Posted by u/CuffedAndConfused
AITA for accusing my crush of being a serial killer and "living in the past" even though the entire time I've been following him, I knew my dad ruined his life?
Okay, I know the title is a mess, but I'm currently suspended from my job, so I can't ask my coworkers who are also my only friends. I (late-20ish M) am a police officer, or at least I will be when the suspension is lifted. My family has a . . . complicated history. My father is a former police officer who went down for hiding evidence. He ruined a lot of people's lives.
One of those people was my crush's dad. Kay (late-20ish M) and I have been working together on a case which his work inspired. We've been inseparable, mostly because I've handcuffed myself to him. But even before I forced him to work with me, I had a crush on him. The kind of crush where you just have to know where they are at all times for their own safety. Obviously.
I've also known that after my dad ruined everyone's lives, Kay's dad tried to commit suicide after killing his mother and trying to kill him as well (he survived but is in a bad shape), and their family lost everything. But I never mentioned that to him. Why would I? It would have made things awkward, and I wanted him to like me, not see me as the son of the man who destroyed his childhood. Besides, that was the past. We were working on the present.
Fast forward to now. Because of Kay, we caught the killer. We did it together. It was beautiful. But then I found out from one of my police buddies (who shouldn't even be talking to me because I'm suspended) that Kay went with my sister to go visit the killer. Without me. In prison. Just the two of them.
Because of that, I accused Kay of actually being the killer. I'm not jealous that he talked to another man or that my sister seems to like him more. That's ridiculous. I just think it's odd that Kay would go without me unless he was hiding something, because I'm always with him for everything, all the time, since I never let him out of my sight. It's called being thorough. If he went to see the killer without me, that means he has secrets. And if he has secrets, he could be the killer. Simple logic.
Then the news broke. Some annoying ass reporter who is doing the most dug up my father's old case and splashed it all over the evening broadcast. My face was everywhere. The headline read: "DISGRACED OFFICER'S SON NOW WORKING HIGH-PROFILE CASE." I didn't even get a warning.
Kay showed up at my house that night, furious. His eyes were red. He demanded to know why I never told him who my father was. He said I had time to come clean, that I watched him struggle, that I knew what my family did to his, and I just let him work beside me like nothing happened.
I panicked. I deflected. I brought up his sick dad. He completely snapped. He said, "How do you know about my dad? I never told you that." And I realized I slipped. I have been quietly observing him all the time from a normal distance without his knowledge. Just keeping tabs. That's not stalking, that's caring. But he didn't see it that way.
So I told him to quit living in the past. I can't remember exactly what I said, but it was close to "Your trauma isn't my fault. My dad is the one who did those things, not me. I've moved on. You should too. You can't keep dragging me down because of something that happened before we even met."
He just stared at me and shook his head.
I was just trying to solve the case and protect the people I care about. If he had just told me he was visiting the killer, none of this would have happened. So, AITA for accusing him of being the killer and telling him to move on, even though I've known about his trauma the whole time and have been quietly watching him for months?
TL;DR: I (cop) have a crush on Kay (civilian). We caught a killer together. He visited the killer without me, so I accused him of being the actual murderer. When he got mad at me for never telling him my dad ruined his family, I brought up his dad's suicide attempt and told him to stop living in the past. He called me a stalker. I think I'm just protective. AITA?
Top Comment - Verdict: YTA
Phat, my guy. You need to hear this, and you need to hear it loud and clear.
You are not the victim here. You are the red flag.
Let's break this down because you are doing some incredible mental gymnastics to justify behavior that would make any rational person run for the hills.
"We've been inseparable, mostly because I've handcuffed myself to him." — That's not a meet-cute. That's a kidnapping with extra steps. You literally restrained him to force proximity. That's not romance. That's a crime, and as a cop you should know that, but from your response to other commenters (about BREAKING IN TO HIS APARTMENT), I see your desire to be a "good cop" is not going well.
"I've just been quietly observing him all the time from a normal distance without his knowledge." — There is no such thing as "normal distance" when the other person doesn't know you're there. That's the definition of stalking. You know his father's medical history, his schedule, his movements, and you never told him who you really are. That's not protection. That's surveillance.
"I accused him of being the killer because he went somewhere without me." — You didn't have evidence. You had jealousy. You felt entitled to his time, his location, and his secrets, and when he helped YOUR sister, you punished him by trying to brand him a murderer. That is controlling and frankly terrifying.
"I told him to quit living in the past." — This is the cruelest part. You are a man who has been actively living in his past. You knew his connection to your father. You inserted yourself into his life knowing exactly what your family took from him. You never gave him the chance to decide if he wanted to work with you because you withheld the truth. Then, when he rightfully gets upset, you weaponize his family tragedy against him and tell him to get over it? While you're literally accusing him of murder?
You don't have a crush, Phat. You have an obsession, and you just gaslit a trauma survivor into thinking he was the unreasonable one for being upset that his self-appointed handler has been cataloging his every move for months.
But if he were, you'd be his first victim, and honestly? The self-defense plea would write itself.
Go to therapy! Stay away from Kay. And for the love of everything, uncuff yourself.
Verdict: YTA. Also, please seek professional help.
