the idea of them sitting down at a restaurant for lunch with shane's parents and shane was running late so ilya's already done the whole allergy check by the time he gets there, and the waitress is waiting to take his order and shane is a little ruffled because Late and Person Is Waiting On Me, so ilya ever so helpfully, "the chicken sandwich loves you" "ilya please" "the chicken *burger* hates you, though. she is slut for sesame seeds." "can you please just be normal about this ONE time." yuna from across the table: "the salmon salad loves you, too, if you get it without croutons." "i swear to GOD i will move to another table."
(referencing this post)
this is so cute and so funny and i am enjoying shane's embarrassment and despair at the hands of his concerned and loving family so much
david very helpfully volunteers that "the tilapia, uh.... cheated on you? since last time? they said they changed the recipe for the breading and now it has almonds."
shane puts his head in his hands like "maybe anaphylaxis would be better than this. i'm not even that hungry."
"shane! there's no need to be so dramatic," yuna says.
ilya, ever the helpful menace, has a suggestion. "lyubimyy, we ordered loving appetizers for the table to share. you and i could split a main dish as well? it will be like a threeso—"
shane stands up, tells the waitress "i am so sorry for the delay. i'll have the salmon salad without croutons," and goes to use the bathroom for A Moment Of Peace, Please God Above
the waitress has so many questions, and she is getting no answers. but she very carefully logs the order and notes that it's because of allergies, and she gets a very nice tip at the end of the hollander-rozanov family's lunch.
shane after being told so sincerely, "i already checked menu. there are many lovers for you." iN THIS PUBLIC SPACE. ILYA, OTHER PEOPLE CAN HEAR YOU.
(also david trying to adopt this metaphor is fucking KILLING ME) (shane just ready to sink into the pit of the earth as his parents are telling him that the bread at this restaurant got a mistress since last time) (it's sesame) (free him)
the margherita pizza now has a second family :(
shane knows, abstractly, that service workers tend to recognize regular customers. he's heard about people who walk into their favorite coffee shops and have their drinks already waiting for them at the counter by the time they step up to order.
having a waitress memorize his entire list of allergens and adopt the colloquialisms his family uses to refer to them feels like it goes a good deal beyond that, however. he can not believe this is happening to him. thank god this hasn't been leaked to social media.
(yet. which he's thankful for! because he's feeling like it's becoming increasingly likely for someone to get an out of context video of ilya saying some shit like "this focaccia is ready to fall deeply in love you" or "the curry is a cheater. has many affair babies with cashews, and is not even paying child support." shane doesn't know what he'll do when that happens)
OH NO
i feel like shane would fucking DIE of humiliation if it happened, but the idea of a video going viral that's just the two of them slightly out of frame at an event and at a distance, so what the camera catches is shane takes a bite of a cookie, ilya turns and goes, "no! spit it out *muffled audio* slut. bad." and shane immediately grabs a napkin and spits it out, and then ilya puts a hand on his back and the two of them walk out of the room very fast.
and the reaction online is oh my GOD??? ilya rozanov treats him like this??? what an ASSHOLE?? controlling what he eats?? calling him a SLUT IN PUBLIC?? BECAUSE HE WANTED A *COOKIE*??? and then making him LEAVE???
and how do you even START to explain, "no, my husband has food allergies, and it's an ongoing joke that food loves him or is a slut and will kill him. he thought the cookie was one of the safe ones we requested catering to have, but it was one of the ones from a multi-pack i saw earlier, and there were peanut butter cookies near it, and saying the cookie is a slut was the fastest way to communicate that he needed to spit it out NOW so he could go rinse his mouth out."
the idea of ilya actually being a really good husband but it looking SO BAD because it requires so many layers of context is fucking SENDING ME.
okay okay, i think i'm cooking now and i can combine your earlier addition with @quietellen on another reblog chain.
it is AFTER the scandal of #SlutCookieGate and hollanov's attempt to explain it all away that a local ottawa restaurateur sees an opportunity.
"and here's how i can become the exclusive caterer for all MLH and centaurs events in ottawa! i will not serve anything out of a fucking multipack, to start. i have dignity and honor and respect for my craft. and also basic knowledge of food safety with regards to cross contamination."
MAN one of the reasons they started this restaurant is because their sibling has severe allergies, and they remember growing up what a PAIN it was trying to find places that were safe and diligent about food allergies. they don't make a MASSIVE deal about it, but one of the reasons that shane and his parents started going to this place years ago is that they list allergens on their menu and are good about adhering to avoiding cross-contamination (allergy-friendly corner of the kitchen, flag system for "allergy!", double-checking on things, etc.).
following #CookieGate, they don't go loud and proud about posting "well WE'VE never poisoned superstar athlete shane hollander" because that's a surefire way to make sure he never comes back, but the menu gets a fresh little redesign to make it even easier to read through allergies and also lists possible subs to account for common allergies.
local restaurant successfully pssp pssp pssping its way to success through the avenue of specifically and subtly accomodating the needs of shane hollander. XD
