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My relationship with compliments

I was having a conversation with a good friend of mine today and we were talking about compliments. Everyone has their own relationship with compliments including which ones they like, which ones make them uncomfortable, and which ones are hard to accept so they don’t know how to react or respond. Though most compliments come from a place of kindness and love, at least the ones coming from friends and family, even some of those can leave a person feeling … unmoored.

My friend is an amazing woman who I love dearly, and she is definitely someone who is great at boosting the confidence of the people she loves. She’s a truly amazing friend who tells me I’m beautiful and kind and intelligent and funny. I wouldn’t change her for the world.

The thing about me is that I, like everyone else, have insecurities. I’m a 21-year-old 5′5 very overweight woman. While I think I’m pretty I have deeply sowed insecurities about my body. I find it incredibly difficult to accept compliments about my appearance so much so that I absolutely abhor getting my photo taken, especially a photo of my whole body. Now, I’ll take a photo of myself because I can find angles that I deem acceptable but I don’t let others take my photo unless it’s my mom and that’s because she doesn’t take no for an answer.

This insecurity has been something I’ve held on to since I was about 11 years old and my grandma told me I had big arms and shoulders “like a linebacker.” I was never the same level of secure or confident in my body after that. At that age I was also entering middle school and starting to consume mass media that told me that women have to look this specific way to be beautiful, which my mom who is also overweight agreed with and would shame women who were larger or even thin women she would say, “wow she looks fat in that dress.” I’ve never had a flat stomach, I’ve been overweight since I was 8 years old. On top of that, even the plus size women in media don’t have the same body shape or type that I do, so I’ve never had a woman who’s body looked like mine to look up to and think, “if the world thinks she’s beautiful then I can be too.”

Few people in my life have told me I’m beautiful outside of family and female friends. Even fewer people have called me hot. Very very few people have called me sexy. So adding that together with my own self perception of what I look like and the idea of what society deems sexy and beautiful means that accepting compliments about my body and my physical characteristics is nearly impossible for me because I just don’t agree with them. Honestly, they can make me even more insecure because even though I know my friends aren’t lying to me, I feel like they are.

Learning to love yourself is extremely hard to do, and loving every part of yourself is a constant daily struggle that I don’t know if I will ever overcome. For me I have certain parts of myself that I do love. I love my open mind, I love that I can be a funny person, I love how intelligent I am, I love my kindness, I love my determination, I love my eyes, and I love my compassion. That’s why it’s easy for me to accept compliments about these things. I enjoy them and accept because I agree with them.

I don’t love my body. I hate my body. I hate that society has made me feel this way. I hate that art that depicts women is almost always centered around thin women. I almost had a breakdown in a museum because 80% of the pieces there were of women and there wasn’t even one piece that had an overweight woman in it. This to me says that fat women aren’t beautiful. Even though I know it’s not true, and even though I find overweight women to be beautiful. I hate that when I’m having sex with someone I can’t stand the idea of what I look like from the outside. I hate that I am constantly overthinking everything about how I am perceived to the outside world. I hate that I feel guilty when I go to a convenience store to buy a pack of skittles and sometimes I even pretend I’m on the phone so I can pretend I’m buying them for the “person I’m talking to.“

When I post a selfie on insta or when I post a picture of an outfit I’m wearing or a mirror shot of me at the gym, I know that the purpose of me posting that is to get compliments on my physical appearance. No one is going to compliment how smart or compassionate or driven I am when I post a picture of a new makeup look. When I put makeup on and put an effort into how I dress, I’m prepared for compliments. In these situations I not only accept compliments about my physical appearance, but I welcome them. I’ve done this work for the express purpose of feeling confident about myself and hoping that someone sees that confidence in me and compliments it. The majority of the time I don’t want that attention and I don’t want those compliments because I don’t agree with them and I can’t accept them so I don’t want them.

The thing about self love and acceptance is that no matter how many compliments someone gives you, that won’t change how you see yourself. People can try to boost your confidence, but it’s not something that can be built by anyone but yourself. You can’t have confidence forced on you, you have to accept it for yourself. Self acceptance means that even when no one else accepts you, you still accept you. It doesn’t mean that you only accept yourself when other people see value in you. Self love isn’t conditional. Self love is constant, unbreakable and steadfast. No one can give that to you.

Being reminded of how beautiful you are or how smart or funny or kind you are is important, and that’s what friends do. It’s important in a friendship to do that for each other, but we also have to know that no matter how much we try to build someone up, it’s not within our power to change their mind about themselves. We just love them, and hope they learn to love themselves.

bloomflowersbloom

I cant wait to be the healthiest version of myself

warm-suggestions

You’re allowed to eat. You’re allowed to be lazy. You’re allowed to take breaks. You’re allowed to say no. You’re allowed to take care of yourself. You’re allowed to live for yourself.

lumpbiscuit-deactivated20130327

my parents aren’t teaching me life lessons.

#i need some adults to TEACH ME SHIT ABOUT LIFE

flutterjedi-deactivated20140413

I’m an adult.

thatsnicebutimmarried

Some shit about life, from a bonafide adult:

even if you get along great with your family you will get along even better with them after moving out

generic is almost always just as good as name brand. But there are some things you never buy generic, including: peanut butter, ketchup, liquid NyQuil, Chips-Ahoy chewy chocolate chip cookies

just imagine the person on the other end of the phone hates talking on the phone as much as you do. Even a receptionist. I worked as one and I hate talking on the phone

at least once in your life you will go to Wal-mart to buy something under $20 like an ironing board or something and your debit card will get rejected. No one will judge. Everyone at some point in their lives has had $2.98 in their bank account.

thrift stores

everyone else is too busy panicking about everyone else noticing every tiny thing that could possibly be wrong about them to notice any tiny thing that could possibly be wrong about you

you will screw up. a lot. you live and you learn. and when you start to think too hard about that embarrassing thing that happened and how you wish you could change it, just tell yourself that what’s done is done. There’s no changing it, so just forget it and move on. It’s the only way to stay sane.

do the dishes before the sink grows its own ecosystem

you can’t put Dawn dishsoap in the dishwasher.

if you are the only one in the aisle at the grocery store, and you need to get from one end to the other without even looking at anything in that aisle, then you should totally cart-surf down the aisle. Growing old is mandatory. Growing up is optional. Hold on to the little things. They make all the difference.

never try to make cake from scratch at 3am. You end up with a topographical map of Middle Earth.

15% tip.

the best way to get money for food is to tell your grandparents about how you basically live on microwaved mac and cheese. Their horror may result in twenty bucks and orders to go out and get yourself “a real dinner”.

sometimes life sucks, and knowing that it might get better doesn’t always make it suck any less, but you’ll never get to the non-sucky days without enduring the suckiness.

no seriously, NEVER put Dawn in your dishwasher

250darkstars

Do not buy generic brand spaghetti sauce either.

Always check the type of light bulb that goes in lamps. A 60w is not interchangeable with a 40w.

Dollar store batteries work just as well as store brand.

shrineart

Reward yourself from time to time when you do things that you needed to get done. It’s a good way to remind yourself to do them. Going out to pay a bill? Get Starbucks or something you don’t get often. Rewards don’t have to be huge, they can be small things like that.

Rice, pasta, flour, sugar, cheese, eggs, milk, a pack of chicken, a pack of frozen veggies and a well stocked spice cabinet go a long way food-wise. Splurge and get the biggest container of rice you can. You don’t have to go back and buy it again anytime soon and it makes a TON of meals in the meantime.

Rice can be cooked on the stove. You don’t need a fancy rice cooker. Two parts water to every one part rice (two cups water for one cup of rice for example). Get your water boiling, add rice, put a plate or lid on it, put it on low for 20 minutes. It should be done.

Keep a calendar on your pc of bill due dates. If your bills are set up at inconvenient times, like all of the services started on the first or something, then call up the company and find out if you can get your billing date switched to something more manageable. A lot of places do try to work with you.

There is no shame in calling a company and asking for an extension on a bill. Let them know what you can pay, pay that amount, and they arrange when the rest of the payment is required. This can stop you from having services shut off man. It shows responsibility on your part.

Take time to eat, even when you don’t feel like eating. Your body needs energy to live.

Wash or rinse your dishes before putting them in the dishwasher. It prevents gross caked on junk.

“The Works” is an excellent cheap toilet cleaner.

MAGIC. FUCKING. ERASERS. THEY WORK ON EVERYTHING JUST DON’T SCRUB HARD. I took the ring out of our bathtub with one. Also generic ones work just as well.

Keep some bleach around but if you use it for cleaning? Dillute it. There’s rarely ever a case where you need to pout straight bleach on anything. A cap full or two in a bucket of water works just fine.

DO NOT MIX CLEANERS. Chemical reactions are can be very dangerous. Here’s a good list. (Note that vinegar and baking soda can actually be a good combo for removing smells from things but it’s not very good at actually -cleaning-.)

If you drink? Don’t take meds at the same time it’s just not good.

Make sure you check the dosages on your pill bottles. No one wants to accidentally overdose on cough syrup or ibuprofen.

If you have a uterus make sure you have a heating pad and ibuprofen on hand for the pain. Hot baths also generally help and Ginger Tea is excellent for any nausea.

Buy a first aid kit. It’s worth it in the long run.

You can often do your taxes online at places like TurboTax.

Here’s some good sex ed resources because I had to explain what a yeast infection was recently.

Petroleum jelly (aka Vaseline) is good for chapped lips and you can get a decent sized tube or tub of it (generic brand version) for cheaper/same price as Chapstick.

KEEP TRIPLE ANTIBIOTIC OINTMENT IN YOUR HOUSE FOR CUTS AND SCRAPES AND SORES.

~~Medications~~

Over the counter medications (stuff you can buy right off the shelf no prescription needed) have a name brand and a generic name. ALWAYS buy generic if it’s available it is literally the same thing and way cheaper usually.

Some names to remember when you’re looking for meds!

Acetaminophen = Tylenol

Used to treat pain and reduce fever. Do not take with Ibuprofen.

Ibuprofen = Advil, Midol, Motrin

Used for pain and fever, is an anti-inflammtory. Is good for period cramps because it is an NSAID (non-steroidal anti-inflammatory drug).

Naproxen = Aleve, Naprosyn

Treats fever, pain, arthritis pain, gout, period cramps, tendinitis, headache, backache, and toothache. Is also an NSAID.

Acetaminophen + Asprin + Caffeine = Excedrin

Usually marketed as “Migraine Relief” as a generic.

Asprin = Bayer

Use for pain, fever, arthritis, and inflammation. Makes you bleed easily so should not be used for periods. Might reduce risk of heart attacks.\

Triple Antibiotic Ointment = Neosporin

Used on cuts, sores, and scrapes to reduce risk of infection and promote healing.

Also a general mutli-vitamin isn’t a bad idea and if you don’t get a lot of fruits or milk/sunshine in your diet you might want to get vitamins C and D specifically for daily use.

kiokushitakaa

if you do accidentally lapse and put dawn in your dishwasher, run it empty and put hair conditioner where the detergent goes. that’ll clean it out (tip given to me by dorm custodian when roommate did the thing).

if you live off ramen, add stuff to it! add veggies you like, don’t use the whole flavor packet to cut down on sodium and msg or don’t use it at all and add your own spices.

if you’re making something with potatoes in it (beans, stew) potatoes are done when you can easily stab a fork through them.

you can microwave a hotdog as long as you put it in a microwave safe container of water. microwaves work by making water molecules vibrate. also, when reheating rice leftovers, add a small amount of water, like maybe a spoonfull, so it doesn’t get hard and crunchy.

the rice cooking advice above is for long grain rice. if you’re making short or medium grain rice, a 1:1 ratio (one cup water for one cup rice) is better, so the rice doesn’t come out too mushy.

buy a few cans of chicken. wholesale club stores like sam’s, costco, or bj’s tend to carry multipacks for a good price. they’re incredibly useful for when you forget to defrost meat.

buy meat on sale and put it in the freezer. buy vegetables on sale, and put them in the freezer. frozen veggies are often as flavorful and good as fresh ones, keep longer, and often come in microwaveable bags or with microwave directions.

soak ink stains in milk to help get them out or at least lighten them.

soak blood stains in water as soon as possible, with a bit of detergent or stain remover. scrub at them. use cold water, heat binds proteins to fabric. tbh, there’s no real need to change the washer from cold-cold setting unless the thing you’re washing says to wash in warm water.

acetone, found in most nail polish removers, dissolves super glue.

cloningmycat

YOU’RE ALL DOING GOD’S WORK BLESS YOU

lifelovebooksnshit

Takes pictures, have prints made and put them in photo albums. Be IN the pictures, have someone take pictures of you and your friends. Get over not looking perfect in thw picture. Someday that friend might be gone and those pictures might be all you’ll have, you will want to be in them. I made that mistake with my best friend, i always felt weird asking for a picture together… he died of cancer January of 2014 and now i have no pictures of us together. Its my only regret in life.

boasamishipper

This is really helpful, thank you all!

batsandhatsinunderland-deactiva

I’m the newest of new adults but I’m gonna throw these little tips in there. IF YOU HAVE AN OLD CAR:

-coolant or water if your car overheats (coolant is preferable cause it won’t hurt the engine in the long run but hey i know money is tight)

-flashlight in case you break down at night and need to check under the hood and your phone is dead

-SPARE TIRE.

-jumper cables.you will at some point leave your lights on. you just will.

AAA or any other road side service is never a bad investment i swear. (try to mooch it off your parents as long as you can though)

shipperqueen93

Know how to change a tire. You’re going to need to do it at some point in time and you can’t always rely on someone else to do it for you.

Don’t be afraid to go to your local food bank. They are there for a reason.

Don’t be ashamed to ask for help period. Life is hard, everyone needs help occasionally.

woodelf68

You can put a LOWER wattage bulb in a lamp that says it’s for a higher one, but don’t put a HIGHER wattage bulb in. Also, watts refer to the amount of electricity used. LUMENS refers to the amount of light put out, and can vary quite a bit between brands, even though the wattage is the same. Look for the one with the highest lumens unless you actually want a slightly dimmer bulb in a certain location. Those dollar store batteries? Fine if they’re alkaline. “Heavy-duty” batteries, however, won’t last nearly as long. You can microwave a hot dog and bun simply by wrapping them in a toweling for a minute, less if you don’t want them scalding hot.

blue-pixiedust

Reblogging to save lives.

faranae-moved

Two adulting (kitchen-related) tips from me!

1. Buy a roll of parchment paper from the cooking shit aisle. A big roll will last you for-fucking-ever. Pretty much any time you’re using a baking pan you can line it with that stuff and save yourself A: food sticking to the pan and B: it’s a quick rinse and it’s clean.

2. Bread can get fucking expensive, so make your own. A bigass bag of flour and a bag of active dry yeast (store it in the friiiiidge!!!) works out a FUCK of a lot cheaper than buying bread at the store, and you can do so much more with it. Bread, pizza, rolls, cinnibuns, homemade pizza pockets. It seems intimidating but it’s stupid easy.

Seriously. It’s stupid simple to make, and most of the “3 hours” to make it is sitting around surfing the internet or doing whatever the fuck you want while the dough rises. If you have an afternoon free once a week to sit and play video games or surf the net, you have the time to make your own bread on the cheap. Here’s my simple-as-fuck recipe:

2 ¼ teaspoons active dry yeast (You can buy a bag of this stuff CHEAP in bulk stores, the little packets are hella stupid priced) 1 cup warm water (think a hot bath) 1 ½ teaspoons sugar 2 tablespoons oil (any kind works for the most part) 2 ¼ cups flour 1 teaspoon salt

1. Stir the yeast, water, sugar, and oil up in a bowl. Let it sit for about 10 minutes. It will foam up VERY high, this is the yeast getting happy! If it doesn’t get all foamy, the water may have been too hot or not hot enough. Remember, Yeast is alive! Treat it like a nice girlfriend!

2. Mix your flour, salt, and the yeast concoction up in a bowl.

3. Knead that shit for about 5 minutes. It will start sticky as heck, but will come together into a nice dough. If it’s still super sticky, toss in a bit more flour. Here’s how to knead it:

4. Put your dough in a covered, lightly oiled bowl and leave it someplace warmish for an hour. At that point it will have roughly doubled in size, give it a gentle punch to release the gasses that have built up inside. Cover it again and let it sit for a bit longer.

Boom. You have bread dough. Here are some baking times and uses for ya:

Optional egg-wash: Just crack an egg into a bowl, add a pinch of salt, and mix the bejeebus out of it with a fork. Brush (or if you’re like me, goop it on with said fork) that shit thinly on bread before baking for a nice crust.

Pizza: Stretch it on a pan, stab the fucker all over with a fork, add toppings, bake 425*F 15-20 minutes.

Bread Sticks: Make snake-shapes, let rest on pan 10-ish minutes, bake 400*F 10-20 minutes.

Dinner rolls: Make ball-sized (yes those balls) balls. Place on greased pan, let rest 10-20 minutes to rise. Egg-wash and bake 375*F 25 minutes.

Bread: Lightly score (cut) the top, let sit for 20-ish minutes on/in whatever you’re using to bake it, egg-wash, bake at 375*F for 20-ish minutes. It’s done when it sounds hollow if you knock on the bottom.

You bet your ass you can deep-fry this shit for cheapie yeast doughnuts. Roll that shit in sugar or dip it in whatever, it’s fucking tasty.

Bagels: YES. YOU. CAN. Form bagel-shapes out of the dough and boil them in salty water for about 2 minutes. Egg-wash them and bake them at 400*F for 10 minutes.

Cinnamon Rolls: Roll that shit out into a rectangle. Brush it with a mix of butter, cinnamon, sugar, and a pinch of salt (no exact amounts here, do it to your taste). Roll it up into a log, and cut it into discs. Let them sit 20 minutes in a pan and then bake at 375*F 15-17 minutes.

You can add whatever you want to the dough for some variety, just if it’s dried spices remember you really only need 1-ish tablespoons. I personally like making bread with about 1 tablespoon of dill in the dough. Roll it out flat, sprinkle it with cheddar, roll it into a log, squeeze the ends shut, and bake it like a regular loaf of bread. Cheesy dill bread OMNOMNOM.

*ahem* That got a bit long. But yeah. Bread’s expensive, yo. Save your wallet.

(Also it’s ridiculous amounts of therapeutic to bake, for me anyway)

tempestcaliban

Being able to bake your own bread is pretty awesome, if you got the time for it.

sherlocks-study

Reblogging in case of independence

tabihe

Going to throw out a few tips of mine own, if no one minds.

For those in the USA:

You can get health insurance for $0 a month through Blue Cross, but the deductible will be utterly insane. It can be in the thousands. Don’t use it much? That’s cool, but remember, if you get sick, the health insurance company is going to stick your deductible somewhere. I’ve seen deductibles raise the price of medicine to the thousands. You never really know when it’s going to jump out and bite you.

Sometimes it doesn’t hurt to have a premium.

Also, the flu has been going around again. Some companies won’t pay for Tamiflu or the generic if you’ve had the flu twice in a certain time period. Asking doesn’t hurt.

Sliding scale clinics can help you save a lot of money. If they have mental health services as well, find out if those are free. Physically and mentally take care of yourself. You are important.

In general:

You shouldn’t skimp on essential oils. Random, I know, but you want them to be good quality. Peppermint oil helps to keep away rodents, insects, spiders. It can also be paired with lavender to help with migraines. Lavender oil can be calming and can help you rest. Tee tree is a natural disinfectant, as well as an antibiotic. It can help cuts heal as well as keep infection from setting in. You can clean with it/get rid of lice. Always get a carrier oil if you want to use an essential oil on your skin. Unless it’s lavender or a little bit of tea tree, you’re going to want to dilute it with something like almond oil or coconut oil. If you have pets, be careful about what you buy and where you use the oils. Try drinking water with some fresh lemon squeezed in it in the morning. It naturally helps detoxify your body, provides electrolytes, and can help with overly acidic stomaches with an alkalizing affect. (Be careful with your teeth though, because it can eat at the enamel.) Most importantly, if you need help, ask. A lot of people think that adults are supposed to be independent, but no one becomes an adult knowing everything. Realize that everyone has limits, but ask for help, and you can get through it. You’re not alone.

tabihe

I totally forgot to add a really important tip. If a medicine you need is expensive, even if you have insurance, see if you can find a coupon. Seriously, coupons for medicines can make things a whole lot more affordable. All you need to do is go to the manufacture’s site and see if they have one.

theraeandgo

good morning, you’re important and valid and loved.

theraeandgo

good afternoon, you are appreciated, needed and your spot cannot be filled by another.

theraeandgo

good evening, you have, are and will always be worth it. i am so proud of you. tomorrow will be here soon and we can start again. sleep tight, starshine.

juansendizon

diamond

#the aesthetic i need in spain

foreverfitness-

Take it one day at a time ✔️

The ugliest part about me is my envy

warm-human

My goal in life is to be one of those people who are just light. You see them and you suddenly feel so warm inside and all you want to do is hug them. And they look at you and smile with the warmest light in their eyes…. and you love them. maybe not in a romantic way but you just want to be close to them and you hope some of their light transfers onto you.

ifthenightcouldtalk

Kissing has never been about the physical to me, it’s always been about the emotional. The connection made between two people as they lose their thoughts in the midst of passion, remembering only their primal desire for this person; it’s just so beautiful. In those moments when two people blend their lips together, they are vulnerable and they are free. For maybe mere seconds the rest of the world doesn’t exist to these two people. Kissing is so much more than just a physical act; it’s heat and passion, love and lust, chaos and security. It’s magic in its most innocent form.

(via ifthenightcouldtalk)

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