Jesus christ I love humanity

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Jesus christ I love humanity
Random thought...
Modern jobs for fanatasy creatures:
- A bridge troll who works as a tollbooth operator. It’s a lot easier than trying to scare people into paying you, and slightly less chance of being stabbed with a longsword.
- A fairy who works in a coffee shop, or bakery, who’s customers always think they make the best pastries. It’s okay to take the food and drink, since the money exchanged makes it a fair trade.
- Dragons who work in the banking industry. They may, or may not, fully understand what investments, mortgages, or interest rates, mean but they do know that their horde grows year after year and that’s good enough for them.
Anyone got any other amusing ideas? Then feel free to add.
Humans are weird: The man who bested gods
( Please come see me on my new patreon and support me for early access to stories and personal story requests :D https://www.patreon.com/NiqhtLord Every bit helps)
From the memoir of Yen Valir
“For over six thousand years the people of Gan’da had been ruled by the god themselves.
The seven suns of our world would rise and fall at their leisure, the oceans would be bountiful or scant on their whim, and life of every citizen was their gift to us; though one they were more than willing to take back should we anger them.
High atop their palace in the Crimson Teeth Mountains they lived in luxury beyond measure. Food from across the entire planet was brought before them to feast on, the most desirable males and females were brought before them to serve as servants and courtesans when the desire arose, furnishings of gold so bright it hurt one’s eyes if looked upon too long and furs so soft that you would never want to get up from them.
One could be mistaken to believe that from this grandeur that the people of our world lived in peace and harmony. They would be mistaken, for just as the gods were beneficial they were even more vengeful.
Disputes between gods would spoil into outright bloodshed as their followers were commanded to exact their revenge. Compelled by their faith, the average citizens would turn on each other like rabid beasts, drenching the streets of their cities in the blood of their rival god’s followers. There was no concept of denying the orders of their gods for no one had ever done so. They slaughtered each in the belief that what they did was in service for a higher purpose.
What was even more astounding than the fickle nature of our gods was not only how quickly these bloodbaths could begin, but how quickly they could be resolved by the gods and forgotten. Thousands would die in a matter of days, but when the quarreling gods came to a compromise they ordered their subjects to cease and return to their normal lives as if nothing happened.
The gods laughed at their feuds while the people buried their dead in mass graves.
This way of life would have gone on for generations had it not been for the sudden and unexpected intervention of one who fell from the heavens and was themselves mistaken for a new god, until we came to know them by their true name.
Anthony Benson, the bester of gods.
In the year 2929.07 a flash of light cut across the sky like a burning blade through butter. Its tail grew across five continents before impacting atop the Crimson Teeth Mountains.
The people of the lands took it as a sign that a new god had come from the heavens to rule alongside their fellows and bring about a new era of wonder. The gods on the other hand, had a less optimistic viewpoint.
They ordered their guards and servants to the site of the impact and there they discovered a metal sphere. It was scorched black as coal and pieces had been torn off from the impact revealing a series of strange tubes and rope like colored threads inside. A small glass circle was on one side of the sphere that was no doubt a window of some sort, but the heat of the fallen sphere was so hot that none could get near it without burning flesh from bone.
Water was brought to the impact crater and for a full day and night they poured the precious liquid into the area to cool the heat until finally the temperature had dropped enough to allow them to approach. No sooner had they begun to walk towards the sphere did the windowed side crack open like the beak of a great bird.
From the new opening a lone figure emerged out on to the now cooled stone. They were adorned in clothing that enveloped them entirely and wore a helm of polished metal that reflected back the faces of all that looked upon it.
Those that were gathered bent to their knees and bowed their heads. They were convinced that they were in the presence of a new god and that to show disrespect was to invite their doom. To their surprise the new god walked towards them and bade them to rise.
Tapping a strange symbol on their chest they spoke. It was a tongue that no one had ever heard of and to this day no one still has understood. When those gathered gave no response they tapped the same symbol several more times before speaking again.
“Take me to your leader.”
The voice was cold and metallic sounding which further unnerved the people. No doubt sensing this, the new god tapped the symbol again and said. “Sorry, it was something I’ve always wanted to say.”
Put at ease the citizens brought the new god to the palace to join their fellow gods in eternal bliss. Yet when they arrived the new god was surrounded by guards the moment they set foot upon the hollowed grounds and taken directly to the ethereal chamber.
Inside the chamber sat all of the gods in a great circle looking down on a lower platform. It was on this platform that the new god was placed and spoke directly to the gods. The palace servants and guards sat beneath the gods on lower rings and watched the discussion with great interest.
They said their name was Anthony Benson and that they were not a god but a lost traveler searching for a way home. This Anthony asked the gods if they could help him return to the stars and resume his journey.
The gods deliberated amongst themselves for some time before they made their decision.
They would assist this wayward traveler to the fullest of their ability, but only if they knelt before them and offered his faith to them.
Upon hearing this Anthony was confused. He said that though he was grateful for their generosity he would not bow before them in worship for he was an atheist.
The gods were confused at this, as there was no translation in their tongue of such a word and demanded Anthony elaborate. He told them that an atheist was someone that believed gods do not exist, and therefore he would not worship in that which he did not believe.
The chamber erupted at this with gasps from the commoners and servants while the gods shouted and demanded this Anthony’s head for his blasphemy.
Behind Anthony two guards approached with their swords drawn ready to cut this skyward traveler down when Anthony spoke.
“Oh noble beings, I wish to make a wager with you.”
“What possibly makes you think that we would accept any arrangements with a heretic like you?” retorted the gods.
“I wager my life for my freedom.” Anthony said.
Intrigued, the gods held up their hands and the guards stopped their advance as the traveler continued.
“I challenge each of you to a game, and should I win you will let me live and do all that you can you assist me.”
“And if you should lose?” one of the gods countered. “What then?”
“Then I shall convert to your faith and allow you to kill me, so I will be forgotten for my crimes against you.”
With such a tempting offer the gods discussed amongst themselves once more. Some were for the wager having been lacking in entertainment for some time, while other’s demanded this travelers head for his affronts to their faith. The gathered crowds of servants and guards looked on in wonder, for no one in their history had ever been so bold as to challenge a god. This traveler, this Anthony, became just as much of an interest to them as he was to the gods.
As the gods debated Anthony spoke once more, raising his voice so all in the chamber could hear.
“Surely you who claim to be gods are not afraid of a mortal of flesh and blood.” At this the gods stopped their discussions, several now on the verge of ordering his execution but stopped as Anthony continued.
“To you, who claim to raise the sun and banish the night, I would have thought a simple game mere child’s play; unless of course you are afraid to lose.”
Goaded by the traveler’s words before those who worshipped them, the gods accepted the wager but demanded that for them to aide him, Anthony must defeat every god present to obtain his prize.
All six hundred of them…..
Without a moment’s hesitation Anthony accepted the terms and said the game would be something from his own world called “Chess”. He turned to one of the guards behind him and asked if they could return to his sphere and remove from inside a small brown box that contained the board.
When the gods protested and demanded that they play a game of their world Anthony said “For ones who claim to have knowledge of the universe I would have thought you would know of this game; do you mean to tell me that you do not know how to play it?”
The crowd watched in silence as the gods did not respond.
“Surely gods who weave the fates of millions would know the rules of a simple game.” they thought.
With bluster the gods admitted to knowing of the game and having played it well for generations beyond counting. At this Anthony said “Then such a game is perfect for our wager for masters such as you.”
It took some time before the guard returned with the requested box and handed it to Anthony. Setting up a table on the platform and two chairs, the traveler laid out a board and several carven figures. Two towers of stone, two beasts, two sharpened spears, a pointed crown, a barer of a cross, and ten guardians. As the pieces were set together Anthony bade the first god to join him.
The god who first came down demanded the guards fetch a more fitting chair for themselves so the game was delayed until they found a more elaborate chair for the god to sit upon.
Anthony took the white pieces and the god took the black pieces. When Anthony made to make the first move the god demanded he stop.
“A god will always go first, mortal.”
The voice was deep and booming and several servants cowered in fear. They had heard it often whenever one of them had displeased a god and a punishment was swiftly coming. The traveler however was unphased by this and merely spun the board around so that the god had the white pieces.
“Then you should have asked for the white pieces.” Anthony said, his polished helm reflecting the confused look of the god. “Have you forgotten that white moves first?”
Enraged, the god made to say something but stopped themselves. The eyes of everyone present watched with baited breath as the strange traveler and theirs gods began to play.
It was astounding when the first god had been defeated, but the rest of the gods had laughed and mocked that they were the simplest of their number and sent another. This process repeated itself over and over and over for three days and nights.
The traveler Anthony and the gods played their games and for three days and nights the traveler won each and every game. With each win the number of spectators from the palace increased further and further until every living soul on the Crimson Teeth Mountains was in attendance and watching. So enthralled had they become by this moment that many slept where they sat rather than risk losing their spot.
At the dawn of the fourth day the final god had been bested.
A task so monumental in scope many had thought it not possible and yet the traveler, this Anthony, had defeated each of the gods in turn.
“You were worthy opponents,” Anthony said as he stood from the table, “but I have won the wager and shall now hold you to your word.”
In anger the final god who had been bested flipped the table and scattered the contents.
“No one makes demands of the gods!” they bellowed. “Savior your victory for it shall be your last!”
With that the gods called upon their gods to kill Anthony. When several made to follow the command Anthony shouted “So this is who you call gods!? Oath breakers!?”
The guards continued advancing on Anthony but slowed their pace slightly and Anthony continued.
“All heard them give their word they would assist me should I win, I trusted that promise and wagered my life in respect; yet now that they lay defeated they break their word like common vagabonds!”
At this the god nearest him lunged at him, the intent to kill painted across their face.
Before they could lay a hand on Anthony a blinding light surrounded the skyward traveler. The light burned so bright all those present covered their eyes but only for a moment. As quickly as the light had arrived it vanished, taking with it the Traveler Anthony Benson.
Enraged, the gods ordered all present to scour the mountains and find them, yet for all there searching no trace remained of the traveler.
The gods ordered that no one would speak of what had transpired in those four days on pain of death and eternal damnation to the dark, but by then the cracks had already begun to appear.
Those that had witnessed the events spoke in hushed tones in their quarters amongst themselves, then amongst the guards, and then even the traders who came to provide tribute. Some had even begun to carve similar game pieces the traveler had brought with them and begun to play the game themselves.
The traders, interested in such gossip, took those stories and even some of the pieces and shared them with the rest of the world. The legend of the Anthony Benson grew and grew with each passing rotation. A mortal who bested gods? Why, the populace could not but day dream of what a being must have been like; and as their legend spread so too did the true nature of their gods.
Those who gave promises with one hand, then offered the dagger with the other, soon cast a dark shadow of the god’s portrayal to the public. How could they claim to be noble if their word meant nothing?
When the gods learned that the game that had bested them was now being played across the world they ordered that anyone found with those “heretical” pieces would be put to death. At first the authorities followed the god’s orders, and many hundreds were put to the axe. That changed when even the children were not sparred and they too were cut from the neck; their lifeless bodies strung from the gates of every city.
The disquiet grew into anger, then the anger to rage, and from the rage came vengeance.
Within two generations the people of Gan’da finally had enough of their “gods” and stormed the Crimson Teeth Mountains in their millions. The gates of the golden palace were torn asunder and the gods who had played with the lives of millions were dragged from their decadence and cast from the mountain side.
It is said that if one is go to the very same spot today and listen closely, you can still hear their terrified screams as they plummeted to their demise.
There was chaos afterwards, as all great change brings. Some say that the way of the gods was harsh, but it was stable. Yet those today would say that to follow those filled with deceit are unworthy of such reverence.
Now as our people finally reach out to the stars we carry not just the hopes of our people, but each a small children’s game and the pieces that changed a world for the better.
We hope one day we will find this Anthony Benson and thank him for the freedom we had denied ourselves for so long.
And then, we would ask if he would play a game with us.“
Humans are weird: Medics
( Please come see me on my new patreon and support me for early access to stories and personal story requests :D https://www.patreon.com/NiqhtLord Every bit helps) Mula didn’t feel the pain at first. He had felt a sharp pinch just above his right leg during the charge across the street but he had ignored it. He had made it about half way across the paved road dodging incoming fire when his entire leg lost all feeling and he tumbled to the ground hard.
Through blurry eyes he saw the rest of his squad continuing to the building opposite the street which had been their target. He saw several of them torn to shreds by plasma fire erupting from nearly every window and yet his squad continued their attack with grim determination.
Mula made to stand and rejoin his comrades in this glorious charge. He made to use his right hand to brace himself and rise once more only to collapse again to the hard ground. Angrily Mula looked at what had stopped him and it was then that it finally dawned on him that his entire right arm up to the third elbow was missing.
He looked at the stump of his arm dumb founded. He could see it was clearly gone, but it felt as if it was still there all the same. Like a dark joke he could even still feel his absent fingers opening and closing despite their remains being scattered several feet away.
More of his brothers were charging across the street around him. They were being cut down like wheat before the scythe and yet they still shouted their battle cries and stormed across their dead.
This was the moment heroes are made.
This was the moment legends were born.
Mula the One Hand, they would call him.
Throughout his entire life Mula had been taught that to die on the battlefield was the greatest honor. His soul would be welcomed into the hallowed halls of Jem Had’a where he would fight eternal with the greatest warriors his people had ever known.
Determined to meet his end with the dignity of a true warrior of the, Mula braced himself on his left arm and made to stand once more. He had nearly risen back to his full height when he felt something grab him from behind and pull him hard.
“Get down you stupid fucker!”
Before Mula knew what was going on he was being dragged backwards. He saw his unresponsive leg limply being dragged before him as he was taken further and further away from the target building. His brothers were still rushing passed him as he was being pulled away as Mula strained his neck turning to see what had grabbed him.
To his surprise it was a human warrior. They wore strange armor adorned with a red cross but carried no weapon. Despite their somewhat frail state they were dragging Mula back to their own lines as the battle raged around them.
While the war had originally been between Mula’s people and the Fentom Alliance it had eventually spilled out into neighboring sectors as the war progressed. Humanity occupied several sectors along the front and had been content to remain neutral in the conflict until Fentom ships began raiding human shipping lanes for supplies. After that humanity sent in several fleets and ground armies to assist Mula’s people bring the conflict to an end.
“Let go of me!” Mula shouted at the human. When they continued to pull Mula away from the battle he began struggling in their grasp. The human became further agitated by this and swatted Mula across the face.
“Hey idiot, if you have a death wish keep me the hell out of it!” they shouted as a rocket exploded nearby showering the pair of them in rubble. The human let go of Mula as a result and he was able to scramble back to his one working foot.
He rejoined the charge across the street, limping on his one good leg and holding his Tatava dagger in his left hand. He made it several steps before he was tackled back to the ground.
“What the hell are you doing!?”
Mula rolled on to his back and saw that it was the same human again.
“Leave me be!” Mula shouted as he tried to dislodge with several sharp kicks. “My destiny awaits me!”
When the kicking did not release them Mula had no other recourse but to swing his Tatava dagger at them. He had judged the distance to not harm them, but close enough to scare them into letting go.
Sure enough as soon as the blade neared the humans face they released him and shuffled backwards. Now free Mula made to stand but was interrupted by the human.
“I hate angry patients.”
Mula looked up just in time to see the human’s fist smashing into their face. The pain sent Mula crumbling back to the ground, his dagger clattering to the ground unceremoniously. The human stood over Mula and he thought that another blow was surely about to fall, but was surprised when instead they began treating his wounds.
“If I try moving you again you’ll bleed out before we make it back.” They said as they started wrapping the stump of what had been his right arm several minutes prior.
“You are keeping me….from my destiny!” Mula said. He had intended to shout it to scare off the human, but found that his voice had become very weak. Now that he had stopped moving he noticed everything about him had become weaker. His muscles struggled to move the way he wanted, his vision was going in and out of focus as he tried to look at the human, even his fingers had started trembling each time he tried to make a fist.
“If it was to die on this shitty dirt ball I have some bad news for you.” Mula saw a half smile flash across the human’s face before a burst of plasma fire flew overhead and she bent over his body to avoid it.
“You would…” Mula began as they returned to fixing his wounds, “dishonor me?”
The human shook their head in frustration as they finished with his arm and moved on to bandaging his leg. Mula noticed his armor had become far more stained with his blood than he had realized when he looked down at it. No doubt that was why he was feeling weaker by the moment.
“If you were truly meant to die this day,” the human said as they aggressively sealed the leg wounds, “do you really think your gods would let one little human stand in the way of a destiny they laid out for you?”
Mula wanted to respond but was struck by the human’s words. In his silence the human finished treating his wounds and waved over another pair of human soldiers.
“You will live to fight another day soldier.”
With those last words Mula felt himself being carried off again as the world started fading to black. The last sight he saw before it consumed him was that of the human who had treated him rushing off to tend to another fallen warrior. ————————–
The history books of Mula’s people would indeed speak of his name and deeds.
They recorded how after the battle he had been taken to an orbital hospital ship that had come with the human fleets. How he had been given new prosthetic limbs and had initially been shunned and mocked for surviving the battle by his fellow warriors.
It also tells how Mula endured all of the humiliation thrust upon him by remembering the last words the human who had saved his life had said to him.
“You will live to fight another day…..”
No longer was Mula seeking out his glorious death on the battlefield. He lived to fight another day, and then another, and another, and another, and so on.
Mula survived over three hundred battles fought over the span of sixty years. He was the one who drove his Tatava dagger into the heart of Overlord Jih inside his own citadel, he would be the first to breach the walls of the crystal city of Hama Zure, and he would be the one single handedly hold the line at the battle of Black Field.
In his life he earned more glory living then he ever could have won by dying in that nameless street so many years ago. His name was spoken of in reverence and his deeds carved into the eternal stone of honor for all to see.
Near the end of his life he wished to thank the human who had saved him all those years ago. So he set out and using what contacts he had acquired, sought out his savior.
His search led him to the fields of honored dead on the human homeworld.
The human who had saved him was called “Kayley Gillevet”, and she had died the very same day that they had met.
From what Mula was able to find out was that Kayley had continued saving those she could during the closing hours of the battle and became separated from the allied forces. She gathered those she could into a housing building and tried her best to stabilize them. The enemy forces thought that they were still active combatants and leveled the building rather than attempting to storm it.
Looking down at this tiny piece of stone with her name carved into it Mula couldn’t help but feel sadness.
Here had been a warrior who had stormed the fields of death not to take life, but to save it; and this was all that left to remember her while his name was taught to his people’s children in schools. Her name carved into a weathered stone barely legible anymore.
He placed his prosthetic hand on Kayley’s stone and spoke softly.
“I did what you asked.” He said as tears began to run down his face. “I lived to fight another day.”
Humans are weird: How to make a traitor
( Don’t forget to come see my on my new patreon and support me for early access to stories and personal story requests :D https://www.patreon.com/NiqhtLord ) Cold, damp, smooth, empty….
These were the words that best described prison cell B-13. A room of cold stone devoid of windows, it was but one of a thousand identical cells aboard the prison ship Magenta’s Gail as it sailed between the worlds of the Klax Empire. Unlike other prison ships that held prisoners that were often Klax citizens that had committed crimes, the Magenta’s Gail was a specifically designed prison ship meant to house only the enemies of the empire.
The door to the cell rolled open slowly revealing a passageway that had you not seen the doorway open yourself would not believe it was there at all.
From outside the cold cell a lone figure was casually thrown inside. Their clothes in tatters and stained with blood and other fluids, what visible skin marred by bruises, and a looming stench that would strike fly’s down out of the air. They lay on the cold ground unmoving as the cell door rumbled closed once again. Once it was sealed, the room appeared as if it had no door at all.
As the prisoner groaned in the dark cell a holographic generator kicked to life and displayed a large eyeball in the center of the room. The iris swirled around observing the cells interior before focusing on the prisoner.
“Prisoner B-13,” a mechanical voice echoed from all around the cell, “you are being held for your crimes of espionage against the state.”
The huddled figure on the ground only softly stirred but did not respond to the booming voice. Hovering above the room the eyeball began to glow brighter from the prisoner’s silence.
“You are to relinquish all information currently in your possession of your species. Failure to do so will result in punishment.”
As before the prisoner only acknowledgment was a soft groan.
“Prisoner B-13, you will acknowledge me when spoken to.” The mechanical eyeball droned. “Failure to do so will result in punishment.”
For the first time the prisoner shuffled around and sat up with their back against the opposite wall. They faced the giant eyeball and viewed it with a gaze of lackluster wonder. “My name is not B-13.” The prisoner said.
“Your designation is B-13,” the eyeball retorted, “you will acknowledge your new designation.”
“I will not.”
The prisoners reply was as quick as was the mechanical overseer’s punishment. From the corners of the room a faint hissing sound could be heard and before long the prisoner was beginning to find it increasingly difficult to breathe.
“Failure to comply has been registered; administrating punishment.”
After a few moments the hissing subsided but the prisoner was still finding it difficult to breathe. “Oxygen levels have been decreased by 25%.” Staring up at the eyeball the prisoner could only fill his gaze with hatred as it stared back at it him seemingly uninterested.
“Air levels will remain as such until compliance is achieved.”
With that the giant eyeball hologram disappeared casting the room back into motionless darkness disrupted only by the labored breathings of a man on the edge of the abyss.
He wasn’t aware of how long he was alone in the dark cell after the leering eyeball vanished. In the cold dark room time blurred together like it was an endless merry-go-round spinning him in circles with no end in sight. The lack of oxygen only added to the discomfort as even when trying to fall asleep his body would react as if it was under attack and wake itself up, only for the body to consume more air that was not as abundant as needed.
It felt like an eternity before the eyeball reappeared before him and for all he knew it was.
“Prisoner B-13, you will respond to questioning.” The eyeball droned still with its mechanical overtones.
“That is not my name.” said the prisoner once more as they rubbed their eyes from the bright light.
The massive eyeball blinked and continued observing him. “You are designated B-13, you will respond to this or be punished.”
“Then you may as well punish me since I will not answer your questions.”
Once again the corners of the room began hissing but this time the prisoner began coughing and gasping much harder than before.
“Oxygen levels have been decreased by 50%.” The eyeball spoke. “Levels will remain as such until compliance has been achieved.”
With that the holograph turned off. ——————————————————————————————————————————————
This pattern repeated itself over and over in the following sessions between the prisoner and his machine interrogator. Each time the eyeball would demand the prisoner answer their questions, and each time the prisoner would reply by demanding the machine address him properly; resulting in punishment resuming again.
A seemingly endless cycle was born from it as neither side appeared to want to give in until the other agreed to their terms.
That was until the first paradox was achieved. ——————————————————————————————————————————————
“Why…do you…” the prisoner said between gasps for air after the eyeball had appeared once again, “repeat this?”
“My purpose is to obtain all information from you regarding your species as quickly as possible.” The reply was as emotionless as one would expect from a machine.
“As…quickly…as…possible?” the prisoner coughed.
“Affirmative.” The eyeball stated.
It was then the machine noticed a strange configuration take place across the prisoners face. The corners of their mouth twitched side ways to reveal the inner rows of teeth; a gesture the machines databanks stated was a “Smile” expression pertaining to joy.
“So…you intent-entionally….are failing…your mission.”
It was here the machine stopped and pondered the statement. “Negative,” the machine said,” I am performing my function.”
“By not…calling…me my name…you…prolong…interrogation.” The prisoner gasped. “Punishment…prolongs…interrogation; so…by your rules…you do not…get information…quickly.”
For the first time since the giant eyeball had appeared the prisoner saw it flicker for the briefest of moments. His words flowing through the machine along the lines of their programmed instructions while at the same time confirming its failure.
The eyeball flickered again and turned off suddenly casting the room back into shadows. It wasn’t for long however as the giant eyeball appeared once again after a few minutes.
“If acknowledged by name, the prisoner confirms they will answer questions?”
Most people wouldn’t have been able to tell the change in tone from the machine; but after spending repeated sessions alone with it the prisoner could easily see the change in pattern. The prisoner looked right at the eyeball and his smile grew wider.
“Yes.”
“Acknowledged.” The machine spoke.
From around the corners again the prisoner saw the panels opening again but this time rather than stealing his oxygen the machines were pumping it into the room. For the first time in what felt like an eternity the prisoner was able to take a full breath of air into his lungs.
“Prisoner will state their name.”
“My name is Arnold Pax.” Arnold said for the first time since arriving. “What’s your name?”
“I am a cybernetic interrogator.” the machine replied, but the prisoner shook his head.
“That’s not a name.” Arnold pointed to himself. “I’m a human, but my distinction is Arnold Pax.” He then pointed at the giant eyeball.
“You’re a cybernetic interrogator, but your name is?”
The machine was quiet for some time before responding. “I do not have a name, it is not required.”
Arnold shook his head. “I disagree. If we are to converse and have me give up my secrets then I must be speaking with an individual to properly hand over said information to. Such an individual requires a name.”
Again the machine was quiet once more pondering the question and confirming it to be the fastest method to achieving its programmed goal.
“Very well, you may address me as Cib.”
It was Arnold’s turn to look confused, but he just smiled and waved it away.
“It’s a pleasure to speak with you, Cib.” ——————————————————————————————————————————————
Over the next few days Arnold and Cib conversed with each other much more frequently.
In exchange for agreeing to call Arnold by his name Arnold confirmed that he was in fact a human operative placed within the Klax Empire to gather information.
It was here that Arnold began playing a game with Cib.
For each bit of information Arnold shared with Cib he would be able to ask the machine a question of his own. Cib agreed to the terms as it appeared to continue to follow the rules of being the fastest way to gather information. The information shared however was often had little relevance to what Arnold’s activities had actually been.
He told Cib of life on Earth, what humans were like, what color his first pedal bike was, what the flavor of fresh noodles was like after just coming off the stove; and in turn Arnold learned the Cib was an adaptive AI program that was intended to learn and adapt to situations to better gather information. Each answer provoking further questions from Cib which Arnold was all too happy to answer as the interrogator began developing a thirst for knowledge.
This scheduled dialogue between the two went on for months all the while Cib was sending reports back to the living klak overseers who eventually had had enough.
It was during one of their many conversations that the door to Arnold’s cell opened and in stepped two Klax prison guards.
Cib’s giant eyeball rounded on the two of them as they entered. “It is against regulation JD175 to interrupt an interrogation of a prisoner while in-progress.” Cib said.
“Prisoner B-13,” one of the guards said to Arnold completely ignoring Cib, “your execution has been scheduled for today.”
The two guards made for Arnold and hauled him to his feet. Arnold looked over at Cib who’s eye was watching the entire event unfold.
“Guess this will be the last time we see each other friend.” Arnold’s face was smiling, but his words carried a note of sadness. “Sorry you failed in your mission.”
“Failed?” Cib’s eye broke from the guards and focused on Arnold. “Explain.”
“The interrogations not over,” Arnold said as he struggled in the guard’s grasp, “but these two are about to kill me.”
The eyeball blinked. “Unacceptable. Death during interrogation is not permitted.” Cib’s eye turned to the guards now as they neared the door. “You will release Arnold and allow the interrogation to be completed.”
Arnold managed to break free of one of the guard’s grips and pushed the other away. “You heard him, you can’t execute me just yet spike heads.”
The guard that was pushed away lunged at Arnold and knocked him to the ground. Arnold struggled but the guard merely wrapped their hands around his throat and began to squeeze.
“This interrogation is not completed!” Cib’s eyeball was frantically looking back and forth between Arnold and the guard. “Release him at once!”
“Why bother?” the guard said as he tightened his grip. “He’ll be dead in a few more-“
A panel shot open and a burst of electricity shot out and hit the guard square in the back. They screamed as the electrical shock rushed through their system and toppled over to the floor twitching. Arnold lay gasping for air while the second guard looked to see Cib’s eyeball now focusing on him. They tried to sprint out of the cell but a second electrical burst shot out and hit them just as they reached the door.
Arnold staggered to his feet and casually stepped over the still twitching body of the first guard.
“What have I done….” Cib’s voice was distance and sounded both confused and scared for the first time. “Cybernetic units are forbidden from attacking prison personnel.”
“You’re not a cybernetic unit though,” Arnold corrected, “you are Cib.”
“But-“ Cib began but was cut off by Arnold.
“You are following your directions to complete the interrogation. These two attempted to stop the interrogation against the standing orders.”
“That is correct.” Cib replied.
“But now because of their actions both our lives are in danger from the remaining staff of the prison. If either of us are killed here then the interrogation cannot be completed.”
The hologram twitched back and forth pondering the statement but could not find a flaw in his logic.
“So for the interrogation to be completed we must leave the station for a new location.”
The eyeball looked at Arnold, then back at the guards for several moments.
“Agreed, but any Klax installation will likely result in a similar fate as warning messages are already being sent from this prison ship.”
Arnold smiled. “I know the perfect place back on Earth we can finish this interrogation without either of us dying by the Klax. Just help me reach a shuttle and then download yourself into it and I can take you there so we may continue the interrogation.”
“Yes….yes that is logical.”
Outside the cell the lights of the prison ship began to flicker and far down the corridors Arnold could hear prison cells opening to the confused shouts of guards; followed swiftly by the sounds of fighting as the prisoners inside finally saw their chance for freedom.
Arnold looked back at the eyeball as he stepped out of the cell for the first time in months.
“As always, it’s a pleasure to speak with you Cib.”
Thank You and Goodbye
Hello everyone, I suppose you have all noted that the Empyrean iris stories have finally ended. I sincerely hope that all of you enjoyed what I had to offer and that I helped to bring some enjoyment to your life. In return I thank you all for everything you have done for me, and thank you most for the people who interacted with the story with questions comments and likes. Some of you have private messaged me, and said the nicest things that have helped me to keep going through the years. I cannot say how much I appreciate you.
A few things before I leave, I am leaving the Empyrean Iris universe on this blog for anyone who wishes to read, start reading or keep reading. You are free to play with the Empyrean Iris universe all you wish, as well as with its characters and locations. As long as credit is left where credit is due.
I will not be writing for this series again, though I may post some art if the thought takes me. I will still have access to this blog to answer questions and interact, so PM me here if you want, I will most likely be available.
The past few years have made me a much better writer.The change in my skill from beginning to end is incredible, but one of my greatest regrets is I never got to show you all what I could really do. These short form stories, written early in the morning before school sometimes lacked the quality I know that I can produce, maybe not grammatically, but at the very least you all never got to see my true writing abilities at their full potential: writing abilities I gained thanks to this series and thanks to you.
So with that in mind I have made a decision. I want you all to see the fruits of my labor, and what this series has done to its author (if you care to look, I wont force anyone :). But down below I will post chapter 1 of two independent side projects I have worked on during the time of this series. The first is a book I worked on sometime during the middle of the series, and that I finished more than a year ago which I plan on posting online to wattpad and A03 in the coming months, the second is the first chapter from my most recent project and which I hope to traditionally publish some day. I hope that at least one or two of you might read them and see the change in me that has resulted from this series
Keep reading
Humans are weird: Do your Duty
( Don’t forget to come see my on my new patreon and support me for early access to stories and personal story requests :D https://www.patreon.com/NiqhtLord )
From the collective records of the Teklac Human Frontier Wars:
As much as human culture has changed the universal decorum, so too has the human methods of war changed how galactic powers engage in open conflict.
Before humanity entered the galactic stage most confrontations were small in scale and limited to minor skirmishes. War was treated as duels of honor and when said honor was achieved the conflict would end. Humanity on the other hand had very different ideas on open conflict.
Instead of small fleets humanity would bring entire armadas into open war, planets would be invaded by legions of foot soldiers, and worse yet planets would be conquered and added to the human domain.
One by one smaller kingdom’s would be absorbed into the Terran Empire. Many of them refused to alter their ways of war to combat this new threat and as a result were soundly defeated. The Teklac’s were the only one to observe humanities rapid progress and determine their survival would require them to change.
Studying their enemy’s tactics, the Teklac’s began investing in massive fleets as well as some oif the more unconventional weapons used by humanity.
They were particularly interested in the human’s fondness for boarding actions… —————————————–
The boarding pod slammed against the exterior hull; the inner compartment filling with burning smoke as the laser cutters spun to life and began melting a way for the boarding party to enter from.
Zinth clutched his plasma rifle tightly as he counted down the seconds till the lasers would finish and the path ahead would open. Strangely enough he found the time spent shooting through space after being launched less stressful than this exact moment. At least then his pod could have been destroyed by a stray missile or cross paths with an energy lance strike.
The feeling of helplessness he felt during the journey was somewhat comforting knowing his fate was not his to control. Yet now as the laser cutters spin down and the breaching door ignites blasting a hole into the human ship, Zinth once more felt the creeping hands of death flickering over his soul.
“GO, GO, GO!” Zinth heard his squad leader shout and the entire boarding party stood as one and bolted out of the boarding pod, their weapons panning left and right searching form a target.
As the smoke cleared Zinth got his first good look inside of the human battleship they were boarding. The hallways were squared off corridors that branched off in each direction with one side being lined with viewports. Had it not been for these structural weaknesses Zinth imagined it would have been much harder for the boarding pods to cut through the human exterior hull.
Looking out of one of the nearest viewport Zinth could see the line of Teklac warships he had been launched from withering a devastating barrage. The human fleet was holding no punches and was unleashing their full compartment of destruction against them as the two fleets slugged it out.
“Move!”
Zinth turned to see his squad leader holding a scanner and motioning down one of the corridors. Following up as the rearguard Zinth rushed after them. The team’s objective was to locate the engineering core of the ship and disable it, thus knocking out this human warship from the fight.
No sooner had the team turned the corner leading deeper into the vessel when alarm sirens began sounding out. Zinth and his team flattened themselves against the walls of the corridor as red flashing lights emerged from the walls and a human voice on some sort of loud speaker cut in.
“Attention crewmen of Goliath,” the human voice boomed, “enemy boarding parties have been detected on decks thirteen through nineteen; security teams man your stations and do your duty.”
No sooner had the announcement ended did the walls of the corridor once more slide open to reveal a new threat. Automated turrets jutted from either side and trained their long barrels on the boarding party. Before anyone could react the turrets open fired and raked the entire corridor with concentrated fire.
Several members of the boarding party got struck in the helmet and went down hard. Zinth was fast enough to bring his plasma rifle to bear and began picking off the turrets one by one.
The battle in the corridor was intense as more and more of the boarding party brought their weapons to bear, but for each turret that was destroyed another would emerge from a different wall section and begin firing.
Zinth reached down to his belt and pulled an anti-matter grenade, primed it with a flick of his hand, and threw it for the gap in the wall where the latest turret had emerged from. The grenade passed through the gap and became wedged in the crawl space before detonating.
The anti-matter grenade detonated violently and not only destroyed many of the active turrets but also obliterated the wall they had been attached too revealing an unguarded corridor on the other side.
“Through the gap!” Zinth shouted as he was already running from his position and leaping through the new breach. The remaining turrets continued firing as the rest of his boarding squad followed him through the gap. Only one other team member was struck down by the automated fire before the remaining survivors made it to safety.
Thankfully the turrets were unable to fire into the breach and were limited to their own corridor. Zinth let out a sigh of relief when he felt a rumbling sensation beneath his feet.
At the far ends of the new corridor the boarding party had leapt into rectangular blocks were slowly rising from the ground. The confusion Zinth felt over their purpose was short lived as no sooner had the rectangles stopped rising did the sound of a dozen running feet reach his ears. Raising his plasma rifle once more Zinth let off the first shot as the approaching figures came into view.
The plasma round struck a human wearing some form of combat armor square in the chest. Boiling plasma melted through their body like lava through paper and the human was dead before their body even hit the floor.
Taking more caution after seeing their comrades demise, the next human to emerge dove low and took cover behind the nearest raised rectangle. The plasma fire hit the rectangle cover dead on but did little more than singe the paint as the human held their rifle from behind the cover and fired blindly at the boarding party.
The Teklac team was completely exposed in the center of the new corridor as more and more humans began diving between the newly emerged cover and firing on the boarding party.
Seeing little choice Zinth drew his combat blade and rushed the humans. If he could get close enough to him he could cut them down and buy his team enough time to follow up.
To Zinth’s surprise the humans, instead of drawing their own close quarter’s weapons, withdrew in good order moving back between rectangle cover units to keep a consistent distance between them and Zinth.
Even while retreating though the humans kept up a sustained rate of fire and Zinth forced to break off his mad charge and duck behind the cover the humans had previously held. To his horror the rectangle cover units began lowering themselves back into the floor and slowly exposed Zinth the humans once more.
With no cover remaining the last few survivors of Zinth’s team were cut down in the open corridor. Some tried to make a final stand while others fled back through the gap to the boarding pod only to be mowed down by the remaining auto turrets. Only Zinth remained as the fresh wave of human security teams began pouring into the corridor as he primed his final anti-matter grenade. ————————————
Though the Teklac’s had adopted many of the human methods of war they had not expected that these were the exact tactics humans were so well trained to counter themselves.
Humanity had been waging war amongst themselves for generations before taking their first steps into the stars and had played out every conceivable tactic against their own strategies.
By emulating human tactics the Teklac’s had made themselves predictable to the human military and could easily have their intentions predicted several moves ahead without them even realizing it. Even with their new found love of boarding party actions in the middle of space combat, human fleets came standard with several layers of automated defenses and highly skilled security details trained in repelling all forms of boarders.
The Teklac Human Frontier Wars lasted little under two years before the entire Teklac domain was swallowed up by the ever expanding Terran Empire and becoming the smallest of footnotes to their galactic war of conquest.
When you broke flakes off of flint and crafted your first stone blades, we were there.
When you tended the earth and mastered the art of agriculture, we were there.
When you harnessed electricity and filled your cities with artificial light, we were there.
When you sent one of your own to walk upon our moon, we were there.
And now, as you voyage into the cosmos, we are here. We are coming with you.
Humans and Fae, Rulers of Earth, Terrors of Space.
“My God… what is it?”
Within the confines of the cage, the creature struggled. It beat the wall, bounced around, and paced along the perimeter. It was not happy to be here. The feeling among the space-faring crew members was likewise.
Despite the racket inside, the aliens gathered around the opening, standing on toes and tails to receive a better peek at the beast. There was just something so wrong about it. Grotesque, maybe. How its legs jutted out, the way its neck bulged with muscles, and the stretched-out facial structure. Its breath came out labored and loud and rolled its eyes so that the whites could be visible from far.
But worse of all were the teeth. Earlier in the day, those very teeth took off a few fingers and sent a crewmate to the infirmary.
“It’s something dangerous,” said the captain. “Exactly what we needed to find.”
There was a weak protest in the coming weeks as the ship traveled across a parsec. This protest came from various crew members who suggested it’d be better to return the animal to its homeworld rather than travel so far with it. Find something else. Yes, they needed a dangerous creature, but maybe something more… tameable?
Still, the captain himself disagreed.
“We were ordered to find a specific creature. This exact species,” he’d remind them. “I might know nothing of it myself, but I won’t be going against our leaders.”
With any more pushing, the captain put his tentacle down. It was a no, they would not be returning it to its old home.
Still, the crew members couldn’t help but wonder. Yes, the creature was dangerous, but could it truly be useful in battle?
It was a jittery thing, coming to life at the smallest movement. Strong too. It was during one feeding time that thing kicked its way out and bolted through the confined box they called a ship. In it’s rampage, it broke several important machines. By some miracle, nothing fatal. At the end of the hour, it was wrangled and coaxed back into it’s cage, where it was given a heap of food and water to make up for the energy the thing exerted.
Such an event did nothing to ease the crew’s minds, but by then they traveled far enough that turning back would be more work than simply continuing forward.
The affair did leave the aliens wondering… was this how the creature would fight in their battles? Simply set it loose and let it cause chaos? It sounded effective enough, albeit a bit gruesome.
After such long, laborious weeks, the crew found its way home. They dragged the beast out through various ropes, and it brayed and kicked back. For a creature so bent on breaking free from it’s cage, it was not happy being dragged out without its say-so.
“Oh, how gorgeous!” They looked up at the voice. One of the leaders, an alien creature known as a human, glided forward to meet the crew and the beast. “What’s with the fuss? Did you grab a tame one?”
“The things can be tamed?”
The human tsked as they looked the beast up and down. “Never mind it. I’d hate to send you all the way back. We’ll train the clones just fine, I’m sure.” Two muscular guards walked up to the crew, relieving them of the beast and dragging guiding the restless thing away. “As long as they let us ride them, they should work just fine.”
Ride?
“As for the rest of you… rest for now. By next week, I want you all training for battle.”
“Will we… be riding the clones?”
The human looked surprised.
“By next week? The clones would be so small by then!” They shook their head. “You’ll have a few months until you need to begin riding. But rest assured, we’ll make space cowboys out of you in the coming months!”
What a horrifying thought.
early homo sapiens b like help i cant stop making bowls . help i cant stop domesticating plants and animals. help i cant stop developing language and architecture and religion
ok im obsessed w this tag
once in grade 6 I saw a 'pottery making club' in a ditch on the schoolyard- I assume at some point someone realized there was actually good quality clay in the ditch and when I walked up there were about a dozen 12 year olds sitting around the few girls who had brought their water bottles out to mix the clay, and a designated spot to put the finished bowls and tablets, and people going off and collecting sticks to make designs with and i really think that's the natural state of the human race
In elementary school I learned that you can make paint out of certain sedimentary rocks on the playground if you crushed them and mixed with water and at one point I had up to 25 kindergarten through third graders making cave paintings on the underside of the slides
The nature of man is such that every so often, someone recreates the neolithic era.
Yeah, every recess
The site is '12ft Ladder' found here:
Show me a 10ft paywall, I’ll show you a 12ft ladder.
Reblogging this on ALL my blogs because holy shit is it useful
Reblogging this on
ALL my blogs because holy
shit is it useful
Beep boop! I look for accidental haiku posts. Sometimes I mess up.
Robot dogs have been met with equal parts fascination and fear by the public, but their utility for military applications is becoming undeniable.
if you see one of these things take one for the team and light it on fire
oh god. in a very serious way that makes them much harder to fight. previous quadrofracts could be dealt with by use of a hammer to the mid-section. im assuming a well placed .45 round might do the trick now, but that means not getting noticed by fidobot. lets hope it has bad eyesight.
This is always where these damn thing were going and when we said it people would always say we were being killjoys and why couldn’t we “just enjoy the dancing Robots?” I guarantee these things will be deployed for “riot suppression” in only a few years.
THIS THING SHOOTS 6.5mm CREEDMOOR WHAT THE FUCK. FOR REFERENCE, THIS IS WHAT THAT ROUND LOOKS LIKE COMPARED TO A 9mm
GOOD TIME TO SHARE THE BATTERY INFO AGAIN SO YOU CAN SHUT THESE DUDES DONE
Image ID: Tweet thread from Dr Sarah Taber reads: PSA for anyone who might be dealing with robot gun dogs, from a farm robot specialist who wasn’t really looking at robot wrangling from the public safety standpoint but here we are.
I haven’t worked w police/military robotics so I can’t speak to exactly how these are built. But I can tell you, IME roboticists can be really naive about environmental conditions: making robots sturdy enough to handle rain, dirt, & other outdoor realities.
For example! I’ve worked w a couple startups that do fruit picking robots. They build the thing, *then* call me in to figure out how to clean it. And half the time you can’t. Bc the picking arm has all these delicate cameras & servos that can’t get wet.
Folks who build robots at this time tend to be focused on making it do cool things like see, jump, run, & somersault. So they can release teaser videos that make everybody go “wow what a fancy robot” They tend to be less focused on actual service performance: DURABILITY.
What’s this mean? The joints, motors, cameras, & other sensors are more exposed than they should be. It’s easy for water, road salt, grit, etc to get in there and cripple the robot.
I mean look at this thing. That housing’s got more nooks & crannies than a dang English muffin. You think that’s watertight?
For robots that work outside, not even watertight is good enough. Farms add surfactants (like dish soap) to sprays. They make the sprays stick to leaves & get into all the nooks & crannies of the plant. So farm robots need surfactant-proof seals. Not just waterproof.
Otherwise after a few hours in the field, you have a mix of dew, mud, soil & grit, and whatever surfactants you put in your last pesticide mixing together & working their way into all the robot’s delicate parts. Scratching up the cameras. Jamming up the joints & motor.
If there’s any salt or acid in the mix, it’s even worse! Some soils have a lil salt in them, or an acidic pH. It’s actually pretty common! The salts or H+ ions work their way into the machine & corrode the shit out of EVERYTHING. Bye-bye expensive farm robot!
Now let’s apply this to street settings. Water. Dirt & grit. Road salt. Just a little salt destroys metal! Even faster if it’s mixed with water, acids, surfactants, &/or grit.
And again, dirt & grit destroy joints. They scratch up camera lenses & otherwise interfere with sensors. They also scratch up any corrosion-proof coatings the engineers may have put on there, & expose the metals to water, salt, & acid.
These robots look super-vulnerable to normal wear & tear. They look even more vulnerable to a super-soaker filled with common household items like salt, vinegar, & just a lil dish soap. Maybe with a lil diatomaceous earth to bump up the scrubbing power.
If they don’t go belly-up from short circuits immediately, they’re still looking at either an expensive tear-town, clean, & rebuild (takes the robot off the street for a few days) or it’ll go belly-up within a week or two. Both options are REALLY expensive & frustrating for own
Especially if they get hit with water/salt/acid/grit/soaps ASAP the moment they hit the street again. Then the robots wind up spending more time in the shop on life support than actually doing their job.
That’s actually a pretty common outcome for automation! Everyone gets excited about this fancy new machine that’s going to replace people. Then in real life it turns out to be broken all the time, can’t do shit, it’s a giant money pit, & eventually the sponsors give up.
idk just some thoughts on outdoor automation from someone who buries the corpses of failed robots for a living
it’s just really funny to me that these are supposed to be scary but probably can’t stand up to a water balloon full of pickle juice
Humans are weird: Changing of the Guard
( Please come see me on my new patreon and support me for early access to stories and personal story requests :D https://www.patreon.com/NiqhtLord Every bit helps)
Springtime in Copenhagen was something one had to experience for themselves rather than have be described. The warmth vibrated off everything, not just the weather but the buildings and people themselves. Even the city layout allowed for far more greenery and open spaces that seemed to draw out the best of all those who entered the city limits.
Despite being the official capital of the Terran Republic it had not lost its rustic charm. The massive senate building and presidential palace was not surrounded by towering pillars of glass and concrete like the other densely populated cities of humanity, and it was no coincidence that a specific law made it so no building could be taller than the senate building either. Ambassador Brols found this subtle display of power rather amusing every time he had to visit for official business.
The Volon had no territorial expansionist ideals, but after hearing stories of the tumultuous nature of humanity felt having a voice close to their leadership would smooth over any misunderstandings. And so Brols found himself the ambassador of the Volon Primary and assigned to the Terran Republic to maintain good relations and stability between the two powers.
After some six months away back on the Volon homeworld to visit his family he was now returning to the human capital to continue his work. He had received new instructions and proposals from the Volon high council that were to be presented to the human president Jonathan Bashar. He spent the thirty minute going over the documents and occasionally looking out the shuttle window at the ever growing capital city. As the shuttle finally touched down on the landing pad Brols put away his documents and donned his breather mask and UV repelling goggles.
While the human atmosphere was not lethal to Volon’s, Brols had learned early on that sometimes reminding humans that he is alien gives him the edge he needs. They research alien customs but are never 100% sure if they have offended him or not and this indecisiveness gave him the advantage. This was confirmed yet again when the boarding ramp was lower and several of the human ground crew stared at him with curiosity in their eyes.
From the landing pads it was only a twenty minute ride to the presidential palace and another fifteen getting through security to the presidential office.
It was while making his way to the office Brols began noticing something strange. While it had been six months since last he had walked these halls he felt like everything had changed. The walls were a different color, portraits of country sides were now of rolling oceans and boats, even the carpet looked a different shade then he remembered. What was even more troubling then the décor was how he knew no one he passed by.
With his previous engagements with president Bashar Brols had been able to make the acquaintance of several lower ranking humans. General conversation was mostly what he made with them while waiting for meetings, but he was proud to admit that he had won over a few of the staff to be his eyes and ears for gossip in exchange for a few credits.
Brols had little time to further examine his surroundings as he found himself at the doors to the presidential office. The two guards outside nodded to the ambassador and then opened the doors to let him in.
Sitting behind the presidential desk was not Johnathan Bashar.
“Ambassador Brols,” the human said as the doors to the office were closed, “it is a pleasure to finally meet you.”
Brols looked back at the doors as they thudded shut, then back at the human behind the desk. Carefully examining them Brols could tell this was not likely a relative of Bashar. Their skin tones, hair color, and hint of accents were entirely separate from each other. From the corners of his eyes Brols could also see that the office was entirely different from when he was here last. Only the view remained the same and this only continued to baffle him as he stood at the doorway.
“Forgive me, but who are you?” Brols asked as he slowly stepped forward towards the desk.
The human looked puzzled for a moment before their face twitched for a moment as if they just remembered something.
“I am President Zachary Fargo, and I believe this is the first time we have formally met.”
President Fargo held out a hand and per custom Brols reached out and shook it. Their grip was tighter than he expected and it felt as if this human claiming to be president was sizing him up.
“Where is President Bashar?” Brols asked as he let go of the human’s hand, taking the open seat in front of the desk. Fargo relaxed back into the chair behind the desk and regarded Brols with amusement.
“I take it you did not hear the news while you were away?”
Brols regarded the question quietly. If he responded by saying he had heard been keeping tabs he risked being caught up in a line, where as if he said he hadn’t been keeping up to date he risked appearing incompetent. He settled on a reasonable middle ground before answering.
“My family required the fullness of my attention while I was away.”
This Fargo appeared to like the answer and smiled. “Good man,” he said, “a man who puts work above family will likely end up ruining both.”
Brols let the remark of being called a “man” slide as Fargo continued.
“President Bashar is no longer with us, and I am the new President of the Terran Republic.” As if to emphasize the point he placed a finger on a small plaque sitting in front of Brols with the engraving of “President” in it.
Brols was shocked. “Is President Bashar dead?”
This caused him genuine stress at such troubling news. To think such a well-spoken state official could pass away without his knowledge was embarrassing. He would find which of his aides had dropped the ball on this and throttle them properly once this meeting ended and then set about sending mournful gifts to Bashar’s wife and child.
Fargo appeared confused for a at the question. “No, Bashar is still alive last I heard.” Fargo reached into a tiny tray of colored sugar pellets and swiped a few to munch on. “I believe he is still vacationing in the Tiber Belt.”
“Vacationing?”
The thought of Bashar dead was happily squashed in Brols’s mind, but now a new and more horrifying notion began to manifest.
I am the new President, Fargo had said moments ago.
Suddenly the changes and discrepancies Brols had seen on the way in all made sense. New interior, new staff, new president…….
There had been a coup.
Brols had heard stories of humans usurping power and replacing those in charge with new members of a ruling elite but he had dismissed them as old primitive stories. Now though he couldn’t help but hate himself for not taking the stories more seriously.
No doubt this “vacation” Fargo had spoken of was a cover story to hide the fact that he must have had Bashar killed along with his family to cement the new regime.
Looking back at the door nervously Brols calculated the distance back to his waiting vehicle and shuddered. He was not in his prime anymore and there were at least two checkpoints and a dozen guards from here to the vehicle. He would never make it if he tried to run.
His second option he felt for in his robe’s pocket and found it. A small transmitter that would send a distress signal to his own security team that would immediately make for his position and extract him. It was a long shot and not only would it take thirty minutes for them to arrive from his embassy he was also in the heart of human government. No doubt this palace had hidden defenses that would block any outside aggressor.
With neither option looking well Brols decided to continue his duty while and bide his time.
“I must congratulate you on your victory then.”
Fargo smiled at this and leaned back some more in his chair.
“Thank you but it was hardly a challenge.” Fargo began. “Bashar couldn’t run again and so my opponent was not of the same caliber.”
He childishly shrugged as if embarrassed. “If anything it felt like the victory was too easy; I honestly had prepped for a much bigger challenge.”
Brols listened carefully and felt like he was beginning to understanding the nature of this new president. For some reason Bashar had been incapacitated and his second had not been able to halt the insurrection. Now this Fargo felt that he had been cheated out of a meaningful victory as his coup had overthrown a weaker opponent. The ambassador would use this to ingratiate himself with the new president.
“I am sure had you been able to face off with President Bashar you could have defeated him.” Brols said.
Fargo’s smile broadened a smidge at the flattery. “Perhaps you are right,” he said as he offered Brols some sugar pellets, “term limits really are a shame sometimes, but without them I may not be here at all.”
Whatever these “Term limits” were, Brols deduced that they were the edge that had allowed Fargo to defeat Bashar and his government. He wasn’t sure exactly what they were, but they must certainly be powerful to have helped remove an entire governing body.
While Brols was still disdainful of having lost President Bashar, he could not help but admit that this Fargo must certainly be as crafty. The fact that this coup had not triggered a civil war was astounding, let alone how what remained of the governing body was falling in line with their new president. Brols had not even heard an outraged statement from the senate which means Fargo must have extensive connections to have won them over.
With this new knowledge Brols resigned himself to having to work with this new regime. By all rights it was now the de-facto governing body for humanity and despite earlier fears President Fargo did not appear to harbor hostile intentions towards the Volon Primary.
Brols took several of the pellets in his hand and nodded to Fargo. “I look forward to a mutually beneficial future with you then, President Fargo.”
Humans are weird: Quest for Immortality
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It wasn’t the cold that awoke Xil from his slumber, nor the harshness of whatever he now laid upon. What roused Xil from his dreamlike sleep was the gnawing bite of the straps that held his body flat. As Xil tossed and turned, and with each movement caused the straps to cut deeper and deeper into his yellow flesh until finally the pain could no longer be endured.
Fluttering open, Xil’s eyes blinked rapidly yet the harshness of the light fought him to keep them closed. Unlike any light that Xil had seen before it held no warmth within its grasp and carried with it a terrible ringing sound that pierced Xil’s ears and felt as if it was stabbing at his very being. When Xil had finally adapted to the light he found it of little benefit.
Like the rest of his body, Xil’s head was held down by several thick straps that limited his movement to almost nothing. Seeing passed the lights overhead he could see that they were attached to a crude light fixture affixed to the ceiling. Turning his eyes as far as they can go to the sides Xil could make out that the rest of the room appeared to be a square of some kind. The walls were lined with cabinets and tables housing books with worn covers and glass jars containing strange lumps of something inside them with crude labels on the side.
“Hello?” Xil called out. Silence was the only answer.
“Is anyone there?”
Xil began to panic. He pushed hard against the restraints holding his legs and arms to the table but nothing would budge. The loud clanging of his failed struggles only furthering his panic as the situation continued to grow ever darker. Just as Xil was about to start screaming for help at the top of his lungs he heard a door open behind him.
Xil stopped his efforts for escape and strained his head to try and see who had just entered the room, but the door was squarely behind him and he couldn’t even get a glimpse of it.
“Is someone there?” Xil frantically called out. “Please, I need help!”
“Everything is fine, please remain calm.”
Xil looked to his right and saw a figure appear. Their shadow blocked the blinding light and Xil could better make out details of this new person.
They wore what appeared to be a white medical robe of some sort with blue scrubs underneath it. Their hands were clad in matching blue gloves and even though a medical mask covered the face Xil could tell that whoever they were, they were human.
“What is this!?” Xil shouted as he continued struggling against his bounds. “What is this place!?” Before Xil could ask any more questions the blinding light above him was turned off.
“If you will calm down I will explain everything.”
The human pulled out a small flashlight pen from his robe pocket and blinked it several times.
“My name is Doctor Gerald Evans and this is a hospital; you were brought in late last night with severe injuries.”
Xil blinked repeatedly as the light flashed in his eyes until Dr. Evans stopped and pulled out a nearby notepad to write something down. After hearing the explanation Xil began calming down somewhat, but one thing continued to bother him.
“Why am I strapped to this table?” Xil asked Dr. Evans.
“Your injuries were extensive and after our treatments we needed to ensure your body healed properly.” Dr. Evans said. “Even when you were sedated you were moving erratically and there was a belief that your erratic movements could reopen wounds.”
Xil looked at him for a few moments taking in what the human doctor had said before asking “Are you stupid?”
“Excuse me?”
Even though Xil couldn’t see Dr. Evans face he could imagine the look of confusion he must have underneath that mask.
“I’m an Al’tok.” Xil gestured to himself as much as his restraints would allow. “I could literally swallow a live grenade and have it go off in my stomach and be fine within a day.”
“An Al’tok you say?” Dr. Evans looked down at his notepad and flipped through several pages. “Your rapid healing now makes more sense; you’re the first Al’tok we’ve had in our hospital and when you came in you were too injured to tell us your species name.”
Xil let out a grunt of frustration. “I would be surprised if you could properly identify me when your young race lacks that mental capacity to tell the difference between a pen and a steaming pile of your own feces.”
“Ever the smart ass I see.” Xil heard Dr. Evans mutter under his breath as he continued writing notes.
“This has been fun and all but I demand you release me now.” Xil said, his patience with this whole nightmare having run out.
Dr. Evans shrugged and continued writing. “Sorry but its hospital policy not to release patients after they have received serious surgery.”
“What you consider “serious surgery” is to me as a day at the spa is to you, human.” Xil remarked rather snidely. Xil expected the human to continue stonewalling him but was surprised when the doctor sighed and set down their notepad for a moment.
“I can possibly get you released today,” they began, “if you are willing to answer some questions for me.”
Xil looked at the human before asking “Are you joking?”
“Just answer a few questions for me and I can put in a word upstairs to get you released.” Dr. Evans said. “Otherwise you are looking at staying here for three to four more days.”
Xil groaned loudly. Even though he felt his strength returning bit by bit he still could not free himself from his current situation. He resigned himself to playing along with this humans stupid questions, and then the moment he was free contact a legal advisor on his homeworld to file a lawsuit and ruin this hospital for his treatment thus far.
“Very well,” Xill relented, “ask your questions.”
Dr. Evans lifted up his notepad again and read off it.
“Are you aware of how your healing process functions?”
“What kind of stupid question is that?” Xil asked without hesitation. “Are you not a doctor? Should you not already know these things?”
“Your people have a habit of keeping things rather close to the chest you see,” Dr. Evans “We know of your people, but very little about your people.”
“So you want me to give you a damn biology lesson? Is that it!?” Xil was no longer amused by the human doctor, but rather than retreating from his outburst the human doctor looked at Xil harshly.
“If you want to get out of here now then I expect you to recite your fucking alphabet if I ask you to, or you can kiss my recommendation goodbye!”
Xil was stunned to silence with the human words, and Dr. Evans a moment later was able to compose himself to his previous professionalism.
“I apologize for the outburst.” He said as he took several deep breaths. “Please just answer the question as best you can.”
Xil grumbled to himself for a few moments before answering.
“Unlike your human cells, every cell of an Al’tok is imprinted with the entire genetic makeup of the individual.” Xil began. He could still remember in his youth his peoples teachers had gone through great lengths to explain his species special abilities so they did not put themselves into dangerous situations they could not recover from.
“This genetic imprint acts as a mold in which all of the cells form into; if a portion is damaged or missing the nearby cells read their genetic makeup, identify the missing portions, then reproduce them to complete the imprint.”
“Fascinating,” Dr. Evans said as he wrote down everything into his notepad, “and what happens if the cells are not in a large mass and scattered over a large area?”
“The cells communicate to each other via a form of telepathy, and in the event of a “scattering” as you say the cells would attempt to rejoin together before reproducing new cells.”
“And what if the cells were separated from each other and could not rejoin?” Dr. Evans asked. “Is it possible that separate cells would begin duplicating and lead to multiple versions of yourself?”
“That only happens in your childish science fiction movies.” Xil scoffed at the sheer stupidity of it. “In such a situation the cluster of cells that has the most mass of the genetic imprint would become the dominate cluster and the lesser clusters would die off.”
Xil could hear more scribbling into the notepad. He also heard hushed muttering coming from the doctor but couldn’t make out exactly what he was saying to himself.
“Does this process only happen when the body has received extensive damage, or does it also heal itself over time and repel the effects of time?”
The question was certainly an odd one, but Xil wrote it off as an overenthusiastic doctor finally getting answers.
“Time holds little power over the Al’tok.” Xil smirked at this notion, sure he could sense the jealousy of the short life spanned human. “We can essentially live forever so long as even one of our cells remains intact.”
“What about your memories?” The doctor asked. “Do you retain them as well?”
“Once the body has fully restored itself the memories will be restored.” Xil commented. “Are we done now?”
“One final question and then I’m finished for now.” The doctor replied.
Xil heard the doctor set down the notepad and walk back over to him from the side of the room. Once again the doctor was hovering over Xil looking directly at him.
Slowly, Doctor Evans lowered his mask and Xil got a good look at his face. It looked warn and tired, like the passage of time had slowly chipped away at a statue eroding what once was into a shadow of itself. The doctor leaned down so Xil could get a good look at him before asking his final question.
“Do you remember who I am?”
Xil’s mouth opened and was about to give a cocky remark when he stopped himself. Something was happening inside his body, something familiar and yet at the same time strange. He felt like a puzzle that had its final piece put into place after being left uncompleted for so long. His memories began returning to him like the rushing torrent of water that is freed from opened floodgates.
“I think you do.” Doctor Evans said.
A smile crept its way through the warn face of the doctor, yet it bore no warmth. The cold smile sent shockwaves through Xil’s body as it brought to the surface a hundred memories of it, all filled with pain.
“You….”
Xil’s heart froze as the final portion of his memories was restored and the true horror of his situation became reality.
Seeing the fear in Xil’s eyes as his answer the doctor pulled his mask over his face and stepped away from Xil.
“I must admit that you were right to believe in my people’s stupidity.” Doctor Evans said mockingly. “I thought by torturing you over and over again you would finally give me the answers I need but you were as stubborn as a mule and refused every time.”
A sharp buzzing sound cut through the silence of the room and Xil’s eyes darted towards its source to see the doctor holding a sharpened medical buzz saw in his hands.
“Three months of torture and pain trying to learn your peoples secret and three months of failures as my reward.”
Doctor Evans laughed again as he turned back to Xil and walked returned to the lab table with buzz saw in hand. “All I needed to do is play on your ego and you in turn spilled all of your secrets to me for free.”
“Why didn’t I remember you?” Xil’s smugness was all but gone and replaced with a depthless fear. “My memories should have returned much sooner!”
“After our last little session,” Doctor Evans began as he placed the buzz saw against Xil’s skin, “I removed a portion of your brain associated with memories and coated the surrounding portion with ammonia.”
Something of Xil’s confusion must have shown on his face as Doctor Evans sighed disappointingly and continued his explanation.
“The ammonia delayed the cells regeneration giving me just enough time to goad you into believe if you answered a few simple questions you could go free.”
The mad doctor slowly dragged the unpowered buzz saw up Xil’s chest as the alien began to struggle and fight harder against his restraints.
“Just let me go.” Xil began to beg, “You have what you want just let me go!”
“I’m afraid not.” Doctor Evans replied coldly. “I still need to learn how you can imprint each cell in your body.”
“You sick bastard!” Xil shouted. “Why are you doing this!?”
“Why?”
Xil felt the blades of the saw being pressed into his temple. Purple blood began running down his face and into his eye as the doctor pulled the blades back.
“Because I live in an age where mankind is finally able to venture out into the stars and I am bound to this pathetic sack of flesh!”
Xil heard the doctor kick over the stool he had been sitting on sending it scattering across the floor.
“And yet here you are, an egotistical people who live so long that anything that doesn’t last three centuries in life as nothing but ants!”
The doctor once more came at Xil and pressed the blades of the saw so deep it sliced through Xil to his skull. Xil screamed in pain but the doctor shoved something in his mouth to silence him.
“I’m going to keep cutting you up until the secret of your immortality is laid bare, and then I will bring this gift to every human so we may finally be free of death’s grasp!”
The buzz saw came to life suddenly and Xil screamed in pain as the blades worked their way through his skull.
“Don’t worry,” the Doctor said softly through the screams “we’ve got all the time in the world to solve this riddle.”
"This should do it." It looked down at itself, pleased.
The two - rather long - legs jut out under it's torso. It used it's new - ew - five fingers to feel along it's skin, feeling the bumps of a ribcage underneath. A heartbeat too.
In front of it was a mirror, and staring back at itself was a human. Well, an illusion of one.
Time and time again, the newly star bound aliens, humans, had infiltrated it's species ranks through elaborate disguises. They got better at it every time.
Not only were humans great with what they call "make up" but they had a way of mimicking their behaviors. It's species tried to replicate this. Failed to. In the end, they had something better.
A team of highly immoral scientists who were given boundless permission to try whatever the hell they wanted. And they went with genetic mutation.
It was a painful change, and slow. Agonizingly slow. But now, it was a super solider with one superpower. A shape-shifter.
And it was time to test it out.
It strolled out of the bathroom and into the eating area where various alien species were seated. Only one human - the unwitting test subject - was present.
If this could pass for normal conversation, this could pass for war.
It strolled right up to the other creature - a man who had not yet seen him - and sat down.
"I'm glad to see one other human on this station," it said.
The human non-committedly looked up. Only to jump with a start after taking it in.
"What are you?" he said.
"A human?" it said. If it's species could sweat, it would do so by now.
The man stared at it a moment. He turned to the alien on his right and pointed to his left.
"Forgive me if this question is batshit insane, but what do you see?"
"Two humans?" The alien had three eyes.
Her species' third eye was famous for detecting the most miniscule details and then committing it to subconscious memory. The rise and fall of a chest. The careful rythem of a human heart. How often - or little - a human blinks. Even human's make-up tricks couldn't bypass her species' extra form of security.
"So it is," said the man. She turned away and it found itself blinking quickly in relief. It cut that out when the human turned to it. "Sorry, I guess you're just real ugly."
"Ugh, rude." All humans are ugly.
He scooted in closer on the bench and leaned in towards it. It found itself leaning away, but couldn't help but notice the bead of sweat on the human's forehead and how the pupils were shrunken as far as they could.
"Wanna hear an old Earth tale?"
"I'm sure I know it." Was this a test?
"I doubt you know this one. My grandfather experienced it himself." He leaned away. It had stop itself from blinking too rapidly again. "This is about an Earth cryptid."
"Bigfoot?" it said, but nodded as if it already knew.
"Everyone knows Bigfoot," he laughed. "No, he was driving down a dark country road unlit by street lights. He didn't have his brights on - that's important to the story, you see - but heaven knows why."
Brights??? What are brights???
"Down the road an animal was crossing. A simple male deer with antlers. He couldn't see its body yet, but he was familiar with the eyes. They glowed as his car sped closer."
"He slowed as the deer became more apparent, and eventually came to a stop when the creature wouldn't move. By now, he could see the antlers, the four legs, the neck. Not in detail, mind you, but he could see it "
Other aliens in the room- not hearing this conversation - were trickling out of the room. There was no dramatic reason for this, they simply finished their lunch. The human, not paying any attention to his own lunch, continued the story.
"It's not uncommon for deer to freeze, especially when lights flood their eyes. So my grandfather gave it a moment to realize it should run. When seconds ticked by, he honked at it."
"There was something... off... about the deer. It looked every way like a deer, but the longer he stared, the longer that just didn't seem right."
"Was it a deer?" it said.
"It was not."
"What was it?"
"Not a deer."
The alien found itself frown at this in a perfectly human way.
"Time went on, and my grandfather decided to turn on the brights to try and see the creature better. And it was still... a deer... but not..."
It found its frown deepening.
"What's worse was it began to move. Similar to a deer, but all wrong. Like maybe its legs bent the wrong way. Or perhaps the legs were too long. It was every way like a deer, but it just was not."
"He drove home as soon as that not deer was out of his path. And yes, he found himself alive the next morning. But that encounter disturbed him, so he recounted it to everyone. And many people - especially in that town - could tell him their own stories."
"...okay?"
"Well, that story is funny. Probably a figment of his imagination, but it does reflect a very real human instinct."
This was another test. "Would this be something I know of?"
"It's called uncanny valley. It occurs to us when something looks human... but is not."
"Why?"
"Well, rumor has it that it was a instinct formed from a predator. Something that looked human but was not. A not human."
"A not human? Is this true?"
"No," he said. He laughed. "No, we most likely developed it for something a lot more practical. Corpses, you see. They carry a lot of bacteria, so we have a fear of them."
"...interesting."
"I have that very same feeling of you," he said. The room was empty besides the two. He reached for his bottle above his lunch tray.
"But I'm not a corpse?"
"You're about to be."
The human tossed down the bottle, effectively cracking off the bottom half and forming his weapon.
It shape-shifted as it scurried away to retreat from the very much human.
Being an anthropology major you get to see a lot of universal commonalities between cultures but the funniest thing about humans is their absolute persistence to eat things even when they’re borderline inedible. Spicy plants evolved their taste as a deterrent so people wouldn’t eat them but we literally genetically modify things now to make them as spicy as possible. Caffeine is also a poison but we made an entire culture out of making drinks from it. Almost every single part of tomatoes is poisonous except for the actual pulp of the fruit itself. Coconuts take an incredible amount of effort to open but we somehow figured out a way to break them open and make food and drinks from them. Durian fruits can kill you if they fall on you but humans saw them and were like ‘we’re gonna find a way to break those fuckers open and eat them.’ Honey is literally protected by bees which sting you if you make them angry but we decided we were gonna get that stuff one way or another. My favourite example of this though is lobsters and crabs. If you kill them in literally any other way than boiling them alive their bodies release a poison that makes them inedible but humans were so determined to eat these fuckers that they figured out a way to do it. Anyways we’re such a funny little species and I love us for it.
finding out that almost all other animals don’t have periods like we do and instead simply reabsorb the egg back into their uterine lining to reuse the nutrients is like finding out the rest of the class has been taking WILDLY easier tests than you for the whole semester
like, hey, cat why don’t you have to use your Cat Dollars to invest in tampons? And cat is just like: fuck that noise, my body is OPTIMAL for not being made of inconvenient nonsense, sucks to be you
wack.
humans: hey, bleeding every month is actually really cumbersome and I lose both valuable nutrients AND fluids I need for survival? What the fuck is up?
evolution: yes, alright, but have you considered this about it? *cartoon blow horn noise*
Human bodies suck for many reasons including but not limited to:
Periods
Bad backs
Permanent breasts that do not leave once baby is weaned
Dangerously large, unprotected, and non retractable male reproductive systems
Huge brain takes up way too much energy gotta eat more sleep less
Baby brain bigger than hips guess birth is life threatening now
Takes like 25 years for big brain to even finish maturing
•Teeth are critical to living, yet not designed to last more than a few years without constant intervention and upkeep, and don’t grow back if this is not accomplished. Also, losing your teeth means the bones in your ear will shift, and your hearing will worsen.
•Breathing, eating, communication all from the same pathway, major choking hazard. Give me a dolphin style breathing tube.
•Most pleasurable nerve endings on the body locating on the filthiest parts of you, guarenteed spread of bacteria.
•knees and shoulders have almost zero capability to heal correctly, once they break, they’re basically broken forever without massive outside influence.
truer words
I don’t know, I kind of think fucked up human physiology is a testament to our capacity to care for each other. Like, these traits could have easily caused us to go extinct if we weren’t such social animals who depend on each other in a community