it was funny, because i actually already had a post about him saved in my drafts that i started earlier today.
but now i need to write a new one.
we barely knew each other when we decided that we were going to be each other’s first love. we fell fast, you i think, faster than me, because isn’t it true how boys fall first?
i knew we were going too fast and i told you, many times. i said, “i don’t think we’re doing this right.” you said, “does it matter?” you said, “does it matter?” so many times that i began to believe that maybe it didn’t matter at all.
i thought i felt sure of myself, because in the beginning, it sure felt real. the way we messaged each other until 4am, telling stories about our lives. the way we video called each other from across the country. the way you fawned over the sound of my voice. you called me perfect and i wanted to believe it.
when we met it was like a fairy tale. i never usually drive far, but that day, for you, i fearlessly took on the freeway and accidentally drove too far when i missed my exit, because i was so distracted by my excitement to see you, and touch you in person, to know it was real.
i remember pulling up my car (illegally) in a taxi only zone. i got out. it was sweltering hot, 100 degrees. i leaned up against my car and looked both ways down the street to find you until i saw you, and you saw me, and you went running--you threw your cute little skateboard down and it rolled almost into traffic, but you didn’t care, you hugged me so tightly and that was when i thought: this is what it physically feels like to be loved by someone else.
we got into the car and i was so excited that i made the wrong turn several times and got us lost, but eventually we made it to midtown, and we ordered poke bowls and took them to go. you just happened to know the girl behind the counter and when you introduced us, you called me “your girl.” i’d never heard that before. my heart did a flip.
i brought a blanket. we didn’t want to do something basic, like watch a movie--we were bona fide saps. i drove us to the park where i had taken junior prom pictures in, set down my blanket in the soft green grass in the shade. the whole time, i waited for you to kiss me. and you did.
i’d never been kissed before; neither had you. i thought our shared inexperience was kind of cute. we were laying on my blanket looking up at the trees sway and it was so peaceful, and we had my playlist on and there was a song from begin again playing quietly, and you just leaned in and did it. it was awkward at first--i couldn’t figure out how to move my head so our noses didn’t get in the way.
i never thought i’d ever, ever be that girl who kisses on the first date. but there i was somehow, full-on making out with a boy i’d just met, in a children’s park at around 5 in the evening on a warm summer monday. i also never thought i’d ever hit a rebellious stage, lying to my parents about where i was and who i was with. maybe that should have been a red flag about us, too.
in a way, i think we both used each other a little. i think we both felt steps behind in the game and we wanted to prove ourselves. we both wanted that feeling of being loved and being kissed for the first time and a magical summer romance like the one we’d seen in movies.
i knew we’d burn out just as quickly as we’d started- i knew it from the start. and yet i still let myself fall into it.
but it’s interesting that we were each others’ first kiss. because no matter how many years pass, we’re going to remember each other. tonight i told you that i was sorry that i only ended up to be a random summer makeout for you, but i guess i can’t hold you entirely accountable for that, because that’s probably how i’m going to remember you in the future too.
so many things went wrong today but in spite of it all i still want to believe that love is out there and it’s possible for me. it just wasn’t with you. and i don’t hate you for that. it’s just time and distance and i guess it’s probably written somewhere in the stars or by the hands of god or something-- we can’t help our end.
i’ll give you this, you did teach me a lot about myself. a lot of flaws about myself too. commitment scares me, trust is important. in a moment i can let myself be blinded by the illusion of something tangible and in the next moment i can harden. i can flip the switch from idealistic romantic to bleak cynic.
you say we can still stay friends, i say we’ll see. summer is long and it’s day sixteen, two hours in and i’m already fighting the urge to miss you.
ellievsbear
snowghoul
amandla
vaporwave
andulkaphoto
