s also right, he knows it. Tonight is for getting everything he’s ever wanted, a feast to keep him sated through the lean summer weeks in Russia.
MLH Awards 2014 part 2
He’s never even admitted it to himself, how badly he’s wanted Ilya Rozanov, in a way he didn’t know he could want men who weren’t his boyfriend. The words slip easily from his tongue now, the shame that’s always accompanied that want a distant memory.
2007/2009/2012: Shane's first overnight with Brian, as well as Shane POV on how he is hiding it from his parents
Shane nods, guilt simmering in his gut at how easily Mom believes him. It’s because he’s never given her reason to doubt, never gotten in the kind of trouble other guys on the team and in his grade get into on a regular basis.
At least ask me some follow-up questions, Shane wants to shout, but he doesn’t. Obviously. He doesn’t actually want to be caught in a lie.
2014: Ilya POV: Shane and Ilya hook up after games
“Oh.” Hollander’s expression twists, lips tugging in a frown. “No, he doesn’t. He doesn’t tell me about other people, either. I don’t wanna know.”
“Sound healthy,” Ilya says dryly.
“Fuck you. Don’t you need to have been in a relationship to know what a healthy one looks like?”
Ilya resists the urge to tell Hollander that his relationship is so dysfunctional, a blind dog could see it. He doesn’t feel like being thrown out of bed just yet.
2014: Shane freaks out the morning after MLH awards; Shane and Brian several months after Brian opens the relationship
He thinks about telling Brian about Rozanov, but he’s not sure what the rules are. Brian hasn’t told him about anyone he’s fucked or is thinking about fucking. Maybe Shane should wait for him to bring it up. Brian hates it when he pesters him for constant clarification, and Shane doesn’t want to ruin his good mood. Better to just follow his lead and work through the rest of it on his own.
Besides, if Brian doesn’t know about Rozanov, he can’t tell Shane not to sleep with him again. Shane can’t pretend that’s not a little bit of a factor.
2015: Ilya and Shane at All-Stars (Ilya POV)
It makes Ilya want to claw his skin off a little bit, thinking about how long it's been since he last saw Shane Hollander naked. Knowing that in his absence, Hollander's boyfriend has been fucking him regularly, erasing the memory of Ilya's touch and replacing it with his own.
2015: Ilya and Shane at All-Stars (Shane POV)
It's difficult enough to turn Rozanov down for anything before they're in bed. Once they're actually naked, Shane has discovered there's pretty much nothing he doesn't want Rozanov to do to him.
2015: Hanging with Hayden
Hayden doesn't look convinced, but he doesn't push. It's one of the things that make him so easy to be friends with. He'll ask after Shane, try to set him up on dates, but he never pushes after the first no.
Sometimes Shane wishes he would, a little bit. It's not like he could tell Hayden anything, but if Hayden pushed, if he made Shane talk, it would at least release some of the pressure. It wouldn't be worth the fallout but it would at least be some kind of relief.
2015: Seeing Ilya After All-Stars
Shane doesn't think he's alone in feeling that something has changed. Rozanov doesn't mouth off during the face off like usual but he smiles when Shane meets his eyes, small and private. Shane finds himself smiling back, despite the conflicting feelings in his chest. It's impossible not to, with the way Rozanov is looking at him.
2015: continuation of previous scene, Ilya POV
His eyes flicker over Brian, curious and disdainful. He's handsome, Ilya supposes, or he would be to a person who knew less about his ugly personality. Tall and fit, his dark hair carefully styled and his face clean shaven. He's wearing a tailored suit, tie loosened around his neck. The way he's standing, it's clear he's using every bit of the tiny height advantage he has to tower over Shane.
Ilya hates him.
2015: continuation of previous scene, Shane POV
"I told you to find a guy to hook up with, not a second boyfriend!" Brian snaps, finally looking up. "Since last June, Shane? Why the fuck did you think that was okay?"
Shane flushes, stomach clenching tightly. He feels guilty and angry in equal measures, and above all confused about what he should be feeling. Brian has something of a point - if Shane really wasn't doing anything wrong, why would he be feeling like he just got caught?
2015: Ilya goes to NYC specifically to hook up with Shane
In hindsight, bragging to Shane's boyfriend about how he planned to steal him away right as Ilya was about to go three months without seeing him off the ice was maybe not the smartest move.
2015: Playoffs
This is probably why he feels so annoyed when he comes home and Brian is already there, sitting on the couch and waiting for Shane. For the second time this week.
They've never spent time together during playoffs before and Brian has never pushed for it. He may not like hockey but he understands Shane's dedication to it.
Shane knows things are different between them this year - especially after the confrontation with Rozanov - but he still thought Brian got it. Their relationship exists in a world apart from hockey and during playoffs, Shane needs to stay in the world where he's Shane Hollander, Captain of the Montreal Metros. Any distractions, even nice ones, are not acceptable.
2015 playoffs: final game
Shane's not dwelling on it, though. His mind feels razor sharp. A kind of calm descended over him in their first game against the Drillers that has yet to lift. He knows what he has to do to win, and knows he's capable of it, too. Knows his team is capable.
The night before the last game, Brian calls.
In-Universe Timeline Order
2007: Shane meets Brian at a party
Shane’s never been to a college party before but some of his older teammates on his U18 team insisted he come along. They want to teach him how to loosen up, and Shane’s not sure if they mean it as a favor or if they want to see him embarrass himself.
The party is loud and uncomfortable, and everyone keeps insisting that Shane drink. Brian finds him there, alone in the crowd, lost and a little bit miserable, teammates scattered around in the wind.
2007/2009/2012: Shane's first overnight with Brian, as well as Shane POV on how he is hiding it from his parents
Shane nods, guilt simmering in his gut at how easily Mom believes him. It’s because he’s never given her reason to doubt, never gotten in the kind of trouble other guys on the team and in his grade get into on a regular basis.
At least ask me some follow-up questions, Shane wants to shout, but he doesn’t. Obviously. He doesn’t actually want to be caught in a lie.
All-Stars 2011
It’s Ilya’s turn to roll his eyes. Enough of this beating around the bush, he decides. “So you are still with…?”
He lets the sentence hang between them unfinished. Hollander will catch on quickly; their last off-ice conversation about his secret boyfriend is still fresh in Ilya’s memory despite the months that have passed. He has no doubt this is even more true for Hollander.
2012: Ilya takes Shane back to his place for a chat after a Boston/Montreal game
“Cheer the fuck up,” Ilya calls, grinning when Hollander startles at his voice. “You should be used to losing to me by now.”
“Which one of us won the Calder, again?” Hollander asks, pocketing his phone.
Ilya’s grin widens. He thinks he must be one of the only people in the world who knows what a bitch Shane Hollander can be. What a privilege.
2012: Ilya tells Sveta about "Jane" and "her" shitty boyfriend
It was her third short-lived relationship of the year. Sveta suffers from an unfortunate combination of high standards and terrible taste in men. It makes Ilya think of Hollander, who has the same trash taste but none of Sveta’s good judgment.
Maybe Ilya could use her advice.
2013: Shane visits Ilya's place again after a game that Svetlana attended
It gets to a point where they’re texting almost daily. It’s almost like they’re friends, which is what gives Ilya the courage to suggest they hang out after a game again.
Hollander accepts. They play video games and talk shit, and it’s fun, even though it’s not what Ilya’s been chasing Hollander for since they did that CCM commercial. At one point Ilya brings up Hollander’s boyfriend, only to get roundly shut down, and well. Message received.
2014: Brian tells Shane he wants to open up the relationship
Shane is determined for tonight to go well. He got food delivered from Brian’s favorite restaurant and picked up a bottle of his favorite wine to pair it with. He even busted out the candles. He’s not the best boyfriend, he knows, but he can at least show Brian that he’s trying.
MLH Awards 2014 part 1
Ilya spent the past week trying not to read into it but right now, he can’t remember why. Obviously, Hollander came to his senses and dumped his loser boyfriend, and he’s finally going to take Ilya up on his offer to fuck. It’s the only thing that makes sense.
Maybe Ilya is a little bit blinded by his winner’s high. But he’s also right, he knows it. Tonight is for getting everything he’s ever wanted, a feast to keep him sated through the lean summer weeks in Russia.
MLH Awards 2014 part 2
He’s never even admitted it to himself, how badly he’s wanted Ilya Rozanov, in a way he didn’t know he could want men who weren’t his boyfriend. The words slip easily from his tongue now, the shame that’s always accompanied that want a distant memory.
2014: Ilya POV: Shane and Ilya hook up after games
“Oh.” Hollander’s expression twists, lips tugging in a frown. “No, he doesn’t. He doesn’t tell me about other people, either. I don’t wanna know.”
“Sound healthy,” Ilya says dryly.
“Fuck you. Don’t you need to have been in a relationship to know what a healthy one looks like?”
Ilya resists the urge to tell Hollander that his relationship is so dysfunctional, a blind dog could see it. He doesn’t feel like being thrown out of bed just yet.
2014: Shane freaks out the morning after MLH awards; Shane and Brian several months after Brian opens the relationship
He thinks about telling Brian about Rozanov, but he’s not sure what the rules are. Brian hasn’t told him about anyone he’s fucked or is thinking about fucking. Maybe Shane should wait for him to bring it up. Brian hates it when he pesters him for constant clarification, and Shane doesn’t want to ruin his good mood. Better to just follow his lead and work through the rest of it on his own.
Besides, if Brian doesn’t know about Rozanov, he can’t tell Shane not to sleep with him again. Shane can’t pretend that’s not a little bit of a factor.
2015: Ilya and Shane at All Stars (Ilya POV)
It makes Ilya want to claw his skin off a little bit, thinking about how long it's been since he last saw Shane Hollander naked. Knowing that in his absence, Hollander's boyfriend has been fucking him regularly, erasing the memory of Ilya's touch and replacing it with his own.
2015: Ilya and Shane at All Stars (Shane POV)
It’s difficult enough to turn Rozanov down for anything before they're in bed. Once they're actually naked, Shane has discovered there's pretty much nothing he doesn't want Rozanov to do to him.
2015: Hanging with Hayden
Hayden doesn't look convinced, but he doesn't push. It's one of the things that make him so easy to be friends with. He'll ask after Shane, try to set him up on dates, but he never pushes after the first no.
Sometimes Shane wishes he would, a little bit. It's not like he could tell Hayden anything, but if Hayden pushed, if he made Shane talk, it would at least release some of the pressure. It wouldn't be worth the fallout but it would at least be some kind of relief.
2015: Seeing Ilya After All-Stars
Shane doesn't think he's alone in feeling that something has changed. Rozanov doesn't mouth off during the face off like usual but he smiles when Shane meets his eyes, small and private. Shane finds himself smiling back, despite the conflicting feelings in his chest. It's impossible not to, with the way Rozanov is looking at him.
2015: continuation of previous scene, Ilya POV
His eyes flicker over Brian, curious and disdainful. He's handsome, Ilya supposes, or he would be to a person who knew less about his ugly personality. Tall and fit, his dark hair carefully styled and his face clean shaven. He's wearing a tailored suit, tie loosened around his neck. The way he's standing, it's clear he's using every bit of the tiny height advantage he has to tower over Shane.
Ilya hates him.
2015: Continuation of previous scene, Shane POV
"I told you to find a guy to hook up with, not a second boyfriend!" Brian snaps, finally looking up. "Since last June, Shane? Why the fuck did you think that was okay?"
Shane flushes, stomach clenching tightly. He feels guilty and angry in equal measures, and above all confused about what he should be feeling. Brian has something of a point - if Shane really wasn't doing anything wrong, why would he be feeling like he just got caught?
2015: Ilya goes to NYC specifically to hook up with Shane
In hindsight, bragging to Shane's boyfriend about how he planned to steal him away right as Ilya was about to go three months without seeing him off the ice was maybe not the smartest move.
2015: Playoffs
This is probably why he feels so annoyed when he comes home and Brian is already there, sitting on the couch and waiting for Shane. For the second time this week.
They've never spent time together during playoffs before and Brian has never pushed for it. He may not like hockey but he understands Shane's dedication to it.
Shane knows things are different between them this year - especially after the confrontation with Rozanov - but he still thought Brian got it. Their relationship exists in a world apart from hockey and during playoffs, Shane needs to stay in the world where he's Shane Hollander, Captain of the Montreal Metros. Any distractions, even nice ones, are not acceptable.
2015 playoffs: final game
Shane's not dwelling on it, though. His mind feels razor sharp. A kind of calm descended over him in their first game against the Drillers that has yet to lift. He knows what he has to do to win, and knows he's capable of it, too. Knows his team is capable.
"omg i LOVE it when love between characters is so strong it overrides the boundaries of flesh and selfhood, merging them into some sort of (un)holy chimera" — person who's uncomfortable with the idea of permanently sharing a bedroom with someone else
florence welch was right. it picks me up puts me down chews me up spits me out a hundred times a day picks me up puts me down i'm always running from something i push it back but it keeps on coming and being clever never got me very far
contrary to popular belief not everyone has an innate sense of internal gender or care to have one or seek a name for it, some people go their whole lives without questioning their occupation in one of two gender roles, but for some people, if pressed, they don’t feel that internal sense of ‘i am a woman’ or ‘i am a man’, and in that case i feel the switch over to transgender vs cisgender relies on active identification of a gender other than the one they were assigned. if someone’s like ‘idk dude I just work here’ then that’s valid
#i would describe my gender as not exactly ‘idk dude i just work here’ #more like…..when someone assumes you work somewhere that you don’t #but you know how to help them so you do it anyway #my gender is wearing a red shirt at a target
A portion of people in the notes are like ‘but that makes you trans. That’s called being agender’ and another portion of people are going ‘this is how the majority of cis ppl feel and it’s NOT agender’ and personally I feel like both of them are missing the point here. Yes a lot of people identify as agender because of this feeling. Yes a lot of people with this same feeling still identify as cis. These are not mutually exclusive experiences and it doesn’t mean the agender people are secretly cis or the cis people are secretly agender. It just means they have very similar experiences of gender that they choose to conceptualize and label differently, and neither of them are mistaken or wrong to do so.
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