to be alive

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So i got my first ever essay university grade back, and too say i'm shocked and upset would be a complete understatement. I did really really bad, there is definitely no doubt about that. To get only 46% (a D) is not good . and to have a really bad couple of weeks and too see that mark of pretty much failure has torn me quite a lot. but i guess bad grades happen and it's not like i didn't try my hardest. I guess i need to wake up and realize this isn't high school anymore. This is the real world. A real world where things are critiqued and judged so that you can become your very best. They wouldn't have given me the D if i didn't deserve it. Obviously i have a lot to work i need to do and i will have to spend maybe a lot more time than others on things like essays. But i really hope i do get there. Even if i don't get there i'll just start fresh with something new i guess. 

But i have set a new goal, and that new goal is too spend more time writing. Reviewing , anything. The more i write, hopefully the better i get. 

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i like to listen to this cause most days i hate talking to people about my feelings. but mitch and christian just answer questions and most the time i relate even if it's just a little bit. i'm so grateful for these podcasts they make me feel like days will get better. 

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so something happened.

well, i added some guy i liked (stupid of me i shouldn't have) um well i did and he accepted straight away which is immediately like wow . and then i refreshed it and he already unadded me. but instead of being upset and sad about it. it has kinda motivated me. to be the best person i can be , to prove people wrong. to show people i am somebody and someone. and even though most days i don't feel like i am. i will one day and when that day comes it's going to be great and i'm going to walk so confidently and just not give a fuck. but until then i just want to be me and not care what some guy thinks. i don't know. i think lots and feel lots of feelings and it sucks but i'll get over it.

thank you for reading this you rock! 

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my name is careless blog and yet i care too much how ironic 

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i ate dinner at least. i'm not usually one to pass on meals. especially since coming home from university where mostly what we're feed is the same , nice but the same. routine i guess. 

im just sad and the fact it's because of loneliness makes me feel more sad. i don't know if it's cause my mother's ashes are now in the house . but something has caused me to be more tired and sadder than most things. at least the ice cream gives me comfort as if a friend. 

to watch perks of being a wall flower and to wish to be charlies friend is something. if i only had a friend who could half relate to me i'd enjoy that company a little more maybe. i'm sick of the furriness and kindness of our ginger cats. i'm no hater of cats (although at times i wouldn't say they're my freinds) but sometimes i just want someone who can reply back to me in words that can comfort. cat sounds just don't do really. 

i miss so many things and yet i don't miss anything at all

confusion is a weird thing , not knowing is worst. but sometimes i'd rather not know than know . i just wish for change or for something nicer right now 

i'll probably wake up tomorrow, easter, the day christ died for us on the cross. and regret this whole post.

but its okay cause nobody reads these things , outside of high school you turn into a nobody reallly. nobody cares unless they want too i guess. 

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an old poem i wrote at a bus stop

i missed it,

i don't know how i do it,

every time,

i miss my moment,

i watch the minutes go by.

i look a head to greatness yet

too far it seems for me 

to reach.

guess the waiting game is

on.

lets hope the time does not

blind me

i already feel like i've fallen

behind in this time. 

originally written 26/07/2013 1:09pm

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i lost a friend, i lost a tree.

It's strange to say the least. After almost 2 months of being absent from home i am back. To come home being welcomed by a ghost of a tree and replacement of old paintings and pictures was a shock. Never did i imagine the tree where the easter bunny would leave my egg shaped chocolates would disappear. Walking past it the first time i felt like i was at the scene of a murder (maybe a little over emphasized) but never the less seeing all of the chopped up trunk of the tree laying in the corner faced me with so much emotion. I could just imagine the scene, cutting down the tree and as they  chucked each piece of the tree in the corner with no care or emotion to it.

It made me think about how something which seems so irrelevant like a tree actually has such a big impact on our lives. This one tree had brought more emotion to me than i had faced in awhile. The thing is that the tree was more than "just a tree" it was a link to so many childhood memories. 

 Something which i'd like people to learn from this little story of my tree in the front yard. Is to not let things go unnoticed . When i say that i'm not talking about like say a pimple on someones face or flaws or anything. There are definitely some things i hope no one remembers. But I mean the things which remind you of a happy time or even a sad. Sometimes it's the most natural of things or most simple of things which we walk by each day never thinking about it. 

One day that one thing will be gone, sometimes with out you even being there and you'll realize how important something can be.

I know this seems a little over the top to write so much about a tree. But i guess i love things which remind me of my past because all of those moments have made me who i am. 

hope your day has brung you some joy even if it's in something little

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Following on from the last post about TFIOS. Birdy has released a lyric video for her song Not About Angels. The song is truly stunning and connects the same emotion which the John's book does. This film is going to be incredible, just by piecing together the sound track and film clips which have been released you can feel it's magic. 

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“It's a metaphor, see: You put the killing thing right between your teeth, but you don't give it the power to do its killing.”

I love this scene in the book and after watching the clip of how it's acted out i'm so so excited for the film to come out in a few months! 

The Fault In Our Stars June 2014

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dammit i'm so slack i haven't posted in nearly 2 weeks???

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Awkward Uni story #1 (i suspect there's tons more to come)

it's the typical girl meets boy story, and for these days it's nothing unusual that it's over some app like tinder right?? 

But if you knew me you'd know that nothings normal. I kinda just awkward out and end up saying things i shouldn't and missing the social pick ups which i suppose to reply in some sort of way to make the guy somehow "want me"

Welllllllllllll i may've said some really bad comments (not mean more funny trust me everyone gets a good laugh about it) don't worry that includes me too.

But i'm not writing what i actually said or anything because i feel the element of mystery is probably more interesting. But i want to comment on how he's in the same hall as me and our awkward eye contact always makes me want to lock myself in my room and never exit.

I guess, the funniest part happened a few nights ago when i was holding my guitar going into the music room, and for some reason or another could not open the door. So i pretty genuinely just was like "can someone help". You can probably guess who came to help? Yup, and he opened the door seriously easy and i felt like a goof ball. Mainly because i feel like it may've come a cross that i wanted to talk to him and like be around him. (which sometimes i do, i don't know) . 

But this morning was just great, like super great. Walking out of the dining hall and sharing eye contact only to realize later that i had breakfast on my face haha. It's probably understandable why he hasn't found me that approachable as i am putting the stereotype of girls being "confusing" to truth.

next time maybe i;ll ask someone for help, i obviously need it haha.

oh well hope all is going well and this story managed to put a smile on your face even for a moment. (if you could understand it through my horrible explaining)  

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Catch up uni life

you might be wondering for once i'm on the quiet side. this is due to something i call sqans (sudden quiet and nervous syndrome) something i've somehow picked up in the week and a bit since being at canterbury university. it's pretty much put me 5 steps back and i feel like a 5 year old child being told about the real world for the first time.  either way by day life here is getting better which i'm loving. the bus system is strange here but cheap which is the best thing. internet here is sadly pricey but oh well (it was bound to hit me at some point) but at least the food here is A+ . 

there's honestly too much to say since i last wrote and i have to much extra work to do . tip : don't buy your text books late it makes life so much worst. 

oh well hope all is well for anyone reading this

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day three

university is such a social person place. (not me at the moment) pretty much constant parties and misbehaving and i feel so out of place. maybe i'm in the wrong but i'm literally burnt out and it's 8:15pm . i haven't drunk any alcohol or anything and i haven't even had that late a nights these past few days. i don't know how people keep up the "teenage reputation" drinking is so wasteful in my opinion . 

i'm not missing home but i'm missing the company of people who don't feel like they have to over drink every single day. 

good news we had orientation today i found out there's hardly any communications people which is good because only 20 people get in next year which is like none. but i swear there was only 30 people so i should be alright! especially when the statistics are something like 1 in 5 people fail/drop out after first year. 

i hope you're all having an awesome day/ week / month make the most of everything! (:

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University life day one and part of day 2

i can't believe i've moved in. University is definitely different to anything i could imagine. Arriving here i had a billion feelings as you could imagine but the one feeling that probably pushed me out of my socialable ways was the sudden movement to being timid/shy around new people. It's COMPLETELY overwhelming at first. I literally just tagged onto anyone i could and everyone probably thought i was somewhat of a weirdo but oh well i've past that now. I'm in a pretty cool hall and canterbury uni is a great university so i'm very grateful! Super good food, the people are nice and the facilities are really really good. I managed to somehow (people still ask me how) get a room with a bathroom (only 4 in this building apparently) . It's really cool like i don't even need to leave my room really except for meals. 

The whole "making friends thing" yeah it happened. I got there, i made friends. they're super nice. it's not that hard to meet people after the awkward stages , especially when there's 170ish people. Probably helped that all 3 buildings of R & R hall had a big party last night and the tutors supplied free alcohol. As tempting as it was i 100% resisted from alcohol haha. 

It was pretty incredible though, seeing about 170 people in one room drinking alcohol and socializing. Admittedly like nothing i've seen before (only in movies) . But apparently it's something of a routine to most so i guess i better get used to it or i'll be stuck in my room for the rest of the year (which would suck).

hmmm what else??? i can't really think of anything just now . But we have a church service in the chapel tonight and then dinner and i guess everyone will start drinking because the bar opens across the road (the uni bar)

Keep you updated again soon! 

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Big ups to "happy" singer Pharrell for teaming up with Cris Crib for this super catchy and soon to be predicted to be the biggest hit "Liar Liar' . Check it out and tell me what you think! 

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There's no doubt that bullies are out there, and yes bullies suck! But just remember that bullying doesn't last forever. love is louder! 

This video is literally the best to help out/comfort anyone whose been bullied or is to this day being bullied. stay strong everyone! better days are to come and in fact there's so much stuff in the world to explore and so many adventures waiting for you to unlock that i can assure you every day is worth living!

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// 2 days left

it's getting to that point, the point where a numbing feeling is taking over all thoughts and feelings of knowing that soon i'll have to say goodbye to home. although right now i'd rather be away then at home it still makes me sad knowing that i have to leave so many great memories. but those memories are past and i'm willing to take a step for the best to future. i hope "best" is gonna be a word i use a little more than less this year. " the best day of my life " "the best friend" "the best ice cream" "the best hug". well, i guess we'll see . 

until then enjoy reading or not reading this post from me not from some gossip site about a celebrity . hi hey goodbye