Treading Water

She/her. Bi 🌈 Disabled by POTS, ME/CFS, and chronic pain. Here for the highs, the lows, and the in betweens. Site: chronicallytreadingwater.wordpress.com

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My friend: I just signed up to run a marathon!

Me: cool, cool. I'm bed bound but feel like I ran one yesterday. And today. And probably will tomorrow.

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I spent yesterday watching many things bed bound to make me feel better about this country as politicians burn it down, but my favorite was watching I Know What You Did Last Summer - the classic 90s 4th of July horror movie

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Me: I only have minimal pt to do so hopefully I won't severely flare, and no more appointments this week! That should be relaxing!

My partner:

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My spine md: your blood pressure's been getting lower this month. Are you noticing symptoms? Are you dizzy?

Me: uhhhhhhhhh I have POTS. I always get dizzy.

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Drag Race keeps me going in these bedridden times. And on that note, Team Onya Nurve!

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Healthy person's body after leaving the house:

My body after going to the MD 2 days in a row:

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There are some days that I feel like giving up completely. Just not working on my health, not making appointments, not trying to decide what to try, not worrying about my disability applications. Just laying in this bed ridden life. But just existing is surviving. And I try to remember - I can stand it if I can stand it for 10 seconds. And the next 10 after that. And the next 10 after that. Then I'll tread water and survive.

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The death of Michelle Trachtenberg is still hitting me in ways I don't know how to explain. There is of course that she was so young, and that I grew up watching her, and she is my age.

But there is something about illness that adds another layer to that. Missing parts of myself or life. Feeling like I can't cope with that hurt by living things to the fullest.

Feeling like I have all these big feelings about death trapped in a bed is scary. It's heartbreaking. It's selfish. It's confusing. It's sad. It's tragic. It's everything.

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New post on the blog:

Can You Amicably Divorce a Caregiver?

Wedding Day My ex-husband was also my caregiver. For the longest time, we said we were having the most amicable divorce in history. We’re st

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New post on the blog:

When You’re Having a Severe Adrenaline Surge and Your MD suggests Magnesium

At first you want to punch that MD in the face. Last Ketamine I don’t think I’ve ever been as overwhelmed in my life as I am this February.

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Michelle - Treading Water's review of Sea of Tranquility

3/5: In reality this is probably a 2.5 for me and the most let down I've ever felt by Emily St. John Mandel by far. I like that this book'

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ANYA: No, you see, usually when there's an apocalypse, I skedaddle. But now I love you so much that instead I have inappropriately timed sex and try to think of ways to fight a god ... and worry terribly that something might happen to you. And also worry that something'll happen to me. And then I have guilt that I'm not more worried about everyone else, but I just don't have enough! I'm just on total overload, and I honestly don't think that I could be more nervous than I am right now.

- Buffy the Vampire Slayer, The Gift

And how I just generally feel most days right now. I don't think I've ever been so overwhelmed in my life.

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My general feelings on 2025 so far:

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"I don't have that anymore. I don't understand. I don't know how to live in this world, if these are the choices... if everything just gets stripped away. I don't see the point." - Buffy

And me, still bed bound, losing my PT over the long weekend, unsure who to see, unsure what meds to try. Sometimes it just feels so hopeless. I lose sight of my hope.

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One of the fun things about chronic illness is you never know when some random comorbidity might pop up as a new diagnosis like, surprise! Have some more symptoms!

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New post on the blog. Treading water is surviving.

Chronically Treading Water

I think about the concept of dying often. Everyone with chronic pain does. Don’t worry – I am not suicidal. But the sheer exhaustion of livi

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It's ok if you're sad, crying, or angry about your chronic illness today. Radical acceptance doesn't mean we need to present positivity to the world everyday. It means accepting the full range of emotions that can accompany us and coping, then moving forward again when we can. You're doing great.