Crayons [he/him, bi/ace, autistic], my specialty is feeling like I'm incompetent at everything I do, including not letting said feelings eat away at me
he was there during siege of the North. he infiltrated the spirit oasis. he has an uncle who studies spirits and the spirit world. he watched the sky go dark then the moon suddenly reappear like everyone else in the entire world did. and most importantly he watched zhao get eaten by a giant godzilla fish spirit.
Also, Iroh was there? He literally watched Sokka make out with the moon spirit. And you want to tell me that a romantic sap like him would not have immediately told Zuko about this romantic tragedy? Please, Zuko has known about this for ages, he just knows that this is not an acceptable situation in which to say “yeah, I know.”
Craig says he was criticised and controlled, leaving him with post-traumatic stress disorder.
By: Jenny Rees
Published: Aug 18, 2021
A man who reported his female partner to the police for coercive control has said not being taken seriously felt like another form of gaslighting.
Craig said his former partner "robbed me of my independence and slowly undermined my confidence".
He said police concluded no further action was possible after he reported her and she was not charged.
The Home Office said it expected all police forces to take allegations of domestic abuse seriously.
Charity Safer Wales said men were not always believed by agencies who may have no experience of the issue.
Craig - not his real name - said he feared men were still not recognised as victims of this type of abuse.
'Constant put-downs'
In his case, he claimed not all evidence was examined and some witnesses were not interviewed.
"People don't understand what coercive control is - it can be more damaging than a violent attack," he said.
"Bruises all heal, but this psychological abuse can be for life.
"It's like imprisoning someone, restricting everything they are. It destroys who they are - and that's not a gender-based thing. That can happen to anyone."
He said his former partner gained total control of his money: "If I objected, I would be told 'don't you trust me after all these years?'."
Craig said he was told to pursue his complaints through the civil courts or report it as a fraud, as organisations failed to see him as a victim of coercive control.
In the end he was supported by Welsh Women's Aid.
"Victims need to be listened to," he said. "If someone doesn't do that - especially the police, or someone in authority - victims are not being believed again."
Craig said at first he found it hard to make sense of what had happened to him and see it as abuse, which made writing a police report particularly challenging.
"She robbed me of my independence and slowly undermined my confidence with constant little put-downs," he said.
He added she would also gaslight him by denying things had happened, though he knew them to be true, and would use that confusion to control him.
"In social situations she'd whisper in my ear 'you sound like an idiot, no-one understood what you said, or 'your joke wasn't funny'," he said.
He said everything from how he washed, to how he made a cup of tea or drove the car was criticised and controlled, leaving him with complex post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).
'Still frightened'
Many of the details of Craig's relationship resonate with Jack - whose name has also been changed for his protection.
"It's a bit like walking on quicksand," he said.
"You're never sure at any time where you are.
"I kept the pressure off by staying busy - I didn't stop tidying, cleaning, hoovering.
"But I'd be told I hadn't done the job right, or hadn't done it well enough.
"I would have a crushing feeling of being completely useless.
"I'm still frightened now and have a recurring nightmare of [her] standing over me, telling me I can't do something."
He said the constant gaslighting meant he lost confidence in his decision making at home, meaning everything was deferred back to his partner.
This was in sharp contrast to his high-pressured job where he made important decisions on an hourly basis.
"My friends and family have kept me alive," he said.
"There's been a couple times I seriously thought of taking my own life."
His experience differed to Craig's, he said the police took him seriously and were supportive when he told them of his experiences, though he had not pressed charges.
'Suffer in silence'
The charity Safer Wales runs the Dyn Project, supporting male victims of domestic abuse in Wales.
Simon Borja, from the charity, said: "I think for some men if they do present to agencies like the police, like the local authority, they may not be believed.
"But it can also be that the agency hasn't seen this before or aren't sure what to and we would ask them to get in touch with us because we will help men navigate the system as well.
He said it was important victims' experiences were validated straight away as it can lead to many internalising the problem over time.
"We see lots of depression, alcohol or substance misuse, or not engaging with work, friends or their social networks like they used to.
"A lot of men tell us it feels like a pressure valve's been released when they do talk to us.
"There's more awareness now than there used to be and we do get more calls, but we also know that lots of men just sit and suffer in silence."
Both Jack and Craig agreed work was needed to raise the profile of men as victims, and increase the availability of support.
The Home Office said it was acting to support all victims and tackle perpetrators of controlling or coercive behaviour.
A spokesman said: "We expect all police forces to take allegations of domestic abuse seriously.
"The Domestic Abuse Act strengthened the legislation on controlling or coercive behaviour so that abusers can still be prosecuted even when they no longer live with their victims and introduced a range of additional measures.
"In addition, the Home Office funds the Men's Advice Line, run by Respect, to provide support to male victims of domestic abuse, and in 2019 we published the first ever cross-government Male Victims' Position Statement."
--
Over 30 years of research has established that both men and women are capable of sustaining intimate partner violence (IPV) by their opposit
Abstract
Over 30 years of research has established that both men and women are capable of sustaining intimate partner violence (IPV) by their opposite-sex partners, yet little research has examined men's experiences in such relationships. Some experts in the field have forwarded assumptions about men who sustain IPV-for example, that the abuse they experience is trivial or humorous and of no consequence and that, if their abuse was severe enough, they have the financial and psychological resources to easily leave the relationship-but these assumptions have little data to support them. The present study is an in-depth, descriptive examination of 302 men who sustained severe IPV from their women partners within the previous year and sought help. We present information on their demographics, overall mental health, and the types and frequency of various forms of physical and psychological IPV they sustained. We also provide both quantitative and qualitative information about their last physical argument and their reasons for staying in the relationship. It is concluded that, contrary to many assumptions about these men, the IPV they sustain is quite severe and both mentally and physically damaging; their most frequent response to their partner's IPV is to get away from her; and they are often blocked in their efforts to leave, sometimes physically, but more often because of strong psychological and emotional ties to their partners and especially their children. These results are discussed in terms of their implications for policy and practice.
jsyk the op of the post about jewish music you reblogged is a zionist
Okay, sure, let's have it out. I imagine I'll pretty much piss off everyone with this.
First: the only confidence I have in my understanding of the political situation of the Middle East is that I have no fucking understanding whatsoever of the political situation in the Middle East. Sure, I've read plenty. I have friends of many many stripes. But I'm not a victim of the Dunning-Kruger effect here, folks: I know enough to know how much I don't know, and how much I know is tons.
Second, you say that person is a "zionist." There are three things I find pretty annoying about this as a defense attorney. One is that the term is not defined, and the other is that there is a complete lack of evidence. The third is the implicit assumption that being a "zionist" is enough to wholeheartedly condemn anyone.
Let's tackle these one by one. And, once again, I am neither a scholar of Jewish history nor Middle Eastern history nor anything except American criminal law.
First: definition. There are many possible meanings of zionist that I see people use. One potential meaning of "zionist" seems to be "is Jewish, but fails to disavow Israel as fast and loud as I personally want them to." Sometimes the meaning of "zionist" is just "is Jewish." Sometimes it's "a Jewish person who wishes for a return to a very distant ancestral homeland." Sometimes it's "wholehearted supporter of Israel's war crimes." A lot of pointless arguing, it seems to me, is centered around someone saying they are zionist, i.e., they would like Jewish people to someday have a nice homeland where they don't feel like a strange political chunk in another country, and another person hears that they are zionist, i.e. they enjoy wholesale slaughter of civilians.
Second: No evidence. Self-explanatory. You are an anon. I don't know why I'm supposed to trust your word. I read police reports for a living and I am supposed to be able to trust them, and let me tell you how many lies they contain.
Third: the assumption of condemnation. I literally defend the human rights of sex criminals in court. I defend murderers. What we are talking about, right now, at best, is a human person expressing an opinion, however potentially damaging and offensive (depending on definition of zionism and truth of accusation). Do you think I'm gonna say that Jewish people who express an opinion are inhuman and deserve segregation from the rest of us?
Do you think I'm ever going to stop reaching out my hand to people who use violence? Do you think I'm ever going to lose the hope that someday they will lose the fear that makes them resort to violence?
Finally, now that I've spent some time listing my problems with your case, so what.
Let's use an example closer to home. I'm an American, and I do in fact believe that America is a nation and will continue to be so, and that tearing down all government to give it back to indigenous people (something that is, to be clear, to my understanding, not comparable with any kind of political situation in Israel) is not possible as things stand. And yet nobody's here interrogating me about Donald Trump and his bombing of Iran or whether I support ICE's jackbooted thuggery.
A little further from home? If I met a Russian person, my first ask would not be "Tell me in detail your thoughts on Ukraine and Putin."
And in those two examples, I myself and this hypothetical Russian person are actually members of the country in question that is doing the thing. A Jewish person who is not Israeli isn't even that.
Listen. I think there's a lot to be unpacked about how the insularity of Jewish culture and the separateness of it from the countries where it lives is both in the interest of continuing the Jewish ethnicity and in the interest of the people who want Jewish people exterminated, and how the double-pull of those two interests maintain a tension that otherwise might dissipate. I think there's something real to be analyzed about how modern anti-semitism isn't a recurrence of medieval anti-semitism but a different thing, a sign of fascist thinking.
I think there is a horrific tragedy for everyone involved that the group who was decimated beyond belief in the blackest events in human history now has a very loud and visible nation channeling their survival into rage and violence.
I think that there are lots of Arab nations around Israel that would gladly see every person in it subject to that same rage and violence, and I'm not down with that shit either.
I think the history of who colonized who and when and what pogroms did what and how violence and why are all too fucking complicated to untangle.
I think the only way truly forward for Israel and Palestine is some kind of truth and reconciliation type thing and that Israel as it stands is too scared to see all their atrocities come to light.
I was raised atheist with college professor parents, so you can bet Jewish people in academia were part of my life from an early age. I don't understand antisemitism literally at all. It's completely incomprehensible to me. I also think Arab culture is gorgeous and studied Arabic in college. I don't discount the idea that I have subconscious biases; I've done my best to unpick them, but it's lifelong work.
The whole goddamn clusterfuck is a great example of why violence begets violence begets violence. I reject the idea that One Final Ass-Kicking on anyone's part will solve any one of these problems. The only thing that ends violence is not choosing violence. And that can't happen until enough people in and out of power want the violence to stop. There. Not here. There. It can't be imposed from outside. It has to come from within.
And that's a decision -- I must add -- that I seriously could not have less to do with. White Americans should not be making any of the related decisions.
Here endeth the essay, with one final note.
My Jewish friends are safe on this blog. My Arab friends are safe on this blog. That's all.
"Unprofessional" and it's a showrunner not policing people over ships, therefore not validating the neuroses of a bunch of terminally online manchildren/womanchildren who have never been told "NO" before in their life.
if i could give one piece of advice to newly transitioning trans men, it's that it's 100% possible to find a community of people (including women!) who don't treat you as a threat, and the people trying to convince you otherwise are not your friends
Also, perhaps, have we considered that it's actually really bad that we treat closeted trans women (and closeted nonbinary people, and frankly cis men too) this way? Like. It's a bad thing that trans women are treated like distrustful monsters for """"being men"""" before coming out by one demographic and then are also treated like distrustful monsters after coming out for being trans by another. That's not a sign of a culture with a healthy relationship with gender in the slightest!!!
Have we considered that treating people as inherently dangerous or distrustful by virtue of their gender alone is in fact, the very gender essentialism that perpetuates radical feminism in our spaces and that is something that we should be working on stamping out?
I am genuinely sorry that people across multiple different identity lines experience this shit because no trans person should be treated like a distrustful monster just by virtue of their gender identity before or after coming out.
*extends my hand* Let's examine the ways we allow gender essentialism to invade our spaces and harm other trans people and put an end to this cycle of gender essentialist abuse together!
this bigoted attitude towards queer men not wanting to be treated as predators is bad enough on its own, but saying "most of the trans girls i knew occupied this space before coming out" like its something trans women should be okay with is so cruel and deeply out of touch. some of these people never actually read Jennifer Coates' "I am a trans woman. I am in the closet. I am not coming out." and it shows
You don't owe anyone, ever, to be a "decent man". You gotta stick within the basic realms of not harming people, by the same rules as other genders, but everything beyond that is completely auxiliary.
You are not obliged to go at lengths to make yourself appear safe and nonthreatening to others. If doing so would result in your own safety and wellbeing compromised - fuck them.
This advice applies to everyone, but especially - to trans people of any gender.
“most of the trans girls i knew occupied this space before coming out” — I think one of the basic divides among people is whether they react to being treated badly by feeling like it’s unfair if the next person in line isn’t also treated badly, or by wanting to make sure they aren’t.
Hot take, but I honestly suspect that if we stopped treating men as a threat, I suspect a lot of trans women would hate men less, because they wouldn’t have the same worry that they might be evil prior to getting HRT.
HRT should be about “I want different body characteristics because that will make me personally feel happier,” not “I want different body characteristics to distance myself from The Evil Ones.”
I mean, on the “people are going to be shitty even if you tell them to stop” level you “have to accept” that they’re going to keep being shitty. They’re getting something out of it.
Community, mostly. And “if I hate those people loudly enough, maybe it’ll silence the part of me that fears I might ‘still’ be one of them. It’s so much easier than unpacking my internalized self hatred.”
You are not, however, required to pay attention to them while they go forth and be shitty.
You are allowed to wish them the best and aggressively ignore them.
People can just be shitty. You're allowed to just not like/vibe with a mf. They don't have to be a predator to justify your dislike/hatred of them. If the are a predator, by all means, call that shit out, but you are allowed to simply not fuck with someone for literally any reason. Maybe they're smelly. Maybe they're rude. Maybe they just look like a person who hurt you, but are otherwise a good person, and you can't personally handle their visual similarities. A person doesn't have to be irredeemably evil for you to dislike them, and disliking someone is a morally neutral act.
Unless this has been planned for a while, and they've intentionally been making discs of shittier quality, or they have a way to intentionally brick your system if they detect a disc, you should be fine.
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