Bringing a King to his Knees
What brings a king to his knees? Fear alone cannot, for he can carry fear for years without falling. Cloaked in reds, oranges and yellows he stands tall, straight-backed and proud, glorying in his own bravery as he takes charge. The crown of the ruler sits heavy on his head, and Mars, the god of War, forever knowing love as inseparable from conflict, lives in his heart.Â
He does not acknowledge trauma. His selflessness and leadership lie in his foundation, but weakening it is the role he was forced to play as a child. In the absence of a father, he became one. He became an Emperor, a keeper of order, sooner than his soul was ready, and in the void of guidance, demons came into being: lovelessness, worthlessness, and failure.
There was never anger. It was always fear.
I donât know why I get so angry. I just know â I know that itâs â i-itâs just always been there. And when things go bad, it just â it comes out. And I canât â I canât stop it. No matter how â [Sniffles] how bad I want to, I just canât stop it.
CAITLIN: That thing. Were you scared?Â
But like I said, it isnât the fear that brings him to his knees. Letâs take a look back at that first quote grab, from 15x09. In a very helpful move from production, they used the then sequence to remind us of it.
Dean, falling to his knees. His own stubbornness, his own resistance to change caused him to fail at his most sacred mission â to protect and to save others. So often in absence we accept the truth. That someone else was right.
âI just let you go. âCause it was easier than admitting I was wrong.â (15x09)
âSheâs right. Caitlinâs right. Caitlin Iâm sorry. I didnât want to believe you.â (15x16)
Strange, how that bites him in the ass so often. Perhaps ignoring your trauma doesnât make you healthy? Maybe, just maybe, our pain and our guilt isnât for our mistakes, but for how much time we allowed to pass before we fixed them? The ignorance of his own youth places the guilt on Dean, telling him heâs failed. And he falls right to his knees.
BABA YAGA: Hey, Dean. Iâve been waiting for you. You know what you have to do.Â
DEAN: Youâ youâreâÂ
Dean, of whom too much was always expected, damaged himself in the struggle to fulfill the destiny laid out for him. He was motherless, and the healing of love and care, the feminine energy provided to us by the Empress, not only evaded him â he evaded it. To delve deeper into the self, beyond purpose, was to face the demons that had come to him in youth. To face the lies heâd told himself.
He sooner believes that he killed the monster than accept that he may not have, because the guilt of failure would mean more lost lives to his name.Â
The monster preyed only on children, but we all have an inner child. A neglected, fearful inner child never allowed to grow beyond their circumstance, trapped in the machinations of time like a rat in a cage. Unable to move on. And Deanâs neglected self tells him what he must do if he fails in protecting others: die. Just like in 13x05, âAdvanced Thatanologyâ, when he chooses Death in a vain attempt to help the trapped, and believes he deserves his death for having failed to protect others.
Whatâs the remedy? What keeps a heart beating, if that heart believes it only deserves to beat if its life means preserving the lives of others? Defeating the demons of the neglected self. Lovelessness, worthlessness, and fear.
The guilt of inaction, of refusing to speak a truth or acknowledge a mistake, leads almost inevitably to the Emperor failing at his heartâs mission: to love, guide and protect. To keep his kingdom whole and at peace. To overcome our demons, we must look critically at the past. We must feed the loveless, neglected inner child, and forgive ourselves for not having done so sooner. We must accept that change is inevitable and always a good thing.
Letâs think back to Deathâs words to Dean in 13x05.
BILLIE: Youâve changed. When you bargained with me just now, you couldâve asked to go back, to live.
DEAN: Well, I figured with you in charge, thereâs no getting back for me.
BILLIE: That doesnât sound like the Dean Winchester I know and love. The man who has been dead so many times but it never seems to stick. Maybe youâre not that guy anymore, they guy who saves the world, the guy who always thinks heâll win no matter what. You have changed. And you tell people itâs not a big deal. You tell people youâll work through it but you know you wonât, you canât and that scares the hell out of you. Or⌠am I wrong?
And now, after the passage of two years, while some things still need change (Samâs exasperation at the end of 15x16), change has taken place. Dean has grown.Â
CAITLIN: That thing. Were you scared?Â
CAITLIN: You have changed. The old you never would have admitted that.Â
DEAN: Well, Iâm not sure thatâs a good thing.Â
CAITLIN: I think so. What do they say about getting older? You tell the truth more because you know that lies â they donât make anything better.
The Emperor was forced to reckon with the wounds of the past, and acknowledge the self buried by it. The lies we tell ourselves are the most damaging, because it traps the truth on our tongues before we can share it with others. To keep his kingdom in order, he must change.
The anger was always there, and it was always fear, and now is always better than then.
Alone and afraid? There is a safe place that is always open.
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