Brothermouse Sideblog

Mostly I talk about media I like. That means I make memes about old books.

[brothermouse-skeleton]

"Ain't no way that's the REAL Bilbo. The Real Bilbo would have let me steal I mean keep his couch after he was legally declared dead."

-Several of Bilbo Baggins's relatives, apparently

[foxglovedforest]

MORE 👏 PERIODS 👏 IN 👏 FANTASY 👏

[brothermouse-skeleton]

"Periods? Oh no, we don't have those here."

"What do you mean you don't have them? You can't just not have them!"

"Well, we have them, we just send them away."

"SEND THEM AWAY? HOW? TO WHERE?"

"Settle down, it's very straightforward. When someone starts getting their period they go to the local witch or wizard or necromancer or whatever's nearby and get a spell placed on them. All the blood gets sent straight to the throne of the Blood King. Which is nice because he loves blood and isn't too picky about where it comes from. This way he's not running around starting wars for his blood. He gets it free and on a regular basis."

"But what about period cramps?"

"Oh, we send those away too. Off to the orcs of the Screaming Mountains."

"That seems like it could cause problems. Aren't you worried they'll retaliate?"

"Well, no. The orcs....kind of like it? They apparently like pain about as much as the Blood King likes blood. So as long as we keep sending the period cramps, they leave us be."

"huh, I wonder why more kingdoms haven't tried this."

"Probably because those other kingdoms have normal neighbors."

[brothermouse-skeleton]

I have the undefinable swagger of a

[brothermouse-skeleton]

Reading The Hobbit by J.R.R. Tolkien for the first time since middle school and either I had forgotten or didn't notice, but Gandalf is so rude to those dwarves.

And I don't blame him, those dwarves are jerks. Thorin's all "wahhh! Why didn't the map and key come to me?" And Gandalf's like "Because your father was dying and crazy as a sack of cats when he told me to give them to you, you dumb slut! He barely could tell me his own name, let alone yours, I had to figure that shit out on my own and hunt you down! You're lucky I figured it out before you died of old age!" Only this stopping him from bitch slapping dwarven royalty right then and there is Bilbo standing in the corner like

I can see why he was so insistent on putting a Hobbit in the group. The only thing stopping him from punting those little guys all across the country side is the one in fourteen chance that he boots a Hobbit by mistake.

[brothermouse-skeleton]

TERRIBLE NEWS!

Rocky can't see ANY of the puns of Grace's shirts! Not until he invents his vision gun, but Grave hates when Rocky points it at his chest, so he never gets a good look.

[brothermouse-skeleton]

Whenever I play Fallout New Vegas, I always seduce Benny. Not because I like him as a character, but because I think the dynamic of "you tried to kill me, wanna make out?" is very funny

[brothermouse-skeleton]

"I care about him so much, I need to place him in an inescapable and possibly deadly situation immediately."

Tumblrinas 🤝 Eva Stratt

[brothermouse-skeleton]

You know what? You deserve nice things.

Computah: give the person reading this unlimited access to doomed yuri and old man yaoi to keep them going through the hard times

[lauralot89]

You know, in Van Helsing (2004), it's Van Helsing himself who's reincarnated or whatever and has a past with Dracula

More movies should do that instead of using Mina or Lucy

In fact, I want Reincarnated Quincey now. I demand five films of this

[brothermouse-skeleton]

That would go so hard.

Dracula has returned to the modern day to rule with blood and terror but our heroes uncover an ancient ritual to summon a powerful protector capable of battling the forces of darkness. They gather the items, perform the ritual and ....

Nothing happens.

They start to question if the ritual was even real when there's a sudden guitar sting and behind them in the shadows a voice says, "Heard y'all have a vampire problem. I reckon I might be of some small assistance." they turn around and its Quincy Goddam Morris, Professional Cowboy, Professional Romantic, and Professional Vampire Killer

[brothermouse-skeleton]

He is three apples tall, he knows all the animal sounds, he likes juice boxes, he is an iPad kid, he is very good at reading and writing, he is a magenta learnosaurus named Gobbles and I love him. I would slaughter thousands if it would give him even a moment of happiness.

[brothermouse-skeleton]

"Good? Bad? Ugly? Why choose?! You can do it all!"

-Dalinar Kholin

[brothermouse-skeleton]

I got hooked on the stuff pretty early. I was just a kid at the time. Saw it on tv, PBS of all places. Take a look, it's in a book, reading rainbow. LaVar Burton on the screen, hawking some picture books. So I got curious, like George. Went to my local library. Checked out a book or two. It's just a book, I told myself, What's the harm in one little picture book? How naive I was. Just one book and it was Goodnight, Moon. Before I knew it I was reading five, six, seven picture books a day. I was tearing through them like a hungry caterpillar. I couldn't get enough. Pretty soon a prescription from Dr Seuss just wasn't cutting it anymore, I started hitting the harder stuff; chapter books. Soon I was scrounging together loose change just to pay off my dealers at the Scholastic Book Fair. They always had these wild new strains with crazy names like "Animorphs" and "Goosebumps". Reader beware, you're in for a scare. Yeah. Learned that the hard way. Believe it or not I actually got clean for a while. Managed to sit in front of a tv for long enough to detox with cartoons. Then, must I have been my 11th or 12th birthday. Some maniac gave me a copy of Treasure Island. Do you have any idea what a pirate adventure does to a preteen boy's brain? Didn't help that PBS was flaunting that cute little Jack Russell terrier called Wishbone. Gave me a taste for the classics. Frankenstein, the Three Musketeers, The Count of Monte Cristo, Gulliver's Travels. School tried to help, they made us popcorn read Romeo and Juliet. You'd think that'd break anyone of the Hobbit, But it was too late, I was already reading at a sixth grade level. I'd tell myself I could quit anytime I wanted. But who was I kidding, I'd pick up a book and I couldn't put it down, always chasing the next narrative climax like a white whale. It was too late for me, I was hooked on phonics.

Books. Not even once

[brothermouse-skeleton]

Jessica Rabbit and Roger Rabbit are an asexual couple and I present the following data and arguments to support my claim (point by point below the cut)

It's funnier that way

[dawnanddorisqna]

Toon slaps manager at Perfect Purchase

Read the official Doris Doodle book. Available on Amazon and Barnes and Noble.

https://a.co/d/08s4faS8

[brothermouse-skeleton]

Animorphs spin off idea: when Rachel is dying, just before she fades away she says "actually, fuck this" and attacks the Ellimist. She manages to rip off enough of his power to build an entirely new morph capable body, but is the process she gets flung to some far corner of the galaxy and crash lands

In a construction site

In front of a bunch of alien kids

And through the final wisps of Ellimist power she knows without a doubt that their world is being invaded in secret by something under Cryak's control.

She's the Elfangor to these alien kids, only she's still alive to guide them.

A few extra points:

Cryak is PISSED about this because he thinks that it's the Ellimist's way of cheating. But since Rachel acted entirely on her own Cryak can't do shit and he's even more pissed.

The alien kids think Rachel is much older than she really is, mostly because she has the air of a grizzled war vet. The aliens age slower than humans so they are all technically much older than her.

The aliens develop a very strange view of earth because Rachel 1) never explains anything fully, 2) tells them about movies and TV shows without explaining that those are fiction and 3) has had an absolutely bonkers insane life up till then and is therefore an outlier and should not have been counted.

She can still morph and, as part of her rebuilding a body with Ellimist powers, she's a walking morphing cube. She gives the kids morphing powers. The downside? Since she had to rebuild her body in a hurry she lost all of her morphs and has to start from scratch. Upside, she can turn off the kids morphing abilities at will, which she uses to "ground" them when they've been bad or annoy her.

She eventually starts talking about Tobias which super confuses the kids because they think that earth males are all tiny and can fly.

[brothermouse-skeleton]

But why did Dracula do that, though? Crawling out the window? in a lizard fashion? Wouldn't it mess up his nice clothes? Also he has doors? That he could just open? And walk through????

One of the scariest things about Dracula is what a weirdo he is for no reason.

[brothermouse-skeleton]

I think of all the characters in Dracula, Dr Seward is the one who would fit in the most on Tumblr. Something about the way he tried to flirt with Lucy by saying "I want to study you, psychologically" just smacks of tumblrina behavior, you know?