Men are Man Wh**es aka BOYS

We have all had our hearts broken at one point or another by a guy we thought was such a man and it ended up being he was really well exactly what the title says, how do you handle that? This is my college life and I am going to blog on every aspect of boys at college. consider me your eyes and ears of men vs. boys.

[boysrnotmen]

Advice for people who feel stuck?

Anyone have any ideas on how to get unstuck when you feel like your life is a room without a door and your just feel the weight of the world pushing in on you and there is no escape?

[boysrnotmen]

Tears Always Win

As Alicia Keys sings to my heart, I can't help but reevaluate what I am doing with my life and where I am. When you feel alone, when you fell the communication line has been chopped down like another tree, the best thing you can do is start communicating to your heart and start listening to what your brain is telling you to do. The brain is a miraculous thing it heals the body and is the command center for everything. So when your heart broken or hurt you have to listen to what your brain is telling you to do and do it. 

So for tonight I am going to let music work on my heart while my brain puts an action plan together.

[boysrnotmen]

Shake it off

I am sitting here in my man's grandmother's house to stay the night, him on the couch and me in a nice little spare room. You would think that I am super relaxed but instead i sit here listening to "Florence and the Machine" and their song "Shake it Off" Thinking about how much I miss my family, and how the words of my Aunt has settled into me and my heart and how easy it was for her to let me leave, not cause she wanted me to but because she had grown accostumed to me leaving her for New Year's eve. I started to think about when I was a child and I would go to her house to escape my family drinking and partying. She would have Welch's grape juice and tons of little appetizers that kids love like bologna and cheese, and mini pigs in a blanket (hotdogs wrapped in crescent rolls) and of course lots of cookies and candy. We would sit up watching cartoons, or playing Bingo and she would tell us happy new year when the ball dropped and we would blow those party whistles wearing our "New Year" tierra and then we would dance around in our pjs trying to fight sleep but eventually caved. Leaving her to clean the mess. 

Sitting here I miss her, sitting here I feel like I should be leaving to go home and be with her and carry her traditons on with my sweet nephew. But instead like a coward I sit here teary eyed writing this and tomorrow I will leave for NY to be with my man's family where I will cook a bunch of food to impress his family, and then play a bunch of games not in light hearted kid like fun but competitive yelling matches. 

[pastelbitchquotes]

[boysrnotmen]

Beauty for Ashes

So if you pay attention to my tumblr, you know that I just did a few quotes from Joyce Meyer and her book "Beauty for Ashes" I have been reading it for the past 2 weeks, and while usually it only takes me a week or less to read a book of this size I am only half way through this one because every chapter has something deep and profound to learn from it. If you haven't figured out by now I am a christian and I am one who constantly is trying to pursue bettering myself in Christ to help others. I don't share my relgion as much as I should on this page but I am working on that. 

This book has helped me through a lot of the hurt and the rejection of the break up that I have typed so often about. It not only helped me in understanding that what I was going through was not going to last forever but that it would hurt, it also is helping me to see where I have fouled up on my end of things in the relationship. One major thing is that I always wanted to be right, and always wanted the attention on me, always had to be complimented or given an applause for the things that I did, and if I didn't receive it all the time like I wanted then I would take it out on the person aka my now ex. I would put so much of my self worth basis on them noticing me constantly and listening to me and complimenting me that even when they were genuinely noticing me I was busy getting mad because it wasn't the "way" I wanted him to notice me. I wanted it a specific way. By living like this and putting my self worth on someone else to determine for me, I was causing myself to head down an unhealthy path that would ultimately leave me alone for a very long time. 

Just some fruit for thought and if your wondering if I would recommend this book, YES IN A HEART BEAT!!! I have made it my personal mission to read this book by the end of the month (but also soak everything it has to say in) and after that I have a "Bible Study Guide for Women that struggle with Worry." I am very excited to see what that one has to teach me :) 

[boysrnotmen]

When we know that we have value in our identity rather than in our performance or behavior, we are able to get our minds off what others are thinking about us all the time. We can focus on them and their needs, instead of expecting their focus to be continually on us and our needs. This is the basis of healthy, loving and lasting relationships.

Joyce Meyer

[boysrnotmen]

Because I came from such a painful background, the moment that kind of thing happened, I used to put up walls to protect myself. After all, I reasoned, no one can hurt me if I don't let anyone get close to me. However, I learned that if I wall others out, I also wall myself in.

Beauty for Ashes by Joyce Meyer

[boysrnotmen]

Loving you from a distance is hard, praying without you is even harder.

Me

[uncsiren-blog]

The Siren is a student-produced publication at UNC-Chapel Hill that promotes a feminist perspective on issues surrounding gender, identity, sexuality and human rights.

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[boysrnotmen]

The Truth

The truth about being the person that someone breaks up with is that many people think and treat you as though you were the one who did the break up, that just as fast as you were in love you are not out of love and the truth if your truly honest with yourself and everyone around is that, that's not true. You didn't choose to walk away, you didn't choose to give up, you didn't choose to let go of a future with him or her, it was forced upon you. 

Many people respond to that differently, some want to find the next person that will date them so they don't have to feel the loneliness or the hurt, but the truth is (as a person going through it now) the hurt is good for you. It hurts and it is hard to go through but if you can go through a broken heart you could walk through any pain that life has to throw at you because the worst thing you can experience is a broken heart, or a love that you thought would stand the test of time.

I have been asked what is the number one thing you miss and as lame as it may sound to some of you and alot of you may not like me for this, I miss my goodnight prayers with him and the I love you, going to bed knowing that I had God watching over me and that I had someone who loves me dearly even through the night no matter how far away we are from one another. 

[scrotic]

THIS MEANS WAR

[boysrnotmen]

^^^Movie I watched tonight, I can totally relate to this!

[boysrnotmen]

The Ring: My thought process tonight

So tonight is one of those nights you don't sleep and you just reflect on everything. Usually with those nights I simply write in my journal, watch a movie and go to bed. But tonight after doing both of those things I find myself still unable to sleep, but only think.

today I did something very difficult I removed alot of things around my room that reminded me of the love of my life. It was hard packing it away, but as I did it I couldn't help but pray over every single item down to the little bell and key. I then found myself thinking "This is not me giving up, this is me packing his things as an act of faith that God will help him and grow him and mold him into the man he was meant to be, and that in that process possibly along the way things can be mended however right now they aren't going to be and they very could never be mended, however if you don't take that act of faith you never will know." 

I have this ring he got me for my birthday very plain and dainty but gorgeous....I used to wear it on my ring finger after we decided to take a step back from our engagement because my ring finger felt naked without my engagment ring. Then I moved it to my right hand's ring finger and then when he really hurt me I took it off for 2 days to just get it out of my mind. After packing the things up and praying I couldn't help but feel like I needed to keep the ring on.

Are we together? Absolutley not. Is there a chance we could be? Sure there is always chances in life. 

I put the ring back on not for him, and I don't even think for me personally to keep thinking about him but more so as a reminder and a prayer guider. When I start missing him and wanting to contact him I let the words he last said to me resignate in me and then I pray for him and his life because no way could the last things he said be something someone in their right mind would ever say no matter how done they were with a relationship. The words "I don't care." Is kind of like the words he used when he first ever broke my heart over 2 years ago when he said "I don't love you and I never did love you." His head space was so far gone, and even he admitted walking away after saying that, he knew he was lying to himself and to me, and I didn't give up on him, I didn't trash talk him. I didn't even put him down, I simply prayed for him and while doing so packed all his things up in a box and gave it to a friend I could trust to hold onto until it was time for me to go home for the summer and she did just that. But every day I prayed for him like no one's business. I would go to class, get my lunch to go and go back to my room and pray for him. 

this time I intend on doing that only a little differently than before. This time I am taking it 10x harder than before and praying 20x longer than before. I truly believe God can work miracles and even if he doesn't ever bring the man I thought I would marry back to me, I at least hope that in my efforts he will become the man of God he is supposed to be. 

[boysrnotmen]

Words

People can say things that hurt, people can say things because they are hurting, and it's not fair but it is what us as people do. This recently happened to me 2 days ago. I was told some pretty harsh and cruel things that I never expected from the person that told me them. I got through the next day fairly easy about everything that had gone on the night before, but then today happened. I had no work, nothing to really rush around to go do and so what did I do? I thought quite a bit. 

Every time I thought I could just hear the "I don't care" over and over again in my head and it killed me to hear it. At the same time though it strengthened me to stay firm and to keep going because it was enough hurt to push me. As humans we can only handle so much before we harden ourselves to others because the hurt is so overwhelming. 

I recently expressed to someone the way I was feeling from what this person did was "I physically can feel the pain from what had happened, but I can't cry, I can't get mad, I can't yell, because I am so accustom to it and it's now at this point where the pain is almost like a friend." I know that is not a healthy way to feel but it is the way that I am feeling right now. 

What to take away from this: Your words can hurt, and they did hurt and you as a human being not only should feel some kind of remorse for what you said but if you are a person who has said something and didn't mean it or was just down right inhumane about it you should apologize. 

for those who have been on the end of receiving the words: This is going to sound horrible but don't wait for the apology forgive them and understand that your self worth does not depend on them and what they have to say.

[boysrnotmen]

Clarifying

I had one of the most clarifying straight forward conversations with the guy you guys have had to listen to me rant about and then gloat about and now. I am going clarify it, not just for you but also for me to read back on and to tell my future self what I am learning now so I don't need to learn it again.

Dear You,

If you are reading this, either A: Your bored and went through your past entries or B: You need to see this. Your value is not defined by a man's love and yes you have heard it a thousand times from people, magazines, tv, and tumblr but for real you have never heard it directly from me. You are not defined by the man you are with or if he loves you or leaves you. You are defined by God. 

If you walk away from life and what life has to offer you, you will have let the men who trampled you, changed you, hardened you, and made you stronger, win. You are better than that. Your life is of more value than the heartbreak and hurt you are going through. Life is so hard right now and it hurts so bad that you just don't think your going to get through it, but that is because you are having your first real break up that just tore your heart apart. 

Your heart is very strong, you may not think so but it is. Your heart is one of the most vital organs to keep you living and you have been living for almost 22 years. Your life is just beginning. Plenty of people have said that to you but now I am saying that to you. How can I say this? Because I am you and you are me and I know you need to hear this. The next few things I have to say aren't going to be easy, they aren't going to be nice but they are needed to be said.

He blatantly told you he does not care if you move on with your life or if you ended it. WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO BE WITH THAT?!!

You made 1 mistake that you can never take back, YOU GAINED A LIFETIME OF ADVICE AND LEARNING EXPERIENCE!!!

You finally learned to love someone unconditionally and they walked away from you, not 1 time, not 2 times, not even 3 times but this is the 4th time. WHATEVER HAPPENED TO 3 STRIKES YOUR OUT? on a serious note, you now know how to truly love someone...just don't do it till you know the other person is going to love back in the same way

You were engaged for a brief moment and it was AMAZING, do not swear off love, marriage, or a family and ministry, if anything this is just further confirmation that it will happen and that love will be amazing, once your with a guy who can commit what you committed to him.

You may think your stuck in the small town that you are in, however you are far from stuck. You are now unstuck. While yes you lost the person you gave your love to, you also gained a world that is ready to receive you and the love you have to offer to them. 

You will get over this, and you are going to hurt again, there are going to be moments when the razor in the shower, or the pills in the cabinet will look very nice and easy to get a distraction from your pain, but DON'T DO THAT! Feel the pain, let the pain consume you, and then just like the pain consumed you, consume it. Take that pain and harness it as your ultimate energy and drive to go further than you ever have gone before, to stretch yourself in a way that you never stretched before. After you have had your sweatpants, Dear John, Gelato moments, Get that red dress, black high heels, long blonde luscious hair, and sweet mascara with those wide blue eyes and you go out and explore that world. You know exactly what red dress I am talking about, the one that is hanging in your closet waiting for that special date with the special guy, but now your going to use that dress and you are going to meet that special guy. 

Speaking of special guys, That special guy could be someone new, or it could be someone you already know. The idea however is that your not going to hold onto anyone in particular. Your going to keep an open mind and you are going to move forward and see what happens. 

Most importantly don't think for a moment you are not special, that you are not deserving, you are very deserving. You deserve happiness, but happiness doesn't always come in the form of a guy...as a matter of fact usually the guy comes after you have found the happiness. If you ever for a moment consider contacting the guy who said he doesn't care whether your dead or alive, to see if your needed. DON'T.

You are needed by an amazing little boy who loves you so much and cares so deeply for you. He not only willingly and lovingly accepted your broken heart, but he has trusted you with his heart. Don't break it like yours has been broke, you push through and you do what you have to. 

I love you girl

love

me.

[boysrnotmen]

Mother's Day

Today is mother's day, first off congratulations and happy mother's day to those of you who are mothers. 

now for my rant

I have PCOS it is an ovarian syndrome that causes it to be very hard for me to get pregnant or have kids, basically 90% of PCOS people have to have fertility treatments and the other 10% don't have kids at all...oh and that 90% not many of them actually end up with a child.

So you could say that Mother's day is very hard for me. I haven't tried for kids, but I want children, I have always wanted to be a mother someday. Mother's day reminds me that it may not ever happen... people say 'Well there is always adoption" but what they don't understand is, it takes about 5 years or more for 1 child to adopt. 

All that being said, It was even harder this Mother's day because the guy I was with last year did everything in his power even though we were miles away to make me feel special, loved, wanted, and like I was unique and that even though there were medical problems I was always good enough for him. that I was important to him. I know we aren't together anymore but he said he was going to work on this and that we were going to be better and that he was going to show me he can be the loving guy he was last year. problem is all I have seen are more and more road blocks. It's been a weekend that we have gone without so much as 5 minutes on the phone and do you think he misses me, wants to skype, call or anything? No. I am the last thing he even wants to talk to. 

From the break up and the trying to make up but in a realistic way, I have done alot to change for myself and move on and the thing is while I am growing less and less depressed and crying less and less, I am also holding back because I am growing more and more scared that I may actually be growing away from him. That I may actually be "moving on" I had an old guy friend Sam get ahold of me wanting to talk again and I thought to myself...its been 2 years since i have had a guy want to talk and hang out. I don't even know how to do that anymore. I want to be with the guy I have been with for the past 2 and a half years but at the same time I feel like he will never want to be with me the way he should be. 

I know I am not to settle for less and I won't. I just hurt because of what I had with this guy. I think what hurts most is not that its over and that i am the only one trying, but that he used to be the perfect guy even with his imperfections, and now he is far from that, I know he once had the capability of making me happy and now he doesn't he just hurts me and that is what is the most difficult thing to handle. Is knowing that he has all the capabilities to make me happy but chooses not to because it's easier to not try and just let me go.

[boysrnotmen]

Invisible

I was listening to the song "Invisible" by Hunter Hayes and it made this thought process occur.

The hardest part of a break up isn't the lost love, it isn't the fact that your alone again, it isn't even the lonliness, its the feeling of not being needed in someone's life. The idea that your not worth keeping in someone's life. That someone can turn away and in the blink of an eye not need you in their life. That what you have to offer means nothing to them, that you are nothing to them. That you are essentially invisible.

I wish I could say that isn't true, I wish I could say that they need you in their life, but the truth is they don't. Why else would they let you go? No matter the circumstance I have come to realize when someone lets you go, they definitively don't understand what they are letting go of, but they also know that they don't want whatever it is that you may have to offer in their lives...even if its for the better of them. I have come to realize some people as much as they would like to say they want to get better and change in a healthy way to make the relationship work out and also to make themselves a better person, they truly don't do it. They don't want to have to change what has become comfortable way of living for anyone....especially not for someone other than themselves.

Sure people can change, I truly believe that but it has to be by themselves. They have to make the sound mind choice that they don't like how they are living and want to change and want to do the hard work....you could wait till they make the sound minded choice (which by the way I applaud them) but more than likely you will be waiting a lifetime away.

[boysrnotmen]

Interesting how that works

So just this past weekend I took a trip to my college campus since I have been home this year doing my courses online to save money and I sat down and talked with the guy you all hear me rant about. That's when something interesting happened. I didn't know exactly what I wanted to say or was going to say, I didn't know what he was going to say or how I would feel about it. Then when we talked the most profound thing came out of my mouth "I don't want what the world has when it comes to relationships, I want a man who can lead. I know that I am capable of leading but I don't want to lead the relationship I want to be led. "

Don't be afraid of telling people what you feel, even the people you love the most. If you are never honest with yourself and them then you will never truly feel happiness or even a release of things that were weighing you down.

I have no idea what will happen next, but I do know that I was open and honest and I got my feelings to be heard.