I read the latest chapter of Kagurabachi, expecting to just nod at the recent developments, wince as the bad memories flooded in and curse myself for having ‘wasted’ a year for nothing as I go back to the drawing board. But then I read the last few pages.
And then i remembered a feeling of…. excitement? Looking forward to the next chapter? Actual drawing ideas and theories?
I can’t hide it anymore, but I really truly hated the feeling of being “the fandom artist” and I wouldn’t recommend it for anyone in a life time, it is soul rotting, strips you of your own agency and will, makes you suddenly responsible for the feelings of a thousand different voices clamouring for ideologically opposite values. You become the target of every single grievance. People want to take you down simply because “you’re a big artist and you have power”, so even the smallest disagreements are blown out of proportion and the worst faith arguments are propped up to justify a bloodthirst for drama and “exposing” the other party.
I didn’t start reading and drawing fanart Kagurabachi for any of that, not even any potential clout. I started drawing because I loved the story and the characters!!
Being excited for the possible story beats reminded me of how much I missed the simple joy of just drawing the scenarios you wanted to see. Some of my best work was during the time I didn’t have any expectations saddled on my back, when it was just purely my own self expression. Yeah they’re rough now but I had the most fun around this time.
And I always wondered where I went wrong, when did it stop being fun and more like an expectation that I always had to adhere to, that if I step out of the line even once I will be thrown to the wolves and laughed at forever. I think it was when people started considering me "the Kagurabachi artist".
Suddenly it felt like I was a problem to everyone. I remember some chihihaku fans giving me shit for not drawing hakuchihi, making me feel like I was 'betraying' the fujoshis. 'Antis' try to call you the worst things under the sun for absolutely insane reasons and you have to pretend like the reasons make sense, lest you ruin the image of the "perfect peaceful fandom". 'Proshippers' treat you like a traitor, a coward for having an aversion for the most morally extreme content, or hate you for being the normie and either make revenge porn or threaten to 'leak' your personal chats to JP fandom to show that "you guys hate the abusive incestuous pairing and that is bad." Shonenbros call anything that isn't heterosexual "immoral pornography". And in the end you're made to feel like you're everything that's wrong with the fandom.
And I just realised now that I don't have to give a single shit about any of that!
I can stop pretending like any of the insane logic makes sense! I can stop pretending to care about people infighting with each other, or who's the new e-celeb of the week, or who the new goon goddess of the fandom is!
I can stop worrying about being a 'liability' to the fandom image! My reputation is tarnished/non-existent anyway now, what the hell is another baseless accusation? What is another burner screaming "Katsutacle exposed for drawing fat fetish art", what is Avizie seething over some literal nobody on the internet because she said she didn't want to see leaks on twitter? You can put your leaks on twitter now, I don't care! I am not there to see it. It's not my problem!
I can just draw whatever the hell I want! Alt fashion fem!Hiruhiko, swimsuit Hiyuki, Hakuhiro date night, Char cat cafe, ero-guro and body horror, all the porn I'd ever want to draw, and even angsty AUs! Like I always was doing! People can gossip I have a secret taboo alt all they want, I don't have any and I don't care! I have nothing to hide!
The people who actually matter, who are actually paying and see my art as more than just endless consumable content are already here anyway!
That was my realisation I think. That also means I can finally stop putting off that damn hkhr doujin.
vaporwave
titsay
izzy806
areudirty
janainaart
annaxmalina
