oof

karl ✌🏼

[i-fuck-audis]

MY FUCKING CAR

[venusswasaboy]

I quote this and laugh to myself very, very often.

[pastel-prouvaire-deactivated201]

PSA: tumblr user littlefuckinmonster is stealing human bones from cemeteries in Louisiana. Please don’t let them get away with this and spread the word/signal boost!

[wdapteo]

this post is officially a decade old now

[mutantrenegade]

For anyone who wasnt around when this happened, this was real. Littlefuckinmonster was actually stealing bones from cemeteries. She is the bone stealing witch. She was specifically stealing bones from poor people. She was arrested for it.

[thetrekkiehasthephonebox]

More Information: Tumblr’s favorite grave-robbing witch was busted with a bowl full of bones (The Daily Dot - March 31, 2016)

[burgerdotcom]

reblogs were off

[spaceboytoy]

Hello bisexual community

[spaceboytoy]

Begin killing

[tartrazeen]

[jimmysownworld]

post outing but pre hollander in ottawa a reporter asks roz if he’s ever thrown a game for hollander and roz rolls his eyes and says “no. the first and last time i even joked about throwing a game not even against him he did not let me touch him for 2 weeks. i have not dared to since, it took a 2 weeks long win streak to convince him i was not serious. i do not even joke about things with such dire consequences.” and everyone laughs it off but people online find the 2 weeks long win streak and the whole time roz is playing like hes possessed flattening team after team including montreal and everyone collectively is like ‘ah. them winning against each other is a sex thing.’

[senritsu]

I’ve been thinking about these graphics that depict the cambrian explosion as a LITERAL big bang explosion all day. They’re so fucking funny to me

canbedone / Adobe Stock

Literally kaboom

[doppelgangerleaverite]

[kamenriderhamo]

that looks like a yugioh card for a cambrian themed deck

[angelamerk-el]

[pnglove]

Mate, you’ve got a chubby lizard on your dashboard

[caffeinatedopossum]

Me when I remember something I said ages ago that was wrong or my values no longer align with

[lexicanons]

Married Hollanov decided to do an ad campaign together and they chose Peloton to be the first one. They sit down with the Peloton team and they’re throwing out ideas for the commercial when Ilya cuts in with an idea of his own. As Ilya talks, Shane realizes Ilya is describing the night in the gym all those years ago. The Peloton people love it. They’ll need to work in some other aspects but they go with Ilya’s general idea. The commercial comes out and it opens up on a shot of Shane pedaling on the bike. Ilya joins him a moment later, not before running his hand along Shane’s lower back. They pedal hard on their respective bikes. That turns into running on a treadmill which turns into shadow boxing which turns into other exercises to show off all of the Peloton features before they end up on the floor facing each other, sharing a water bottle and smiling at each other as the Peloton label fills the screen. Shane and Ilya watch the commercial and then decide to read the comments:

‘I didn’t know Peloton was a porn company now’

‘So if I get a Peloton I’ll get a hot husband? He’ll just appear beside me?’

‘You ever look at two people and just know they’re freaks?’

‘Did you see how Ilya mouthed ‘more’ to Shane when he was drinking??’

‘The hand on Shane’s back, helping him stretch during the Yoga part, oh I know Ilya tore Shane up after that shoot.’

[pastainhismouth]

I've read so many fics where our boys are doing laundry every single time they fuck and I get it, I too am not a bodily fluid enjoyer

however!

may I introduce the concept of the sex blanket? it's big and soft but not too slidey. it's lightweight enough to be easily bundled into the washer or a picnic basket ('oh my god, ilya, not in the park') but heavy enough to absorb their sweat and come without getting it on what's underneath. it's just the right texture for shane to have on his back or his knees or his ass or rubbing against his face. it's machine washable and dries quickly without getting too wrinkled. it's a kind of ugly nondescript colour that doesn't seem to stain. it's a practical (because shane) and endearing (to ilya) solution

with me so far? okay.

now please imagine the sex blanket as mating call. Ilya comes home from the grocery store and shane is sitting reading on the sofa, glasses on, not looking at ilya - but he's laid out the sex blanket across the couch and ilya immediately drops the groceries on the floor. shane gets out of the shower after his morning run expecting ilya to be up with anya or making them breakfast - but he's on the sex blanket on the bed, smirking, and shane gets hard so fast he's weak from it. one time ilya lays the sex blanket out on the patio while they're making dinner and shane can't stop shooting glances at it through the patio doors, getting flustered even though they're cooking something complicated with a lot of steps that he really needs to focus on. Ilya pretends innocence and won't touch him until they're outside after dinner...on the sex blanket.

all I'm saying is I think our boys are pavloving themselves into getting hard at the sight or feel of a particular blanket and I'm so proud of them yay

[penandinkprincess]

in love with ilya's facial expression when he's disagreeing with the timeline because he's looking at YUNA when he starts talking like

"no, no, he is wrong. one second. let me get him together. i can't believe he is embarassing me like this in front of my future mother-in-law. please hold."

[myshangel]

myshane is a terminal boyfriend I fear . he's giving Ilya his hoodie when it's cold . hes kissing his knuckles while he drives. he's calling him baby. he's carrying ilyas bag. he's fixing the wonky table when Ilya offhandedly complains about it. he's getting possessive over ilyas Calvin Klein ad and posting a single black and white picture of his hand on ilyas thigh to his Instagram story . he's falling for every social media trend that Ilya tries on him bc he's not online like that. he's intermittently trying to blow luca haas up w his mind every time ilya compliments him. that's MyShane

[ilyasvodka]

has anyone drawn this with Shane & Ilya yet

[princejeanot]

Op the vision is hilarious, you win

[lilyblisslys]

I can see now that “oh fuck I’m gonna soak my jorts” was not an acceptable response to seeing how much pork shoulder I can get for 20$. I’m listening to the grocery shopping community and holding myself accountable.

[radialarch]

ilya rozanov between locker room shower and 9pm:

orders in poutine for dinner. it squeaks! decides he likes it.

hits the hotel gym to do bicep curls.

back to his room to shower. a fortifying cigarette.

half an hour in front of the mirror trying to decide between two nearly identical black tanks. eventually picks one. examines the arms. yeah, they're good.

can't go out into the hallway in his fuck-me shirt. carefully picks jacket to layer on top.

it's eight forty. debates merits of showing up early, but not worth the risk of spooking hollander. turns on the tv for fifteen minutes to practice his english, but everything on is stupid.

eight fifty-five. last look in the mirror. should he be wearing different underwear? he doesn't have time to change. whatever. it's fine.

an aspirational condom in his pocket. the elevator doors open with a soft ding. he probably shouldn't be half-hard in the hotel elevator.

FUCK, IT'S HOLLANDER'S MOTHER.

fuck, thank god, fuck, fuck. he is no longer half-hard in the hotel elevator. ilya's heart is pounding. he needs another cigarette.

1410.

[bedupolker]

It feels cool to be "in" on celebrity gossip before anyone else. I ran into Californian Condor V9 and looked her up on the condor lookup website. It says her current mate is dead and she has no kids but I saw her with a new man AND a juvenile.