Iâm going to seriously die if the major conflict between Bitty and his parents this year isnât him coming out, but if Bitty and Suzanne legit fall out over him using Aunt Judyâs jam recipe.Â
Imagine Bitty and Suzanne, in true Southern fashion, the subtle and not-so-subtle passive-aggressive snipes and asides:
âOh, Dicky, I was planning to send you a care package, but Iâve seen how much you enjoy getting things from your Aunt JudyââÂ
âMother, pleaseââÂ
âShe shared some of those pictures from Mr. Alexei, showing off all that jam you sent to the Falconers! They mustâve loved that recipe so much, Dicky!âÂ
âWell, yes, butââÂ
âAnd you couldnâtâve gotten all those berries up north, so I figured she mustâve sent some up already. Me sending any, theyâdâve just gone to waste! What. a. shame. that wouldâve been.âÂ
And of course it escalates, to where theyâre gritting their teeth through every conversation and furiously complain to their partners after every time they speak.Â
Coach, of course, doesnât care, and wants to stay out of it, but Bitty interprets his silence for taking his mother side. And Bitty probably was already thinking about staying part of the summer in Providence with JackâŠ.Â
Mentioning that to Suzanne, however, opens up a whole new can of worms:
âYouâre neglecting your family!âÂ
âItâs just one summer!â
âIt was just one batch of Judyâs jam, at first! Now youâre making it like youâre fixinâ to feed an army, and whenâs the last time you made our recipe, hm?â
âThatâs not the same thing and you know it, Motherââ
âBut itâs tradition. You always come down for the 4th of July!â
âI can do to skip one year. Theyâreâll be plenty more to come.â
âDo they even celebrate the 4th up there?âÂ
âOh forâYes, Mother. If I stay with Jack weâll celebrate Canada Day, too. Thatâs twice the celebrating! Twice the tradition.âÂ
âDonât take that tone with me, young man.âÂ
âMotherââÂ
ââI just donât know whatâs got into you, Dicky! Itâs like I donât even know you anymore!âÂ
At that point the fight gets real. Â Tempers flare, Words are spoken, and tears are shed, and in the end, Bitty snaps:Â
âYou know whatâs got into me? Fine. Iâm gay. Iâm dating Jack. and Iâm staying with my boyfriend over the summer. Deal with it, Mother!â
At which point Suzanne snaps back:Â
âWell fine! That still doesnât excuse your sorry excuse for preserves!âÂ
and hangs up on him.Â
She calls him back immediately:Â
âAnd just so you know, Jack Zimmermann is a wonderful young man who is welcome in my house any time. You are free to come home as soon as you come off that high horseâve yours and re-learn some manners!â
She hangs up again.Â
And that is my happy head canon of how Bitty comes out to his mother and doesnât speak to her again for two months, not because heâs gay, but because of jam.Â
Jack Zimmermann, on the other hand, receives a congratulatory call, a warm welcome into the family, and weekly care packages with rainbow-themed note cards saying âTo Jack, my favorite son.â (You didnât think Bitty got his saltiness from Coach, did you?)Â
(For his part, Coach calls Bitty for an awkward but warm âSo your mother says youâre gay, that right? Dating Zimmermann, too? Well. Guess you got some good taste there, Junior.â)















