I just got it from the toast bank, it's real

almost indistinguishable from authentic toast

[innocenttmaan]

Shengsi, an archipelago of almost 400 islands at the mouth of China’s Yangtze river, holds a secret shrouded in time – an abandoned fishing village being reclaimed by nature. These photos by Tang Yuhong, a creative photographer based in Nanning, take us into this lost village on the beautiful archipelago.

[kingfucko]

this is super aesthetic but it’s also fucking kudzu so it laffs me bc that place could’ve been abandoned all of two weeks ago before “nature reclaimed it” that shit grows so fast you can almost see it move

[counterfeit-toast]

I’ve seen places in southern Louisiana that look like that and are still inhabited.

[thisismyideaofhumor]

I once read a fanfiction about man-eating selkies and it described the selkie as “not having malice in its eyes” which is perfect because A) it means the thing trying to chew your leg off looks like this:

and B) it makes one inclined to wonder what a malicious seal would possibly look like

[pitbolshevik]

here's a malicious seal

[counterfeit-toast]

Look up leopard seals. There’s that National Geographic photo of one that somebody once described as “uncorking a penguin.”

https://roaring.earth/feed-photographer/ second one here. (Warning: gore, and it’s exactly as described.)

[kingfucko]

i’ve legit trained myself to wish for real mundane things that are just annoying. i wish stubbed toes and long waits in queues upon people. i wish for them to suffer plumbing problems in their domiciles and to never again meet a friendly dog the rest of their lives. i try so hard not to wish violence on people anymore!!! i just got so absolutely fuckin boondoggled by that woman’s audacity to preach christianity at me while grinning in my face !!! like i’m not even a christian anymore but my childhood in a (gay-friendly! lesbian bishop! emphasis on the concept of love and charity! when we did free suppers we were not allowed to proselytize bc the action was the preaching, a concept alien to most evangelically-raised people i’ve sprung it on! etc!) christian church was important to me to the point where i daydreamed as a young teen about an alternate universe in which i was a dude and went to seminary (i never wanted to be a girl and go to seminary even though that was absolutely allowed, as demonstrated by the lesbian bishop. why did i not discover that “trans man” was an identity for so fucking long.) so that kind of christ-abusing bullshit is incendiary to me, it is blasphemy tbh

[counterfeit-toast]

As an atheist who covered church services for years (because I was willing to work weekends, I didn’t have anything else to do), I can agree. Most people who call themselves Christians are ... not what He intended.

For example, I don’t have a Bible handy, but I’m pretty sure Jesus said “don’t proselytize“ and “worship alone” at some point. (Edit:  I do have a Bible to hand, because the internet: http://unbound.biola.edu/  But I don’t remember the chapter and verse of the things mentioned so I’d have to flip through a physical copy.)

[valtsv]

fuck "hostile architecture" except for nuclear waste warning architecture that shit slaps

[valtsv]

this wouldn't stop me from exploring the ruins and getting lethally irradiated by decaying ancient nuclear waste but you have to admit it fucks

[lakidaa]

This place is a message... and part of a system of messages... pay attention to it!

Sending this message was important to us. We considered ourselves to be a powerful culture.

This place is not a place of honor... no highly esteemed deed is commemorated here... nothing valued is here.

What is here was dangerous and repulsive to us. This message is a warning about danger.

The danger is in a particular location... it increases towards a center... the center of danger is here... of a particular size and shape, and below us.

The danger is still present, in your time, as it was in ours.

The danger is to the body, and it can kill.

The form of the danger is an emanation of energy.

The danger is unleashed only if you substantially disturb this place physically. This place is best shunned and left uninhabited.

[counterfeit-toast]

Yeah, ancient Egyptian tombs were cursed and we raided them anyway. The more you try to keep people out, the more they try to get in.

[counterfeit-toast]

"The sky over the port was the color of television, tuned to a dead channel." -- William Gibson, the opening line of Neuromancer.  

My sky looks more like a broken record.

96 1-minute exposures of the sky from ~7pm to ~9pm  stitched together, facing NNW. There's a tree in the way directly north of the camera (you can kinda see the leaves, if your monitor is set too bright).

[counterfeit-toast]

it’s 2011 again and do surveys and just have fun online again??

Name: Justin

Gender: cis boy

Star sign: Aries

Height: 5′7"

Sexuality: I’m not picky, anybody I think is cute.

Favorite book:

Current time: It says on the whatsit.

Average amount of sleep: not enough.

Dogs or cats: Birbs

# of blankets:one blanket no top sheet

Dream job: Photojournalist, and yeah that was fun while it lasted.

Blog established: I don’t remember, and this is the second or third iteration. I was on LiveJournal and Myspace back in the day, and my original Facebook was ... five iterations ago, back when you had to have a .edu email

Favorite animal: Species or one in particular? Either way, Sue, the T. Rex

# of followers: fuck if I know. Again, that’d be easier for you to look up than me.

Reason for url:  My ex-partner/current BFF got me into all the social media, and their name was “authentic-toast” at the time.

Something I’m grateful for: Fast cars.

Favorite color: Well, there’s the Monty Python joke, but for reals ... The color of a TV tuned to a dead channel. Or a sky photographed with a polarizing filter.

Last song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ghYrYXvy2wY

Last movie: :[ what is this "motions picture” of which you speak?

Last show completed: The Queens’ Gambit, the chess show.

Currently Reading: I have live 40 Wikipedia tabs open on two devices, no new books are sending me.

Currently watching: YOUTUBS DOT EOCOM and also Twitch and RT.

Sweet, spicy, or savory: I wouldn’t do the one-chip-challenge, but I put way more hot sauce than most people are comfortable with on my food.

Craving: Pass.

Coffee or tea: Dr Pepper

Named after someone: My middle name is my maternal grandfather’s first name, he died the day after my tenth birthday after teaching me ... a lot.

Last time you cried: Watching the Biden/Harris speech. 

Any kids: I prefer to be the cool uncle rather than subject anybody to that.

Do you use sarcasm a lot?: Never.

What’s the first thing you notice about ppl: No shit, even back in The Before Times, eyes.

Then boobs.

Eye color: Brown like an adorable puppy.

Scary movie or happy ending: I would posit that Jaws was both and I love it.

Any special talent: half-assedly cobbling shit together but not describing the job with slurs. What I build might not be good, but it’s good enough.

What country were you born in: US, in the second year of Reagan’s reign.

What are your hobbies:  half-assedly cobbling shit together

Any pets: currently, the stupidest dog ever, I miss my cats and birbs.

Favorite subject in school: SCIENCE (he says, as the microwave melts into a puddle.)

[peachcookie]

hot new tumblr discourse

put in the tags your opinions on wearing shoes in the house and why

[adhd-hippie]

I’m not putting shit in the tags, I don’t know if screen readers read the tags, I’m putting my opinions FRONT AND CENTER!

Unless your floor is made of thresh or clay, or compacted dirt or like constantly strewn with small toys, then shoes inside aren’t really necessary and will cause your home to become dirtier faster.

If you must have your feet covered get some slippers.

That being said I can’t prove this but isn’t there like a medical advantage to occasionally being completely barefoot? Where better than in your home.

[und0vely-deactivated20231108]

Unless you have house shoes.

[kingfucko]

my personal take on this discourse is that whether or not to wear shoes in the house is highly variable by culture, society, region, and social class, and if you are judging people you don’t even know based on whether they wear shoes in a house you’re not in, shut the fuck up

[kingfucko]

seriously this conversation has been all over the internet lately fsr and it’s just ALWAYS FULL of people declaring other people to be “filthy” and just ripping into them for being wrong. it’s not your house it’s not your shoes you’re not even IN that house they’re strangers to you shut UP

[hamtigers]

YES ACTUALLY THERE IS A MEDICAL ADVANTAGE TO BEING BAREFOOT IT’S CALLED THE FACT THAT ATHELETE’S FOOT THRIVES IN DARK AND MOIST PLACES. LIKE IN UR SHOES. there’s prolly other reasons it’s good for you too but -shrug- that’s the main one I know. but yeah I’m w/ fucko it’d dumb to judge other people over something that has 0 effect on your life.

[kingfucko]

i think there’s evidence that it’s good for the muscles and tendons in your feet because you use your feet differently barefoot vs shod; this is especially noticeable and important if you routinely wear shoes that have high heels, but the actual action of walking changes drastically when you’re moving the individual bits of your feet more vs moving the shoe you are wearing no matter whether it’s a louboutin or a converse, you ken?

[counterfeit-toast]

I don’t undo my paratrooper boots until bedtime because my carpet is full of tiny screws that I’ve misplaced.

[owlcharacters]

ftr jens’ “fuck-me boots” are just regular riding boots of the type one usually wears flipped down over the knee to make cuffs, only he doesn’t flip his down so they’re thigh-highs v(._.)v they flap when they’re flipped down and he hears it and it bothers him

[counterfeit-toast]

I need to make cuffs for my riding boots, for that piratical/highwayman look.

[hexeandharmony]

The Blue Moon 🌚 31st October 2020 🎃

Taken on my telescope 🔭 🌙✨

Verbenalune.com✨

[counterfeit-toast]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I9MZNEXrElw

[debrides]

I worked with toddlers and pre schoolers for three years. Sometimes I accidentally slip and tell a friend to say bye to an inanimate object (“say bye bus!”) & occasionally they unthinkingly just do it.

[lesbirdan]

I’m glad there’s a teacher version of “accidentally called teacher ‘mom’”

[hermionegranger]

when I worked at Medieval Times occasionally I would slip in real life and call people “my lord”

[mugsandpugs1-deactivated2019010]

One time during family prayer, dad began: “our father who art in heaven, American Airlines, how can I help you?”

[thomrainierskies]

One time my dad went to the White Castle drive-thru and the lady (who was supposed to say ‘Welcome to White Castle, what’s your crave?’) asked, “Welcome to White Castle, what’s your problem?”

She apologized profusely while my dad proceeded to lose his shit laughing.

[mirab3lle]

Yesterday I went to Wendy’s and the girl said “Welcome to McDonalds” and then just sighed

[icouldwritebooks]

Somebody in the elevator asked me what floor I lived on, and I answered “please open your books to page eight”, and we just kind of stared at each other, blinking.

[crimeronan]

i work retail full time and my script gets frequently messy - ill ask the same question twice, or say “$2.60 is your total” while handing back their change, or say “how are you doing today?” instead of “have a good day!” like name it ive bungled it

but anyway, this lady came thru my line buying a book and the review on the front said: “few books are well written, fewer still are important, and this book manages to be both”

as i handed her the bag i was trying to say “thanks, youre all set” and instead my brain mashed up the review and i said “thanks, youre important”

there was this short pause in which i tried to figure out what the fuck id just said. she blinked and then said “oh thank you! youre important too!”

the real kicker was one of my coworkers. when i was relating this story later his response was “at least you said something NICE. last week i accidentally combined ‘youre welcome’ and ‘no problem’ into ‘youre a problem’”

[agrestenoir]

one time, since I used to work as a daycare teacher with preschoolers, i was on my college campus in my gym, and someone was running in the weight room and tripped over a machine and fell, and instead of offering to help, I just stared and said, “This is why we use our walking feet.” we both sat there for a while until the guy nodded and said, “yeah, okay, i should’ve done that.”

[gin-and-eschatonic]

I’ve spent a good chunk of time working in kitchens, so I still will reflexively say shit like “behind” and “coming around” as I maneuver through spaces and around people.

Which, actually, not such a bad thing; I’m a big guy and can come across as imposing pretty easily. The position calls can help defuse that, and also help avoid collisions.

Less good is the time my brain was half functional and I let slip a “coming with a knife” while grocery shopping. THAT took some explaining.

[harold-theyre-thespians]

I work in an office and send tens of emails to customers every day. Once my mum asked me to send her a train ticket I had bought for her. I emailed her “Hello mum, as agreed, please find attached the ticked you requested. Thanks, Alex”

[narwhalsarefalling]

i worked as a camp counselor, and i would have the kids tap somewhere on my legs if they needed something because im a pretty tall dude. today asked my cat if he needed something.

[wren-likethe-bird]

I have woken up in a cold sweat saying “is that for here or to go?”

[la-mancha-screwjob]

Every time a friend thanks me, and I respond with “gladly” or “my pleasure”, I die completely 1000% inside

[fair-itself]

I work at a plasma donation center. When processing donors, we call them by name, they walk up to the counter, and then we ask for their name and donor number. One time, instead of saying “Robert” I hollered “Name and donor number!?” into a full waiting room. Three people started announcing their names and donor numbers before we all realized that I fucked up.

[maplefiasco]

In college, I was a barista at Borders (remember Borders, you guys?!) I once drove through Taco Bell on my way home after a shift. When the cashier said, “okay, that’ll be $5.46!” I cheerfully responded, “Do you have a Borders rewards card?”

[iamthatbeast]

I have dealt with so many difficult customers over the years that I used to angrily call my dog “Sir” when I was mad at him.

[widonotts]

My first job was at my nearest Panera, and after coming home from a ten-hour Sunday morning shift, I was exhausted; but when my mom called me to come downstairs, instead of replying in the grumpy teenagerish tone I usually would, I said in my cheeriest, fakest voice, “Not a problem at all, let me just check with my manager!” before realizing my mistake.

[artwlw]

my coworker went to back up the cash registers one time and she had been at customer service right before. when we finish with a customer we have to sometimes get the attention of the next person and will shout “i can get the next person in line!” but instead of saying that she yelled “HI WHAT CAN I HELP YOU WITH” to everyone in the general area

[youlovelucie]

I have told my dog “no thank you” so many times after working at a preschool

[spacecores]

a couple of times i’ve gotten stuck in a hello how are you good how are you good how are you loop with an equally tired Fred Meyer’s cashier after a long shift but the best time was after a 10 to 10 post-holidays after they told me my total, I asked if they would like a bag today and after a confused few seconds they were like, “no… I have the bags”

[thebritishteapot]

Worked in a gallery where we asked people to take off their backpacks in order not to accidentally damage paintings. So when I went to the shop later and saw a guy in the line in front of me, I told him he had to remove his backpack. He probably thought I was politely trying to rob him.

[valkyrieritter]

The other day they had me working with softserve and fried dough. I was burned out because I kept bouncing back and forth between the fryer and my register and these people had like, 8 things in their order. We get to the ice cream part of the order, and it comes in a bowl or cone. Instead of saying “Would you like the vanilla in a bowl or cone?” I said “Would you like the bowl in a vanilla or cone?” And we all stopped and had to think that through as my cart runner is staring me down like “tf are you doing?”

[dhampir-dyke]

I work at Hardees and we have to yell “thank you” whenever we’re told to do something because of how loud the kitchen is.

One morning, my mom hollered at me to wake up, and half-asleep me yells at full volume,

“THANK YOU”

[eyefriend-deactivated20181218]

i work with dogs, and i have to be a bit strict with them sometimes in order to keep fights from breaking out. recently, while making tea, the kettle started boiling sooner than i wanted, so without thinking i turned around sharply, pointed my finger at it and stared it down, and said, “Bad boy! You need to wait!” needless to say i was very glad i was alone

[mynameisdevon]

I know I’ve reblogged this a billion times but I’ve worked retail for 8 years and these things are never not funny.

[swimtonewyorkstate]

I work with horses and whenever someone’s driving too fast I’ll say stuff like “whoa” and I’ve tried to click to a car because that’s a cue for a horse to go faster.

[immaplatypus]

every time i go to order food at a counter my brain always wants to answer with my customer service phone greeting, I just open my mouth and it comes out

and lemme tell you there is nothing like being in a mcdonald’s and responding to “can i take your order?” with “AUTO GLASS, THIS IS JESSICA”

[he-who-ships]

@deadcatwithaflamethrower have some funny :)

[deadcatwithaflamethrower]

The human brain on autopilot makes for some of the funniest shit ever.

[counterfeit-toast]

One time as my aunt was leaving my birthday party, she said “Happy birthday!”

I was working in retail at the time, so I automatically said “you too!”

The best one I was party to was one of the guys that tells me what to do at work (the guy from Corporate running the show, to which I am a third-party contractor), who served in the USMC. One time we were blocking the aisle of the grocery store we were remodeling and he needed to bring a pallet through, he officer-voiced “MAKE A HOLE” and everybody understood, even the people that didn’t know the idiom.

[counterfeit-toast]

GoPro bote v2.0 -- the keelboards are on a hinge (here in the stowed position), and paddleboxes to prevent splashing onto the deck.

[longislandairpower]

[counterfeit-toast]

Not the weirdest thing I’ve seen on the road.

[fistfulofgammarays]

So I got blood drawn today, and left a note for myself last night to remember to fast.

It was much more confusing at 5AM than it was the night before.

[moniquill]

….as a person who works in a medical lab, my initial reaction to that sign was ‘This coffee pot is for use with blood only’ 

We have refrigerators that literally have signs on them that says ‘NO FOOD - BLOOD’ and ‘NO FOOD - SPECIMENS ONLY’ on them. 

[iheartvmt]

Same! and then I was confused as to the why of using a coffee pot for blood storage/processing lol

[vetisntdead]

Here is the opposite

[counterfeit-toast]

I need to put that label on my microwave.

And put the opposite label on my Science Microwave,

[counterfeit-toast]

NO FOOD -ONLY SCIENCE will be the label on the microwave that has a hole melted in the top.

[kingfucko]

i actually really like in the end by linkin park

[counterfeit-toast]

I don’t hate it.

[sirfrogsworth]

I know it’s just a wax effigy, but this still made me feel better. 

[counterfeit-toast]

Remember, remember ...

[vampireapologist-archive-deacti]

teaching paddling courses to kids is so much fun because without fail every class will have one or two children who are terrified to the point of tears about getting into the canoe, and every time I ask them what they’re most afraid of. I ask genuinely, “what do you think is the worst thing that could possibly happen to you today? If something horrible happens to you today, what will that thing be?”

And it’s always that the boat will capsize, that they’ll fall in, etc.

In summer courses, the answer is easy. I just walk into the water wearing my life jacket, start floating, and say “this is what it looks like when your boat capsizes and you fall in. I’m doing it right now. I fell in.”

If it’s chilly out and I don’t want to spend all day wet, I tell them, “want to know something funny? We’re going to capsize on purpose later. We have to learn how to capsize so that we know how to help ourselves when it happens on accident. Do you think we’d so something on purpose that’s dangerous? What will happen is that we will all fall in the water, and our life jackets will hold us up. I know that, because it’s my job to check your life jacket. Then we’ll all float around until we get back in our boats, and then we’ll go inside and change. The worst part of it all is that you’ll be soggy.”

This has never failed me. They always calm down, get in the boat, and end up having fun the entire time. Time and time again, the Unknown is the ultimate fear, and a little bit of patience at the start is all it takes to keep things running smoothly.

All that said, my favorite kids are the funny ones who clearly respond well to humor, so I get to tell them, “I can absolute guarantee that no one is going to drown today. I would never let that happen, because I don’t want to have to fill out the paperwork.”

[vampireapologist-archive-deacti]

me: what’s gonna happen?

crying child: I’ll fall in the lake

me: *falls into the lake on purpose* like this?

crying child: 

:’ 0

>: O !!!!!!!

[triplehamburgerjack]

You’d be surprised what telling people what to expect and exactly what they’re doing does to lower anxiety

[counterfeit-toast]

This is pretty much exactly Navy helicopter training.

[strawberrymilkshakeearrings]

asklfjals;kfh the producers of will and grace were really out there straightbaiting in 1998

[counterfeit-toast]

John Barrowman auditioned for one of the male leads in Will and Grace, and was turned down because he was too gay. They had a straight guy play the gay guy instead.