Where I Write and Dream and Feel

s a t i s f a c t i o n s a v e d h e r

[catchingwordsiwillforget]

i want to drown it out

these little things

my own words

and actions

and their unintended effects

weigh so heavily

and i feel like i could cry

i want to drown it out

because my heart

feels clouded

and my mind

is just restless

and endlessly tired

i feel like i’m shrivelling inside

i want to drown it out

this hopeless feeling

this muted but loud

embarrassment

that crashes like waves

until i’m completely soaked

and i feel like i could die

so i’m drowning it out

with music that just

takes up space

and these lines that

are driven by emotion

and i’m doing my best

to not feel like drowning

i’m drowning it out

can you hear me?

because here goes

my last breath of air

[catchingwordsiwillforget]

These little things trickle like raindrops plummeting towards the earth.

They quiver and fall down a turbulent path only to burst upon contact.

These little things are for me to take until there is nothing left.

I will trickle and fall, quiver and shake, with these little things.

And because they’re so little I am the only person who will know.

[catchingwordsiwillforget]

You say you’re not a dreamer, that life is not a game, and every astronomic thought, is only in your way.

The only things that can exist, is that which you can see, so you taught yourself to never look, passed reality.

But in your shaking hands, and the tremors of your voice I see all your futile tries, to eliminate that choice.

Because life is full of wonder, full of happiness and regret, the inevitable mistakes, that you never can forget.

And should you try to obfuscate, your bold bewitching dreams, you’ll never come to realize, that things are more than what they seem.

So don’t give up on dreaming, because that is who you are, why should you only see the sky, when you can see the stars?

[catchingwordsiwillforget]

Give me one or the other.

Give me a life of fantasy and adventure one that will sweep me off my feet one where I must prove myself and become a hero.

Give me a life of daring escapades thrilling sword fights and impossible conquests where I must be brave beyond my years.

Give me a life with the chance to be more than just me.

Or

Give me a normal life in an ordinary world with trials of equal challenge and reward.

Give me a life full of love and mistakes with limited failures and success and I am allowed to only be me.

Give me a life with happiness worth more than a happily ever after.

But you must give me one or the other.

[catchingwordsiwillforget]

I should stop this habit of discrediting kindness that is borne from impure intentions.

Kindness is not made from intentions. In the end, all that matters is what you do.

[catchingwordsiwillforget]

It’s unfair. And no one knows it but me.

I can’t complain cry out or even be honest.

The smallest act or misstep derails everything.

So I sit and type these thoughts far away.

In a room where I can hear them speak about me.

If I should attempt to defend myself.

There is no doubt that I would fail to be heard.

Because I am ‘always right’ and so I never am.

It’s unfair. And no one knows it but me.

[catchingwordsiwillforget]

Have you never wished? Have you never tried? If a star shot passed you, would you let it go by?

Have you never dreamed? Have you never sighed? If the world was in your hands, would you shut your eyes?

[catchingwordsiwillforget]

If I knew how to smoothen crinkles iron out the creases that only know how to fold, If I knew how to  mend what’s broken heal wounds that only know how to fester, If I knew how to  ease away the aches soften unintentional blows that only know how to hurt, then perhaps I would know how to apologize.

[catchingwordsiwillforget]

Glass Doll

If a glass doll in winter cannot be seen unless

If a glass doll in water cannot be seen at all

If a glass doll in summer can usually be seen but not forever

Is a glass doll worth seeing at all?

If a glass doll is broken beyond complete repair

If a glass doll is chipped imperfect for unend

If a glass doll is missing was but now nowhere

Is a glass doll worth keeping in the end?

And if a glass doll exists if it has been at all looked at and touched admired and loved searched for and such

Why can no one remember the glass doll?

[catchingwordsiwillforget]

she asked him once if it mattered she asked him if it mattered to him that she was stranger than most her hair untamable her face unmade her hands calloused her voice in tangles her figure plain herself, alone, always did it matter to him? she asked him she asked him he told her no but left her the next day

[catchingwordsiwillforget]

I don't want to write a phrase that won't inspire or amaze i don't want to lose their gaze their admiration and their praise trapped inside this shallow daze of my perfectionistic state my mind wallows with distaste at any less than perfect case even now my eyes are shamed looking at these rhyming frames wake me from this cyclic haze and all the flaws i can't erase

[catchingwordsiwillforget]

I wrote this a couple years ago for a humanities project. It's a poem based on a Filipina war veteran, the only Asian woman to have been awarded the Silver Star in World War II.

[catchingwordsiwillforget]

I don’t know what to write about

I’m afraid that it won’t rhyme

I’m afraid no one will want to read it

I’m afraid of every line

I know that this is stupid

The words won’t fall in place

I know that you’re watching me

Write words I should erase

I’m terrified of you

I don’t know what to do

I write and write only because

I want you to see it too

To see that feelings are my message

To see that I am sorely flawed

To see that I don’t want to write a word

That’s not guaranteed to be loved

But you’re still here for some strange reason

You have faith in me

And so I’ll keep on writing, writing

To see what you see

[catchingwordsiwillforget]

you're kind in kind until you're tired i love to laugh at you every gaze and praise required i will give it too

of course in jest, in jest and sneer i dehumanize you're worth the sum of endless clear the sun antagonize

i close my eyes, my eyes are tired i fail to laugh at you every ounce of life desired every hair undo

[catchingwordsiwillforget]

smile

if i could stop time just for a while i would say ‘hi’ and i would smile

there is a child without a mother no father, no sister a child with no other

if i could fly just for a while i would say ‘hi’ and i would smile

there is a son who is not enough for his young mom broken from love

if i was not shy just for a while i would say ‘hi’ and i would smile

to the man who is drinking his sorrows away to the women who’s losing her faith everyday to the girl at his doorstep because he was done and the boy who was left without anyone

i will say ‘hi,’ just for while ‘it’s okay to cry, but continue to smile.

‘smile for yourself you’ve made it so far the pain you’ve been dealt will restart your heart’

say ‘hi’ and smile just for a while say ‘hi’ and smile just for a while

you still have time you can say ‘hi’ just for a while and i would smile

[anonnotsoanon]

pretending

i pretended to be in love in high school pressure i told them, i loved her

i pretended to not be in love in college dreams i told them, i do not love her

i pretended to be in love a youthful energy in me i told them, i love her

i pretended to not be in love i was tired of trying, i told her, i do not love her

[catchingwordsiwillforget]

I'm not a poet

I'm not creative

All I do is write one word after the other and pretend I know what I'm doing

The truth is I don't