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@callierosebrown
Life's bizarre.
I read a post about this world: we make choices and we can be who we want.
Well I want to be smart, and pretty, and funny. I want to be independent most of all with an end result of happiness.
Don’t I deserve that? Don’t we all deserve that?
Hi. My name is Callie. I’m eighteen, in my final year of school and preparing myself both mentally, intellectually and physically for independent life next year. At university.
I haven’t posted since I turned 18 (give or take) but being 18 is a vital step up from 17. It’s not like turning from 12...
so, hi. i'm callie.
Hi. My name is Callie. I'm eighteen, in my final year of school and preparing myself both mentally, intellectually and physically for independent life next year. At university. I haven't posted since I turned 18 (give or take) but being 18 is a vital step up from 17. It's not like turning from 12 to 13, or even 15 to 16. Turning 18 brings its own individual and unique challenges. It's a time in your life when, overnight, you are expected to take on responsibilities, act mature, know politics, and, on top of all, you're expected to look after yourself. For me, the last one has been the hardest. Funny that, really, when most people presume you're already doing that. After all, they have probably been doing it since their early teens - they certainly dress themselves, might cook occasionally and some even have a profound and rather wise view of the world. Not me. Not with people who have suffered or are suffering at the hands of anorexia. I think it's easy for people to assume that everyone has the same experiences, or slightly different experiences but with the same outcome. We're generally socialised with similar people either because we pick our friends due to mutual interests, or we have mutual interests because of our friends. It's not until something really bizarre, spectacular, or devastating happens to us that we feel truly alone. And for many, that hasn't yet come, or is a disaster that many others can relate to (for my generation, this 'disaster' seems to be low grades). For me, I have never felt as lonely as I did a year ago. I told myself I didn't need friends - they were only making me fat. I told myself they didn't like me, so I should dislike them. I told myself that all that mattered were my grades and my friends were just a distraction. I told myself this was my choice, my decisions. The truth is, I, like many others, was lonely not because of my friends and not even because of me. I was lonely because of anorexia. This time a year ago, I started this Tumblr account. I had just been dianosed with anorexia nervosa and didn't know who to turn to. I started going to the hospital for treatment, but doctors never really feel like friends at the best of times, let alone when (after spending so long trying to lose weight) they're are trying to get you to eat more than they themselves do. But that was a long time ago. It's easy to say "I'm not the same person anymore", and I am tempted to defend myself by denying that I am that girl, but I am that girl. I am the same me, the same Callie. The difference is, I'm not Ana anymore. I'm not plagued with thoughts of exercise and food and weight and numbers. I don't ignore my friends or revise all day or starve myself or over exercise. I laugh, drink, eat, play. Sure, I revise too, but I balance it out. Well, I balance it better. I'm not cured, I'm not free but I'm not Ana. so, hi. i'm callie.
This is Evanna Lynch. For those of you who don’t know, she played Luna Lovegood in the Harry Potter films. Evanna was born in Ireland, and she was a massive potter fan. Had tumblr existed during her childhood, there is no doubt that she would have been a leading figure in the at of potterheads. Evanna used to write to JK Rowling, and she even received replies. Harry Potter was her life. But, as a teenager, her life took a drastic turn. She developed anorexia, and became so ill that had she not been admitted to Rhodes Farm in London, she would have died. As she struggled through her stay there, she continued to receive letters from JK Rowling. Each was written on thick parchment paper, embossed with Rowling’s wax seal. After a couple of months, Evanna received a proposition from Rowling. If she recovered from anorexia, then she would be invited to audition for the part of Luna Lovegood in the Harry Potter films. So, despite the mental torture and a lot of hard work, Evanna got better, and was discharged. Soon after, she went for her audition, and made the part. Since then, Evanna has had much success. Recovering from an eating disorder is one of the hardest things that a person could have to do, but if successful, they have shown strength that is outdone by nothing. This girl is such an inspiration. She is the living, breathing example that if you want recovery hard enough, you will get there in the end. Never give up; there is never a time when all is lost. This story is true, and needs to be seen and heard by as many as possible. Recovery is worth it.
there’s nothing scarier than the split second where you lose your balance in the shower and think “oh god they’re going to find me naked”
I know I haven't posted in a while. I'm sorry :/
So being 18 isn't the end of the world but I got RIDICULOUSLY drunk at my party and I told some guy about my anorexia and now I don't know how to act. Eugh.
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Tortured.
I'm so sick of feeling like this. My head is so busy, so loud. Maybe it's normal, to feel like this, but I'm sure I never used to. I used to be happy, relaxed, care-free. Now my head shouts and screams and I don't know what to do, other than cry then sleep. It's torturing. It honestly is. I must beat this. I have to.
Bonjour. Long time, no see
It's been FOREVER. Well, like a week.
But that week has been hectic. I've had my highs and I've had my lows but that's what the bumpy path of recovery entails I guess.
So this time last week, I sat on my mum's lap sobbing uncontrollably, crying until I exhausted myself and then slept, emotionally to worn out to do anything. The stress of school work just gets to me and it leaves me feeling fat, worthless and what-is-the-point-ish.
But this week I feel calmer; zen almost. What's the point in worrying? Where is that going to get me? I'm thinking more rashly - I won't get anywhere if I wear myself out. So what if I ate ice cream? It's on the meal plan, other people have ice cream. I am allowed it.
So I've been absent because I'm either too caught up in anorexia to be worthy of this wonderful recovering community, or because I feel that I'm so recovered that I don't have time to check Tumblr (although, more likely, that I'm too busy doing schoolwork...)
But yes, I wanted to say sorry to those who noticed I was absent but I'm feeling more positive now. And hopefully that will last. Hopefully.
I appreciate this do much and I love you loads - thank you for sending me this - but I don't feel better. I feel inadequate and lonely and pathetic. You're so sweet though. Sorry I haven't messaged in so long ❤ 😘 xxxxxxxx
AGH I CAN'T DO IT.
Everything is so effing triggering and ASDFGHJKL FOR EFFS SAKE.
I don't know why but the voice is loud tonight :(
It's crazy and stupid and dead annoying but I'm powering through. I still had everything but I feel awful. BUT NO. Walnut cake was yum. I feel full but it must be psychological because I haven't eaten too much or over, and I'll eat less tomorrow because I'm out all day and I need to satisfy tonight so my thoughts are irrational and sorry for blabbing ok I'm done.
Had a lovely night with my friend XD
It was a surprise - I thought it would be awful and I... I mean, anorexia... Would rather I had stayed home but I forced myself and ATE ROUND HER HOUSE. TRIFLE NO LESS. HELL YES.
Coursework and coffee ☕ More specifically, MOCHA 🍫
Oatmeal
Can we just all take a minute to appreciate the greatness of oatmeal.
Absolutely buzzing.
Anorexia hates parties. Sometimes she convinces me not to go. The times I defy her are the times I have the most fun. Suck it ana.
Party tonight. Party tonight.
For once I actually want to go. But I'm stressing out. There's so much to do. Fake tan, fake nails, hair, make up... And all whilst ignoring how triggered I am by my body and the thought of liquid calories.
