Elliot Rodger and the MRA Matrix
In case you didnât hear about it, last Friday this fucking nutjob went on a killing spree in Isla Vista, California. Said suspected psycho, Elliot Rodger, has been widely reported as a loner, chronically shy, polite to a fault, and obsessed with video games. In fact, thereâs a community out there that sympathizes with his plight, probably because the description of him hits close to home. Those traits on their own donât make him a psycho. What makes him a psycho is that he stabbed and shot people to death.
I hope weâre all clear on that.
Rodger was active online, both on forums and YouTube, where he posted an announcement of his intent that reminded me of a B-movie horror villainâs first take. He also sent in a massive autobiography/manifesto that Iâm sure Knopf and all the heavyweight publishers will be lining up to option, vultures that they are. Throughout all of this, he pinpoints one specific cause of his anguish: women.
He says that women have never found him attractive, always rejected him for obnoxious brutes and left his heart broken in his hands. Having that happen over and over cannot be a fun experience. Most of us have felt rejection and heartbreak in our lives. However, most of us havenât then plotted and executed a murder spree. Thereâs a big leap between being frustrated at your romantic life and wanting to take that out with indiscriminate violence.
A large part of that leap is personal to Rodger. Thereâs no theory that can âsolveâ the problem of serial murders, or murder in general. There are plenty of people who have had similar personal experiences to Rodgerâs and who didnât go on a rampage. No criteria can fully account for why any person becomes so coldly violent.
The fact that a spree killer is getting staunch support from some people is ludicrous. Iâm not specifically calling his defenders ludicrous (though they are), Iâm talking about the whole phenomenon. Iâm sure the vast majority of these people defending Rodger would hasten to add that they wouldnât seriously contemplate doing something like he did. What they are defending is not his act but his mindset, or his right to feel the way he did.
In a broad sense, theyâre right, everybodyâs got a right to think and feel the way they wish. However, itâs not just Rodger that has this anger, clearly. There are a lot of men in the world who are completely wound up to the point that they have nothing but animosity toward women, whether expressed in overt hatred or in condescension and repression.
Everybody has a responsibility for their own actions. I firmly believe this. At the same time, you have to play the game thatâs there, as it were. Your actions are determined to a vast degree by the expectations and ârulesâ of the world around you. For instance, on OKCupid there is a question vaguely like âDo you think women should have to shave their legs?â Pretty much every woman who answered that question (that I saw) answered âNo.â They also added âBut I do shave my legs regularly.â
It gets tricky like that.
So while I believe that it was Rodgerâs responsibility to keep a check on his own emotions, I also think there are strong cues from society that he and people who have his social frustrations are struggling with. In fact, I think society in general struggles from this tension. For Rodger and his ilk who identify with the vaguely-misogynistic menâs rights activism movement, as well as those revolving around the pick-up artist community, thereâs a very specific tension at work:
How to be a straight (white) man in a changing world?
FX aired one season of a great show called Terriers several years back. Starred Donal Logue and Michael Raymond-James, was a lighthearted detective drama. One scene sticks with me in particular. Theyâre going into a college dorm, itâs SoCal, very nice. Mike RJ is your typical short-ish pretty boy (except for his little pirate âstache). He takes the lead here. He saunters in and all the girls are now staring, doing the thumb and pinky thing against their ear (âIâd love to be your receptionistâ?), checking him out. And whenever I see that scene I think âThat will never be me.â
But Iâm a 6â3âł black guy with a full beard, so in important ways, it could never be me. Itâs not just my physique, though. Itâs type. Iâm not fit and even if I got fit, I donât think Iâd carry myself like that. And blackness and whiteness goes a lot deeper than skin color, especially in this country. There are completely different expectations and prejudices. Plus, as a general thing, women donât gawk at every cute guy that walks their way. So no, while I might wish that women loved me that much, I donât think itâs a thing I deserve.
Elliot Rodger, though? He is basically that. Thatâs sort of his birthright in America. Itâs not just that. Look at pretty much every movie made in this country, especially your plot-heavy action movies and thrillers, which have a strong subplot of âAttractive straight white man gets beautiful woman and lives happily ever after.â If the lead is black (or somehow Latino (Asian? HAH! (Native Ameâ(ARAB!?!?!?(etc. etc.))))), just substitute in that race for âwhiteâ and the effect is the same. Not only that, Rodger was apparently pretty damn well off financially. If his life was a Hollywood movie, by 22 the kid was basically owed a woman out of a catalog.
And thatâs another big part of this problem. Our media and culture in general encourages us (men and women) to view women as objects. For anyone to feel sexually viable, theyâve got to receive attention. In a culture where men donât pay attention to women unless theyâre all done up, I canât help but think women donât feel as good themselves if they donât get done up. Anecdotal, yes, but I think on average women get done up for less important occasions than men do and take longer to do it. Not throwing shade here, just saying that the reactions are different because expectations are different.
People likely to read this blog probably know that these issues exist and know that they need to be tackled (or know about them and dismiss them). Weâve got to find a way to reduce objectification of women in the media. A question I rarely see asked, though, is why?
That is, why does objectification happen in the first place?
Where does a kid like Elliot Rodger get off in thinking that heâs owed a woman? Patriarchy is a broad reason, but when you get down to it, there are a lot of assumptions we all make that reflect that patriarchy in ways that we all may actually agree with.
First and foremost: the dream life. This isnât just something that Americans have thought up, or just straight people, or just white people. The life with a house, a partner, and children (and/or pets) is historically and universally thought of as âthe good life.â Somehow, as long as you have all that, tedious activities like mowing the lawn or unblocking toilets have a special, warming significance. More than anything else, this is an image that we repeat over and over as the ideal of happiness thatâs within everyoneâs reach. You might have screwed up your Olympic career, sank your fatherâs fishing boat, and burned down your lemonade stand, but somewhere thereâs a woman or man who will love you and take you in.
And for a straight man to do that, he needs a woman. So right away, a woman becomes not a partner but a requirement. Happiness, as an âaccomplishmentâ (a poison philosophy to start with), becomes contingent on achieving a woman.
But if you want the ârightâ woman (againâŠ), you have to show that you can get women so youâre able to choose. Enter the playa phenomenon: if you ainât banginâ lotsa bitches, you ainât shit. If you donât have that âgood lifeâ where you have âfamily obligationsâ tying you down, youâre supposed to get as much pussy as possible and donât stop until âthe oneâ finally ties you down with her relentless nagging and annoyingly telling you she loves you.
âHow could any guy just get away with banginâ lotsa bitches, though?â I hear you asking. âSurely women have some agency, some choice in the matter?â
Well, they do. The thing is, in these guysâ minds, women are all secretly sluts. All of them. I donât just mean slut in the sense of âpromiscuous woman,â which I think we can all get behind (ba-dum-tssh, okay, Iâll stop undercutting my point now). I mean completely depraved, animalistic, ravenous for sex. If you can only find that one button (I hear itâs like just between a womanâs shoulderblades but shhhhh donât tell anyone), sheâll turn into a drooling, wild-eyed sex maniac.
Thatâs not true. Clearly. Itâs not just pornography that reinforces it, though I think itâs sort of the concentrated form. Everything in our culture is obsessed with sex and the idea that having great sex is something meaningful about your life. Weâve all seen those sitcom jokes where the lady is pissed/disappointed and she says to her female friend something classic like âWasnât much motion in my ocean âcause his boat was like a ferry ride.â OH SNAP!
And if sex matters that much to women, then clearly theyâve all got to have a mode where theyâre just begging for sex the way that the guy is in his mind. What the womanâs actual feeling is doesnât matter, she simply has to have the same kind of heat he does in the way that heâd express it because he needs the sex to be validated. Look at the pick-up artist communityâs obsession with jargon and stats like women are cars up for auction. What matters to them is how the woman can be rated and displayed to his friends and thatâs not got anything to do with her emotions.
Itâs a particularly twisted culture we live in when you peel it apart, certainly. There is a last bit of this that I think deserves addressing, though. Itâs not as direct as the other reasons for this MRA bullshit but what makes it important to me is how pervasive it is.
Itâs the conception that women are from Venus and men are from Mars.
Now, I didnât read that book and I donât really know what the phrase means other than âwomen and men are different!â Which is true, not debating that. But theyâre not worlds apart, the way that many men and women seem to believe they are. A large driver of the menâs rights movement is societyâs feeling that they are, and more than that, women are incredibly complex while men are reassuringly simple.
We go to great pains to cite how long women take to get ready or their constant mood swings over something minor like a plateâs cleanliness as reasons women are âso hard to understand.â On the other hand, the fact that all guys are into the big game and just want sandwiches and bacon and blowjobs means that their needs and wants are simple and direct.
Even though weâve probably all known a meathead whoâs a bit too protective of his car and demands that no one even breathe on it. And your mom coming home and immediately devouring a slice (hah) of cheesecake after a long day at work is as primal as âMe want bacwichjob!â
Keeping to this thinking means that men couldnât be blamed for not trying to communicate at all. If the thinking is that all communication is going to fail because thereâs a divide that canât be crossed, thereâs all the more reason for guys to reduce women to as few variables as possible (to use a crude phrase) in order to get optimal results. Women, to them, are so convoluted that theyâre gibberish, and even if one tried to make herself understood, a man could never really cope.
For guys in the MRA movement (and, to a lesser extent, the PUAs/anti-PUAs), the real threat to them is that women are gaining agency. A guy like Elliot Rodger could, in earlier days, be pretty sure that heâd eventually find a woman whoâd live with him because there was less choice for women in the matter. Not only were women usually under the care of their fathers before marriage, there wasnât much of a life for an unmarried woman. Now, the fact that a woman is not necessarily seeking a man to complete her life means that men â who, even if they have other goals, are socially required to âgetâ women by virtue of being a man â canât be as secure in that rite of passage.
These social cues are written all over Rodgerâs messages when I read them. His constant talk about what he deserves, even going as far as to cite his race as a reason he deserved to have women, show me a level of entitlement that a lot of these MRA-types share. They are owed women, in their minds. When a woman doesnât drop into their lap, they buy the book of cheats (PUA). And when that doesnât work, they break the game. Itâs not enough that they are playing, they are supposed to win. If they donât, it means the game is broken or fixed or both.
Thatâs certainly how Elliot Rodger saw things. People were killed because of it.
I didnât write this as a defense of Rodger by any means, nor as a âguideâ on how to prevent and avoid spree killings in the future. When a guy goes off his rocker like the kid Rodger did, though, itâs important to figure out what was behind it because itâs likely that thereâs a broader cancer that may go untreated. A big part of his decision to kill was his own personal leap, but thereâs also the misogyny, the anger that the game of sex and relationships society told him was going on seemed to be beyond him beyond him, and thatâs shared by many more people. I donât think that there are many copycats in the community, though the anger is certainly there. Iâm mostly hoping to dig into this anger and figure out what in society is reinforcing those assumptions, not just by examples but by the criteria of fulfillment it gives and the way people need to navigate them.
http://www.bloctheory.com/2014/05/elliot-rodger-and-the-mra-matrix/