Barebones

We're all trying to distract ourselves. Try it out here and see if you like it. (PossumTeeth on AO3)

[boneshine]

I'm so glad the majority of the Gravity Falls fanbase got their frontal lobe development and no longer ship the eons-old demon with the prepubescent child.

[boneshine]

Fine, writers. You're not gonna just have these two figure things out? You have one guaranteed (greenlit) season left and all you've been doing to us is dangling that scrawny little worm of hope in our faces and I ain't biting.

Stop playing nice. Have Guillermo and Nandor figure out things the way they do best:

Through violence.

Let them fight it out.

And then upon Nandor catching Guillermo's wrist, that stake locked in hand, ready for the killing blow, have them look at each other, with Guillermo breathing heavily with an enraged expression and Nandor's stone-still and dark eyes pinning him with some unfathomable feeling.

And then Nandor suddenly leans in for what Guillermo assumes is a fatal bite but he actually kisses him and startles Guillermo so much that he drops the stake- before his hand reaches out and grabs Nandor's coat to pull him in close and Nandor shuffles them backwards until Guillermo's back slams into the wall and they furiously make out.

I don't think I'm asking for too much here. This is what we all want.

[boneshine]

I don't like the fact that we can interpret the Djinn making an appearance only to reveal that Nandor has no more wishes (despite the Djinn gifting him three extra wishes at his wedding) as lazy retconning BUT it can also be seen as a sinister note that was easily overlooked because we just assumed that they forgot and had to shoehorn in an explanation as to why Nandor couldn't simply use a wish to fix things but in actuality the reality could very well be that Nandor made an insidious wish that fucked up this entire season somehow and we wouldn't know it until it was too late.

[boneshine]

It really is funny (in a heart-shattering kind of way) that, after all the secret-keeping and all the ways that the vampires and Guillermo had to dodge and weave and keep the truth away from Nandor, that he was actually the one that solved everything instantly.

He immediately knew the reason for the slowed transformation was his Van Helsing genes, he knew that Guillermo had to drink human blood to complete his transition. He figured out everything that the others had been stymied by for an entire season with a wisdom and unflappable assurance that we don't often see from this fucking guy.

Proving that he really was the perfect one to turn him after all because, like he said, he really did know Guillermo best.

[boneshine]

I don't understand why, if Guillermo had issues with killing a human... why didn't they just show him alternative methods?

He could tolerate drinking the blood out of the glass when it wasn't straight from a human. So why not give him blood bags? Or teach him moderation to take away just enough blood to where it doesn't kill them? The vampires have left half-drunk humans before.

[boneshine]

Nandor destroyed the footlocker and the pillow. The only two gifts he's ever given Guillermo.

[boneshine]

Part of me wants to believe that the reason Guillermo wanted to become human again might have been a subconscious pull because Nandor wasn't the one to turn him, so he wasn't ready.

So now they have a second chance.

[boneshine]

Not gonna lie, the moment that Guillermo answered his mother's number and Nandor's voice responded, I felt a chill.

[boneshine]

Think of the season finale this way, guys: This means that Guillermo will have more opportunities to kick Nandor's ass as a vampire slayer again.

[boneshine]

This looks like the start of the best porno feat. two awkward gays who hired a dommy mommy to come in and show them a good time or am I projecting?

[boneshine]

So "A Weekend at Morrigan Manor" has the summary of "The housemates are invited for a weekend away at the home of a mysterious, illustrious vampire."

Who wants to bet that it's Jenna and she's become majorly successful and a formidable vampire from her invisibility powers in a real rags-to-riches/awkward vampire-to-powerful-adversary story and she wants to say hello to Nadja?

Jenna Morrigan, anyone?

[boneshine]

Anybody else notice in "The Roast" that Nadja was, like, worryingly okay with the idea of dying for a minute?

[boneshine]

This doesn't make it okay, but do you think the reason that Nandor took so long with the concept of turning Guillermo is because of the fact that he believes humans live 300 years or so and he thinks Guillermo's just being impatient?

[boneshine]

I don't care if this is a crackpot theory, I had a revelation and I fuck with it so hard.

What if they reveal that Derek is a descendant of Dracula?

Can you imagine?

A descendant of one of the most powerful and iconic vampires siring a descendant of one of the most powerful vampire slayers?

[boneshine]

Can we just um can we we just um look at the Guide for a minute okay?

[boneshine]

So now we know that Guillermo subconsciously categorizes everybody in his life as some genre of bitch (crazy bitch, horny little bitch, boring little bitch, queen bitch) and I think that is an immaculate vibe.

[boneshine]

Brush my hair

Read my lines

It’s time to go

Wear my suit

Put the make up on

Put on a show

Up, up, up, to the Heaviside layer

Up, up, up, I'm going straight up

Take my lunch Lose my lunch It's a shaky start

I'm old Deut

Now he's old Deut

I've lost the part

Down, down, down, to the center of the Earth

Down, down, down, I'm going straight down