BorderlineScorpio

25 || diagnosed BPD & cPTSD ||surviving addiction🤎|| ♏️

[borderlinescorpio]

First Post - Main Goals 🤎

A couple of things about me; I’m 25, from Scotland and obviously have BPD. To say that I was shocked would’ve been an understatement, but the lack of self awareness I had at that time in my life, only 2.5 years ago.. wow a lot has changed since then. I understand myself a lot better now, the tricky part is trying to overcome it in times of weakness.. which seems to happen often.

I have a lotttt of stories under my belt that I feel I 1. Need to get off my chest before I explode and 2. Other people could seriously learn from, I’m also willing to give any advice I trust my knowledge in, on the basis that I am a psychology student. 🤎

This blog is mainly for the venting and education of myself due to the fact I have only just been diagnosed since Oct 2020. I'm still navigating my way through and don't know anyone else who has BPD.. I thought who better to share a community with, than those who understand? I will always trigger warn before posts as I can be an extreme over-sharer when venting. It would be lovely to meet friends along the way and most importantly, I'd like to help anyone I can who's struggling to come to terms or cope with their own diagnoses. I am currently studying psychology and have a lot of personal experience in mental illness due to having undiagnosed BPD & cPTSD that began presenting itself at around 12 years of age.. So any support I am able to provide, I absolutely will. I also have an uncle who suffers with schizophrenia, meaning I’m very understanding about ALL mental illnesses, this is a safe space for everyone 🤎 Throughout the last 12 or so years of navigating mostly undiagnosed (until 2020) severe mental illnesses, I have also acquired a lot of problems with addiction along the way and would love to share that too.. there will also be appropriate trigger warnings and there will be absolutely 0 glorification of substances of any kind🤎

🤎 Venting - I will most definitely be ranting and venting on here, as I’m going to try and use it as an outlet, so feel free to vent with me in the comments section if you can ever relate! I don’t get offended by any of that ‘trauma dumping’ stuff, if you have something on your mind let it out.

🤎 Advice/discussion posts - I may post asking for fellow pwBPD’s opinions and advice, ofc you don’t have to engage but the more the merrier🥰

🤎 Some posts will have mature /triggering content, I will ALWAYS give trigger warnings so that people know what they’re about to indulge in. Due to the natures of the events in my life that have led me to this point, some controversial subjects unfortunately cannot be ignored

I just want this to be a little safe haven, where I can come to blow off some steam in a healthy way, and positively make some impactful friendships 🤗

[idkpleasekillme]

sorry i pushed you away i felt abandoned and suicidal

[not-skinnyy-lol]

me every 2-4 days

[the-drug-addicts-diary]

For my whole life, I was willing to overshare anything about me with anyone, hoping maybe someone will make sense of it, and tell me who i am.

[lifebyrose]

I prefer to distance myself whenever I’m in a bad mood, because I’ll become the most heartless person you’ll ever meet.

[urfavgrlnextdoor]

[bluedragonflydream]

Mental illness took so much away from me, sometimes I wish it would have taken my life as well

[neurodivergenttales]

BPD is watching yourself burn your own life to the ground over and over again

[thelittledaily-deactivated20260]

reblog this to give the person you reblogged this from a gold star because they’ve been stellar today and they deserve it ⭐️

[swanyneptune-deactivated2023032]

[borderlinescorpio]

TW: Substance use

I desperately need to find better coping mechanisms to combat BPD episodes. I feel like I’ve tried all the generic shit that they suggest to you at crisis meetings or CPN appointments, meditation, “a hot bath and a cup of tea”..

I’ve even bought intense workbooks (The Borderline Personality Disorder Workbook, The Complex Borderline Personality Disorder workbook and The Dialectal Behavioural Therapy Workbook), I’ve paid hundreds of pounds towards private mental health care, I take my medication every day without fail yet I still cannot overcome this demon that lives inside of me.

I’m not recommending it as its a terribly steep ledge to fall from, but I just can’t seem to avoid going back to old habits. W33d for anxiety and chronic pain, and pills to achieve some inner peace and silence. It’s the only thing that’s ever truly worked for me, but I know one day the pills will kill me and I seem to be okay with that.

I would love to write about my journey with addiction some time, as I haven’t really had the opportunity to delve into the feelings and experiences that come with that path of life. I feel like a lot of people could relate but I think it could help in other ways too.. like I know if I had never tried drugs and happened to come across my journey with them, I know I definitely would’ve been put off by it. Some people may see it who are currently struggling but haven’t yet accepted that they’re in active addiction, and I could point them in the right direction to seek the help they deserve 🤎

[bowserwife]

Sorry I cried wordlessly and motionless in your arms for like 30 minutes, that was probably scary. Can I still suck your dick?

[007dere]

[borderlinescorpio]

The Disordered Personality of a Borderline

You cut me off from the people I love

With no care or reason, I feel like a mug

You let them believe that I don’t care as I stay stiff in bed 

Unable to move from the lashing you fed. 

In the same pyjamas I had on last week

And unbrushed hair that’s thinning as we speak

Avoiding opportunities because ‘its okay youre just not ready’

Doing nothing but overeating contributing to the ever growing size of my belly

Sometimes I see the glimmer of hope right before me

then you close the doors then pretend to console me

It’s a cruel thing you know, to let someone see

See right in front of them what they could be

If it wasn’t for you, standing in my way 

then maybe I’d feel joy for more than just one day

I know this sh*t sounds like a toxic boyfriend 

but really I’m conferring with what will soon be my end

Emotional instability you fucking evil thing

I no longer know where you end and I begin

[oldwitchbitch]

i find peace in thinking about k1lling myself

[unhinged-kitten-deactivated2023]

I’ve never gotten a dudes name tattooed on me and I’m at that age where I sorta want to? make mistakes? Drunkenly get married? f*** our lives up… but together… where we seem insane to everyone else but to us, it’s love. 😂

Like I know that sounds… untraditional... and stability is cool and all, lovely, whatever and I wish that for everyone who wants it. I hope everyone gets the life they want. But.. I have too much ‘unhinged’ energy to be stable. Faithful yes. Once I’m with a dude, he’s my whole life. I don’t want to be toxic anymore. I just want to be free. Together.

okay this probably doesn’t make sense and I’ll probably get replies with “wise words” which I respect. but like… let me live lol.

[borderlinescorpio]

Everyone’s gotta have this at least once in their life 🙏 still with mine 3 years later only thing missing is the tattoo of his name 🤎

[borderlinescorpio]

Criteria-fitting thoughts - Unstable Emotions (The Reality of Being a Borderline)

TW - Mental Illness , BPD, drug addiction

The reality is, that every single part of the criteria that relates to you as an individual, still won't manifest itself in the same way it does for others. This means that no one should doubt themselves when they're diagnosed, just because of issues such as they've seen other people saying they experience the opposite. The truth is, we are all valid! Please understand whether you fit 5, 6, 7, 8 or all 9, you are valid no matter how many or how they affect you as an individual.

The thing about me is, I'll always provide examples when talking about the affects of Borderline Personality Disorder. I do this for many reasons, but mostly to help people who may not be educated on BPD have an insight into the mind of a Borderline. This can help other borderlines by their FP being able to read, or their siblings, parents or friends. I can be quite an over-sharer, although I don't think I'll need a trigger warning for what I'm going to be writing about today. But I'll include one regardless just incase.

One of the weirdest things I've noticed about mood swings, is having to avoid certain people, places, conversations, even smells, in order to not have panic attacks/flashbacks?? (which automatically lead into an episode of either extremity). My favourite perfume as a teenager, I feel like all the girls had it, Fantasy by Britney, it was amazing but now it just takes me back to the trauma I was experiencing at that time. The strong smell of petrol in a car garage, chicken flavoured supernoodles.. My dad was an addict growing up and he worked as a mechanic, which explains the petrol thing. regardless of my dads life choices, I just wanted so desperately for him to love me the way other girls' dads loved them, it feels pathetic to say it now. One time, he OD'd sitting next to me on the couch, watching TV and his head was at a backwards angle.. I heard liquid coming up his throat but he didn't move, so I yanked him forward and saved that mans life. I was 8 years old, eating chicken flavoured supernoodles.

Even things people might deem as stupid can ruin my whole day, such as hard style music or certain shows or movies with disturbing plots or may have been big in the world of cinema, back in a time where my life was a living hell and i only had myself to rely on fully. Trying to mask it in front of other people is f*cking hard too. I've tried the whole 'okay I will go to the concert, maybe the environment will distract me from the negative effects the music has on my body'.. don't do it, you'll only wish you never went to begin with.

The mood swings side of BPD really does make me terrified to be a parent, like what if I do or say one thing ever that causes them trauma.. I know and I am confident in the work I have done over these past few years to get help and work on changing behaviours, but how do I know I wouldn't end up more mentally ill while being pregnant or after giving birth? Would I have to come off of my medication, which alongside therapy has been the only thing to keep me on an even keel? I'm 25 and I feel like I should be A LOT further on in life than I am..

Another curse of unstable emotions for me personally has got to be the intense lonliness I feel 24/7, due to isolating myself in the hopes that if I'm not around other people, then maybe I won't ruin my relationship with them by splitting or heading into an episode and being too much to handle. If I'm in a manic state I'm too loud and overbearing, and I do really stupid things with a lot of disorganised thinking, it can get quite dangerous. However, if I'm in a depressive episode, my negativity is too much to handle, I'm too intolerant, too aggressive. So I just simply stay away, because what else can I do to protect them from.. me. Or is it me? I'm at a point where I've let the monster take over so much, I have no idea where it stops and I begin.. I have some really good moments where I feel like myself, not possessed by the demon of darkness, but that quickly fades into bouts of nothingness.

[mariposas8494]

Doing our best looks different 🫶🏻