BatfamSpews

I'm just messing around tbh

[batfamspews]

Tim: *followed by Steph and Cass* BRUCE! BruceBruceBruce, Steph and I taught Cass how to talk.

Bruce: What? Cass, that’s wonderful!

Cass: It’s pretty based, fam. I locked in and now I have aura for days.

Bruce: …

Bruce: Guys please tell me you taught her actual words.

Steph: We may or may not have used Chat GPT and Instagram reels to teach her some “modern slang,” but it’s what she wanted.

Cass: Straight facts.

Bruce *pinching his brow and sighing in frustration*: Kids, no normal human talks like that! How is she going to survive the galas?

Tim: WOAH Bruce, you saying Cass isn’t a normal human, just because she’s still learning how to talk?

Steph: Bruce! Just because she has a harrowing past it doesn’t mean she any less human than the rest of us!

Bruce: That is not what I’m saying!

Cass: Chat, am I cooked?

Bruce: What I’m saying is that I love Cass and I want to set her up for success. Quite frankly I’m surprised by you two. This is mean and cold hearted.

Cass: You’re losing so much aura, old man.

Bruce: And Cass, that is QUITE enough from you. I KNOW you know what normal words sound like and you’re just doing this to piss me off. Cass: It’s giving chopped unc.

Bruce: I don’t even know what that means but I know it was disrespectful. As your father I’m not putting up with this bullcrap! The three of you are grounded until you fix whatever THIS is!

Cass, Tim and Steph in unison: Boomer…

[batfamspews]

I’m out of ideas and lazy

Comment a funny Batfam post idea, and if I like it enough I’ll write a short splurge about it some day when I get the time.

[batfamspews]

Batkids Playing Mario Kart Part 1

Dick: Hello, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the first of many Bat Family Mario Kart tournaments!

Barbara: Dick, who are you announcing this to? It’s just us…

Dick: First up we’ve got the middle children- sometimes forgotten, but truly unforgettable! Tim, Cass, Jason and Steph, come on up!

Jason: *Selecting Bowser* You three are going down!

Tim: *selecting Toad* Let me guess, Steph. You’re gonna go with Peach because she’s a girlboss.

Steph: Come on, Tim you know me better than that *Selects Waluigi*

Cass: *Shakes her head, smiles, and silently selects Shy Guy*

The round begins

Jason: Wait, WHY DID I JUST BURN OUT?

Tim: First place baby! Good luck keeping up! (Is immediate red shelled and passed by Steph)

Steph: TAKE THAT DRAKE!

Tim: OH COME ON!!

Jason: THERE’S A LEDGE THERE? HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO AVOID THAT??

Steph: *is boom boxed while going over a jump* WHAT?? NO!!

Tim: *passing her* HAH!! Eat my dust, sucker!!!

Cass: *Peacefully cruising along*

Jason: BACKWARDS?? HOW AM I GOING BACKWARDS??

Tim: Last lap, Steph! Think you can keep up?

Steph: *holding a piranha plant* GET YOUR BUTT OVER HERE!!

Jason: HOW?? HOW DID I JUST HIT MY OWN BANANA PEAL?? THIS GAME IS SO DUMB!!

*Steph and Tim approach the finish line, neck and neck. They are several inches away before BOOM!!! A blue shell takes both of them out and Cass whizzes by at the last second*

Steph and Tim: NOOOOOOOO!!!

Dick: AND WE HAVE A WINNER!

Jason: *the game ends before he finishes the race, and he throws his remote on the floor and storms off* THIS IS SUCH A DUMB GAME, IM NEVER PLAYING IT AGAIN!

Dick: Looks like we have some sore losers out here today. Miss Cassandra, what would you like to say to your fellow components?

Cass: *smiles innocently and shrugs* All I can say is… EAT MY DUST, SUCKERS!!!

Cass and Tim: *Jaws dropped, and steaming* FRICK YOU CASS

[batfamspews]

Jason: *On a first date* You know, I had low hopes when I got Tinder, but I’m pleasantly surprised. You’re amazing.

Girl: You're not too bad yourself, Jason. I never thought I’d meet someone who was wild enough to bring me to a bar on the first date, yet here we are!

Jason: And I didn’t expect you to handle your drinks as well as you do. I think I’d like try this again.

Girl: I’d like that. *pauses* Is that a bird?

Jason: *Looks over his shoulder* Oh yeah, looks like a crow. Must have flown in when someone opened the door.

Girl: *Snickering* Crow in a bar. You could even call it a… crowbar.

Girl: *Snickers until she notices Jason isn’t laughing with her* Jason?

Jason: *Staring at her with a completely blank expression* Yeah actually I don’t think this is working.

Girl: Wh-what?

Jason: *standing up and walking to the door* Yeah, don’t text me. Goodbye forever.

[batfamspews]

Damian, Tim and Jason on patrol together

Damian: Drake, I require your assistance immediately.

Tim: You do? 5 minutes ago you said you didn’t need my help and yelled at me to leave you alone.

Damian: This is true, however I do not want to be alone with Todd. He is giving me the look that often precedes him throwing me off a building.

Tim: He has a look for that? Turns around and sees Red Hood staring directly at them from a distance. Oh my gosh…

Damian: He quoted to me an inconceivably annoying joke and I told him how childish it was. He smiled at me and it was… not normal.

Tim: Does this kind of thing happen often between the two of you?

Damian: Correct. I am not sure why. He said it was because I possess “no chill.” I have no idea what that means. I am not cold.

Tim: Right… Just, stick with me for now. I’m gonna call Dick

[batfamspews]

Batkids: *All hanging out on the floor of the BatCave, silently reading to themselves.*

Jason: *Breaking the silence suddenly* Have y’all ever read fan fiction about ourselves?

The rest of the Batkids: …

Duke: … There’s fan fiction? About us??

Tim: Oh yeah. Lots of it. Also tons of fan art.

Dick: Yeah, I have a love/hate relationship with those. They make me feel both honored and violated, usually at the same time.

Jason: Some of them are so funny. We should read one tonight.

Babs: *Raising an eyebrow* Aren’t they pretty raunchy?

Tim: There are some clean ones. I’ll find one for later.

Later that evening

Tim: Alright y’all, this story has the highest rating on Battpad and it says it’s family friendly. Let’s see how this goes.

Moments later

Dick: Ok, that’s just creepy.

Jason: How did they know I like Jane Austin and listen to classical music before bed? I don’t like that.

Tim: They literally named Red Robin’s alter ego Jimothy Duck and gave him a caffeine addiction. How??

Dick: I just want to know how the HECK it pinned me as a patterned socks guy. Most of my close friends don’t even know that.

Damian: I, for one, am just offended they made my persona obnoxious and annoying when I clearly am not.

Jason: Naw, this is just too creepily accurate. Who wrote this?

Tim: Some gal named Rottin’Milk.

Tim: …

Tim: Wait

*** Steph: *On the phone while on patrol* Listen, Tim, galas are boring ok? I wrote it in the bathroom for kicks and gigs. How was I supposed to know the world would love making fun of you too??

[batfamspews]

*Jason Todd is sitting on the couch in the living room, laptop on his lap*

Tim: *Enters the room from behind him* Hey Jason!

Jason: *Startled, slams his laptop shut* OH! Hey Drake!

Tim: *glances at him suspiciously* What were you looking at there dude?

Jason: …

Jason: *Sweating* Illicit goods.

Tim: Oh my gosh you were on Pinterest again, weren’t you?

Jason: … No?

Tim: …

Jason: …

Tim: Find any good Pride and Prejudice memes?

Jason: *sighs and opens his laptop* Yeah. Take a seat.

[batfamspews]

Clark: Sooooo why aren’t you in therapy?

Bruce: Justice is all the therapy I need.

Clark: … Actually I’m pretty sure people who have as much pent up rage as you shouldn’t be administrating justice… Bruce: If I got therapy they’d probably try to get me to heal from my trauma. How am I supposed to save Gotham without the motivation of my parents murder?

Clark: Like I do? By healing from my grief and caring for others who are less fortunate than me?

Bruce: My kids use up every ounce of care left in my body. Grief it is.

Clark: Bruce, come on man this isn’t healthy. You’re telling me you’ve never met with a mental health professional?

Bruce: Actually, Soups, I do. Quite often actually.

Clark: Really? I thought you said you didn’t go to therapy.

Bruce: I don’t. All the mental health care professionals I meet up with are villains.

Clark: ….

Bruce: Now that I think about it though, they did help me out a time or two. I don’t think any stranger has ever talked to me about my trauma as much as they do, and I always feel better afterwards. You might be on to something, Clark, but I get all the therapy I need while I’m out there fighting for the city.

Clark:

Clark: I have no words…

[batfamspews]

Nightwing: Alright you nuisance! Time to go back to jail where you belong!

Crook: TRY TELLIN’ THAT TO MY GUN!

Red Hood *from the rooftop of another building*: Hold on a second. Is that who I think it is?

Crook *startled*: Hood?

Red Hood *jumping down from the building and landing in front of the masked criminal*: Heeey, Tony! Long time no see!

Crook (apparently named Tony): Hood! I haven’t seen you since you put me in rehab!

Red Hood *slowly taking the gun from Tony and placing his hand on his shoulder*: True! What happened dude? I thought it was going well.

Tony: Well, it was. I don’t really know what happened.

Red Hood *Chuckles*: Tony, are you off your medicine again?

Tony: Ah, yes, now that you mention it, it has been a while since I took that. I was feeling great, so I didn’t think I needed it anymore.

Red Hood: Remember what we talked about last time this happened?

Tony *thinking*: Uuuuh I’m not sure. Oh! That’s right! You told me to talk to a doctor when I had questions about my medicine!

Red Hood: That’s right! Don’t you think you should have done that before you stopped taking it this time?

Tony: Should I have? Aw man, I probably should have. I messed up, didn’t I?

Red Hood: Yeah, but we all mess up sometimes. The important thing is that nobody got hurt. We might want to get you back to rehab before you make another decision you regret though.

Tony: Yeah, you’re probably right. Will you come visit me this time?

Red Hood *putting his arm around his shoulder*: Will do. Gotta make sure you don’t get into any trouble!

*A few hours later*

Dick: Jason that was incredible! How’d you know him like that.

Jason *Shrugging*: I try to make a point of getting to know all my villains personally, at least a little bit. Helps me figure out what’s actually going on in their head and predict what they’ll do. I also noticed they usually listen to me more when I get to know them a bit and don’t just see them as the bad guy, even when everybody else does.

Dick: That’s amazing, I’m going to have to try that. Where did you learn to do that?

Jason *getting a flash back to when he first met Bruce while stealing the tires off the Batmobile*: Heh. I guess I’m just a natural.

[batfamspews]

Bruce: As you all know, this mission is going to be dangerous so I want you guys to pair up. Whoever’s left over will go with me.

Sounds of people shuffling around the room followed by an awkward silence

Jason (only one standing alone without a teammate): …

Jason: Wooooow do I really scare you guys that much? You guys are really going to stick me with that old fart?

Dick: Sorry, Jason. I promised Damian I’d team with him this time.

Damian: Yes. Last time I did a mission with you Todd, you threw me off a building.

Steph: Cassie and I have been dyyyyying to work together for the longest time and this is the first time our schedules have aligned for long enough to do it.

Cass: Nods in agreement Tim: Last time we worked together you called me a nerd the whole time, completely disregard the plan and almost got us both killed.

Duke: I am genuinely just scared of you.

Jason: … You know, all pretty valid points. Looks like it’s you and me, old man.

Bruce *pinching his brow*: I knew this was a bad idea…

[batfamspews]

Dick, telling Bruce about a high school peer during a family dinner: And I was like, look, getting a rescue dog is great but maybe wait it out a bit. You’re too busy to take care of it and wouldn’t necessarily be “rescuing it” by putting it into another bad situation.

Jason kicking back in his chair and twirling his fork: Wish Bruce had thought of that before he “rescued” all of us, huh?

Everybody turns and glares at him

Jason: What?

[batfamspews]

What I think the bat kids’ favorite social media platforms would be

Dick: Snapchat, purely because he likes messing around with filters and customizing his avatar. He also nicknamed his ai ChatBot and poured out his heart to it a few times.

Jason: Pinterest, but he doesn’t want other people to know it. He has mood boards for his favorite pieces of literature on there.

Tim: Reddit. When he’s having a hard day, proving people wrong gives him the ego boost he needs.

Damian: This boy communicates exclusively through Gmail. Jon also is only aloud to have an email account, so sometimes they’ll write back and forth.

Duke: Idk how to explain it, but he’s definitely a YouTube shorts guy.

Steph: Instagram junkie. Sometimes she gets scolded during family dinners for liking mildly disturbing reels. She thinks it’s funny.

Babs: Created a Discord when she was 13. Still uses it.

Casa: Facebook. She thinks the middle aged mom jokes are funny and shows them to the rest of the family. They fake laugh so she doesn’t feel bad.

Bruce: Twitter. Need I say more?

[batfamspews]

This is satire but seriously…

Babs: Bruce I know I may be getting a little ahead of myself but since Damian put down the mantle I’ve been looking out for a new Robin and I think I might have found the perfect one. Bruce: Oh really? What makes him so perfect?

Babs: Well, first of all he’s a boy genius. He’s only thirteen years old and he’s already graduated high school and is now studying med school.

Bruce: Intriguing. And the parents?

Babs: Dead. Casualty of the bombing downtown last Saturday. He has no known relatives. Bruce: I see. And physical abilities?

Babs: Extremely athletic. He placed first in his division for poll vaulting– for the whole state of New Jersey.

Bruce: *visibly getting excited* Excellent! And his moral compass? Babs: As humble and generous as they come. He serves out of his own free will in disaster relief efforts and raises money at his school for the victims.

Bruce: This kid sounds too good to be true! Do you think he would be willing to become my next Robin?

Babs: Very likely if it would mean getting adopted by the richest man in Gotham City and helping those in need. He also went Trick or Treating as Robin for the past 4 years, which I think is pretty telling.

Bruce: I can’t believe it! This is perfect! He couldn’t have come at a better time.

Babs: *hesitantly* There is one more thing Bruce.

Bruce: *Detecting the apprehension and raising his eyebrow* What is it Barbara…

Babs: Well, there is one thing that makes him a little bit different from the rest of the Robins. It’s not a big deal, just an appearance thing.

Bruce: Oh! That shouldn’t be a problem! We embrace diversity in this househol—

Babs: He’s a brunette

Bruce: Absolutely not.

[batfamspews]

Bluey

Jason: Are you seriously watching a kid’s TV show?

Steph: Yeah, it’s actually really good. I don’t know why, but the way that the parents parent has some kind of chokehold on me.

Jason: *Laughs* That’s ridiculous. Seriously who just watches cartoon dogs to cope? That’s so weird. *Pauses, watches the TV and slowly takes a seat next to Steph*

*An hour later*

Bruce: *walks into a room full of emotional young adults watching the show* Are you guys serious?

Steph: LET US GRIEVE THE CHILDHOOD WE NEVER HAD!

Jason: MAYBE IF YOU WATCHED THIS YOUR PARENTING STYLE WOULDN’T SUCK

[batfamspews]

Nightwing: If you murder a murderer, the number of murderers on the earth stays the same.

Jason: … Ok so you’re severely underestimating the dent I’ve made in the murderer population and honestly it’s kind of hurtful.

[batfamspews]

Batman, walking through crime alley: This is where I watched my parents die, Jason.

Jason: Cowabummer.

[batfamspews]

A snippet of a draft I found and decided i might as well post.

Steph: *teaching Cass how to braid* then you just switch to hair in these fingers to your thumb like this- you see? Then cross it over…

Cass: *carefully mimicking Steph’s directions and showing her what she did to verify she got it right*

Steph: *leaning over and nodding in approval* perfect. I wish I could learn as fast as you. It’s just your first time and it’s beautiful.

Tim: *sitting on the floor with his head in between Cass’s legs, tilting his head back against the couch cushion so he can look in to Steph’s eyes* I’m sure it looks great but why are you doing it in my hair again?

Steph: Babs is gone and other than her, you have the longest hair.

Tim: are you trying to harass me into getting a haircut?

Steph: As much as I would like to see it at least styled for once and not looking like a bird’s nest, this has nothing to do with you and everything to do with Cass and me. She promised to braid my hair if she learned how so I’m teaching her. You’re just the guinea pig. *pats him on the head and then pushes it forward so he’s looking straight ahead* now hold still.