Thinking about freshman year Riz.
Thinking about how stressed he is. How his only friend is missing, and the only one looking for her is his mom, and no one else seems to care. Thinking about how he stays awake at night, rearranging his conspiracy board, willing new leads to crop up from somewhere. Thinking about how he can't even consider making new friends at school because the only person that sort of chose him is gone and he can't do anything about it.
Thinking about how hurt he is. How the universe seems to conspire to make him one big joke. How his first day of school hes shoved into a trash can and gets a nickname that will stick with him for the rest of his tenure at Aguefort. Thinking about how he makes friends, his first in a very long time, and he can't even tell them that his dad's grave is a few headstones over.
Thinking about his relationship to violence. Thinking about how he doesn't go after any of the people that bullied him until his friends are in danger. Thinking about how he doesn't express his anger until it comes out in an explosion. Thinking about how he doesn't attack Ragh until the blood rush fight. Thinking about how he shoots a defensless Daybreak in the head after he attacks his friends, all so he can't come back and do it again. Thinking about how he rips through the palimpset without even realizing it's hurting him, because he has to get to Penny. Thinking about how he shoots three of Biz's fingers off because how dare he hurt his friends?
Thinking about how confused he is. Thinking about how the cops, who he trusted, betrayed him. Thinking about how his dad was not at all who he thought. Thinking about him watching Bill Seacaster punch his son and wondering if his own father would do the same if he were there. Thinking about how his father was tied to all this, somehow, but the picture is blurry and refuses to come into focus.
Thinking about how angry he is when all of the pieces come together. Thinking about how he kills Kalvaxus, for all the ways he hurt his friends. For all the nights he didn't know his father. For all the times his mother poured milk out of her bowl and into his. Thinking about how he kills Kalvaxus for himself, for all the pain he endured.
Thinking about how the bloodlust won't end. Thinking about how he tries to eat Kalvaxus. Thinking about how he screams at Fabian to take Dayne's eye. Thinking about how the pain still consumes him, how his dad still isn't coming back.
Thinking about how he goes to his father's grave, which he ignored in the presence of those he should trust most, and tells him the whole story.
Thinking about how he's 15 years old.
