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[cptsdhellscape]

Welcome to my CPTSD Hellscape. Block, don't retort.

DNI:

Minors

People who pretend to have/self diagnose physical and mental disabilities (besides autism, ADHD/ADD, and other minor and obvious things. If you're "self diagnosed" with DID, tourettes, EDS, fibromyalgia, or other "trendy" disorders, you're not welcome here. Munchausen's malingerers aren't welcome.)

Pro-eating disorder blogs, including ones who "just talk, they don't condone it". I'm in recovery and I don't want to see it.

Pedophiles, MAPS, etc. This includes POCD (I don't care if you don't like that, nobody wants to hear about it, at all.)

Transphobes, this includes TERFS, gender critical, enbiphobes, and detrans supporters.

Homophobes, biphobes, panphobes, etc. Bigotry is stupid and those aren't hills worth dying on.

Racists, antisemitics, cultural appropriators, etc

Antivaxxers or other anti-science idiots

Paganphobes

SWERFs. I'm a former fetish model, sugar baby, cam model, and adult actor who has lots of stripper friends. You don't need to be here if you hate us.

Ableists, including fatphobes, vegans, people who claim weed* or meditation cures everything, and people who stigmatize mental illnesses or disability

People who support or glorify the abuse of the following substances: heroin, Suboxone, methadone, opiates, crack, cocaine, methamphetamine, Adderall, Xanax, fentanyl, PCP, datura/Jimsonweed, Percocet, Vicodin, or pretty much anything else that you can overdose on

People opposed to the general use of medical cannabis (*it's not a panacea but it helps my seizures and chronic pain better than anything else I've tried so 🤷‍♂️ plus it's less dangerous than booze, so, if you're legal age and it's prescribed, who cares?)

Main trigger/content warnings and things I may talk a lot about.

All will be thoroughly tagged when they're brought up, and I try to not be graphic because, frankly, it's upsetting. Regardless, here's what I may post about in the future:

-my experiences as a survivor of repeated sexual assault, including childhood s/a, child on child s/a, and grooming

-my experiences with racism as a white passing mixed race person, including racism from my own family

-my experiences with hate crimes due to being LGBTQ+ including abuse from the detrans community and systemic abuse

-my experiences with emotional abuse, neglect, and gaslighting

-my experiences with pregnancy loss and fertility issues

-my experiences as a former addict, and my experience with losing loved ones to drug and alcohol addiction

-my experience with religious abuse, including s/a at the hands of a religious extremist group and religious hate

-my experiences as a former sex worker

-my experiences with disability and growing up physically and mentally ill

And lots of other really sensitive topics. I'll update the list at some point.

For my PTSD timeline (this is literally just a list of my trauma without many other aspects of my life. Discretion advised.):

Abuse, alcohol, child abuse and neglect, eating disorders, sexual assault including childhood/COCSA and mentions of incest, drug use, suicid

If you want to donate to help with my treatment, or if you would like to donate to help me with writing my memoir, you can donate to the links below:

Cash app: $RaynerShyne

Venmo: coming soon

Wish list: coming soon

Shop: coming soon.

[cptsdhellscape]

... I wonder how many people who fuck with me on here realize that I'm a paid FBI informant irl....

[cptsdhellscape]

These mountains are my home. My ancestors lived here, met and fell in love here... I want to raise my kids here.... I don't want to feel like I'm unsafe living in the valley where my ancestors belonged....

[cptsdhellscape]

Completely unrelated to the last thing I posted, but I wonder if I would still need glasses if I hadn't had my eyes burnt as a baby.

When I was 18 months old, I was left unsupervised. My mom was out drinking, and my grandma was watching soap operas. My mom had left a potpourri oil burner on on top of her dresser. I climbed up the dresser and tipped the oil into my eyes. My grandma told my mom the next day, when she came home and noticed my face was red and raw. Nobody ever took me to the doctor for it.

I fell face first into a glass table a year later and that was when a doctor who was pulling glass out from above my eye noticed the scarring, and the blue in my scleras from having EDS. But they believed my mom that it must just be genetic....

Child abuse isn't genetic. My dad's blue eyes were genetic, but mine are muddy green now... I think from the trauma, nobody else in my family has green eyes, and nobody else had their eye color change suddenly after trauma... Just me...

I deserved to be taken care of as a kid, I don't understand as a parent why I was neglected and abused... I would die protecting my kids. My parents didn't care.

[cptsdhellscape]

I had a horrible nightmare last night, probably due to lowering my medical cannabis, which is for my CPTSD as well as seizures.

The nightmare had two of my exes and their friend (my ex husband who convinced me to detransition, and who abused me for coming back out, including trying to kill me and our son in retaliation for me saying that I had dysphoria, and my ex Desiree, who is a "ftmtf" TERF and pedophile who tried to have me swatted when I was pregnant because I was unhappy living as a woman, and Annette, Desiree's friend and neighbor, and the mother of my ex's one kid who's in foster care, who stole $4,000 of my belongings and she helped my ex arrange for me to be raped by her brother at one point due to transphobia and jealousy that we were pregnant at the same time, but she was drinking and using meth and heroin during her pregnancy, so CYS put her kid in the system, while I'm raising my son. The three of them hate me for being trans, and they hate me for not having my kid taken, and for cutting them all off for mine and my son's safety)

In my dream, I was forced to go to the domestic relations office in the town the three of them live in because I was being forced by the assistance office to go for child support. I got out of the car in a public parking lot, and I started walking to the office, which was a few blocks away. I got to the end of an alley when they came out and confronted me with guns pointed at me, saying that I should have never come back to town because, even though I was born here, I'm no longer welcome. My partner is suddenly gone and I'm all alone, and I start crying as they cock the guns. I drop to my knees begging them to not shoot me, to leave me alone, that I haven't done anything to hurt them and I don't understand why they want me dead. I beg them to not kill me because I'm pregnant and I'm scared, but as I curl into a ball on the ground, trying to protect my abdomen, they come closer and shoot me in the skull as I'm sobbing and begging for mercy.

It's unfortunate how realistic of a possibility this seems. I don't deserve to live in fear just because I'm being honest that I am trans and I can't turn it off. I need to get out of Pennsylvania, it's not safe for me here. I don't want to die, I don't want my kids to die.

[cptsdhellscape]

Self diagnosed systems be like, "my therapist knows that I'm a system and supports me!"

Meanwhile, the therapist's notes: "patient pretends to have DID for attention seeking purposes, and refuses real diagnosis. They're not responding to treatment and aren't willing to be honest. I may have to recommend a different treatment option because there's nothing I can do if they're lying to me."

[cptsdhellscape]

Remember to shoot your local transphobe. They're probably a Nazi or Pedophile.

[cptsdhellscape]

I'm currently arguing with my dad's mom about her getting her Covid booster. My aunt Shirley, her sister, is the person who introduced my dad to the antivax/Christian science lifestyle. Her "doctor" is a naturopath, not a real doctor. Her late husband was a chiropractor, and her step kids are antivaxxers. My dad died from a heart attack in his 40s after years of medical neglect. I don't want to lose my grandma.

[cptsdhellscape]

Part 2, she ghosted me eventually.

[cptsdhellscape]

I'm currently arguing with my dad's mom about her getting her Covid booster. My aunt Shirley, her sister, is the person who introduced my dad to the antivax/Christian science lifestyle. Her "doctor" is a naturopath, not a real doctor. Her late husband was a chiropractor, and her step kids are antivaxxers. My dad died from a heart attack in his 40s after years of medical neglect. I don't want to lose my grandma.

[elierlick]

Sure, detransition is real. The vast majority of people who detransition do so because of trans antagonism, not because they were pressured into transitioning in the first place. Most of the detransitioners I know are fully supportive of the trans community. Many of them even plan on transitioning again later in life.

[cptsdhellscape]

Weird how people are ignoring that a lot of people who detransition are transphobic, or believe transphobic things that convince them they "aren't trans enough" or they convince them to hate themselves and others.

People who are willing to call themselves detrans aren't allies to the trans community, they're saying that they're proud of their transphobic identity.

As someone who has been in that community, there's a difference between going back in the closet for safety or personal reasons, and detransitioning. Detransitioners often harass and even physically abuse people who come out or transition after going back in the closet. They're the trans equivalent to ex-gay Christians, they're dangerous and disgusting.

I wish I could go back in time and never detransition, never meet the rapists and transphobes who convinced me to, and I wish I could have realized that they were evil.

When I left the detrans community, I was raped, beaten, and stalked by my former detrans "friends". They swatted my house when I was pregnant by telling the police that I had my baby at home and murdered him, and the police stormed my house only to realize I was still pregnant. One of them poured hot coffee on me and my newborn son in public, screaming that I was a "tranny traitor" while the waffle house employees called the police and restrained them. They have made sexual remarks about my child and stepchildren who are currently aged 3-12, but were newborn to 9 at the time. They went to my jobs and told my employers that I was a "hermaphrodite" and a prostitute. They got me fired for being trans, or by lying, 7 times in 5 months. And when I moved away for my safety, they made Facebook pages claiming that I was in jail for shooting my child in the head, "out of trans insanity".

When I go back to my home town to see my family, I am followed by detrans creeps who scream at my car. I've even had them break down the stall door and attack me when I was trying to take a piss because I "dared" to go to the bathroom in Walmart. My former "friends", who were so happy for me when I was detransitioning like them. When I was transphobic like them. They have destroyed my life, and people like them are similarly harming trans people every fucking day.

This is what the detrans community does to trans people in the real world, when you go outside and touch grass, transphobes are still just transphobes. Detransitioners are TERFS, they're transphobic, and they ruined my life and my family's.

If you support the detrans community as part of the LGBTQIA community, you're just as bad as any other TERF. Fuck you all.

[cptsdhellscape]

I'm really depressed.

[cptsdhellscape]

I'm having painful stabbing sensations in my abdomen and I don't know if I'm miscarrying or if it's digestive pain.

[cptsdhellscape]

Today I'm 6 weeks pregnant, with my 9th pregnancy, with what would be my 10th child if I hadn't lost all but one of them to miscarriage or stillbirth.

I'm high risk. I have seizures and endometriosis, I'm intersex (I naturally produce extra testosterone though I don't have a diagnosed reason why, as all tests for PCOS and other conditions have come back negative), I have Barrett's syndrome (a kind of esophageal precancer), and I have various mental health conditions.

I lost my first pregnancy, my twins, Sadie and Zoe, due to my bulimia and twin to twin transfusion syndrome. I lost my second, Branwyn, due to using medicine that I shouldn't have before I knew I was pregnant. My third, Madrox, I miscarried due to stress and homelessness, same with the fourth, Keeva. The fifth, Zakyrie, I attempted suicide by overdose before I realized I was pregnant. The 6th, Zenovia, I lost due to having pneumonia from black mold and stress. I didn't have time to fully decide on their name or learn their AGAB/chromosomes, but I think Zenovia or Zen would suit them. My 7th pregnancy turned into my now 3 1/2 year old, though I almost lost him at 10, 22, 29, and 33 weeks due to seizures from going cold turkey off of my medical cannabis. I lost his sibling, Zelig, due to seizures, as well.

Now I'm here. Age 26, 27 in May. 6 weeks with #10. Athena or Artemis, I hope.

I was on a gram a day of dabs before I got pregnant to control my PTSD and seizures. My doctors told me to not quit cold turkey because I would have horrible seizures and I could lose the baby or die.

But I'm scared of my baby getting hurt by the high THC, so I'm down to a 1:1 CBD and THC cart during the day (I've used under 250 mg in 2-3 days) and a very small dab before bed to prevent breakthrough seizures

When I'm out of that, I'll do fully CBD during the day and under 12% THC before bed, and once my body adjusts to that, I'll try to do under 5% THC or straight CBD for the remainder of my pregnancy. (I can't tolerate flower so it'll be carts everywhere.)

I'm honestly terrified of all of this, the side effects of THC (and my lithium) really scare me, despite the low % of people who get severe effects from them, but I'm more scared of having a grand mal seizure and waking up to realize that my pregnancy is over, my baby won't be born, and I have another concussion because of it.

I am so afraid of being judged because of my choices and my past, but I've lived my life backed into a corner and there's not many choices. I wish I had more options but I really don't... It's this, nothing, or gabapentin (which causes spinal cord defects.) I feel so guilty and trapped.

[soshinee]

NO FUCKING TERFS ON MY BLOG NO RADFEMS NO ONE WHO CALLS THEMSELVES “GENDER CRITICAL” NO TRANSMEDS!!!!! YOURE ALL EVIL

[cptsdhellscape]

I really wish more people would lace heroin and meth and shit with bleach powder because I'm really fucking sick of junkies, especially pedophile racist junkies, making excuses. I wish that I would have purposely killed or overdosed people when I was an addict so there wouldn't be so many now, raping and trafficking kids and shit...

[uncanny-tranny]

I've seen this attitude from non-trans men that, "why would you choose be a man?" in this almost degrading tone, but honestly... even if me being a trans man were a choice, I'd still choose this every single time. I would choose this happiness. I would still choose to fight as I've done for years to be seen. I would still choose to transition. If this were a choice (it isn't, but if it were), I am very content with it.

I love being a man. I love my trans body. I love my male body. I love my male identity. I love my fellow trans men. I love my community. I love the compassion trans men have, I love our drive, I love our dedication, I love our resilience.

[cptsdhellscape]

Doctors: this condition is really rare and if you're diagnosed with it, you can't drive, you need therapy, and you're not going to be able to live a normal life. Ever. But you don't have the symptoms of it, so you're fine.

Tumblr kids: NO I HAVE IT I HAVE ALL THE DISEASES I WANT TO BE SPECIAL!!!!

Doctors: attention seeking and delusional behavior like yours is more likely a case of bipolar/bpd/schizophrenia/just you being a teenager, you're not dealing with DID.

Tumblr kids: NOOO I HAVE 157 PERSONALITIES AND IT'S JUST LIKE SPLIT! WHEN I SHIFT, IT'S DRAMATIC!

Doctors: .... You're just lying and ableist. And dumb.

Tumblr kids: NO I'M JUST IN MY DINOSAUR PERSONALITY I CAN'T HEAR YOU I ONLY SPEAK T REX

Doctors: .... Are you sure your mom didn't use meth while pregnant with you?