I had to leave all but two of the mental health "support groups" I was in. It was a ceaseless, unending stream of negativity. Rarely did I ever see anyone post anything positive or hopeful. Most of the posts were crisis. I understand being in crisis. All too well. I cannot emotionally afford a ringside seat to perpetual crisis. I know this feeds my dysfunction. I'd guess it probably does the same for a lot of people. This isn't just BPD either. Bipolar groups, dermatillomania groups, and binge eating disorder groups...all went by the wayside. We don't have to be Pollyanna Sunshine all the time, personally or as a group, however there comes a point where seeking solutions through conscious action is likely the most helpful thing we can do for ourselves and others. One of the (few) good things I learned from AA was that, if I had something helpful to share, then I should share it, because all too often spaces like those can become feedback loops for pain, as people don't see that they can celebrate victories in those spaces as well. I think many of us feel guilty when we are well, because we know how hard it can be to see people talk about being well, when we are not. What has helped me immensely is to hear stories of emotional ecovery and healing from those closest to me. (You know who you are.) I might not have felt like I'd ever get better, but I believed that you had. That's why I posted this in those groups, several days before, despite my best efforts to say, leaving most of them *nb- please forgive my inconsistencies in verb tense and punctuation. The things I do... Each day: tracking meds, vitamins, water intake. mood tracking, food diary (for my binge eating disorder), habit diary for my derma, menstrual cycle tracking for hormone related mood reasons. Drinking a ton of water. messaging my online therapist at least twice/day trying to get sufficient sleep, even if it is at weird times watching things I find uplifting, or at least interesting chatting with friends on text and fb making an effort to be supportive in my online groups meditating (wildflowers and insight timer apps, meditating is to me, but awesome) playing with my dogs listening to music talking to my husband about my feelings, good and bad. NOT drinking/hitting or cutting myself when upset. Actively learning about not only the reasons behind my dermatillomania, BED, bipolar, and borderline personality disorder, but reading about treatments and positive outcomes as well. I believe in science. It's my brain that lies. fighting the stigma of mental illness being open when I'm struggling so that people can see who I am, and maybe not feel so alone, and can have hope when I feel better. Weekly/bi-weekly: in person therapy with my local therapist who does cbt. Every 4 to 8 weeks: see my psychiatrist for med management and check in. Things I want to do/do better: More art More journaling when not in crisis Start moving, either walking or swimming at the gym Leaving the house more Maybe volunteer? Set better boundaries with my mom. I recently came out of a major depressive episode that was triggered by losing my baby, and that lasted the better part of the last 10 months. It was hard to do many of these things i listed above for a very long time. Recognizing just how bad it was led me to writing down my symptoms for my regular psychiatrist appointment. He changed my meds, and I felt better almost immediately. During this time, I learned to give myself a lot of slack. I learned to celebrate victories, like showering, that the world wouldn't see that way, but I did. I found people who would celebrate with me. When I could feel nothing but anger, no sadness or joy, I put that anger toward social justice causes I believe in. It was easier to deconstruct institutionalized racism and misogyny, ableism and white privilege than it was to turn all that anger inward. I put all of this here for a reason. I'm 41. I have failed a lot, at a lot of things. I've given up trying new things. I've hurt people and have been hurt. I've lied and cheated, and been cheated on and lied to. I've suffered trauma and betrayal. I've picked since I was 6. I've binged since I was 6. I've suffered the emotional disregulation and mood swings of bipolar disorder and borderline personality disorder for most of my life. There is one constant though. I'm still here. I refuse to let my biological and childhood lottery determine my right to stay on this planet. I refuse to stop trying, despite everything, for a life I'm proud of. I refuse to let one bad day or hour or week or month or series of months determine my worth as a person anymore. The same goes for bad decisions, misplaced trust, and maladaptive coping mechanisms. I go through days where I'm angry that it takes so much effort to be me, and reasonably healthy. But then I realize that it's an achievement, and who can claim achievement every day they're alive? I can. We can. You're still here too. Please don't give up. Please. You never know who you can help, just by refusing to let your pain win. We really can get better.
prguitarman
jacobvanloon
discoholicmusic
kianamaiart
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