calamitous platypus

stories n shit from the lives of me & the people i care about

[calamitousplatypus]

BIGGEST CONFIDENCE BOOST

when my friend was like “ooohhh shit I like your makeup!!” but I wasn’t wearing any

[calamitousplatypus]

This isn’t supposed to be funny like a lot of my stuff—it’s just something I want to say.

Pretty soon, I’m moving away from my family, to the other side of the country. We’ve been apart before, but this is the first time I’ll be truly on my own. I feel like I should be scared, or nervous, or at least apprehensive about taking on more responsibility.

But I don’t. The way I see it, I’m letting some responsibility go.

When you live with other people, when you love them and care about them, you become responsible for them. You function as a unit. My sister is too young to drive, so I drive her wherever she needs to go. Dinner is ready when it’s ready whether I am or not. When I cook, I cook for everyone. When I do laundry, it’s for everyone. The sulfate-free shampoo I bought? Of course they can use it, my stuff belongs to everyone.

I don’t want to sound like I’m complaining—it’s important to understand that not everything is about you. Everyone watches out for their family. That’s what kind, mature people do, and I’m willing to do it.

But I’ve only recently realized how freeing it’s going to be to not be responsible for anyone except myself. To take care of myself and no one else. To worry about myself and most of the time, no one else.

To have no one around to worry about me.

That’s not scary, it’s a weight off my shoulders. Freedom. Power. Self-sufficiency.

I can’t wait.

[calamitousplatypus]

my mom just now, completely serious, referring to an instagram post of my friend’s dog: ALEX HAS A GOAT?! I DIDN’T KNOW ALEX HAD A GOAT

[calamitousplatypus]

my mom’s friend is in all of these earthy vegany meetup groups and groupchats and such. one person says “hey I have a BLIND PEACOCK that needs to be transported to her new foster home 2 states away would anyone be able to help” naturally mom’s friend volunteers. she drives and loads up the peacock w her little peacock bed into the backseat of the car but has to stop driving when the peacock (peahen excuse me) ESCAPES THE BED and begins FLAPPING AROUND THE CAR and PRESENTING A DANGER TO HER ABILITY TO DRIVE SAFELY. she calls her brother. who lives somewhat nearby. he, a normal man, cannot believe what is happening. for the rest of the drive, mom’s friend’s brother makes fun of her as she sits in the passenger seat stroking and talking to a blind peacock

[calamitousplatypus]

me waking up at 2pm: well time to eat 4 bowls of cereal

me at 5pm: gee I wonder why I’m not hungry guess this limp stalk of celery is dinner

me at 10pm: well time to eat 4 bowls of cereal and go to sleep

me at 3am after not going to sleep: well time to utterly demolish a gallon tub of ice cream, a family size box of cheezits, and my 9th daily bowl of cereal

[calamitousplatypus]

last night. 6pm. I am tired n decide to take a nap. not unusual for me to take 1-2 hr naps in the afternoon/evening, mind u. but this time I black out and wake up extremely well rested at 2:16 am. big uh oh. currently it is 4:13 am. I have showered, eaten breakfast, planned my outfits for the next 3 days.

now what

[calamitousplatypus]

it is 2:29 am and there is currently an owl outside my window who has decided it’s time to start w the loud ass hooting and I am not in the mood for this shit

[bizarrespot]

Bisexual culture is watching the “Sucker” music video and not being able to decide who’s sexier, Nick or Priyanka

The part where Priyanka is walking up to the bedroom and dramatically gets rid of her clothes? And then the way Nick is waiting in there with that hot damn look on his face?? Jesus christ.

[calamitousplatypus]

when I was 13 my class got an assignment to write emails to our future selves and use a fancy high-tech website to schedule the emails for delivery years in the future. give ourselves a window into our younger minds and all that jazz.

now it is the future, my email has arrived, and I am pleased to announce that approximately 60% of it is about my undying love for one direction

[calamitousplatypus]

my dog is a big dumb excited bean. he tries to jump on everyone he sees and give them many kisses.

one fateful day he escapes from the front door as the mailman rounds the corner into our driveway. big dumb excited bean runs at top speed to jump on the mailman and give him many kisses.

mailman sees big dog running toward him and whips out his pepper spray. bean is sprayed in the schnoz and tries to wipe it off with his paws which is unsuccessful for obvious reasons.

we forgive mailman bc big dog running toward u is scary af. we wash the schnoz. bean snorts for the rest of the day but is fine.

moral of the story: before u give many kisses make sure u are not being scary bc u may just get urself sprayed in the schnoz

[calamitousplatypus]

i am currently lying in bed unable to sleep because the cupid shuffle is stuck in my head

[calamitousplatypus]

last week i read an article that contained the word ludicrous. i have mentally pronounced this word loo-crid-ee-us for my entire life.

it hit me that this word and the spoken one pronounced loo-duh-cris are indeed the same word.

there is no loocrideeus. there is only ludacris

[calamitousplatypus]

let me take you back to seventh grade. i am in a production of seussical. i am gertrude mcfuzz which, for those not in the know about seussical, is a lead. i am excited about this.

i am sleeping over at my friend’s house. i dream that i am home alone and decide to practice my favorite song because i am alone in the house and no one can hear me.

side note: gertie mac is an insecure little bird. at this point in the show she lists things she doesn’t like about herself. ha relatable. mood. same.

so now it is 2am and i am in my friend’s room screaming “my EYES are too SMALL, i have VERY LARGE FEET, and i’m not very proud of my PITIFUL TWEET!”

sleep singing apparently sounds like you are being burnt to a crisp in an electric chair.

i try to tweet like a bird which results in a pterodactyl screech. my friend yells my name. i sit bolt upright and yell “OH NO. I WAS SINGING IN MY SLEEP.” immediately go back to sleep and remember very little in the morning.

my friend fills me in at breakfast and laughs hysterically. i crawl into a hole, never to be seen or heard from again

[calamitousplatypus]

my sister age 13 is in social studies class. they are talking about stereotypes. one boy raises his hand and says

“everyone knows there are two groups in this grade: the nerds and the sportos”

[calamitousplatypus]

my mom saw me with bare feet and made the observation that my toes were purple. i had not previously noticed but upon looking down i found my toes were indeed purple.

now i am iron deficient and my mom is prone to worrying so despite my protests the interaction quickly escalated into me sitting on the side of the bathtub soaking my toes in lukewarm water eating a peanut butter sandwich.

then. in bathtub water i see hints of purple color. i pull my foot out. toes are no longer purple.

that day i had been wearing black socks.

it was dye. purple black sock dye.

from my socks.

[calamitousplatypus]

at summer camp. there are people from everywhere. in his opening speech head leader dude goes “who here is from the east coast??” and everyone from the east coast claps and cheers.

then he goes “west coast??” more claps and cheers.

then he goes “anywhere else??” and there is a noticeably smaller amount of claps and cheers.

except the kid who jumps on his chair and screams “CHICAGO YEEEAAAAAAAHHHH” at a volume level of 20 air horns.

i want to be him when i grow up

[calamitousplatypus]

talking to a girl at a theatre festival and we somehow landed on the topic of my last name which is similar to peterson.

now as far as last names go peterson is not particularly uncommon or interesting in my experience. i would consider it average. ordinary. vanilla flavored, perhaps vanilla bean

but she reacted as follows

“your last name is PETERSON??!?!? oh my GOD that is SO CUUUUUTE!! I wish MY last name was peterson!!!!”

i did not know how to respond in the moment and still do not